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Sometimes I feel out of place- Bea's Blog

Started by Bea1968, May 09, 2019, 11:12:23 AM

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Bea1968

Sometimes I feel out of place.  Like I don't fit it, even here.  There is all sorts of folk here and while we share many similarities, we also have unique experiences, values and ways of dealing with our dysphoria.

I want to share something about how I feel and I don't intend for it to be a criticism of others that feel different. It's just my reality.

I am tired of being a fake, of living a lie.  But I do not want to trade one lie for another.  I will be starting HRT again soon and am anxious to see what that does for my body.  But I have no desire to go one bit further.  My therapist is somewhat baffled by that.  I don't want SRS and I don't want top surgery.  I just want what my body does itself.  To me, anything else is a lie.  I would love to have nice full breasts but for me it would be soul crushing to know they were fake.  To me, that lie is no different than the one I live now.  I am sure most here will not understand but I wanted to share and see what folk have to say. It makes me sad that my reality is that I will never look like I feel I should but I can't let go of that feeling about being fake.
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Northern Star Girl

@Bea1968
Dear Bea:
Many here, including myself,  can identify with what you have stated.
If you will allow me, I would like to give you a suggestion that may help you.

I see that you are a fairly new member since April 19th and you have commented quite a bit around the various Forums threads ... and have started more than a dozen new topic threads...  BUT, unless I am missing it, I do not see your Personal Transition Thread.   Many members start  their "own" threads that they will use to chronicle their transition journey and life endeavors.   Sharing your moments, both good and bad, is a way for your to vent your feelings, your successes, your failures, and generally what is going on in your life.

The big advantage of writing things out is that you can have an opportunity to examine your own feelings, share with your readers and followers, exchange thoughts and ideas with others, and postulate positive ways to improve your future experiences. 

****By now you have probably found many like-minded members here on the forums and as time goes on you may make new friends here if you have not already done so.

In addition to my own personal journal (Links at the bottom of my comments) I also keep a more private old-school pen&paper journal complete with colorful doodling and perhaps a few pictures....  Many times I will write my deepest thoughts, my biggest successes and my worst failures.  I find that it is very good  personal therapy and there are times I will sit and read things that I have written going back to the beginning.

You will find that your readers and followers here on the Forums are your biggest fans and we are always supporting you.   When you have good things to report we will rejoice with you... and when you report your frustrations and not-so-good news you will always find us having an ear available to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

I am hoping and trusting that what I have stated may be of help to your as you ponder your life journey.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle


Quote from: Bea1968 on May 09, 2019, 11:12:23 AM
Sometimes I feel out of place.  Like I don't fit it, even here.  There is all sorts of folk here and while we share many similarities, we also have unique experiences, values and ways of dealing with our dysphoria.

I want to share something about how I feel and I don't intend for it to be a criticism of others that feel different. It's just my reality.

I am tired of being a fake, of living a lie.  But I do not want to trade one lie for another.  I will be starting HRT again soon and am anxious to see what that does for my body.  But I have no desire to go one bit further.  My therapist is somewhat baffled by that.  I don't want SRS and I don't want top surgery.  I just want what my body does itself.  To me, anything else is a lie.  I would love to have nice full breasts but for me it would be soul crushing to know they were fake.  To me, that lie is no different than the one I live now.  I am sure most here will not understand but I wanted to share and see what folk have to say. It makes me sad that my reality is that I will never look like I feel I should but I can't let go of that feeling about being fake.

****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old and Single
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Bea1968

Worth a try.  I will just modify this post and start it as my transition blog since that thought is probably my most troublesome one with regards to my transition.  Not knowing how HRT will eventually change me leaves my long term goals somewhat vague. Much rides on what changes do occurs with me. 
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Northern Star Girl

Quote from: Bea1968 on May 09, 2019, 11:48:04 AM
Worth a try.  I will just modify this post and start it as my transition blog since that thought is probably my most troublesome one with regards to my transition.  Not knowing how HRT will eventually change me leaves my long term goals somewhat vague. Much rides on what changes do occurs with me.

@Bea1968 
Dear Bea:

Great !!!!   I am certain that your own personal thread will be of benefit to you.
I will be eagerly looking for your comments/postings on your new thread and elsewhere on the Forums.

