Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Gina P]

Congratulations on getting the ears pierced. Now the collection starts. Studs to start, then comes the dangly ones. You'll need different styles and colors to match your clothes. Then a case to store it all in. Down the slippery slope!

[davina61]

Then its the necklace and bracelets !!!!

[Paulie]

Well, the FFS date draws near, so I did the logical thing: I got my ears pierced! Finally. I was going to get simple silver buttons - something no one would notice - but the sparkly stones in the display case called out to me, so I got purple diamonds (fake ones).

❤️

[Courtney G]

Thanks, ladies!

Four years of HRT today! Woot! I can't believe I did this! But here I am, with a nice body, fresh piecings, soft skin, a growing assortment of women's clothes and underclothes, gems in my pierced ears, and facial feminization surgery just over 2 months away. But also a sense of self that has drastically improved.

I never would have believed you if you'd told me this was possible 6 years ago. I never would have believed I'd be willing to take the first step, to come out to myself, to my partner. To connect a clinic (Plume) regarding starting HRT (thank goodness for informed consent!)

I was reviewing the surgeon's preliminary FFS plan last night. Round one will be 4 hours of surgery and will include:
Scalp advancement and "rotation"
Browlift
Forehead shave with orbital rim reduction
Chin and mandible reduction

The follow-up will involve a facelift and fat grafting, as well as a redo of my nose.

I'm glad he's proposing this in two separate phases. I'd rather go twice than have a long recovery period.

[Gina P]

2 months will go by fast. Wishing you all the best.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Congratulations getting your ears pierced. It's such a rewarding step, especially when you push your hair back to show them off!

Time is flying by now. And amazing it's only a couple of months away now.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Congrats on your fourth anniversary! Getting your ears pierced is the perfect gift. I got mine pierced on my first birthday after I started HRT.

Big changes are coming your way. I'm glad you got your surgery date and can move forward. You have been looking forward to this for a long time.

[Jenn104]

I'm glad he's proposing this in two separate phases. I'd rather go twice than have a long recovery period.

You also have the option to not continue or find a different surgeon. While there is an overhead cost to multiple surgeries (i.e. you pay the anesthesiologist for each surgery),  you gain a measure of control by working in phases. Remember, you should be the driver of what you want done as well as have your ascetic respected.

~Jenn

[Pema]

Congratulations, Courtney. I hope the FFS goes as smoothly as have other aspects of your journey.

[ChrissyRyan]

Happy new year Courtney!


Chrissy

[Courtney G]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and well-wishing.

I want to share a feeling I've had for the past few days. Something inside of me has changed and I'm not sure why, but the following things have recently occurred:
1. 4 years on HRT
2. I've sized up from a 36C to 36D bra
3. A good friend is recovering from FFS and she's been transformed by it
4. I booked FFS
5. I started watching the series "Veneno" on HBO Max.

I've felt more like a woman over the past few days than ever before. I've daydreamed about wearing a cute top or makeup, and of being seen/recognized as a woman. I've felt softer and calmer. I've had waves of euphoria over my new earrings, my body and my upcoming facial feminization surgery.

While my new earrings definitely awakened something in me, believe it or not, #5 on that list played no small part. Venemo is a biographical drama, set in Spain, with overdubbed english on HBO Max. The first episode is a little cringy, but sets the stage for some powerful stuff, with a mostly-trans set of characters, played by trans actors!

One of the main characters goes through a transformation and it's hitting me really, really hard...in a good way. I highly recommend the series - just make sure to be patient while watching that first episode.

Veneno might have little to do with this, but I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be able to more fully own my identity going forward. I'm really, really hoping FFS helps with this.

Happy New Year, everyone.

[Courtney G]

Just a quick check-in.

The days tick by in the countdown to FFS. I'm starting to worry that something will go wrong, like the insurance company won't approve the procedure. But I want this so badly.

In the meantime, I'm fighting with insurance over unpaid electrolysis receipts, having to jump through hoops and send in the same receipts 3 times. I think they think they're going to wear me down, that I'll give up. Not gonna happen. I have appointments every week and about $1500 in unpaid claims.

