Life Of Michelle K

[Lilis]

Just a thought. Kind of wondering if maybe a year ago, the endocrinologist noticed the scars on my wrists and sent me to a psychologist to make sure that my depression was under control enough to receive estrogen. Maybe deciding that I was too depressed to get the estrogen.

Hey Michelle, yeah, it's frustrating when healthcare systems drop the ball like that, especially with something as crucial as estrogen.

Those scars from your wrist surgeries shouldn't have been a red flag without context tho.

Just to clarify one thing, even if there had been a history of self-harm or depression, that's not an automatic "no" for HRT under current guidelines like WPATH's Standards of Care.

Mental health concerns need to be managed, sure, but they're not contraindications, on the contrary, studies show gender-affirming hormone therapy often reduces depression and suicidality significantly.

For example, trans folks who start HRT report lower rates of moderate to severe depressive symptoms and fewer suicidal thoughts over time.

It's ironic how withholding care can sometimes make things worse.

Is there any way to contact your endocrinologist for an explanation of the denial?

~ Lilis 🌷

[Michelle_K]

I had two other appointments prior for my estrogen therapy. Both were canceled by the VA. This appointment was for after d.j.t. was elected, at a gender clinic connected with the university.

At the my appointment with the endocrinologist, I was asked what I expected estrogen to do. I told her I wanted to look more feminine and have bigger breasts. I was told estrogen would not do that. I mentioned that I might have Klinefelter Syndrome, and got told it was not in my records, so it was not possible. My thinking was that due to my very low testosterone, I will not need a testosterone blocker. She recommended a psychiatric therapist, and the appointment was made for Feb 6 (after D.J.T. made his executive orders). The VA paid for the endocrinologist and Medicare paid most of the therapy, with me paying the rest.
It was my understanding that the therapist wold talk to the endocrinologist about seeing me again. It may be due to d.j.t., the VA would no longer pay for gender treatments and would not approve future appointments.

I am looking at a website from North Memorial Health Clinic. Advertised gender care. Still, it would be about 80 miles one way. I haven't heard anything from my local provider since she messaged me about getting me a statin prescription after looking at my test results.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

A little clarification about the local provider. About two years ago my cholesterol was in the normal range, both the LDL and HDL. I needed tests for clearing me for the operations, and on both, my LDL was slightly elevated above normal. It got put into my records that I have a genetic condition for high LDL, without the test being made. Back in October, she sent a message, that my LDL was still above normal and because of the genetic part, she has sent the prescription order to the pharmacist. I was not consulted, and there has been no followup. The timing was bad, starting a statin the day after hernia surgery. Not knowing if my pain was from the statin, the surgery, or if my hip was just out of place again. The day after my surgery my blood pressure was back to normal at 117. Does it drop into the danger zone with a statin. My last testosterone test showed 262, how much lower does it get with the statin.
I had been told that my LDL needs to be in the normal range, before I can get estrogen.
I don't know if there was no intention of getting me estrogen to begin with, and the whole deal was to get her points with the hospital by getting me on a statin.
The provider at the VA has pretty much ignored the LDL being above normal, making me wonder what is going on.

About my car, I think I finally have the answer. I stop at the stop sign, I start out turning the wheel to turn right, and the car goes straight. It is very unnerving going almost into the lane of oncoming traffic. I know the road is slippery at that part. but at that low speed I should still be able to turn. My problem is the traction control doesn't know I turned the wheel, and is using the brake system to keep the car from turning. The cure is to push the button on my dash to turn the system off. The way the car acts has made me afraid to drive when there might be ice on the road.

If I can get things sorted out, the little KIA soul under control, new glasses with anti-glare, then make a pest of myself at the urgent care at the VA. The aches and pains are legitimate, as was the back pain from shoveling corn into the feed grinder when I was no older than a teen.

I'm a bit tired downloaded an update for my navigation system, and it took several hours to transfer to a SD card. It could take another hour to do the update once I plug the SD card into the system. It is suggested to have the motor running to keep the battery from going dead during the update.
Michelle

[Lori Dee ✅]

My last testosterone test showed 262, how much lower does it get with the statin.

Michelle,

High LDL and statin use can slightly lower testosterone levels. However, you are nowhere near "low testosterone" levels at 262. My last two labs showed my testosterone at less than 12. Ideally, my endocrinologist wanted to keep it just below 50. I think you might be confusing different things and assuming they are related.

I also have a genetic condition where my white blood cell count is barely higher than the lab reference range. Not high enough to signal an infection, but slightly elevated. My healthcare team now ignores that, but monitors it for any changes. The same could be true for your genetic LDL condition. They are not alarmed by it, just watching to see if it will change.

You are correct about turning off the ABS in your car under certain conditions. In my Jeep Owner's Manual is a discussion about how that affects braking and turning off-road or during braking/turning on ice or snow. Normally, leaving it on is safest. Check the Owner's Manual and see if you can find a similar discussion for your vehicle.

