Support and coming out to family

[littlefish]

Hey hey.

I've been talking to my husband and he doesn't want to come out as trans until after his ffs and breast aug. Which means that she will go through hormones, wait, then the ffs and breast aug, then voice surgery, then srs. I feel like this is a really long time to wait to tell family and friends who care deeply about the man they love and know, especially if they end up making an effort to understand and support her.

I told my sister about two weeks ago and I made her promise to keep it to herself for awhile, as it's quite heavy news. She would like to tell her husband, which I agree, though my hubby is weary of it (for obvious reasons) until he starts hormones. He hasn't really told me the entire reason for this, but I understand his idea of a 'controlled release' of coming out to family.

So my question is for you SOs and others, did you support your spouse during coming out, have they come out, what was the plan for coming out? Is there a better time for coming out? What were your experiences? I know that trans people are vulnerable in so many ways and we want to protect ourselves as a family and her especially during the entire process, so I don't want to put pressure on her to come out if she's not comfortable with it. Our family, both hers and mine, are quite conservative Christians so their reactions are expected to be mixed and unpleasant, though I would hope that we could give them the benefit of the doubt.

What is your experience? I would love to know your opinions and stories!

[Dena]

My opinion is that it's not a good idea to do all the changes then come out. It's enough of a shock to discover somebody is transgender but to suddenly have them appear fully feminine without any warning is likely to cause a bad reaction. The family needs time to adjust to the changes so it's best to alert them early on so you don't shock them as much with each change.

[HappyMoni]

Littlefish,
   I sometimes think that people want to do the slow rollout of their coming out, thinking that it will somehow be less risky or avoid some of the possible negative reactions. I think if they have made the decision to transition, then it only prolongs the confusion to drag it out. When changes happen, people will wonder what's going on. People do not do well with uncertainty.  If your partner is unsure if this is right, experimenting being out in public dressed or going to therapy are great to help figure things out. They should take time to figure things out. If they are committed to proceding, then fear is a big factor. Fear makes you want to delay, makes you look for reasons not to do what is needed. To transition you have to know there is no perfect time to do it. The fear will not magically disappear next week and then that will be time to do it. You take transition steps with fear as your companion. It is doing what you must do while being afraid. Then, it gets easier the more steps you take.
    I will tell you my order of transition, don't know if it helps. I came out to  my family first thing (as I was starting HRT), 8 months before going full time female. This was before anyone saw female 'me' (except for strangers.) It gave them a chance to prepare for what was to come. I did not go full time female until right after facial feminization surgery. This was important for me because HRT did not change much for me. I would have loved to have done other surgeries first (because of body dysphoria), but passing as well as I could was something that made everything easier. Being visually gender questionable can be very difficult especially in some parts of the country. Breast surgery and GCS are usually less important in the coming out phase. Social transition for a year is usually required for gender surgery. The wait times for getting a surgeon can be long and one must plan ahead. I did GCS and then breast surgery in the next two years.
   Let me add one more opinion. Your partner may think that waiting for all these steps to happen might not be too bad, now. If they have bad dysphoria, then waiting will get harder and harder to handle. I was miserable waiting for each thing to finally get here. Each bit of progress helps, but dysphoria does not lend itself to being patient. Hope this helps.

[Lacy]

My wife wanted to control how and when I came out to people. I am not saying you are, it just for reference!
I wanted to let certain family members and work associates know before things got far along. I did some compromising, but eventually it came down to my decision and what I felt needed to be done with who and when. I told my close family and some friend before starting HRT. The rest will know has things start to change visibly.

In my opinion I don't see your husbands timeline being realistic! This is a long process. Enough will change during HRT that those around her will definitely know something is up. This is probably something she will find out as she goes through the steps.

Coming out is a very difficult thing. It is important that she have your support. Which it sounds like she does!

I agree that family and friends going from her presenting as male to female would be super shocking. They would not have had the time to process things, and might react poorly to not being given time to follow the journey.

Hugs,
Lacy

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi Littlefish,
                 I didn't tell anyone initially that I was starting to struggle to hold it all in. I went to a psychologist and psychiatrist first to try and get to the bottom of the issue. I couldn't shake the desire to be a woman in the the way I had in the past. The issue started to consume me and became a massive distraction. My therapist laid out the typical options for cases like mine. I chose therapy and HRT. I gently explained to my wife I was seeking professional help on an issue & invited her to the sessions.