Not sure how long of a break I need to take during my FFS recovery period but I'll squeeze in a handful of sessions until then. SOOO many gray hairs on my chin and neck. Thankfully, there are very few dark hairs left at this point. I do hate having to let my whiskers grow for these treatments. I've started to leave a small area unshaven and my tech works on that area. My prescription strength numbing cream is a blessing. I highly recommend it.

Also, I love my earrings. A burly contractor who I'd worked with on major stuff on the house this fall came by today. My hair was tied back and my purple gems were sparkling. I was a little nervous at first, then forgot about it. He didn't say anything. I have to learn to not think too much about it.

I feel the need to start working on my voice. I don't have a plan for presenting/coming out, but if I feel I can pass, I'm going to want to start going out as a woman, especially during the warmer months, when my curves will leave no doubt as to what gender I am. Luckily, I'm a former professional musician who's done a lot of singing (mostly high harmonies) and I've always been a mimic/impersonator. But I need to start working on some real training. Just have to do it when my wife isn't around, since she has enough to work through.

[Courtney G]

A little update:

I went out with a group of retired men today in my boy clothes, no makeup, hair tied back, earrings glistening. It was a little scary at first but I soon forgot about them. The world didn't come to an end. But I was reminded of the nature of the group I'm associating with when a new guy mentioned NYC's new major and, after making fun of his name (ignorant), he said "Well, first thing that will happen is there won't be any more white people."

I guffawed extra loud, obnoxiously so, at his comment. I wanted there to be no mistaking my feelings about the stupidity he was spewing.

I think about half the folks in this neighborhood group have the potential to be accepting. But a few bad apples can really spoil the bunch. I just have to keep cultivating good relationships so I have a good percentage of the neighborhood on my side.

In other news, I'm switching to injections tomorrow! I met with my doc yesterday about my blood tests and suggested that I'd like to switch to injectable estradiol as a possible solution for stubbornly low E levels at trough. She was all for it. I'll be injecting estradiol valerate via intramuscular delivery. I'm very excited about it - it feels like a new chapter. Let's see how things look after my next blood test in three months...

[Dances With Trees]

The world didn't come to an end.

That's always good news, Courtney! Bad apples come in all colors, but White does seem to be the most common shade of boorishness. Shouting him down with laughter was pure genius. Hope the injections remedy the E troughs.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Good job, Courtney!

Bigots think they are cool until someone ridicules them. You did it with class.

Congrats on moving to injectables. They certainly helped me get past four years of low E. I do mine sub-Q, not IM, but I know other members who inject IM, and it works for them too.

Good luck!

[Courtney G]

Congrats on moving to injectables. They certainly helped me get past four years of low E. I do mine sub-Q, not IM, but I know other members who inject IM, and it works for them too.

Thanks!

The way I've been feeling since my first injection on Friday strongly suggests that levels are different than they've been on patches. I'm going to create a separate thread, but I'll share here what I've experienced, in case anyone has any feedback they'd like to share:

I often had a subpar night's sleep on the night I applied my new patches. Occasionally, it was two nights. Since I injected on Friday, each of the five nights since then have been the same: feeling warm all night, waking up several times during the night, recalling my dreams, which seemed more vivid. In addition, my breasts seem more full and sensitive.

I googled "sleep estrogen levels" or similar and here's what came up:

"The combination of warmer body temperature and reduced estrogen levels during the luteal phase can leave you with fragmented sleep. This reduces sleep quality and leads to more frequent awakenings—especially during the REM phase. Since you're waking up more often during dreams, you're likely to remember them vividly"

The luteal phase occurs in women prior to their period and is a time of higher estrogen levels. Basically, I'm PMSing and my body is "preparing for pregnancy." Wild.

The "warmth" is definitely something I can feel. Not a hot flash, but an overall feeling of being warm.

So it seems that my E levels might be higher and be sustained at a higher level than previously on patches. I won't know until my next blood test, which will be several months away.

Regarding upcoming surgery:

I'd had a CT scan of my head in late December after Christmas, as the surgeon requested it in order to determine the amount of contouring required. Well, I heard from the surgeon's office the other day and it turns out that the imaging place changed the order and didn't include my jaw in the scan! So I had to call and complain and get them to squeeze in another appointment (for tomorrow), then I have to get the CD of the image sent off to the surgeon ASAP. This is a bit of a drag.

