"What Do YOU Care What Other People Think?"

[Arch]

My ex reminded of the title of this Feynman book when I debated what to wear at my father's funeral. I said I needed to shop for clothes (ugh) because I didn't want to look like a deadbeat. He said that after all I'd been through to evolve, transition, and live my own life, I shouldn't worry about how I looked to other people. In other words, he was talking about MY choices and MY authentic self that I project to others.

But that's just clothing. What about the way people treat me when they know I'm trans? My father's death has enabled me to reconnect with a cousin (Cousin A) online. He is respectful. My other cousin (Cousin B) converted to a very conservative religion years ago. I will see both cousins at the funeral, but I wasn't sure what to expect of Cousin B.

Now I'm getting a taste of it. Cousin A has forwarded a message, TO him but ABOUT me, from Cousin B. Cousin B uses my current name instead of my birth name (good for him), but then he uses female pronouns, twice--not a slip, not an accident. I don't plan to give him a crash course in Trans 101 at a funeral, so I will grit my teeth and just deal. However, at the back of my mind is "What do YOU care what other people think?"

Good question. I haven't seen Cousin B in years; I won't likely see him again. He has no power over any aspect of my life--not my documents or my health care or my job or my home. I don't fret over what he tells his friends; they are not in my life. Yet I'm disappointed and a bit angry. Why DO I care? I'm not sure.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! How are you coping with the loss of your Dad, Arch?

...

I don't fret over what he tells his friends; they are not in my life. Yet I'm disappointed and a bit angry. Why DO I care? I'm not sure.

...

That's just the give and take of life, in my opinion. Right, wrong, or indifferent...cousin B sees you as a bit different and out of the ordinary. Conversely...right, wrong, or indifferent...you see cousin B as a bit of an idiot. The beautiful thing is that you're both entitled to those opinions. If you're both smart about it, neither of you is letting the other live rent free in their head. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Arch]

I won't likely think much about this cousin after the funeral; we definitely don't run with the same crowd. But I'm so used to "passing"--and being stealth--that being misgendered to my face would be a real gut punch. It was bad enough secondhand in a typed message.

I didn't expect my father to live past 2024, frankly, but he got bad so quickly and died so fast that I got the wind knocked out of me. It's been a month, and I'm still numb and shocked. At least I had a few weeks of break to get used to the idea, but I was supposed to be working through most of it.

I should have requested a leave of absence, but I didn't realize until Friday night--too late, really. I'll have to teach the term after all. We have a couple of Monday holidays; they probably won't help enough, so I'm hoping to schedule in another strategic "free day" and just not be on campus while my students do some structured activity online, or something. I just need to get into July, and then I can really take a break.

[Oldandcreaky]

Since the Bible says that if "you do not temper your tongue, your religion is worthless" and since Cousin B emailed Cousin to gossip about you and use hurtful pronouns, Cousin B isn't actually religious. If he pretends that religion is why he can't respect you, his position has a foundation of ignorance. 

[Paulie]

I'm sorry about the loss of your father, I hope you are faring much better lately.

You care because it's human nature.  Everyone cares what others think of them.  To the extent of what we care varies depending upon who the other person is.  Strangers on the street, we care less.  Friends and family members we care more.  People at work fall somewhere in between. 

At work I wear female tops and a padded bra because I'm not as concerned about what they think of me.  Around some family and friends, I wear loose fitting tops that play down my bra.  When I do come out to them, some will accept it just fine; I just don't want to explain it to them yet.  Other will accept it with some reservations and be very polite.  Some friends, will give me s**t about it but still accept me; and for me that's fine.  I know they are good people, and I would not be hanging around them and be calling them friends if they weren't.  For those that don't fall into one of those categories (family that's not a friend, like your cousin), I'd keep my distance and try not to care, or at least, to care less.

I don't know your cousin B so I can't speak to the kind of person cousin B is.  If you feel cousin B not a good person, keep your distance if you can, and try to care less about cousin B.

In the end, it's nice that you've reconnected with cousin A. 

I hope the funeral goes/went well and gives you some closer with you fathers passing so quickly.

Warm Regards,

Paulie

[Arch]

Things went well. I'd always liked my cousins when we were younger, but I hadn't seen either one of them in years and years. A lot can change when someone converts to a conservative religion, but I was treated with friendliness and respect. So I touched base with both cousins and felt pretty good despite the circumstances. I've always been cynical about family--I have had good reason--so I thought I didn't care what any of my relatives thought of me. I still sorta do . . .

[Susan]

I am also very sorry to hear about the lost of your father.

Thank you for sharing this thoughtful reflection. It sounds like you handled a difficult family situation with grace and wisdom. Reconnecting with supportive family can be a silver lining during hard times. I agree that our journeys towards self-acceptance are complex and lifelong. While validation from others is meaningful, the most important relationship is the one we build with ourselves. Your resilience in staying true to who you are comes through clearly here.

Your experience with Cousin B, marked by a mix of disappointment and anger, highlights the intricate nature of human emotions and the complexities of social ties. It's not solely about the act of misgendering; it also touches upon an expected level of respect and understanding from family, however distant they may be.

Opting not to confront Cousin B at the funeral was a judicious decision, considering the sensitive nature of the event and the potential for conflict. This approach demonstrates a thoughtful balance between asserting your identity and wisely choosing your battles, particularly in emotionally charged circumstances.

The deep-seated human need for acceptance and respect, especially from family, is a significant factor in these feelings. It's natural to feel upset when these fundamental expectations are unmet. This situation serves as a reminder that our journey towards self-acceptance is an ongoing process, shaped by our interactions with others, regardless of how self-reliant we might consider ourselves.