This released the genie from the bottle initially &  then other close family and friends were told.

My family are conservative Christians and they understood to a large extent this was a medical condition that I was dealing with it the best way I could. 

When I started dressing as a woman that didn't go down so well. I passed on Dr Anne Vitales " The Gendered Self"  & Harry Benjamins " The Transsexual Phenomenon " among other material. This allowed them to have some understanding of what my wife & I were dealing with.

  Now friends and family know its not a lifestyle choice or a hobby taken on just for laughs. More people are gradually finding out and my b-cup breasts are getting noticed at the 11 month point. My appearance is just starting to get an androgynous edge to it.

Coming out has been a gently-gently affair, gradual & in line with HRT.

I hope this helps a bit,
                                  kindest regards, Kirsten.

[Sylvia]

Agree with the others here, I think if he is planning to do the whole thing, the sooner he prepares people the better, I suspect it's fear - and putting it off for as long as possible. It will be a real shock to your friends and family when she suddenly appears, out of nowhere. They need to be prepared, get time to get their heads around the idea.

I can't really advise in terms of my situation, as firstly, my partner has no plans for any surgery at all. And secondly - at least for the forseeable - he doesn't plan to come out to anyone, not even our kids.
And thirdly, although he is getting some breast growth, he isn't - and doesn't want to be- presenting particularly female. So no one is asking questions.

Good luck.

Syl

[littlefish]

Thank you, ladies! I really appreciate the input. It's helpful food for thought.

[Moonflower]

@littlefish, you are so sweet to be so focused on understanding how you can support your SO, and respecting his wishes.

If I knew 15 years ago that my SO wouldn't be coming out until a couple weeks ago, I'd probably feel overwhelmed by the prospect of keeping a secret for so long. I'm sure that I was only able to keep it by focusing on one day at a time. Now that my SO is coming out and pursuing feminization, I am delighted to be sharing my experience each day here in this SO forum https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241591.0.html. I just can't contain my enthusiasm, and want to celebrate each step with people who understand. I also want to pave the way for her as she gets used to the idea of conversing in a forum. I know that many people here will appreciate her story, understand what she's been through, and embrace her with hugs of life-giving support.

Regarding your questions about my SO's coming out, it is happening so suddenly that I'm afraid to ask what her plans are.

I knew that she was repeatedly rewriting a letter to our dr asking for a referral for hrt, but when she had second thoughts, I felt so disappointed and heartbroken, I had to lock my mouth to wait patiently for her to deal with her fears. I felt relieved when she handed the letter over during her annual physical a week and a half ago.

Similarly, she told me today that she might be ready to come out to my daughters (adults) the next time she sees them. That would make me so happy as I firmly expect them to respond with respect,  curiosity, and some understanding.

Likewise, she is considering leaving her nail polish on for each of our 3 or 4 appointments this week. I'll take on my mother bear role of protecting her from any offensive remarks, if needed, but this has to be about her, not meeting my needs or expectations. I must control my need for her to come out. I must follow her lead so she feels safe and grounded.

You asked when is the best time to come out. I think that the best time is when the person feels safe and grounded, or otherwise ready. I understand that transitioning happens when a person feels ready for the consequences. Coming out might be the same. Please help me understand why your SO is wary of people knowing his plans. What responses are he expecting? If any of their responses are unpleasant, what do you want to do? What responses would he rather have? How can he get the responses he wants?

I can only imagine that if he is afraid of being intimidated by his family, then coming out might feel more right when he can ask for forgiveness instead of now when they might try to withhold their permission. Is that what's going on?

On the other hand, she might be waiting for the opportunity to make a Grand Entrance as Her Real Self when the transformation is completed?

Or maybe she just wants to put all of her energy into transitioning, get it over with, and then deal with the consequences?

Have you considered consulting a conservative Christian pastor to help prepare you to respond to your family members?

I think that my SO is coming out now because the fear isn't so suffocating. We identified the tiniest baby steps, and then built on them. Each interaction is showing her that she can build a safe world around her, especially within my support and perspective. I'm delighted to be making such a valuable contribution to such a valuable life.

I hope you are finding the support here that you need as you remain in the wake of your SO's journey.