Hugs,
Danielle
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the HUNTED PREY : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old and Single
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Rayna

Hi Bea,

I too feel somewhat out of place. Like you I don't expect to ever have any surgery. Perhaps HRT, perhaps not even that. My wife and I are still negotiating this tricky passage through the rapids.

Despite our unique differences, I still find much of value here, and I value the friends I make here. I have even met some of them in real life, which is nice to put a face on names.

I look forward to reading your postings.
Randy

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

If so, then why not?
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KristySims

Quote from: Bea1968 on May 09, 2019, 11:12:23 AM
.... but I can't let go of that feeling about being fake.

Hey Bea,  I don't venture too far from the TS talk as this site is insanely large.  But I happen to be poking around here and saw your post.  I think I replied to another a little while back and saw this one today.  What you said really struck a cord with me as well. And I am not criticizing anyone else either...  we are all on our own journey

I hate being fake, more than my own dysphoria at times.  I just want to blend in and be me, but I also realize that if I can't blend in am gonna stick out, which means either embracing the trans-woman and not giving a crap about what others say or think or do or do everything I can to blend and live as a woman WITHOUT being fake! I am totally dysphoric and so worried about what other's think and scared what could happen to me if I did look anything but a woman. So this is how I am coming to terms with the procedures I have chosen to do.

First my body produced testosterone which caused my body to develop WRONG in the first place and going back in utero my gonads arranged into male parts.  I am looking at everything that I do, as re-arranging what I have back to where it is supposed to go.  Even SRS is simply rearranging the existing parts back to where they need to be.....  After being on HRT for about a year, I do have breast development, some hip and face changes with the fat redistribution, but the testosterone already put my fat where is wasn't supposed to go in the first place, so things like a BBL or body contouring will simply be moving my own body's fat to where it was supposed to be in the first place. I am also considering fat to my boobs.  My FFS is also moving my existing features and fat around to where they should have been. I am on the line with implants, but if it is because my bone structure didn't get formed because of my lack of estrogen, then augmenting that missing bone is not veering too far from being authentic. 

I dunno if this helps you or your journey, but I struggled with transitioning for a LONG time and it was the being fake that was hard to deal with. I remove my forms, silicone this and that... wipe off my makeup and I look in the mirror and I see an ugly woman that looks like a guy.  Taking off my breasts were like ripping my body parts off, yet it felt fake while wearing them.....  HRT has really helped though. I have had to get smaller breast forms and smaller hips forms and I am using less and less makeup.....  but once HRT has fixed as much of me as it can, then I am gonna have the dr's help with the leftovers :) 

XO's
Kristy
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Bea1968

Thanks Kristy, you have given me some things to think about.  I am glad someone here gets what I am feeling


Thank you

Bea
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Bea1968

When I first started HRT I was on spiro and oral estridol.  I had some issues with blood clots.  Between the clots and financial reasons I stopped HRT.  I have since resumed spiro only at minimum dose and have started getting blood clots in my legs again.  I booked appointment to see my GP tomorrow but I am getting anxious.  If I am developing clots without being on estridol then What the heck? If I have to eliminate all hormone based solutions for my dysphoria I will, I don't want to die but DAMN! all I keep thinking is how badly that sucks.
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Dena

Just a thought. Spiro lowers your blood pressure which means your blood may flow at a slower rate possibly making it more likely to form clots. You might ask the doctor about another blocker or just estradiol without a blocker.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber
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Melinda@heart

I switched from Spiro to Bicalutamide last year. It has worked great without all the side effects of Spiro.

As for your original post, I completely understand where you're coming from. Be assured, you are not alone. I started HRT in April of 2018. After one year there have many changes. I'm still not sure if I ever want to transition openly and live as a woman, but when I switched to injectable E I found my mind wanting that more and more. I over analyze everything which causes me to hesitate making the decision. I personally think that's a good thing because it's a serious choice to make. I respect the ladies here who transitioned fully. I envy their courage.

Whatever you decide is the best path for your journey, I truly wish you the best.

