Quote from: Anne T on December 23, 2018, 07:58:09 PM
My husband of 20 plus years is transitioning to female with the help of HRT. He told me a week ago that he has been on them for 4 months. I was devastated and cried for 4 days. Then I got angry that I now have this big secret to keep that I didn't ask for. I forgave him for not telling me because he was protecting himself and I could see the pain that he held inside. He knew he was transsexual before he married me and didn't tell me because he thought he could suppress it out of his love for me. I was a bit angry about that too. Then I calmed down and we have since then spent hours talking. We have set parameters within his needs and what I'm comfortable with. So far it's been acceptable to both of us.
I have to say his depression is gone. All of his anger seems to be gone. I think he was holding resentment for having to hold onto his secret. And that has been removed. There's a softer side of him which is nicer.
We have always had good trust, communication and love. Neither of us want to walk away from our marriage. As strange as this sounds I can see both him and her. For now we have smoothed out the waves but I'm sure there are ripples coming our way. What can I do for a smooth transition to get us to the point of a new normal for our marriage? Tips, advice ....whatever you have to offer.
Hi, I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you what not to do!
My marriage blew up (after 36 years), because of my radical anger and destructive behavior. I did not know at that time what was the reason for this, I just got deeper and deeper into my anger. I was constantly looking for reasons to blow up and say mean degrading things to my wife and son. She begged me to seek professional help, but I refused. Eventually, she could not handle it anymore, and left me, and we got a divorce. she was the love of my life, and I killed the great life we had together.
I am still very sad about this, and never touched another woman again, because I still love her!
The result of all of this is,we are now two lonely persons, but slowly we are building a friendship up again, and I have a very good relation with our son again.
And this is because I am transitioning, and all the anger and the rage is gone, I do not know anymore what anger is, because I can live my life now the way I was supposed to be living it always.
My advise to you is, do not allow hat any anger developes in your relation, because your husband cannot be what he was meant to be! he cannot change it, he can only suppress it,and this will either cause anger, or a very deep depression. You would not want to live with a person like this, I assume.
He cannot fight it, the same as you cannot fight to be a woman. You were lucky, you were born in the right body, with all the parts that belong to it. he was born in the wrong body, equipped with the wrong parts. He was told he was a boy/man, and he tried to live like one, but eventually he is failing, no matter how hard he tries to be a man, he can't be one. If you love him, help him to be allowed to be himself, and you will develop a new kind of relation , which will be as good, or much better than the one you have now. Remember, his body might change, but his personality will not.
He/she is still the same person you fell in love with, she just looks a little different later!
I wish you good luck for this journey, and I hope that your marriage will survive, and not end up like mine. Because this just leaves misery behind for the two of you!
Hugs and happy holidays!
Linde
