Gina's journey

[Gina P]

Thanks on all the suggestions on the Endo. 
Moving on I have an appointment for voice therapy on Monday. Its an evaluation but This therapist also does voice surgery if it need to be. And the best part he/she is in my insurance network. (there is another story here, for another time). I find this is a huge part of my transition that needs to be fixed right now. I had tried a few months of voice training with another teacher but found little success, though she felt I had mastered it.

On other news my wife and I went to the yearly horse expo yesterday. A wonderful day of talks and shopping. I had many comments on my shirt which used to be my wife's. A sort of denim with horses printed on it. As I was dressing she said, because she is dieting, wouldn't it be neat if when i loose enough weight, we can share clothes. That was a super nice gesture and brought a smile to my face. All day talking to vendors and never once misgendered, except for one slip up by my wife when she said HE, referring to me. I found a nice cowgirl hat to replace the delipidated ones I have been wearing.  A really nice day, now we are both so sore from all the walking and I have to go back to work.
Gina

[Gina P]

  Went on a nice 9.5 mile trail ride with the wife yesterday. Weather was in the 60s, just perfect. Horses were wonderful as always. Had several children and thier parents in the parking lot wanting to pet the horses so I gave them short rides around the parking lot. I'm sure it made thier day. Wherever we go the horses always attract a lot of attention. We went to a local reservoir which is a state park. Surrounded by mountains. It is very rocky and hilly terrain plus there were many trees blown down across the trail, 2 of which I had to cut with my folding saw.
  I have my voice therapy this morning. I have high hopes. This is a big problem for me right now. Many have said it is confusing because physically I look female but then they hear a mans voice!
Gina

[Jenn104]

I have my voice therapy this morning. I have high hopes. This is a big problem for me right now. Many have said it is confusing because physically I look female but then they hear a mans voice!

Good Luck Gina! I loved doing voice therapy, mine was in a hugely affirming environment. I like what I think of as "new voice". My voice isn't perfect and set your expectations fairly.

I can't say this enough-- set aside practice time. I had (actually still have, just less often) an alarm on my phone to remind myself to practice. Then practice a little more.  Practice is dull but the more you practice the more it works.

~Jenn

[Jessica_Rose]

I can't say this enough-- set aside practice time. I had (actually still have, just less often) an alarm on my phone to remind myself to practice. Then practice a little more.  Practice is dull but the more you practice the more it works.

~Jenn

Your voice is an instrument. Voice therapy teaches you how to tune your voice and play different notes. You've been using 'default' settings for decades. As Jenn mentioned, the only way to change the defaults is through practice, practice, and more practice. You may be amazed at what you can do with your voice, but you must have patience... and you must practice.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jenn104]

Your voice is an instrument. Voice therapy teaches you how to tune your voice and play different notes. You've been using 'default' settings for decades. As Jenn mentioned, the only way to change the defaults is through practice, practice, and more practice. You may be amazed at what you can do with your voice, but you must have patience... and you must practice.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

^^^^ Yeah, that. Very well said.

Pro tip-- I used positive reinforcement to get in the habit. I wrote out a list of 'rewards', then tracked daily practice with a "V" on a paper calendar. After 7 days I gave myself a reward. After 15 days another reward. After 30 I let my voice therapist pick one. Nothing big-- walking over to get an ice cream cone was one, a manicure another, I think taking a day off of work to enjoy myself was on the list.

Positive reinforcement works with anything that is tedious btw. A good trick for transition-y things in general.

~Jenn

[Gina P]

Voice therapist called out sick. I'm waiting for him to reschedule. Is this the patience part? 
I did voice training with another person who said I had a very good sounding voice after three months or so of training. She didn't seam to think I needed any more training but said we could work on other things. I could do ok when in her office but when the door shut leaving I always defaulted back to my old voice.
Gina

[LoriDee]

I am still waiting for my first appointment, so have no idea what to expect. From what I understand, (I do the same thing), you are relaxing into your old habit. The more you practice, the more your mind/body will learn what your new "normal" is. Eventually, that will be your default voice that you relax into. I hope that makes sense.

Keep up the good work, it will pay off. I hope for the day when someone tells me that I don't need any training. 

Hugs!

[Gina P]

I am still waiting for my first appointment, so have no idea what to expect. From what I understand, (I do the same thing), you are relaxing into your old habit. The more you practice, the more your mind/body will learn what your new "normal" is. Eventually, that will be your default voice that you relax into. I hope that makes sense.

I was told to practice 3 times a day. I never could find the time to do more than once a day, for about 15min. I'm sure that didn't help. The first voice therapist had me do crazy things like blow thru a straw in water and hum at the same time?? Put a pencil in my mouth and talk trying not to use my tongue.? Any way I became discouraged after 3 months of training and $1200 spent.
The new speech therapist rescheduled for 3 weeks from now.
Gina

[Maid Marion]

Now that I'm retired I can sometimes practice my golf swing several times a day!
It really helps for doing non-intuitive swing changes, like hitting the ball before the ground!
A lot of amateurs hit the ground first, and then the ball, which doesn't work as well.

