Probably it's been years since I last posted and noone would recognize me. I joined the forum back in 2012 (or was it 2013?), aged 17 and utterly confused and panicked. From that point, a depressed teenager just discovering their identity and coming into terms with it, with no hopes about future, it has been a long journey up to now and I thought I should update you guys on how I'm holding on, as a token of gratitude, since this is the place I learnt that I can live the life I want rather than suffering in a life that didn't belong to me. Also I hope this will spark some hope in the young ones, as the posts in this forum did on a younger me.
I am from a quite conservative background, in terms of family, hometown and country. I recognized myself as trans back in 2012. I did quite well in advanced level exams in 2014 and got accepted to medical college in 2015. Before entering college I came out to my family (it's a long story) and was being followed up by a therapist who believed that, in my circumstances it would be best to transition after graduating from college. So I attended medical faculty identifying as female, but life was little short of hell. I survived with antidepressants and finding ways to express myself. Gradually I opened up to my batch mates about my personality, where their perception of me shifted from 'an average girl' to 'a butch lesbian, or aren't you a guy, wth I'll just get along cos you're cool' sorta confusion (which was nice). Meanwhile I came out to several friends who accepted it really well and helped me to hold on longer. Oh and I had my hair cut short the whole time.
Anyway I think the turning point was when my crush got into a relationship with some guy. That was a pretty serious crush and maybe the cornerstone of my survival while pretending to be a girl. With her gone my whole life was falling apart. I had a major relapse of depression and dysphoria was shooting up. This was in 2017 early months. What the therapist had to say was almost useless. However I recovered from that slowly over months. And with that recovery I was seeing many things as they were. I was much more aware of myself and others, and I somehow realized that I had been living a lie and that I need to live for real. Meanwhile I met a trans guy on fb from our country ( I didn't know anyone else before, funny to think of it now) and he had started transition recently. Somehow all the circumstances led me into changing my therapist( it took so much time cos my parents were so reluctant to change. They had been thinking the earlier guy had cured me amd now I didn't want to transition. The fault is partly mine because I didn't really talk about my feelings with parents) to this great psychiatrist who consults most of the trans community out here in our city.
The new guy quickly took me through the process and counselled my parents (not sure if it was enough, but they at least don't object now). His opinion, as well as mine by then, was that it'd be best to transition while in college and graduate with my new name and identity. So I soon came out to the whole faculty, got down a couple of binders, talked with the dean and students' union on my decision and started presenting as male. The transition turned out smoother than I expected, but rougher in some aspects like getting into hostel etc. but overall the faculty community accepted it quite commendably. At least noone would confront me and insult or reject me, I don't know what they do behind my back.
So June 2018 I got my first shot of testosterone, pretty conveniently at the same hospital I'm training at. My voice has dropped significantly, but not enough to satisfy me fully yet. No beard yet but the peach fuss thing is around. What else? Life is good enough, tolerable, livable. I've talked with the surgeon about top surgery and he says ee should wait till I've been on T for at least a year. I'm still on antidepressants according to guidelines on managing the relapse, but I think I wouldn't need it for long. Just last week I applied for the name and gender change on legal documents. Family is still not objecting but not enthusiastic either. Faculty is handling me ok, and I haven't had bathroom issues ( I use the male one now), misgendering and little little stuff have been there but probably are becoming less frequent. 3 more years to go until finals.
So that's basically what's up with my life. Hope it sounded interesting and maybe helpful for whoever needs the motivation