In addition, the insurance is claiming the the chin contouring isn't covered under my plan but the surgeon's office is trying to petition them as covering as necessary due to my diagnosis and the resulting medical need.

7 weeks until my surgery date and there's no shortage of stress.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Keep in mind that your body is readjusting to the new dosage. For me, it wasn't warmth but a mild headache the evening after injecting. Sometimes it would last into the next day. Over time, that went away, and I don't get the headaches anymore.

I hope the surgeon can get that covered for you. I absolutely hate insurance companies that think they know better than a medical professional. If the doctor says it is necessary cover it and butt out. That's why we pay insurance premiums.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

That's interesting to hear about estrogen levels and sleep. I might try and keep notes as sometimes struggle to sleep and I have a lower E dose in the evening.

Sounds like hassle regarding the scan so hope you get that sorted soon. Funnily enough I'm having a scan tomorrow so my surgeon can see my brow bone and prepare for how much it will need taking down. I decided to get the scan myself though as don't want anything to chance with how much it's costing me!

I hope you get your scan sorted soon though. It's about 7 weeks for me too add a couple of days.

[Dances With Trees]

Warm thoughts and big hugs, Courtney and Charlotte! Seven weeks and counting. I can only imagine the anticipation.

[Courtney G]

Warning: this update is going to be a dark one

FFS is less than seven weeks away, and I'm processing many feelings right now. I had an appointment at the dentist the morning of my CT scan re-do and it turned out to be a lousy morning. This dentist is new to me and I'm only using them for an expensive procedure because they accept my insurance (my dentist doesn't). I get there early and fill out all of the forms, only to find out that my dentist forgot to send my x-ray. Had them resend and they spelled the email address incorrectly. Met with the dentist (for another x-ray) and her computer crashed. Meanwhile, all I can think about is getting out of there quickly so I can get to the imaging place in time for my CT scan. I let the dentist know that I had to go and she got angry with me, suggesting I leave more time for an appointment next time. They didn't call me back, didn't provide a quote or treatment plan...nothing.

I need to try to call them and apologize and explain that through the comedy of errors that was occurring, I was most concerned about making it out of there on time because the appointment I had after was for a life-changing procedure. Anyway, the whole thing is still bothering me.

I'm worried about the future. Worried that I won't look female, that passing will remain out of reach. Worried that the hospital will discontinue gender-affirming procedures as many have done or that the insurance will drop coverage for this care. Providers are under attack by the federal government over anything to do with trans people. Trans people are under attack for being trans. I didn't vote for this, yet I'm stuck with it, and it gets worse every day.

In addition, a massively-funded federal "revenge" force has been deployed in cities that hurt the feelings of our country's president, and their agents just executed a lesbian woman whose wife taunted an angry cishet white guy with a gun. Hearing him say "f---ing b---h" after executing her is pretty jarring. Seeing him walk away after her car crashes is upsetting. Denying her medical access while she bleeds out behind the wheel is monstrous. The underlying goal by the people in power (Stephen Miller, specifically) is to incited violent pushback from the populace so he can send in the military and destabilize cities in time to affect the turnout for the midterm elections. Disheartening, to say the least.

The people that support this insanity are the same people who hate trans people, and they are the reason my transition hasn't progressed. It's not because I don't want to; it's because I can't handle the thought of being hated for who I am. More than ever, I'm afraid of seeing a maga at a store somewhere and feeling hated, feeling threatened and unsafe. That's why passing is so important to so many, including me.

So I head into the upcoming weeks full of trepidation. I don't know if all of this will be worth it. I don't know if the outcome will be acceptable. I don't know how I'm going to explain this change to people I know. I fear that moving forward is going to make my life worse, rather than better. I'm worried about money and worry that no one will hire me if I come out publicly and I'm clockable as trans.

The only bright spot in all of this is that I'm full of hope for the outcome switching to injections could bring. I'm found that I have a ravenous appetite since switching. My boobs hurt. This could be the change that pushes the shape of my body to another level. I'm happy about that. No matter what happens, I don't ever want to run on testosterone again.