THE HEART & THE HEAD

[Kirsteneklund7]

I was reading Julie Elizabeth Peters book  "A FEMINIST POST - TRANSSEXUAL AUTOETHNOGRAPHY" when I came across this dialogue between the heart and the head. It really struck a chord! It was uncanny! It is just how I have been feeling for the last few years! Has anyone felt like this?



Heart: Dear Head, we need to talk.

Head: Don't call me Dear! You are trying to ruin my life.

Heart: We need to acknowledge how we feel.

Head: We can never be a woman. You know that, don't you?

Heart: Its what we need.

Head: Its stupid, its not logical.

Heart: We are female, a woman.

Head: Bull>-bleeped-<! We have XY chromosomes and a willy.

Heart: Cant you see we are very close to our breaking point?

Head: The way we are living sort of works...?

Heart: We have tried keeping the lid on this pressure cooker desire to be a woman but at the cost of never feeling joy. If you turn off one emotion, you turn them all off.

Head: But we're really male....you know? A bloke.

Heart: We will never be a bloke.

Head: You are so emotional!

Heart:  .... Now ?....You must have noticed we are stressed ?

Head: Now thats an understatement! And you know its your fault. If we simply didn't have emotions we would be fine.

Heart: If you don't admit we can't live as male, WE are going to crash very soon! And based on your 39 years of acute logical observation, do you think we might be close to that point ?

Head: ... Yep...

Heart: Have any of our androdgynous compromises worked for any length of time ?

Head: ...No.

Heart: You know I'm right don't you ?

Head: ... You might be right.

Heart: You do know what I'm saying, don't you ?

Head: ...Maybe ?

Heart: We live as a woman, or, to be logically accurate, we live in a way that society sees us as a woman. That will work for me, and if you insist on rationalist accuracy, you can go round telling everyone our history.

Head: I guess I could almost live with that.

Heart: Almost ??

Head: Ok,  I can actually live with that. But ... this is very scary ! What if it doesn't work ?

Heart: Now there's a turnaround ! - Head is scared and Heart is logical !

Head: ....Um... we are only human.

Heart: What ?? ... Does that mean you agree ?

Head: ...?? Well ... yes.

Heart: Whats there to lose ?

Head: My willy ?

Heart: A small price to pay for your happiness and sanity !









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[Ann W]

From time to time, I experience something similar. I'll be going along, happy as a clam; and then something will catch my mental attention and suggest I'm wrong about who I am. My head tries to grapple with the issue, while my heart already knows the answer. I've learned that the trick is to simply not listen to my head, and eventually it will shut up.

GK Chesterton, in his book, "Orthodoxy," wrote about the difference between poetry and reason:

Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea; reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite. The result is mental exhaustion... . To accept everything is an exercise, to understand everything a strain. The poet only desires exaltation and expansion, a world to stretch himself in. The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits.

Or, as Joshua said, in "War Games":

Interesting game. The only way to win, is not to play.

[Kirsteneklund7]

From time to time, I experience something similar. I'll be going along, happy as a clam; and then something will catch my mental attention and suggest I'm wrong about who I am. My head tries to grapple with the issue, while my heart already knows the answer. I've learned that the trick is to simply not listen to my head, and eventually it will shut up.

GK Chesterton, in his book, "Orthodoxy," wrote about the difference between poetry and reason:

Or, as Joshua said, in "War Games":

Great take on how to deal with our existence Ann!

Kirsten.

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[randim]

Thanks for sharing that Kirsten.  I have thought a lot about the heart/head dichotomy the past year or so, and it really resonates.  I have always been a head person most of my life, partly due to nature, partly due to socialization, and partly due to stuffing such a large part of me in the closet.  I was talking to my therapist yesterday about this.  I struggle to claim the term woman.  I can claim transwoman, because I feel like that acknowledges the reality of my natal gender, but I struggle with woman because all my life intellectually I've carried around a perfect correlation between the gender nouns and anatomy. Most people do, especially of my generation, and it is difficult for me to deconstruct that.  In an important sense, that doesn't matter, because it is in a few ways simply an academic exercise.  Whether I'm a woman, a man, a transwoman, or some other term, I more and more want to present socially as female. I want to walk like a duck and quack like a duck, and ultimately be treated like a duck.  Or at least a lot more like a duck.  Still working on all those things.  Unfortunately, my wife has to do the same deconstruction to accept me, and she's a lot less motivated than I am to work on it.  It's....interesting.

[Ann W]

In an important sense, that doesn't matter, because it is in a few ways simply an academic exercise.  Whether I'm a woman, a man, a transwoman, or some other term, I more and more want to present socially as female. I want to walk like a duck and quack like a duck, and ultimately be treated like a duck.

Thank you for sharing that, randim! I had forgotten that. Labels can be a red herring, can't they?

[CynthiaAnn]

Has anyone felt like this?

Heart: Whats there to lose ?

Head: My willy ?

Heart: A small price to pay for your happiness and sanity !

Interesting reading this morning Kirsten, and I would agree with the last part, having gone through some of these mental gyrations.

Thanks for posting

Hugs

C -

[Rayna]

Unfortunately, my wife has to do the same deconstruction to accept me, and she's a lot less motivated than I am to work on it.  It's....interesting.

Thank you for posting this, Kirsten. It does resonate.

My wife and I were just discussing a similar topic (over tears) this morning. Her head says she should be married to a man, while her heart says it should be loving and accepting. The two are very much in conflict within her.

