I relate to your first post in your blog. I don't think of things like breast implants as fake, it's just that breast size hasn't appeared in my head as something that I agonize over. My change in appearance is slow, because if I just make a change that is stereotypical of women, it doesn't express what I feel. I want to see a change in direction that feels right and then pursue that. I tried learning to put on makeup and buying women's clothing and discovered how that all looks wrong on me, the way I did it and they way some women did it at Ulta, for me. None of those things, make me feel better.
I also don't care if I am a "trans woman" or a man who thinks he's a person who feels like a woman. I see myself in terms of what I am not. "Man" doesn't define what I am and it's very unpleasant seeing signs of being like the stereotype of what "men" are.
My goal with HRT, like what you have said, is to be softer to any extent possible. I want to feel less awful. I love feeling my breasts pulled up and down by gravity even though they look like man boobs, right now.
So, if I couldn't be on HRT, I like to think I would not give up. I just want to be "not male" and I want to discover my changes, not invent them.