On a positive note, reconnecting with Cousin A, who displays respect, underscores that not all family reactions are uniform, and that supportive dynamics can emerge in unexpected places.

In essence, the path to self-awareness and acceptance is personal and multi-faceted, influenced by our interactions with others. It's a continuous journey of discovery and reevaluation of what's truly important to us, and determining who in our lives has the capacity to impact our emotions and self-perception. Your story is a compelling illustration of this journey.

When faced with negative comments about yourself, reflect on the source. If the person's opinions holds no value or respect in your eyes, then it's best to simply disregard it and move forward. Remember, what others say about you often reveals more about their character than yours.

Wishing you continued strength on the path ahead.

[Arch]

As a mature adult, I've been able to remind myself from time to time that our anticipation of a dreaded event is often worse than the event itself. If only I'd been able to internalize this wisdom when I was younger!

I do feel that trans people are often the exception. Sometimes, the event really is as awful as we expect just because people are hostile or judgmental or downright bigoted.

I feel fortunate to have support from y'all at Susan's Place, and I'm mindful that the loss of my father has opened other doors. I just have to deal with all the gaping windows that he left behind . . . and the weather is stormy. I'll get through, though.

[Sarah B]

My ex reminded of the title of this Feynman book when I debated what to wear at my father's funeral. I said I needed to shop for clothes (ugh) because I didn't want to look like a deadbeat. He said that after all I'd been through to evolve, transition, and live my own life, I shouldn't worry about how I looked to other people. In other words, he was talking about MY choices and MY authentic self that I project to others.

I've been to a couple of funerals lately and it's sad to say goodbye to them.  In general they have been a simple small local church and dress code is smart clothes and definitely not all dressed in black as in the old days.  Maybe this is the culture of the Australian psychic, laid back but caring and paying respect.

But that's just clothing. What about the way people treat me when they know I'm trans? My father's death has enabled me to reconnect with a cousin (Cousin A) online. He is respectful. My other cousin (Cousin B) converted to a very conservative religion years ago. I will see both cousins at the funeral, but I wasn't sure what to expect of Cousin B.

Now I'm getting a taste of it. Cousin A has forwarded a message, TO him but ABOUT me, from Cousin B. Cousin B uses my current name instead of my birth name (good for him), but then he uses female pronouns, twice--not a slip, not an accident. I don't plan to give him a crash course in Trans 101 at a funeral, so I will grit my teeth and just deal. However, at the back of my mind is "What do YOU care what other people think?"

The pettiness of Cousin B, thinking he is superior, on one hand is addressing you with your correct name, but on the other hand, using the wrong pronouns, just smacks of hypocrisy.  The stance you took, when listening to this slap in your face when attending your fathers funeral, shows your patience, composure and respect.   Shows the strength of your character and goes to show the depth of ones decency, which is most certainly lacking in Cousin B.

Two small stories that may give people a way for dealing with names and pronouns.  There was a young girl who tended to address me using a female name, this was only a couple times (I loved it), however to keep, what I knew about myself, I turned around and called her by a male name.  This resulted in calling the wrong name to cease, much to my annoyance.

After catching up with my mum and staying with her for the holidays, she addressed me using my previous name.  When I heard it and it must be noted she only ever addressed me once using my old name, I totally ignored her and to put it mildly she was not pleased to say the least.  However what I did, had the desired effect, she never ever addressed me with the wrong name ever again.

So moral of the story if there is one.  Treat others exactly the same way they treat you, 'tit for tat', or 'eye for an eye'.  Not seeing Cousin B ever again is a good way to go as well.

Good question. I haven't seen Cousin B in years; I won't likely see him again. He has no power over any aspect of my life--not my documents or my health care or my job or my home. I don't fret over what he tells his friends; they are not in my life. Yet I'm disappointed and a bit angry. Why DO I care? I'm not sure.

Unfortunately you cannot control what they say about you.  So in a sense it's something you should not worry about.  Being disappointed and a bit angry, just tells us that you have feelings and one is upset when they say nasty things.  That's why you care, nobody likes to hear terrible things about oneself.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

[Rachel]

I am sorry for your loss.

I remember another Arch from long ago on Susan's. 

I do care what other people say (not think). Hopefully, it is something pleasant about something I am wearing. I have not gotten negative looks or comments since I started to express. I had FFS and hair transplants which helped a lot.

I blend in very well. I think the looks and comments made when I first expressed made it extremely important to blend in well and fast. 

As far as cousins, I know how some of them feel. I guess I will find out how I am treated when there mother dies. If there is an issue I will leave. I do not know if they will recognize me. I looked like a Neanderthal before FFS.   

[Arch]

I remember another Arch from long ago on Susan's.

Well, I've been on the site for over a decade and a half, so maybe you are remembering me.

[Colorado Girl]

I think perhaps the reason that we ALL care to some extent and to varying degrees about what others think of us, is that as human beings, it seems to be built into our DNA to seek validation about who we are, and it hurts when others don't see us as we see ourselves - especially when opposing opinions are expressed in an overly negative and / or hateful manner. With that said, it has always irked me when a person feels it's OK to belittle and sit in judgment of others - and use religion to justify their bad behavior. I'm very sorry that you lost your father, and I hope that you're finding peace and peace of mind.

[Mariah]

Tis true, as much as I try to not care what others think I do care to a degree. I try to shake it off when people are not so nice. Hugs
Mariah

[imallie]

I'm pretty sure it was the noted philosophy Steve Harvey (of all people) who said:

"People's opinion of you is none of your business."

WAAY easier said than done, but nice to keep in mind, whenever possible.

So awfully sorry about your father. Speaking from direct experience over the past few years -- it gets better. Slowly, but it gets better. Soon you only start remembering good things and good times, and that's when you know everything will be ok.

Love,
Allie