My life-long journey

[Lori Dee ✅]

Another beautiful picture, Whisper. Thank you for sharing your beauty and thoughts!

[Lilis]

Hey, Lilis. By the way, remember when we talked about the shadow side of personality that every person has?

Hii CaringWhisper,

Yes, and I haven't forgotten. Recently, life has been a little busy, getting my Son ready to go back to school, some birthdays celebrations a funeral and so on.....

But even though I haven't had the chance to sit down and respond. I will jump on it when opportunity arises.

Have you ever wondered why people want to appear so perfect? It's a utopia. People don't believe in perfection because even without knowing anything about psychology, they intuitively understand that it's a lie, that it's not a real personality. Everyone tries to deceive their friends, everyone knows that they know about deception, but they still put on the masks of perfect and proper puritans. I don't understand people like that.

Yeah, I get what you mean, it really can feel fake when people act like they're spotless saints.

I'll admit, I've been guilty of that at certain points in my life. It wasn't so much that I believed my own mask, but more that I was afraid of being seen as messy or flawed.

Vulnerability is hard, and pretending to be "perfect" felt safer, even though deep down I knew the mask I was wearing wasn't real.

Because of that lived experience, I can understand why some people still pretend there's nothing wrong in their lives.

These days, especially as I've been learning and practicing authenticity through my transition, I'd much rather sit with someone's real shadows than their polished mask of purity.

So, I agree with your points at least then, we truly know who we're with.

Oh, I agree with Lori, you are shining in the pictures you've shared, and I love your makeup![/quote]



~ Lilis 🌷🦇

[CaringWhisper]

Another beautiful picture, Whisper. Thank you for sharing your beauty and thoughts!

Oh, I agree with Lori, you are shining in the pictures you've shared, and I love your makeup!
~ Lilis 🌷🦇

It's funny, some people think my makeup is peasant.

I'll admit, I've been guilty of that at certain points in my life. It wasn't so much that I believed my own mask, but more that I was afraid of being seen as messy or flawed.
~ Lilis 🌷🦇

You answered my question. You was afraid. The desire to look perfect is a defense mechanism, a camouflage from the predatory nature of humans who seek out vulnerabilities, so you feel more at ease. There is no need to apologize or feel guilty, it is normal.

Cowardice, especially extreme cowardice, is a great gift. The more you are afraid, the more phobias you have, the greater your potential. The source of these monsters in your basement is you yourself. And if you can create a monster that paralyzes you with fear, the greater your magnificence. That is why the greatest people in human history are the sickest and most cowardly people in the world, suffering from a multitude of phobias and deviations. Imagine Lovecraft waking up in terror on dark nights in a cold sweat. His phobias are a great gift and a great burden. I don't think anyone will ever be able to eclipse his talent. If I hadn't understood this, I wouldn't have been able to survive and influence people the way I do now. Welcome to the exclusive club if you can feel it too. Always look for ways into burrows, catacombs, and labyrinths where the darkness is soft as a feather bed and the world is invisible. I'll be there too.

I mentioned that I did not want to be strong, and Lori Dee's comment about genetics not influencing human behavior in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - I disagreed with that. And now another thought came to my mind - some of us don't feel fear, you can open a video of extreme climbers standing without holding on to the top of the tallest television tower in the US, just watching this video fills me with fear. Nature has made us different. People with a dulled sense of fear are soldiers, like ants. The task of the fearless is to explore new territories. If there were no such people among us, we would never have discovered America, but if there were too many of them, humanity would simply die out. Someone has to be afraid and raise their offspring at home, unwilling to leave their native places. Nostalgia for one's native home is also a defense mechanism created by nature or someone supreme.

Recently, a tragedy unfolded: climber Natalya Nagovitsyna broke her leg and was left on the top of Mount Pobeda. During the rescue attempt by Nagovitsyna, an MI-8 helicopter crashed, all rescuers were heavy injured, climbers Luca and Gunter died, another rescuer Bair Batuiev from Buryatia suffered a spinal injury and is in the hospital. Please don't tell me that if she had succeeded, she wouldn't have taken lots of photos and videos and posted them on Instagram with a pretentious comment containing meaning: -"Look how strong I am, be jealous". She wanted to do it not for herself, but for others, and she dragged those others down with her. Ten hours ago, Natalia died, officially. I feel sorry for people who are devoid of fear, they are necessary and fulfill a certain function, but nevertheless, they are locked within certain boundaries. In this case, genetics influence a person, but in any case, genetics can be overcome, even if it requires enormous mental effort. Don't try to get rid of your fears, embrace these monsters. You need them, and they need you.

