My story, one big question. Appreciate any thoughts

[-nemo-]

I am 40, bio man, married w/ kids. So far happened in my life (the true, non-Blanchard version of it)

- Cross gender talk around 8 yrs. Told my friends that my genitals would change (they didn't). Friends told me to shut up. I took the hint.

- Had some gay experiments with the said friends in teen years. Also receptive anal sex, which was great (really great). Friends told me to shut up, I took the hint.

- Decided to become heterosexual and put my best effort into it. Had difficulties performing with girls, felt ashamed, anxious and sad.

- Much through the teen years and early adulthood had fantasies being a woman having sex with men. Good looking to attract men.

- Never dressed up female, masturbating or not. Honestly, Ray. I am not the least bit excited with clothing. Really.

- Early adulthood, had more receptive sex with men. It was still great. I don't identify as gay - that's not me. I consider myself a woman when I have sex with men. Also I am not that attracted to men, except to have sex. I am attracted to women but only romantically. This mix-up really gets me down. Really, like major dep with suicidal thoughts.

- Married, had kids, mostly out of external motives to conform. Don't want to break everyone by transitioning now. I feel trapped in my life with no way out.

- I have discussed this openly with my wife (though not emphasizing gay sex is great -part that much). She knows I am bisexual and about my feminine self and the my split sexuality vs romantic character. She's supportive, we love each other and kids. But she doesn't really understand all this.

What I am? <removed by moderator> I have no getting excited when dressing. If I would dress up, it would be to attract men for sex. Am I a transgender or what?

[-nemo-]

Yeah - to add: at 35 I tried women's jeans just to see if clothing would excite me. It didn't. Just felt great and sexy in them and thought I'd really like to meet guys when wearing these. And to do things with those guys.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, nemo!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I can't tell you what you are.  Only you can decide that.  I would strongly recommend seeing a gender therapist to help you to understand yourself.  There is no requirement to dress in a particular way in order to be considered trans.  It seems to me that you might be somewhere on the trans spectrum, but where on it is something for you and your therapist to discover.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

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[Maid Marion]

It may help to think of your gender and sexuality as being independent of each other.

[pamelatransuk]

It may help to think of your gender and sexuality as being independent of each other.

Yes I agree and also it may help to think of your sexuality as separate from your feelings of love and romance.

In my experience gender and sexuality are in most (but not all) cases separate subjects and sexuality and romance are usually connected (but not for all).

Hugs

Pamela 

[Denise]

That question, am I transgender, is best answered by a professional therapist with extensive knowledge and training in gender identity issues.

For me, at the beginning, wearing clothes typically associated with women would excite me but not in a sexual way.  I never got an erection from it.  It's hard to explain.

Might I suggest finding a therapist and let them help you determine if it's truly gender dysphoria.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[Northern Star Girl]

@-nemo-   
Dear Nemo:
     I  see that our lovely member and my forum's sister Official Greeter  @KathyLauren  has just given you a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.

     I trust that you will follow the LINK she gave to you to find your way to the  Introductions Forum  to tell more members here about yourself.

    As you post on the forums and various topic areas you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Our lovely member KathyLauren  had attached important and informative LINKS on her Welcome Message to you that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can continue to pursue answers to your questions and thoughts.

[randim]

I agree with others that it would be good for you to talk to a therapist and work this out a bit.  That you have no interest in dressing is a bit unusual for a transwoman. A lot of your issues seem sexual in nature. It sounds like you have strong desires to be a bottom in a relationship with a man, even if that relationship is only sexual.  Why do you not identify as gay?

[-nemo-]

Thank you all for warm welcome! And good advice - I have now familiarized myself with the forum rules, something I should have done before posting but to my regret didn't. I was too busy to get my question off my chest. There's no other excuse for my poorly thought-out post and I apologize for this.

Moderators, if you feel that this post would be better in Introductory forum, please help me moving the thread there.

As for Denise et al, suggesting gender therapist, that's easier said than done. It's not easy to find gender-sensitive/knowledgeable therapist here - luckily I have my wife to talk to at least.

Randim, you're right that even writing my very concise notes down, also I started to pay attention to my relation to men. And I face the same question that you brought forward: why I don't id as gay man. I've tried to many times and I don't recognize internalized homophobia in me. Being gay would be a relief for me - a sexual, romantic and body congruence. But I simply aren't a gay man, it just is not me. When having sex, I id as a woman having sex with a man. As is also in my fantasies.

[Northern Star Girl]

@-nemo-
Dear Nemo:
Your post here is exactly where it belongs here in the "Transgender Talk" topic area of the Forums, however please follow the suggestion by  @KathyLauren and  myself to find your way to the Introductions Forum  to write a brief post about yourself thus permitting many more of the members to know of your arrival and therefore you will be able to have more interaction with thoughts, questions and comments.
Best Wishes and again WELCOME.
Danielle

Thank you all for warm welcome! And good advice - I have now familiarized myself with the forum rules, something I should have done before posting but to my regret didn't. I was too busy to get my question off my chest. There's no other excuse for my poorly thought-out post and I apologize for this.

Moderators, if you feel that this post would be better in Introductory forum, please help me moving the thread there.

As for Denise et al, suggesting gender therapist, that's easier said than done. It's not easy to find gender-sensitive/knowledgeable therapist here - luckily I have my wife to talk to at least.

Randim, you're right that even writing my very concise notes down, also I started to pay attention to my relation to men. And I face the same question that you brought forward: why I don't id as gay man. I've tried to many times and I don't recognize internalized homophobia in me. Being gay would be a relief for me - a sexual, romantic and body congruence. But I simply aren't a gay man, it just is not me. When having sex, I id as a woman having sex with a man. As is also in my fantasies.

[Sophiaprincess2019]

Being gay would be a relief for me - a sexual, romantic and body congruence. But I simply aren't a gay man, it just is not me. When having sex, I id as a woman having sex with a man. As is also in my fantasies.

This is my very humbe womans perspective about what I've read. I'm no therapist and anything I share is my opinion, nothing else, an outsider friend offering advice.

I quoted a small section of your post where you mention sex three times. Three. Also you mention fantasy. Being TG isn't about sex or fantasy alone, it's more along the lines we were born in the wrong or opposite gender. It's your TOTAL identity not about your sexual desires or actions. Think of being TG like your car: you can't drive a car with important parts missing right? No tires= no go. You need all the correct parts working in harmony to operate.

I think it's great you are talking with people about your feelings, sometimes men aren't that open about what difficulties lie ahead. If you cannot see a professional maybe by talking about it you can come to realize your answer.

Best of luck.

Sophia