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Marriage Stories and Long-Term Outlook

Started by mmmm1234, August 19, 2024, 01:16:26 PM

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mmmm1234

I'm looking for reports, stories, videos, blogs, personal notes and all other kind of information on the topic of marriage with trans-women. Especially I'm interested in the constellation of western man with an Asian trans-woman.

So far, I've been not so successful in my research. Mainly I came across this forum. But even here the search term "marriage" doesn't bring the results that I'm looking for.

I want to learn about:
- Difficulties in the marriage (especially long-term) and how they did address them.
- Cultural differences.
- Family matters.
- Integration into the new society, language, work.
- The prospect of growing old together.

I'm not interested in:
- Overly romantic displays of married couples without any insight.
- Any of the "usual" problems that straight married couples have to address - there are more than enough resources available.
- Legal issues. Not that this is not important but I'm working on that separately.
- Sex tips.

Any references, links and recommendations are highly appreciated!

Lori Dee

Hi Markus,

Did you check out the Significant Others forum? These would be the kinds of questions to ask there. Many of our members are married and they tell their stories in the Member Blogs forum. But I think you are looking for a perspective from the spouse's side, and that can be found over at the SO forum.

Lori
My Life is Based on a True Story

U.S. Army - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner - Staff Sergeant

2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change / 2024 - Voice Training

mmmm1234

Thanks, will look around there some more.
Sorry if I did post into the wrong section!

Iztaccihuatl

Hi Markus,

Most of the posts here on the topic of marriage and relationships are about one partner coming out and transitioning while in a relationship. If I understand you correctly, your partner has already transitioned and she is living full time as a woman, so much of the discussions here probably won't apply to you.

Since she already transitioned, I don't think you will encounter many issues that cis couples wouldn't. I fact, the only issues I can imagine would be around acceptance by others, like family of friends (yours and hers) not being accepting of her, or if someone unrelated would clock her and then feel entitled to some nasty comments. Be prepared to vigorously defend her in those situations, she'll really appreciate that.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Lori Dee

Quote from: mmmm1234 on August 19, 2024, 02:21:24 PMThanks, will look around there some more.
Sorry if I did post into the wrong section!

It's ok. We will get it moved to the other forum, so you don't need to rewrite it all again. This site is huge and sometimes things get misplaced. It happens.

Lori
My Life is Based on a True Story

U.S. Army - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner - Staff Sergeant

2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change / 2024 - Voice Training

BlueJaye

This seems like something you should be discussing directly with the Asian woman described in your post.

Northern Star Girl

#6
For the information of our members that may wish to post their comments and thoughts
on this topic... here is the quote from Susan our site founder regarding her directives
for the "Significant Others talk" board.

Any questions, please message me.
Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator


Quote from: Susan on May 23, 2005, 11:36:10 PMThis forum is primarily intended as a place Significant others can go to in order to seek support from each other. While I do not block the posting by the transgendered I would ask that as much as possible you respect this as a separate area for them. If they have a question and you can answer it in a neutral manner feel free to respond. This is a place for facts and good information and not for advocacy.
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mmmm1234

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on August 19, 2024, 02:41:25 PMMost of the posts here on the topic of marriage and relationships are about one partner coming out and transitioning while in a relationship. If I understand you correctly, your partner has already transitioned and she is living full time as a woman, so much of the discussions here probably won't apply to you.

Correct, that's what I mostly read here and this is not the case.

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on August 19, 2024, 02:41:25 PMSince she already transitioned, I don't think you will encounter many issues that cis couples wouldn't. I fact, the only issues I can imagine would be around acceptance by others, like family of friends (yours and hers) not being accepting of her, or if someone unrelated would clock her and then feel entitled to some nasty comments. Be prepared to vigorously defend her in those situations, she'll really appreciate that.

Yes, she did a while ago and lives since a long time as a woman.
I believe we can handle the acceptance since we're both strong personalities and know what we want. It's just a question of which people you surround yourself with. And we're both no weirdos, so as long as there's some understanding for alternate forms of life/love, it'll be fine. Still, it would be interesting to hear how other couples handle certain situations.

But I think it's in fact much more complicated than that.

Though we met in Europe she doesn't have a legal right to stay here and had to return home. So one of the major issues I'm working on is to bring her back. But as said, this is another topic.