[Lilis]

It's funny, some people think my makeup is peasant.

I'm still trying to get the hang of it, so yeah from an untrained eye it looks great. 

You answered my question. You was afraid. The desire to look perfect is a defense mechanism, a camouflage from the predatory nature of humans who seek out vulnerabilities, so you feel more at ease. There is no need to apologize or feel guilty, it is normal.

Cowardice, especially extreme cowardice, is a great gift. The more you are afraid, the more phobias you have, the greater your potential. The source of these monsters in your basement is you yourself. And if you can create a monster that paralyzes you with fear, the greater your magnificence. That is why the greatest people in human history are the sickest and most cowardly people in the world, suffering from a multitude of phobias and deviations. Imagine Lovecraft waking up in terror on dark nights in a cold sweat. His phobias are a great gift and a great burden. I don't think anyone will ever be able to eclipse his talent. If I hadn't understood this, I wouldn't have been able to survive and influence people the way I do now. Welcome to the exclusive club if you can feel it too. Always look for ways into burrows, catacombs, and labyrinths where the darkness is soft as a feather bed and the world is invisible. I'll be there too.

CaringWhisper, I hear you, you've given me a perspective that sees fear and phobia as a strange kind of gift, a doorway into creativity, depth, and even influence.

I respect that, and I can see how people like Lovecraft or other deeply sensitive souls channeled their fears into something powerful.

For me, though, I see fear a little differently.

I don't think of cowardice as a gift in itself, but as a signal, something that reveals where I am most vulnerable, and where I also have the most potential for growth.

I don't necessarily want to dwell forever in the 'labyrinth' of fear, even if it has its own richness; instead, I want to move through it, and hopefully transform it into courage, connection, or love.

So while I can meet you in that awareness of how deep fear can shape a person, I hold onto the hope that it isn't only the sickest or most haunted who can create something meaningful.

To me, courage isn't the absence of fear but the act of stepping forward even when fear is present.


~ Lilis 🌷 🦇

[CaringWhisper]

I don't think of cowardice as a gift in itself, but as a signal, something that reveals where I am most vulnerable, and where I also have the most potential for growth.

I don't necessarily want to dwell forever in the 'labyrinth' of fear, even if it has its own richness; instead, I want to move through it, and hopefully transform it into courage, connection, or love.

So while I can meet you in that awareness of how deep fear can shape a person, I hold onto the hope that it isn't only the sickest or most haunted who can create something meaningful.

To me, courage isn't the absence of fear but the act of stepping forward even when fear is present.

Fears are a protective reaction of your mind. By trying to overcome your feelings of fear, to suppress them, you are fighting against yourself. If you are familiar with the work of Edgar Albert Guest, in one of his poems he correctly noted that courage is not some fleeting emotion. Under the influence of adrenaline, it is very easy to be brave and shout something grandiose. This is how all wars began. Courage is a constant quality on an everyday level, when you are constantly in the same state all the time. Every time you try to overcome your fear, you suffer, and I don't think you want to suffer every day, every hour, every minute. What I want to say is: don't suffer. My path is to embrace my fears and integrate my shortcomings, deviations, and secret desires into my persona, forming a healthy and complete personality, not a mask which rejects everything for the sake of a beautiful picture of courage. Live in harmony with yourself, find the entrance to your labyrinth of fear, and fall asleep there like a child on mother's chest.

We all love charismatic movie antagonists. Don't tell me you've never loved negative characters who had certain principles and a certain outlook on life, their own, albeit dark, sense of justice. Love for antagonists is love for yourself, monsters in your basement.

You will never defeat the fear of death. You may feel victorious over this fear in moments of bravery, but after a while, it will resurface, you will not be able to maintain victory over it for your entire life. This is an example of how courage in certain cases is just another lie. Just embrace the fear, and suffering will be replaced by pleasant melancholy. The same goes for the fear of old age, when the body crumbles like sand.

[Lilis]

Thanks Caringwhisper 💕

For me, light and shadow are both teachers, but I'm drawn to transformation through facing fear, rather than resting in it.

While I respect your embrace of labyrinths and softness in darkness, my own heart leans toward walking through those tunnels until I find an opening where fear is reshaped into freedom.

