The Next Step?

[Swanson777]

So I feel like what is going with me is kind of unstoppable, but a full transition would be SO expensive and I'm just not sure how to manifest this new identity through the remainder of my life (I am only 32).
There is still a lot of inner resistance to the idea that this is somehow "wrong", the conditioning is very strong inside me and I'm still fairly prejudiced against myself and others.
At the same time however I am coming to loathe who I am as a male. The way I act in public is very anti social and by now I've fully lost the ability to relate to people.
But when I dress... the wig and clothes and full outfit really does trick the brain into thinking I'm someone else and it is sooo refreshing.
I've started broadcasting myself and it's amazing what a few positive comments do to lift my self-esteem, even if its superficial. I think that goes to show ya how terribly low my self-esteem is to begin with, and how badly I am starved of social interaction on a daily basis. Naturally, I begin to find these wayward solutions.
The central factor in all of this is my alcoholism which is probably the reason I cross dress, to be honest I have to drink when I'm doing it to let go of the self-conscious factor.

[HappyMoni]

So I feel like what is going with me is kind of unstoppable, but a full transition would be SO expensive and I'm just not sure how to manifest this new identity through the remainder of my life (I am only 32).
There is still a lot of inner resistance to the idea that this is somehow "wrong", the conditioning is very strong inside me and I'm still fairly prejudiced against myself and others.
At the same time however I am coming to loathe who I am as a male. The way I act in public is very anti social and by now I've fully lost the ability to relate to people.
But when I dress... the wig and clothes and full outfit really does trick the brain into thinking I'm someone else and it is sooo refreshing.
I've started broadcasting myself and it's amazing what a few positive comments do to lift my self-esteem, even if its superficial. I think that goes to show ya how terribly low my self-esteem is to begin with, and how badly I am starved of social interaction on a daily basis. Naturally, I begin to find these wayward solutions.
The central factor in all of this is my alcoholism which is probably the reason I cross dress, to be honest I have to drink when I'm doing it to let go of the self-conscious factor.

I can't imagine you cross dress to relieve your drinking. I think it much more likely you drink to mask the pain of mismatched gender. That's my thought. People run from and mask the pain of being trans in different ways. Some drink, some do dangerous things, I built things. Transition is expensive, scary, inconvenient, emotionally exhausting, but sometimes its the only answer.

[Dena]

There is a problem with drinking and that is it interferes with the though process. It was the reason why I decided to avoid all drugs and alcohol when I was in my mid teens. I realized if I found the magic substance that made all the pain go away, I wouldn't address the things in my life I needed to deal with.

My suggestion is you stop drinking. If you need it, use a therapist or attend AA meetings. Once you do, you will save some money and possible you could take on a part time job to help pay for your transition. Transitions don't happen. They take a good deal of hard work and determination. Should you decide not to transition, you will be no worst off with this plan. If you decide to transition, you will be on your way.

[Swanson777]

Yeah, I'm planning to avoid drinking tonight.
I drank a pint of Bacardi last night and while I seem to think I handle alcohol really well because on the other hand I get so much nutrition and exercise, it definitely does limit my ability to make muscular gains which is frustrating. Sans alcohol I could become REALLY strong.
Right now I'm at the stage of learning to properly shave and exfoliate. There does seem to be an unstoppable momentum to this because once I'm "done" with all prepping I look in the mirror and I fall in love with what I see, it throws me into this narcissistic bliss which is a welcome relief and bizarre alternative to being the frustrated male who can never get laid. Its so odd but its so fun.