Hello everyone and welcome to my life story,
I am mostly making this post out of a need for opinions as I am actually at a loss at what to do.
When i was very young, something along the lines of less than 5 years old, i had a nanny, who used to dress me up in my sisters clothing, ever since then I've always felt more comfortable in a girls role and in their respective clothing and activities.
Unfortunately i was born in a country where being transgender, or even gay/lesbian, is very frowned upon, given that something along the lines of 90% of the country is roman catholic.
Naturally my mother thought i was some sort of degenerate and sent me to a slew of psychologists and psychiatrists as is normal for a single digit age child (sarcasm).She ended up believing i had a "fetish" for girls clothing. I ended up having to grow up very quickly (matured mentally) because i quickly noticed that this place where i lived was not very accepting and or receptive of my nature.
I have a cousin who's gay, who became openly gay at something like 15 years old, which caused his parents to divorce, his dad to throw a fit and kick him from his house. Luckily for him, his mom was very understanding, mine, was not. She treated me as a freak, often actually applying corporal punishment (getting hit with a belt, slapped, punched, hair yanked, pulled/pinched ears, pulled/ripped off the root hair)
Growing up i always envied the opposite gender for being able to be loved as openly and as easily, considering that the same behavior from me, always ended up with a beating for me. My parents were very fond of corporal punishment as it were, with my sister still getting hit with belts till she was something like 20+
Naturally, given that any mention of being effeminate or gay in this country got bullies involved i retreated into myself, and before you ask, parents didn't give a crap, and actually encouraged the behavior from their child, because, wouldn't you know it, beating the crap out of a "faggot" was apparently in the bible according to some of them.
As i grew older, i tried to be "normal" but pretty quickly found i couldn't find common interests with most boys my age, feeling more comfortable and more in common with girls, which naturally did not work because i was male and effeminate per say.
I'm the youngest sibling of 3, older bother and older sister, my family sucks in general. My grandfather was your average insane nut job, who also was a pedophile, so he molested pretty much every female cousin, and my sister.
This made my sister my parents favorite child, which is understandable, but it also made her a very spoiled child, as my grandmother to make up for it bought and got her everything she ever wanted as a kid. Pretty sure there's a touch of jealousy from my part in there.
I've pretty much have secluded myself and live in my own little world, I have 3 friends who are all living over 6000 miles away, I go to work, come home, read books, rinse repeat.
I want more, I've always wanted more, i wanted to be normal, and to live a normal life.
So here we are, where im having my existential crisis once again
Also I've had chronic depression since i was about 7 i should add.
I'm 28, almost 29, birthday is next month, and I'm considering changing my life entirely by starting self administered HRT (low and behold there's not a single trans help clinic here, or any support, or legislation).
Because of my depression, and lack of basic human interaction for the past decade, and basic survival needs, i don't know what to do. I don't even know what i am, am i even transgender, am i just a freak? I certainly don't know hence my search for others opinions.
My main concerns are, this country is way too small, and everyone knows everyone, unfortunately.
Other concerns are, I am basically a hairball, i detest my own genes because of it, my dad is Italian descent and it shows, because I'm pretty sure my body hair has its own body hair, i don't think I've ever met anyone else with hairs on the inside of their elbow joints or knee joints.
Other important points that may pertain to deliver a relatively informed advice is, I have been with and slept with a guy, i have had a girlfriend but not done very much. I cant say im sexually attracted to either or, as im pretty sure i was more jealous of her body and clothing/shoe selection than sexually attracted to her, and as for him, i loved the way i was made to feel, i didnt see the guy (or any guy) and go omg so hawt.
I'm not gonna lie and pretend i haven't thought about killing myself either, its been pretty much a constant hum in the back of my mind for the past 20+ years now, but i think I'm reaching the point where i no longer care anymore and just wanna try something different, maybe because i know that my current way of living makes me miserable and will probably end with a bang.
I genuinely don't know what to do.
Also another irony, i happen to hate my body hair because im way too hairy, but wouldn't u know it, I'm somehow going bald. I know some people wouldnt want to transition and lose the ability to bear children, for me thats a non-concern because i wouldnt want to curse a human child with my horrible genetics anyways.
To resume, I'm 28 (almost 29) and want to do HRT, im SUPER hairy, and not even remotely feminine looking <not allowed> think Sona Avedian but more hairy, and im not even sure what i am.
Thank you to those who actually made it to the end of the post, and have a great day!
Marce Z