I think maybe both of our views can coexist, each revealing a different kind of truth. 🙂


~ Lilis 🌷🦇

[CaringWhisper]

I think maybe both of our views can coexist, each revealing a different kind of truth. 🙂

Maybe. Never try to placate me, Lilis. No one is obligated to be kind to me or agree with everything I say. My life has made me bitter, and even if I don't mean to be rude to anyone, I do it unconsciously. My position sometimes sounds unpopular, harsh, and abrupt. I sincerely do not wish ill on my allies. You all supported me when I was down, and I am immensely grateful to you. I am simply not interested in talking to people who always agree and nod along. People should always have their own views on things, even if they are on the same side of the fence. I wanted to invite you to play this game. Don't be afraid to disagree with me. My true nature is such that I can stab you in the stomach with a knife while smiling and giving you a bouquet of flowers with my other hand. Everyone survives as best they can. The little girl on the photo will grow up to be a she-wolf, and her enemies will regret crossing her path.

BTW, If you haven't read Abercrombie's First Law trilogy, I recommend it, it's the best dark fantasy I've read.

And yes, thank you so much for visiting my blog.

[Lilis]

I am simply not interested in talking to people who always agree and nod along. People should always have their own views on things, even if they are on the same side of the fence. I wanted to invite you to play this game. Don't be afraid to disagree with me.

That is exactly what I have done.

Anyhow, I'll leave it at that, it's okay to agree to disagree.


Good luck in your journey.


~ Lilis 🌷🦇

[Sephirah]

I don't want to be "strong," I don't want to be called a "strong woman." Strength can only be understood in comparison to weakness. A strong person either physically or morally defeats another weak person, or is capable of an act that many are not capable of. Thus, by trying to become strong, we prove something to someone else, which means we live not for ourselves but for others.

I don't agree with this, Whisper, and I'll try to explain why. You are right in a way that strength and weakness are two sides of the same coin. But it isn't about other people. It isn't about other people at all. It's about yourself. Because we have the capacity to be at both extremes, or somewhere in the middle. Everyone in their lives has times where they feel weak. Where they feel inadequate. Where they feel that they don't deserve something, or can't do something, or even should not be around to be a burden to the world.

This weakness leads to self-hate. Self-loathing. And a cycle that spirals forever downwards. You think you're weak, so you don't try, so you think you're weaker. And you try even less. You look for ways out. Ways to escape. Ways to forget it all for however brief a time... until one day, you just give up. It has nothing to do with other people. Everyone else has their own issues and it's all relative. It only has to do with where you are, where you were, and where you want to be.

I know you, Whisper. And when I call you strong it has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with knowing what you've been through, how you feel about a lot of things, and what you've done in your life. When the weakest, easiest answer to everything is to just give up and let it all end. When you blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't your fault. When you see things you could have, or should have done differently and wonder why you even keep going.

I tried to take that easy way out, repeatedly. To just close my eyes and let it all end. But... for whatever reason... I am still here. And since that time, when I was weak... and hated myself, blamed myself, tried to destroy myself... I got stronger. And you did, too. I am stronger now. And I am proud of that. Because I know what I was, and I am not that anymore. You are stronger now, because you are not what you were, either. And you've given that strength to your little girl. Weakness isn't seen in others unless you have something wrong with you that causes you to look for it. Weakness is only seen within yourself. And therein you have two choices. Succumb to it, or change it.

You did the latter. I did the latter. We are both strong. And I will never stop thinking that even if you don't think that about yourself. It doesn't need to be shown off, it doesn't need to be spoke about... sometimes just getting through the day is a sign. But it's a sign nonetheless, and is there for others to see even when we don't.

*hugs*

You will never stop being strong in my eyes, because I know what you've overcome and what demons haunt you, in order to get there. Other people have their own lives. This is about the individual. Strength is personal first, interpersonal second, okay? And just knowing that can sometimes make things easier. Strength isn't something people have by just exercising their physical muscles... it's their psychological ones, too. It's the same thing, in a different way. You don't take anything away from anyone, you give things to yourself that you deserve for the effort you put in.

[CaringWhisper]

This week has been just awful. It all started when Windows on my computer crashed. I tried to download the official image, but I couldn't. Microsoft prohibits downloading their product from my location, and I don't blame them. It's understandable, it's a commercial product, and if they can't make money in my country because of sanctions, they have the right to prohibit me from downloading it. I couldn't even download it using a VPN, since VPN IP addresses have long been known to the corps. I went to install Linux, and that's when I got a surprise. Cisco blocked libopenh264 for my country. This means that I can't update for the first time, I can't even install a firewalld, it's also means that I can't to install even a program via Flatpak from the store. Linux is no longer free and accessible to everyone.

On top of that, September 1st rolled around, which meant school for my daughter and a heated conversation with her homeroom teacher. Basically, the whole week was spent running around dealing with my daughter's new school, trying to install OS on my computer, and working on a money-making business. I didn't even have time to think and reflect. I'll respond to everyone, but later. I just don't have the energy right now.