Short practice sessions at frequent intervals has always worked better that fewer practice sessions that are longer.

I have a lot of experinece with this as I had a stroke and had to re-learn a lot of things.
I had professional speech therapy to modulate my voice.

[LoriDee]

@Gina P

I am still waiting for my first appointment, but I learned a lot from a YouTube channel called TransVoice Lessons. She explains the whole "humming through a straw" and other training exercises. Search for her channel if you want to learn the why and the how. I seem to learn better if I understand why I am doing something. Hugs!

[Gina P]

Had my blood work done Tuesday. E = 119 Pg/mL which is down from November of 133
T total = 1.1 pg/mL  which is close to steady from November of 0.9

[Gina P]

Had a really bad encounter with my employee who I always thought of as a friend. He said many hurtful and hatefull things about my transition. I knew I would encounter some people who don't understand what I'm going through but I wasn't expecting it to come from someone so close. He always pretended to be supportive. I guess that is why it bothers me so much. I told him if he wants to work somewhere else I understand, so I'm not sure if he will leave. His work has been sub par lately anyway so it would not be a big loss. More stress to deal with. Seams it never ends.

[davina61]

Let it flow dear, its their problem not yours. If they leave then that's fine just be amicable .

[Maid Marion]

It may not be entirely his fault.  There are "leaders" demonizing gender issues for political gain.

[LoriDee]

Sometimes all we can do is listen to them rant. Then tell them we understand their feelings and the reasons behind them are because they don't understand the subject. {Tactfully telling them to become educated}. My point is, they lash out at us for any number of reasons. We listen and let them rant and demonstrate how ignorant they are. Yes, it hurts. Sometimes a LOT. But step back a moment at look at that interaction from a third-party view. Who was the better person in that exchange?

You win. It is their loss, and as Davina said, it is their problem, not yours.

Hugs!

[Jessica_Rose]

I'm sorry to read about the poor response from your employee. It's difficult to know how someone will react. The first co-worker I came out to, a good friend, later stabbed me in the back. I was sure my dad would never want to see me again, but he welcomed me. I had a few people fade away, and I let them go. Some people just aren't worth the effort.

Love always -- Jess

[ChrissyRyan]

Had a really bad encounter with my employee who I always thought of as a friend. He said many hurtful and hatefull things about my transition. I knew I would encounter some people who don't understand what I'm going through but I wasn't expecting it to come from someone so close. He always pretended to be supportive. I guess that is why it bothers me so much. I told him if he wants to work somewhere else I understand, so I'm not sure if he will leave. His work has been sub par lately anyway so it would not be a big loss. More stress to deal with. Seams it never ends.

That was not nice of him but it apparently was an honest expression of his thoughts.  This at least reveals what his true stance is.  That is good to know.  However this truthful stance of his is unpleasant to know. 

Hugs.

Chrissy

[Gina P]

The employee called me yesterday and apologized. He is going through some medical issues and blamed it on  that. Never the less what's been said has been said and I don't think I will ever be able to confide in him as a friend as before.
  I had my monthly trans meeting last night. 20-30 of us talking, sharing. So much love for each other and what we are going through. I left feeling very emotional. On the way home I almost shed a tear, almost! I could feel it welling up in me then something kicked in and suppressed it. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to cry but many times I get very close.
Gina

[ChrissyRyan]

The employee called me yesterday and apologized. He is going through some medical issues and blamed it on  that. Never the less what's been said has been said and I don't think I will ever be able to confide in him as a friend as before.
  I had my monthly trans meeting last night. 20-30 of us talking, sharing. So much love for each other and what we are going through. I left feeling very emotional. On the way home I almost shed a tear, almost! I could feel it welling up in me then something kicked in and suppressed it. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to cry but many times I get very close.
Gina

I am glad that he apologized.  I can understand why you would not care to confide in him.  Some people are Janus faced (two faced). 

We have it hard enough at times as MTFs to simply be ourselves without facing criticism from the those that simply do not understand.  Some even the think we are weirdos.

I am a bit weird in little ways I suppose but I do NOT think I am weird because I am MTF.  I am just trying to be my true self.  However, I can understand why some people think we are weird for being transgender, as most people are not transgender.  I do not agree with those that disapprove of us good people.

As long as we are decent, respectable people the fact that we are transgender should not matter.  I say it should not matter; but, many in our society as whole apparently seem to disagree, unfortunately. 

Hugs,

Chrissy

[REM.1126]

First of all, Gina, I am very sorry your employee said hurtful things.  I am glad he apologized.  I understand why that doesn't undo what was done.

Secondly, you are missing out.  I don't know why you are unable to cry, but a good cry is sometimes a great release.  And, with the stress of transitioning, you can use all of the emotional relief you can get.