Big update, way overdue. I've felt some waves of dysphoria and had some down days. Luckily, I still function OK and I bounce back. I have so many topics to cover; I think I'll put them under headings for easier organization...
Facebook account
I finally created a Facebook account under my chosen identity. Took me long enough. I'm often concerned that Facebook will recommend me to existing friends, as it's doing that to me. But my resolve to resist this process weakens a little every day. I like being able to post a photo of myself with makeup on and stuff.
Deadname
The more I change my name in places, the more annoying it is to be deadnamed. This is much more of an issue at the pharmacy, where I've changed my name on the app but the scripts have my deadname and the techs always seem to say it extra loud when I'm there in girlmode.
I've changed it in fast food apps, my various health care providers (they're usually the most accommodating) and a few other places. I'm sort of considering a legal name change but I'm not quite sure that I want to use Courtney. On the other hand, it turns out that it's occasionally used as a male name, so my stress around changing it is pretty low.
Dentist
I went to my new dentist recently (only a few visits for cleanings since we moved to this area) and he didn't seem to understand what facial feminization surgery was and why I might need it, despite knowing about the medications I'm on. I got a little frustrated and showed him a photo of me in girlmode. Well, he was stunned. He complimented me, then complimented me again. It was a little creepy. I enjoyed the feeling of power but it was mixed with a little disgust. This is something new and I'm going to have to learn to navigate it.
FFS, Round 2
The surgeon's office called last week, as they were able to move my FFS appointment up a couple of weeks. It's scheduled for late September, only a handful of weeks away. I find myself feeling a mix of fear and excitement? What will my face look like? Will I pass better? Will I look like a woman? It seems that fuller lips will be hard to ignore, especially for the first bunch of weeks when the swelling exaggerates their size. What will people I know think? I'm afraid but I can't wait for it to be done.
Excitement/fear
Low T?
I've felt an ongoing sense of malaise, like I really don't want to do anything. I still do all sorts of things, from my daily work to housekeeping to changing the oil on our cars, but I'd rather sit around and read or nap (which isn't something I'm good at).
My testosterone was super low as of the last test (12 ng/dL) and I can't help but wonder if maybe it's too low. Most trans women want it as low as possible but normal levels for cis women are from 15-70 ng/dL so it's possible I'm suffering from low T. Feels counterintuitive to want/need higher T, though. I have labs coming up in a few weeks, so I'm going to discuss dropping spiro with my doc once we see what the numbers look like. Weird.
Orchiectomy
I'm still pining for an orchie. I'd love to have my clothes fit better, not worry about suppressing T and just enjoy the general feelings and sensations associated with having those orbs gone. It's something I hope to do early next year.
Hematologist
Some of you might recall that I started a prophylactic dose of a blood thinner in order to minimize the chances of a blood clot. I have a follow-up appointment and labs with the doc very soon and I'm hoping/praying that everything is ok and that I can stay on estradiol injections
Electrology school
I've completed the required 250 hours of home/online study, so I'm ready to prepare for/take the final exam at the school Assuming I pass, I'll start the grueling commute to the school. It stinks because it's a 4 hours round trip drive twice a week to put in 5 hours of classroom time. Unless I'm able to take short lunch breaks and extend my time there somehow, I'm afraid it's going to take nearly a year for me to get my license. In the meantime, I started working on my business plan and the draft is looking really good.
Mammogram billing issue
I'm STILL fighting to get my January mammogram properly covered by insurance. Incompetence abounds.
Electrolysis billing
My medical insurance is supposed to cover my weekly electro visits but they haven't paid a claim since March. I have an advocate that is trying to clear the issue up. He (a trans man) says they're seeing a lot of this - the insurance company finds a new roadblock to throw up. I won't give up. And the advocate is a super good guy
Exposed in my neighborhood! (almost)
Last week, I mentioned to my wife the fact that shorts I'd ordered had arrived and were in the mailbox on the far end of our neighborhood. I was wearing a tank top, very revealing of my shape. She dared me to walk to the mailbox. Through the whole neighborhood.
Me: "what am I going to tell the neighbors?"
Her: "why do you have to tell them anything?"
This is interesting, powerful, and a good sign. She's less concerned about my coming out than I am. This is a strong sign of progress - of her acceptance of our reality. For the record, I chickened out; I didn't do it. But I almost did.
