I know I know, doubt is a common part of the trans experience but it's driving me crazy.
One day i'll be SO eager, so excited, can't wait to get on T, get top surgery, start my new life and then others I get this sudden feeling of dread and fear and "but wait... are you really dysphoric? it's not that bad living like this right? You can handle it. It's easier to just stay how you are and dress more masculine"
And im like WHY? Why brain?
Like.. why can't I just have certainty? Or at least some consistancy?
Instead I feel like a yoyo and it's exhausting. One day i'm all "yes, i'm definitely for sure absolutley 100% trans and i'm gonna be a guy and it's gonna be amazing and fantastic and i'm totally ready for this journey" and the next i'm all "mmm maybe being a girl isn't all bad... I can live with this."
i find myself constantly bargaining with myself, finding compromises. "yes i'll get top surgery, ooo but maybe not t" for example, when deep down I really know I WANT that damn T because I keep going back to it, keep going back to watching transition timelapses and feeling this surge of wonder and excitement.
I'm in conflict with myself. This conflict of fear of the unknown and my dislike for change, that fear of rocking the boat and making a big drama when it's not "worth it" (so my brain tells me) and this deep rooted desire to move forward now that i've pinpointed what has been off all these years.
there's conflict between various socialisation things that mean I have certain feminine mannerisms or interests and this idea of "being trans enough".
Which is stupid I know, I mean i've advocated for years for groups like Let Toys Be Toys about how gendered hobbies/interests and clothing are damaging and reductive but social conditioning and indeed peer pressure is difficult to shrug off. I keep getting told "guys act like X" and it's honestly ticking me off because I feel like it's invalidating me but then it sows seeds of doubt.
I also am finding this ongoing fight with my body regarding grooming habits. I pick up some tweazers to yank an ingrowing hair and my brain goes "ooo you should tweaze ALL this belly hair!" and I have to tell myself no. Becuase I know I only want to do it not because the belly hair grosses me out (it never has) but because all my life i've been conditioned to DO SO and to treat my natural body hair as unclean and needing to be removed. It's a difficult habit to break.
thing is, I LIKE that i'm very hairy. It's one of the body traits I have that aligns with my gender identity and makes me feel sort of.. okay about my body. Even Pre T I can grow a little facial hair, I have a very furry belly and my leg hair is incredible. It's great! But all my life i've been taught to be ashamed of it, to hide it, told I should feel lesser because of it. I never understood why, it wasn't something that caused me dysphoria, but because I didn't want to be picked on or singled out I conformed and did as I was told. I removed the hair.
It's been really liberating to let it grow back but I get days where those old habits nag at me and my fingers twitch to tweaze or shave and i'm finding that a bit tricky.
Ultimately I feel like i'm scared, and because i'm scared i'm trying to find reasons NOT to transition. Right now my dysphoria isn't THAT bad. I mean, I can manage. I'm not consumed by it.
The fear is stronger and so I keep psyching myself out.
even though my family is supportive, even though I know i'm in a fortunate situation to be able to do so relatively safely, i'm still scared.
My biggest hurdle is my children, specifically my middle child who like me HATES change and is already really struggling with me cutting my hair and presenting more masculine. I'm not fitting his narrow view of how a mother should behave and he's struggling.
I'm worried they'll reject me. That they won't get it, that it'll freak them out and somehow mess them up. I dunno, I just worry about them and I don't want to do anything that'll cause them distress.
I keep chickening out on telling them. I've always been the sort of avoid awkward conversations and potential conflict, this is my usual pathetic turtle behaviour where I pull my head into my shell and refuse to come out again.
Still, how do you push yourself over those initial hurdles and throw yourself into transition and that point of no return? How do you push past the doubt and the fear and the anxiety and force that change?
I admit I keep sort of hoping that something happens that means I HAVE to transition so it's like.. taken out of my hands.
The fact I might actually need a hysterectomy for medical reasons is wierdly sort of a relief. I don't have to fight to get one, I don't have to argue with a doctor about it. I mean i'm scared of the surgery sure, but having an actual reason to remove this thing? It's a relief. I don't have to justify it, it's a medical neccessity instead.
and I sort of.. keep hoping somehow by some magical miracle there will be some reason why I NEED to go on testosterone or get top surgery or something as well.
Just so i don't have to make that call myself. Just so I have an excuse.
I'm a coward. And i'm disappointed in myself.
I should be stronger than this, but ultimately, I just don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to lose what I have. I don't want to hurt the people around me.
I guess i'd bathe in fire if it meant the people around me were happy and comfortable and safe. So putting myself first is just not natural to me.
How do you do that? How do you shove yourself off that precipice?
because right now, I just keep psyching myself out. Badly.
I keep chickening out. Doubting myself. Trying to convince myself that i'm cis really and just faking for attention or something and that i'll regret it if I do it and it's safer to just stay as I am.
eugh.. why is this so hard?