I learned something about training cats. When a kitten plays with your hand, you can't pull it away, otherwise the kitten's hunting instinct will be awakened, as your hand behaves like potential prey. The kitten will grow up and pounce on your feet. Therefore, remain calm and do not let predators know that you are prey.

[Sephirah]

*gives you a big hug*

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi CaringWhisper

I noticed the problems with you in regards to installing a Linux OS.  I'm a long time user of Fedora and the following thoughts on your issues.

Community Linux downloads are generally possible in Russia with or without a VPN, but success can depend on whether a particular site or mirror is blocked inside Russia and paid enterprise products are restricted due to sanctions and vendor exits.  Use official mirrors or torrents, verify files, and be mindful of Russia's 2025 rules about accessing prohibited content with a VPN.
 
What is actually blocked
Cisco's OpenH264 download host is geo-blocked for some countries including Russia. Fedora's "fedora-cisco-openh264" repo pulls its H.264 binaries from that host, so on Fedora the repo can fail or stall in those regions. discussion.fedoraproject.org+2docs.fedoraproject.org+2
Russia has tightened internet controls which can also affect CDNs that many projects use. That makes some mirrors or app stores flaky inside Russia.

What this means
OpenH264 is only a video codec. It is not required for system updates, Flatpak itself, or firewalld. Repo timeouts from that Cisco source can make updates look broken, but the fix is to disable that one repo then update normally.

Firewalld is a separate Fedora package. packages.fedoraproject.org

Quick fixes on Fedora when Cisco's repo is blocked.
1.  Disable the Cisco OpenH264 repos, clear metadata, then update

Code Select Expand

sudo dnf config-manager --set-disabled fedora-cisco-openh264 updates-cisco-openh264
sudo dnf clean all
sudo dnf upgrade

For Fedora 41 with dnf5

Code Select Expand

sudo dnf5 config-manager --set-disabled fedora-cisco-openh264 updates-cisco-openh264
sudo dnf5 clean dbcache
sudo dnf5 upgrade

This stops DNF from hanging on the unreachable host. Fedora's own repos will update fine. Fedora docs explain that the Cisco repo exists only to deliver the codec from Cisco. docs.fedoraproject.org

2.  Install firewalld after updates finish[/b]

Code Select Expand

sudo dnf install firewalld
sudo systemctl enable --now firewalld
The firewalld package is independent of OpenH264. packages.fedoraproject.org

If you want H.264 later without Cisco's host.  Use RPM Fusion to get codec stacks that do not rely on Cisco's binaries.  Fedora's docs and RPM Fusion's site show how to enable those repos. docs.fedoraproject.org+1

Flatpak notes when in Russia
Flathub has had Russia-specific access issues. You can switch the remote to an alternate front if dl.flathub.org is slow or blocked.

Code Select Expand

flatpak remote-modify flathub --url=https://front-ams.flathub.org
This workaround comes from Flathub issue threads and can help when the default endpoint is filtered.

Apps that rely on OpenH264 may still try to fetch Cisco's binary at runtime. If that fetch is geo-blocked the app can fail to add H.264.  That is a Cisco host issue, not a Flatpak issue.

Linux itself remains free and accessible.  The roadblock is a single optional codec source plus general Russian network filtering.  Disable the Cisco repo, complete updates, install firewalld, then add codecs from RPM Fusion or use formats that do not need H.264.  This avoids the block and keeps the system fully functional.

I hope this outline helps you to install.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@CaringWhisper

[CaringWhisper]

Hello, everyone. I've been on the forum for over a year. A lot has happened in recent months. One of the events was that drones reached my city, some hot piece of something fell on my roof, there was a lot of smoke, and the unpleasant part was drying the walls after extinguishing the fire. I didn't have a opportunity to write, sorry. The world has changed rapidly, and there are practically no comfortable places left for migrants to live. And that wasn't even the worst news. You can't even imagine how terrible the censorship is in my country. In short, there are VPN protocols that work in China and Iran. Normal traffic differs from encrypted traffic in the disproportion of zeros and ones. Some protocols mask encrypted traffic as normal traffic, and even the fact that a VPN is being used cannot be detected. But not here... Russians have learned to detect masked traffic and decipher it. Literally tomorrow I could wake up and no VPN will work. I have literally a few working locations left, and before there were more than 50... So at any moment, communication with me could be cut off forever. I joined the forum closer to autumn, and by autumn I may leave. In the meantime, I publish my work here. Art is not in demand in my country, everyone only talks about war and hardship. Photographers and bloggers have long since lost their audience. By the way, WhatsApp and Telegram have recently been blocked here. P.S. Due to the high resolution of the photos, I had to compress them, which was a long and tedious process, but I don't know any other way to attach photos.

