Rachel Montgomery Wandering in the Wilderness

[REM.1126]

My name is Rachel Elizabeth Montgomery.  Some of you already know me from before the crash.  I hope new members will find me.

Unlike many people here, I have not transitioned and probably won't.  I will if circumstances permit, without too much loss.  But, that is unlikely to happen.

I live in Alabama, a very conservative place.  I come from a conservative, religiously observant family.  To say I am already the Black Sheep would be putting it mildly.  My father passed away last year and had disowned me.  My sisters will only speak to me when I ask them a direct question.

My wife knows I am transgender, and has known for nearly 20 years.  She doesn't want me to transition, unless I simply must.  In that event, she says she would divorce me and we would be good friends.  I believe her on the divorce part, but I am afraid she would resent the woman that took her husband from her too much to be close friends with her. 

There is a lot more to say, but I don't guess that it all has to be said right now.  Happy 2024.

[EllenW]

Rachel,

Happy to see that you have a new logon. I hve enjoyed your insights.

Ellen

[CaelaNotKayla]

Welcome back Rachel!

Hugs!!

Caela

[D'Amalie]

I was planning to write, "Try living in Utah!"  Then I realized at least we have Salt Lake City, somewhat progressive in spite of the state's history and current majority religion of the citizens.  I'm guessing you'd have to move out of state to find a city...then again where do you find such if it means breaking your family apart further?  Argh!

You are truly between a rock and a hard place.  Losing one's family is heart breaking.

[TXSara]

Hi Rachel!  Glad to see you're back as well!

I guess we'll all be newbies (again) together!

~Sara

[Jessica_Rose]

Welcome back Rachel! I think I understand what it's like living in Alabama, I'm in Arkansas. I hope you find a way to balance your relationship with your family and the dysphoria you probably experience from time to time. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. I wish you all the best.

Love always -- Jess

[REM.1126]

I have been having difficulty lately.  I don't really feel in touch with my feelings right now.  When I start struggling, I tend to withdraw from others and repress what is bothering me.  This simultaneously seems to enable me to continue to function somewhat normal in daily tasks like work, but it often results in me becoming progressively more irritable.

Irritability often precedes exhaustion, which manifests as depression.  I have been quite irritable lately.  I am starting to get depressed. 

I think I said it above, but I think the real trigger this time isn't GD, but my dog being ill.  He is very important to me, because sometimes I feel like he is the only being on earth that truly loves me and truly doesn't care if I am trans.  Losing him is going to be extremely painful. 

He is getting sicker.  Losing weight.  Often has no appetite, and sometimes throws up what we can get him to eat.  He keeps looking at me with sad eyes, which I imagine are communicating: "I feel really bad.  Help me.  You're smart.  You've always made me better.  Help me." 

I can't help him.  His doctors can't help him.  Oncologist at the University can't help him.  He doesn't have long.  And, it breaks my heart. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@REM.1126
Dear Rachel Montgomery:
I am so glad to see that you were able to get back here on the Forum...
Since the "big reset" and crash, I have been eagerly looking for our previous
members as they return.

Some of the rules and Terms Of Service on the site have been updated so I am giving
out the informative LINKS below to all of our returning and new members. 
Please read the information in the Links carefully.

I am eagerly looking forward to reading your Blog thread as you share your
thoughts and comments.

HUGS,
Danielle  northernstargirl@susans.org

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Jessica_K]

Welcome back Rachael. Ones dog is more than an animal, it's an unquestioning friend that loves unconditionally   To lose such a friend will be devastating. So I send you love.

I thought my life was difficult but to not transition for ones marriage is something I could not do. I recognise all your symptoms, a state lived for years but we all do what's best.

I would love to say I hope your dog gets better, but instead I hope you have a little more time together.

Hugs
Jessica xxx
 

[Jenn104]

Hello Rachel!

I am so sorry for the delay in a proper welcome back. I - as perhaps many others might be - was puzzled who "REM" was in a previous "susan's life". Doh! Rachel M!

Welcome Back! So happy to see you here again.

~Jenn

[Jessica_Rose]

Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear about your canine companion. We lost our companion of 14 years in mid-November 2022. I understand how heartbreaking it can be. They are so much more than simply a pet, they are family. I know you'll be spending extra time with him. Hugs...

Love always -- Jess

[EllenW]

I think I said it above, but I think the real trigger this time isn't GD, but my dog being ill.  He is very important to me, because sometimes I feel like he is the only being on earth that truly loves me and truly doesn't care if I am trans.  Losing him is going to be extremely painful. 

He is getting sicker.  Losing weight.  Often has no appetite, and sometimes throws up what we can get him to eat.  He keeps looking at me with sad eyes, which I imagine are communicating: "I feel really bad.  Help me.  You're smart.  You've always made me better.  Help me." 