What we have in mind, beside the marriage, is the sex and name change that is not allowed in her country. This again raises questions: Since she cannot get Austrian citizenship for many years, she has to stay with her original official documents. That means, in her passport is a different first name, last name (due to marriage), different sex and even the photo doesn't really resemble her anymore (she had to stick her hair up) compared to Austrian documents. And the passport cannot be changed. What happens if she has to show official documents?

Next question is about work. What are other people doing? How to get along? Meanwhile in my country there's a list of shortage occupations. So my idea is to find a training for a specific job on that list (takes 1-2 years) and then she can pick up the job. This means, of course, that she speaks the language. We're working on that.

Other questions are medical concerns, probably ongoing hormone therapy, which is hopefully funded by social security. How do couples handle that? What are the approaches? I'm through with the Wikipedia articles and other common resources.

Getting old is another topic. I honestly have no idea how trans-women do with aging, if there are specific concerns. It would be very interesting to hear some first hand stories, and even if it's just about life (together).

I know that my questions are very specific and may not always target pure transgender topics. But it's just a huge pile of challenges that I need to handle here and I don't like to start into an adventure without any preparations. That's why I'm now trying to cover as much information as possible from all directions.






Lori Dee

Quote from: mmmm1234 on August 20, 2024, 04:34:28 PMWhat we have in mind, beside the marriage, is the sex and name change that is not allowed in her country. This again raises questions: Since she cannot get Austrian citizenship for many years, she has to stay with her original official documents. That means, in her passport is a different first name, last name (due to marriage), different sex and even the photo doesn't really resemble her anymore (she had to stick her hair up) compared to Austrian documents. And the passport cannot be changed. What happens if she has to show official documents?

Thank you for sharing! Now we have more information and hopefully, someone will be able to provide more specific answers.

I realize it is not the best situation, but could she present according to her official documents just long enough to immigrate? Then, once in Austria, learn the language, job training, and get a job while working toward citizenship. While all of this is going on for 1 - 2 years, she could see a therapist and be diagnosed with gender dysphoria and then come out as trans. I have no clue if this is possible, I am just throwing out some ideas.

If that is not possible, what about moving to a different country to get the name change and passport done, then moving to Austria with new documents? I know nothing about the EU laws and have heard they can be difficult. But if another country is more lenient, use that as a stepping stone to get where you want to be. Yes, it could still take years, but transition takes years too. It is sad that she would need to essentially start over just to pacify government regulations.

Perhaps you could look into Austria's policies on asylum for LGBTQ people. An approved request for asylum would allow her time in-country to accomplish all of these things while working toward citizenship. That could be an option.

Keep us updated on how it is going. Only share what you are comfortable with. This is a PUBLIC forum that anyone can read and the internet never forgets.

Be safe.

Lori Dee
My Life is Based on a True Story

U.S. Army - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner - Staff Sergeant

2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change / 2024 - Voice Training

mmmm1234

Thanks for the suggestions. It all depends on different authorities: visa application, marriage allowance, name/sex change, immigration, later maybe citizenship. And even though they are supposed to work for you, they always make it look that you're an annoyance in their daily business. However, there should be a way. I just need to figure it out. Basically I think what you wrote in the first paragraph is the rough plan anyway.
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mmmm1234

I've been working the last days to gather all needed information on required documents. It's a big list but I think I compiled everything.

It will be tedious for her to collect all the documents as some sort of digital governance does not exist in her country. That means some traveling around to collect everything.

I can only recommend such a process if you're really in love. It's a lot of work and costs a lot of time and money...!
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    The following users thanked this post: Lori Dee

Lori Dee

Quote from: mmmm1234 on August 30, 2024, 09:19:32 AMI've been working the last days to gather all needed information on required documents. It's a big list but I think I compiled everything.

It will be tedious for her to collect all the documents as some sort of digital governance does not exist in her country. That means some traveling around to collect everything.

I can only recommend such a process if you're really in love. It's a lot of work and costs a lot of time and money...!

It's a Labor of Love and a worthwhile investment in your future.

Good luck!
My Life is Based on a True Story

U.S. Army - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner - Staff Sergeant

2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change / 2024 - Voice Training
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