[CaringWhisper]

The next part

[CaringWhisper]

Everything loads slowly

[CaringWhisper]

And another one

[CaringWhisper]

This weakness leads to self-hate. Self-loathing. And a cycle that spirals forever downwards. You think you're weak, so you don't try, so you think you're weaker. And you try even less. You look for ways out. Ways to escape. Ways to forget it all for however brief a time... until one day, you just give up. It has nothing to do with other people. Everyone else has their own issues and it's all relative. It only has to do with where you are, where you were, and where you want to be.

I know you, Whisper. And when I call you strong it has nothing to do with anyone else.

Lauren, I feel detached from such terms. I will not hate myself for weakness because I do not know what weakness is and what strength is. These are labels, cliches that we were forced to believe in as children to lead us astray from the true path. Forget these words, Lauren. Strength does not exist, nor does weakness. Strength can appear as weakness from one perspective, and weakness as strength from another. Everything is relative. There is only us.

[CaringWhisper]

Cisco's OpenH264 download host is geo-blocked for some countries including Russia.

Proprietary software is evil. I've already figured it out, thanks for your concern, my friend. By the way, I found out quite by accident that Ubuntu has spy functions, Canonical is the same as Google, all search queries are sent to Amazon servers to analyze user purchasing needs. Living in Russia has a number of advantages - Western companies are not interested in me. A kind of black humor.

I recently came to the conclusion that God exists by logically observing AI. AI has not been around for very long, but it is already capable of simulating creativity. The term "in the image and likeness" does not refer to the body, but to the ability to create. We create AI in our own likeness because God created us. We are not so different from machines, all our actions are predictable, otherwise psychology would not exist. An experienced psychologist can learn a lot about you from little things. Our reactions are like scripts.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Welcome back, Whisper.

Just the other day, I was wondering how you are doing. And here you are!

Thank you for posting your work. It is so beautiful. You have a keen eye.

I don't know if you can get it, but I use Paint.net (not Paint). It is free, with no ads or anything. It is great for editing photos, like cropping and resizing. The resize feature decreases the file size, too, which makes it suitable for web posts or email.

I know life can be challenging, but I am proud of how you handle it, and I am glad to hear that you two are okay.

Hugs!

[Sephirah]

I love Autumn. I know why some folks call it "Fall"... because leaves fall from the trees. But I never could bring myself to do that because it would be like calling Summer "Hot", or Winter "Cold", or Spring "Grow". Autumn sounds more romantic. I love all those pictures. You are an artist. But then you already know I think that. <3

Lauren, I feel detached from such terms. I will not hate myself for weakness because I do not know what weakness is and what strength is. These are labels, cliches that we were forced to believe in as children to lead us astray from the true path. Forget these words, Lauren. Strength does not exist, nor does weakness. Strength can appear as weakness from one perspective, and weakness as strength from another. Everything is relative. There is only us.

You know I love you, Whisper, but again I'm going to have to disagree with you. I know what you're saying and it makes a certain kind of sense. But I don't think it's something that is a label or something that we believe as children. I think it's something very real all throughout our lives. And I think the best indicator of it is how much we try to escape things and run away from ourselves. To seek a solution in something that is outside ourselves.

That is a form of weakness. Because we don't have the strength to deal with stuff on our own. Looking for a way out through addictive substances is an example. Whatever that may be. A way to forget the world and pretend it doesn't exist for a short while. One of my brothers got addicted to heroin when he was younger. He got in with the wrong group of people, and got mixed up in all kinds of stuff because he wasn't strong enough to say no. Part of that was the effect of the stuff he was taking. A very real physiological effect. But part of it was also psychological. He wanted to fit in, and that was how he did it. Because he wanted to be accepted by others as a way to be accepted by himself.

I won't go into what that made him into because it was... bad. But he got clean, eventually. Literally spent a week in a room like a prison cell, going through hell, and came out the other side. Never touched anything like that again. He hates me now because of who I am, but I respect him for what he overcame. That, to me, was strength. You are right in that it is relative. Everyone has their own example. And yes you do have to know weakness to know strength. You have to understand one to understand the other. If you never think you do anything wrong, you can never know if you do something right.

We all have challenges in our lives. How we deal with them is what determines who we are. Give different people the same challenge and they will approach it entirely differently. Looking at it from the outside, I know a lot of people who wouldn't even try to deal with the stuff you've had to deal with. They would run away from it and blame everyone else for everything. You see it as doing what you have to do but that's because you are who you are. Not everyone sees it the same way. It's a testament to the kind of person you are. You may not understand what strength is, Whisper, but I see it in everything you do. It's just that simple.