I can't help him.  His doctors can't help him.  Oncologist at the University can't help him.  He doesn't have long.  And, it breaks my heart. 

Rachel,
I am so sorry to hear about you beloved dog. My thoughts and prayers are for you and him

Hugs
Ellen

[Courtney G]

Hi, Rachel, and congrats on getting this new blog underway. So sorry about your dog. That's sort of my line of work and even though I deal with it every day, I feel it very deeply. No one can give that unconditional love like a loving pet. Just know that he's been so lucky to have you - he thinks the world of you and what we see as a short life has, for him, been a rich, long, wonderful one in your loving home.

[TXSara]

He is getting sicker.  Losing weight.  Often has no appetite, and sometimes throws up what we can get him to eat.  He keeps looking at me with sad eyes, which I imagine are communicating: "I feel really bad.  Help me.  You're smart.  You've always made me better.  Help me." 

I can't help him.  His doctors can't help him.  Oncologist at the University can't help him.  He doesn't have long.  And, it breaks my heart. 

I'm so sorry, Rachel.  Dogs seem to always know how to cheer you up when you're down.  Mine can sense when I'm about to get emotional, and he comes and snuggles up with me.  I totally understand what you're going through.

~Sara

[Courtney G]

I LOVE your new profile pic, Rachel!

[REM.1126]

I LOVE your new profile pic, Rachel!

Thank you.  As always, that is a filter.  I don't want anyone who knows me discovering my pics online and saying: "OMG, that's _________."  This is a particular concern after an online newspaper in Alabama outted the mayor of a nearby town.  https://www.npr.org/2023/11/07/1210928121/bubba-copeland-alabama-mayor-suicide-cross-dressing-media-ethics

But, I really was wearing a wig that color and style (the real wig isn't quite as long, the filter just made it longer).  And, I was wearing the top and my prosthetic breasts (you can't tell in the photo). 

I took that one at my office in the library.  I like the top.  I wish I had a nice necklace available that day.  But, obviously I wouldn't have chosen that photo if I didn't also like it.

[Allison R]

Hi Rachel! I hope you did OK thru the storms yesterday! I saw some horrific tornado damage from Alabama and I hope you didn't have any in your area. We had tropical steam force winds with some 60 MPH gusts. Lost power for about 8 hours but no tornadoes.

I am especially sorry to hear about your fur baby. I know exactly how devastating that is. And as they fade all you want is one more day with them feeling well and being active. It took me awhile before I could make it thru the day without tears, and still today I talk to him like he was here with us still. And yes I still cry for him. I believe he sent the new puppy to us. Specially pawpicked for us. If you ever want someone to listen to your stories of your fur baby I am here. I promise to listen and cry with you. I don't know how you feel about getting another, but it took me awhile before I was ready for sure! And now that we have him I am completely besotted with him. He doesn't make the pain of missing my Mojo go away, but he does give me a way to let some of the love I can't give to Mojo anymore, and he gives me the love and happiness I have missed.

I am thinking about you and sending love your way!

Allison

[REM.1126]

As for storms, they rolled through with doing much damage in my community.  It about to get cold.  Ok, not Danielle sort of cold.  It's like fall weather to her.  But, really cold for here.  Nights in the nightly lows in the teens and twenties; with daily highs in the 30's and 40's.  You know, shorts and T shirt sort of stuff for the Alaska girl.  👧

As for my dog, I had a tear on my cheek when I started to read your post, because he had just come up to me to have his head petted, and I had hugged him and thanked him for being my dog.

[REM.1126]

Wow!  It has been a long time since I updated my blog.

Life is going well.  I love retirement.  I've been staying busy with a number of projects. 

I haven't had any time alone since before Covid to put on my feminine clothing on. My wife doesn't want me to do it at the house, and being retired that's where I am a lot.  I don't really have anywhere else to go and put those clothes on. 

I am thinking of getting rid of most of it.  A lot of it is out of style now anyway.

My coping strategy (which seems to be working reasonably well for me) is to accept and be comfortable knowing I am trans, to focus energy on doing things to help others and make the world a better place, and to try to be the person (in all the ways I can) that I was meant to be. 

I also pray that God will make me the person God wants me to be.  If God wants me to transition, then perhaps that door will open for me. (As many of you know, at the moment that isn't possible for me).

I don't know how that will work for others, but if you cannot transition for whatever reason, it's worth a try.  Maybe a door will open for you.

Wishing all of you the best.

Rachel

[Gina P]

Sorry to hear about the wife problems. It, as you know, can be so freeing to dress in the gender we feel best in. The home should always be our safe space and not having to hide, it just takes so much stress out of our lives. Some nights when I'm feeling blue, I will put on a night gown and watch tv. It helps me and puts my GD at bay. I wish the best for you.