Randi, thank you too. I quoted you because while I struggle somewhat in how I see myself and how I want to present to the world, my wife's struggle is at the forefront.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thanks for sharing that Kirsten.  I have thought a lot about the heart/head dichotomy the past year or so, and it really resonates.  I have always been a head person most of my life, partly due to nature, partly due to socialization, and partly due to stuffing such a large part of me in the closet.  I was talking to my therapist yesterday about this.  I struggle to claim the term woman.  I can claim transwoman, because I feel like that acknowledges the reality of my natal gender, but I struggle with woman because all my life intellectually I've carried around a perfect correlation between the gender nouns and anatomy. Most people do, especially of my generation, and it is difficult for me to deconstruct that.  In an important sense, that doesn't matter, because it is in a few ways simply an academic exercise.  Whether I'm a woman, a man, a transwoman, or some other term, I more and more want to present socially as female. I want to walk like a duck and quack like a duck, and ultimately be treated like a duck.  Or at least a lot more like a duck.  Still working on all those things.  Unfortunately, my wife has to do the same deconstruction to accept me, and she's a lot less motivated than I am to work on it.  It's....interesting.

I feel like that too Randim. The HRT and dressing as a woman has all been about moderating the war between the Heart and the Head.

Kirsten


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[Kirsteneklund7]

Thank you for posting this, Kirsten. It does resonate.

My wife and I were just discussing a similar topic (over tears) this morning. Her head says she should be married to a man, while her heart says it should be loving and accepting. The two are very much in conflict within her.

Randi, thank you too. I quoted you because while I struggle somewhat in how I see myself and how I want to present to the world, my wife's struggle is at the forefront.

Hi Randy,

I know what you mean.

Our loved ones have to go through all this as well. It really can increase the size of the pressure cooker.

Kirsten.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Interesting reading this morning Kirsten, and I would agree with the last part, having gone through some of these mental gyrations.

Thanks for posting

Hugs

C -

I really value your take on it all Cynthia. I know you have been through it all and came out the other side successfully and still with a wife. I hope to do the same.

Kirsten


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[CynthiaAnn]

I really value your take on it all Cynthia. I know you have been through it all and came out the other side successfully and still with a wife. I hope to do the same.

Kirsten


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how sweet dear...

I hope that for you too Kirsten !! It's not an easy road.

We are here to support each other dear sister...

Best

Cynthia -

[Kirsteneklund7]

how sweet dear...

I hope that for you too Kirsten !! It's not an easy road.

We are here to support each other dear sister...

Best

Cynthia -

Dont call me dear ! ( just kidding )
Being able to converse with you about all this is such a valuable opportunity. I look forward to your life tips and just friendly banter.

Kirsten x.


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[CynthiaAnn]

I added that embellishment after the original post went thru 

friendly banter for sure....

C -

[HappyMoni]

Kirsten,
   A very well expressed way to say what you are dealing with. I like the comments after as well. I think I dealt with this period of my life in a similar way but slightly different. When I was in my decision making stage, I started a journal. It was written by two people, male me and female me. When I wrote as male me, I tried to jump whole heartedly into that perspective. Same with the female me. You can guess who had more to say, and yes, who really was the heart. Male me came down to having only one argument. Safety was his only point. Of course his ally was fear. He argued that blowing up a life with no guarantee of a good place to land was crazy. She (more accurately, real me) said that we should try a step by step approach. Go out in public, get experience in the female mode and at the point where we felt it wasn't right, we could turn back. For me, being regarded as a female was so right, so wonderful. At some point, he had to admit that this had to be done, it had to be done with fear standing next to me, and yeah, it was a bit risky. After a while, my thoughts on those pages found nothing for him to write. He became more of a shadow that followed along and watched. Funny that my partner knew all of this when  we first met. She knew who real me was. She liked real me more. Anyway, I thought I'd share my way to help clear my mind. Hugs and good hunting for real you. No, I suspect you pretty much know already.
Moni

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten,
   A very well expressed way to say what you are dealing with. I like the comments after as well. I think I dealt with this period of my life in a similar way but slightly different. When I was in my decision making stage, I started a journal. It was written by two people, male me and female me. When I wrote as male me, I tried to jump whole heartedly into that perspective. Same with the female me. You can guess who had more to say, and yes, who really was the heart. Male me came down to having only one argument. Safety was his only point. Of course his ally was fear. He argued that blowing up a life with no guarantee of a good place to land was crazy. She (more accurately, real me) said that we should try a step by step approach. Go out in public, get experience in the female mode and at the point where we felt it wasn't right, we could turn back. For me, being regarded as a female was so right, so wonderful. At some point, he had to admit that this had to be done, it had to be done with fear standing next to me, and yeah, it was a bit risky. After a while, my thoughts on those pages found nothing for him to write. He became more of a shadow that followed along and watched. Funny that my partner knew all of this when  we first met. She knew who real me was. She liked real me more. Anyway, I thought I'd share my way to help clear my mind. Hugs and good hunting for real you. No, I suspect you pretty much know already.
Moni

Thank you so much Moni for putting that out there.

That is exactly my plan- to go out and socialise as the female me and see what that is like. It doesnt have to destroy my hard won life.

Sometimes I think gaining relief by being a part time woman may work. The only way is to try it.

I strongly suspect full time woman will be better.

Very interesting and enlightening to hear how your journal evolved!

Im so lucky I can converse and glean life experience from you.

Thankful regards, Kirsten x.


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[HappyMoni]

Kirsten,
I think you are gonna enjoy it. Just a hunch. I enjoy chatting with you as well. The period of trying to find your answer is very difficult. Hope you figure out a great answer for your life.
Moni