~Mindy

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

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christinej78

#10
Quote from: Bea1968 on May 16, 2019, 04:00:26 PM
When I first started HRT I was on spiro and oral estridol.  I had some issues with blood clots.
.
.
@Dena
Hi Bea,                        16 May 2019

Let me introduce myself. My name is Christine Jessica Hernández, which is my chosen name. My legal name is Chet Headley, currently from Southlake, Texas, soon to be Phoenix, Arizona.

I have read some of your posts about your blood clots. I am no expert on medical issues though I do have some first hand experience with blood clots in the legs.

On Friday 23 November 2018, I experienced itching, swelling, redness and elevated temperature in my left leg. At the time I was Skyping with my girlfriend Dena. I mentioned what my calf looked and felt like and she asked me to hold it up to the camera, which I did. She told me to immediately go to a real hospital emergency department and to NOT go to a "Doc-in-a-box.".

It was early afternoon, got to the hospital emergency department and registered. When I told them what the symptom/problem was, they immediately took me in and gave me a room. The Doc came in, looked at my leg and called in an Ultrasound Tech who checked my left leg. She found two DVT's in the veins in my calf behind the knee.

Long story short, they prescribed Xarelto as the anticoagulant and clot dissolver. Within four hours my symptoms started to clear. On the 22nd of this month I will have been on Xarelto 6 months, which is the normal course of treatment with this drug. Sometimes it will take longer. On Wednesday 15 May 2019 I had my third D-dimer blood draw. This checks for debris from disintegrating clots. My first test result was 2.51, the second was 1.73 and on Wednesday 22 May 2019 I'll learn the results of my third D-dimer. Normal is (less than or equal) <= 0.49.

My Hematologist wants to run another test that is more definitive than the D-dimer, but, and a big but, I have to be off Xarelto for 30 days before they can run the test. I'll probably have to switch to Coumadin for 30 days. At any rate, I won't know where we are going until the 22nd of May.

I have been OFF HRT (Estradiol Patches) since 23 November 2018. I'm on what I call No-Mones. For almost 6 months I have been sitting in a stalled car at a traffic light, languishing in "Eunuch-Ville." I prefer being on the green side of the lawn so I won't be self medicating.

There is another issue called Phlebitis, which is an inflammation of a vein, usually in the leg. Sometimes clots will form and then it's called Thrombophlebitis. This is serious but not as serious as a DVT.

If you are a smoker, stop immediately and never take it up again. See a Hematologist to find out why you are developing blood clots in your legs. If you're sedentary start exercising especially walking. If overweight lose some, go on a diet and exercise program. See a Hematologist and your Primary Care Physician. If you drink alcohol cut it way back or stop it altogether. Illegal drugs, just stop.

If you have DVT's, do not neglect or ignore them; they are dangerous, they can cost us our lives or worse, we can survive as vegetables. Strokes, if you know what they are.

Had it not been for Dena spotting the DVT and sending me off to the hospital, most certainly I wouldn't be here today; Dena saved my life! Thank You Dear, I Love You.

I asked the Hematologist about Estrogen / Estradiol and their connection to blood clots. He said Estradiol / Estrogen cause the blood to become stickier. So does Testosterone but to a lessor degree. In my case Testosterone should not be an issue as I had an Orchiectomy Friday 13 April 2018; my "T" is close to zero. Dena and I both think my DVT was the result of other problems in my left leg that manifested themselves about 3 years prior and were not related to HRT as I was not on it at the time.

I wish you well in your transition. I'm glad your wife supports you; she is your most valuable asset.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Veteran - US Navy                                       Arborist, rigger, climber, sawyer
Trans Woman 13 Apr 18                               LEO (Cop)
Living as female - 7 years                             Pilot
Start HRT san's AA's 27 March 2018              Mechanic
Borchiday completed Friday 13 Apr 2018        Engineer Multi Discipline
IT Management Consultant                            Programmer
Friend                                                          Bum, Bumett
Semi Retired                                                Still Enjoy Being a Kid, Refuse to Grow UP
Former Writer / Editor                                   Carpenter / Plumber / Electrician
Ex-Biker, Ex-Harley Driver                             Friend of a Coyote
Ex-Smoker 50 years and heading for 100
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Bea1968

Bea died the other day.  Not in actuality but in a sense that is very real.  My body has betrayed me yet again.  It's unable to accept estridol without complications and now has shown that it cannot even accept an antiadrogen without complications.  The dream is over.  I cannot be Bea.

