Hey Loopyemma,
I wish I could give you a hug. Take a deep breath. There are many of us here that are going what you are going through, and likely many would agree that the secrecy part is one of the hardest things. I just talked to my therapist about this yesterday. I told her that I was feeling more distant from some of my family and friends because I am afraid to talk to them too much or I might slip and tell them something because I am not used to keeping my problems quiet. She asked if there was a way to let them know I needed support without telling them why. I understood what she was getting at, and that might work for some people, but it would feel too dangerous to me. I would be so paranoid about what I say, it would end up making me more anxious instead of making me feel better. I told her the people I have met online have been helpful, and she agreed that all of you are a huge help, but that I might benefit from some face to face time and suggested a PFLAG meeting. The next one is in a couple of weeks and I will post back here if I have the guts to go.
So what I don't understand is why you can't tell anyone if your spouse is telling their family? Did your spouse ask you not to tell anyone? Are you at all close to your spouse's family? Have the two of you discussed you possibly telling someone? Or is it that you don't want to tell anyone close to you? (I can understand that too.)
I think I good deal of my depression can be traced back to holding all of this in and not living as openly as I am used to. Right now I am attacking the depression medically and also trying to find solutions to the things that are causing it. I haven't gotten very far yet, but maybe we can hang in there together. You are not alone.
<3