Without some sort of HRT I can't do anything or be anything other than what I am.....a fifty year old man who works in a factory.  I will be doing yet another purge today as the sight of anything feminine just makes me sad.  Hopefully this will be the last purge as I try to address my reality and move on. 

I feel like a loved one has died but I'm still alive and must move on. 
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Allie Jayne

Bea, many have transitioned without HRT, worth doing some more research! Maybe you need to consider all possibilities and find the best outcome for yourself. My need was to be a mother. It could never happen, so I fathered 2 children, and was as active as any mother raising them. Now I am a grandmother. Over the years I have managed my dysphoria with mothering and crossdressing, but now I need to transition. None of this meets my ideal, but it is the best I can get from life. Talk to your therapist, and look for non HRT tansitioners here and elsewhere. There is a path for you if you look hard enough.

Allie

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Maid Marion

Sorry to hear of your problems with HRT.

I've developed a very feminine figure without HRT.  My pecs pass for perky A cup boobs.  I do a ton of flower gardening from a squatting position so I have a well developed lower body.  A healthy diet keeps my weight low. I cook most of my meals and use a scale to insure proper portion sizes.  But, I found I also need some targeted exercises to have a thin waist for an hourglass figure, even with a bmi of 20.  I've been growing my nails and gray hair out.  I'm over 50.
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CynthiaAnn

Quote from: Bea1968 on May 19, 2019, 04:13:12 AM
I will be doing yet another purge today as the sight of anything feminine just makes me sad.

Bea we all must do what's right for ourselves, perhaps instead of "purge", consider just putting your things out of sight / mind for while, as to avoid the potential regrets that may come later, things change, just sayin'.....

Take care

Cynthia -

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Maddie

Bea I am sorry for the bad news and that you are feeling this way,, especially considering your feelings about surgeries.  Hope you can find ways to be someone you like and love.
I've been following the blog of a friend a friend who is transitioning mtf without HRT, due to serious medical complications from it. If you want, I will try to send you the link to it.
Crossdressed as small child. Told parents, then hid it.
1980s-2010s Alternately "out" to varying degrees and/or outright denial and man-faking
2015 Surrendered/allowed my she-self to show more outwardly. Changes begin.
Currently working with counselor. No HRT or surgeries yet.
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Dena

It's important that you don't give up as that is the only way you lose. There are cross dressers who never use HRT. On the site we have member who transitioned to full time before starting HRT. You probably haven't exhausted all the current medical options and who knows what the future may offer. It took me nearly 8 years from start to finish because information was very difficult to find. HRT makes things easer but it's only a part of the solution and sometimes, only a small part.

If you're depressed, pack your stuff away and think about it for a while. The urge doesn't go away and discarding what you have is something you will latter regret. This may be a setback but it isn't necessary the end.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber
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KristySims

Well sorry but you are still Bea to me!  don't give up girl!  so you are going to a GP for your HRT?  have you considered an Endo or another professional? There are some alternatives to estrogen replacement that are less risky and with proper monitoring can reduce risks associated with taking HRT.........Estradiol IM for example.  I just posted a few days back how I have near zero levels of T and I don't take any blockers only Progesterone and Estradiol injections. Hon, don't give up, I would at least seek a health professional that specializes in trans-care.  May I ask what part of the world you call home?  I'm in Ohio. 
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Bea1968

SW Florida.  My thoughts are that if my body does not even like a t blocker then there really isn't much more to be done.  I had already come to terms that given how I feel about surgery that I will never look like I should but I had hoped HRT would kinda smooth out the rough edges.  I'm putting all my stuff away in bins and if I don't break down for a year then I will donate it all.  Without HRT I am nothing but some old dude in a dress and that just does not work for me.
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Allie Jayne

Bea, please don't give up, there will be an answer out there, and hopefully someone on here can direct you to help. I've seen some amazing transformations with just correct clothing and makeup. Being accepted is more than just looks, it's the way you speak, act, and even the company you are in can define you. The urge never goes, and it can cause serious health problems if not satisfied, I thought I could put it aside but I ended up too sick to work. If you don't have a therapist, get one, and keep looking, you will find an answer.

Allie
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