[davina61]

A lot of vehicles use the ABS as traction control so should make it better in slippery conditions as it cuts engine power.

[Michelle_K]

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Traction control is not ABS, traction control is anti-skid, to straighten the car on ice if it starts to go sideways. In other words, traction control stops a spinning wheel when you try to get unstuck. ABS stops wheel slide when you try to stop.

It was my understanding that in a male, testosterone protects the bone density, aids in clearing the blood of cholesterol, and provides sexual function. Not knowing how much estrogen I have, I don't know if I have enough to take over the function of protecting the bone density. Not knowing if my low testosterone is due to being converted to estrogen, or if my body is not converting enough cholesterol to testosterone.

Maybe you didn't understand, I have never been on estrogen therapy, I am not now on estrogen therapy. I am not on testosterone blockers. Could you imagine having depression due to low testosterone and ED problems, go to the doctor and have testosterone tested. Then told that the testosterone is normal, and then given a prescription for a anti-depression drug known to lower testosterone. It makes the ED worse, but that does not matter since there is no sex partner. That doctor even insisted that due to my history of above normal PSA, I needed a biopsy done. He would not take no for my answer. My testosterone was in the bottom third of the normal scale.

I don't know if its a hormone problem, that body has problems regulating my temperature, regulating my blood pressure. I sit here shivering, as the temperature in the house has dropped to 61F (16.11C). At 9:30, my computer showed -21F (-29.44C) outside, now at noon it shows -15F (-26.111C). I'm tempted to find my ski pants and thermal vest to wear in the house, I already have a small quilt over my legs. The furnace has been running non stop since yesterday.
Earlier this week, I went out and shoveled snow for about a half hour. It was 20f (-6.666C), even with heavy duty gloves, I was feeling pain in my fingers from the cold. I think I was once told that as long as I can feel my fingers, the pain shouldn't matter, we will worry about your fingers when you can no longer feel them. Now that I think about it, when I am still in the cold and can no longer feel my fingers, then are are damaged by frostbite.

Somebody remind me how record low temperatures are caused by global warming.

Random thoughts, Biology class, A girl remarks that the sex of the child is determined by the sex gene in the sperm therefore the father is responsible for the sex of the child (1960s) Can we now say the egg chooses the sperm so the mother is responsible for the sex of the child. At one time it was thought that the sex of the child was determined by which ovary the egg came from. My aunt was told that after having one ovary removed, all future children would be the same sex. She proved them wrong.
Michelle

[davina61]

The point I was getting at was turn ABS off and it can turn traction control off as well.

[Michelle_K]

I do a lot of speculating, and sometimes I can go back and read what I had written. Not knowing about my own body can be converting testosterone to estrogen, and a medical doctor practically telling me intersex people don't exist, I would look for another reason I commonly get mistaken for being female. Doing some reading, I now find that a doctor might lie to avoid getting into that type of conversation. It might be, the more patients he sees, the more he gets paid. The deal with the statin, is the bonus the doctor gets for prescribing a new statin patient.
I mentioned my aunt(aunt-in-law?). She was found in her singing,unaware of her surroundings. The first thing the doctor who was called asked, was how much she had to drink. Her condition was caused by the diseased ovary. It may be that it was that one particular doctor that missed the class on sex, and totally believed the ovary the egg came from determined the sex of the baby.

I was born in the range of years that had the high estrogen morning sickness pills, though not likely it would have been available in my area. Living on the farm, we did not use the herbicides and pesticides, but there was the powder coating the seeds. It seems everything I look at becomes not likely.

One clue comes from the occupational therapist after I broke both wrists, she made a comment about my long fingers. Not that noticeably long, a bit longer than average. I was complaining about the video game not fitting my hand, but not to her. Add to it the deformed ribs, the popping of my joints, and the pain in my knees if I try to lift the proper way. Stuff I have gone through my entire life, to me is just normal day to day living. I did not know about the damage to my internal organs, until the ct lung cancer screening was done.
Even the discoloration of my toenails can be added to the symptoms. My VA provider referred me to a podiatrist. All the podiatrist did was trim my toenails back. Typical male nail cutting, all the way to where the nail is attached to the skin. I should have been sent to a dermatologist, someone who knows about skin issues, someone who would know if it was a fungus problem or blood flow problem, or even both.

At the moment, it is showing 9F above zero. I need to shovel the walk between the house and the recycle bin. I know that due to the cold and my poor blood circulation, even with my heavy duty gloves, I will get pain in my fingers and toes. The same applies to driving, at some point I will have pain in my fingers until my car gets warm enough that my hands can warm up. I'm just waiting for the weather to get warm enough to make my drive to urgent care
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

Finally, I remembered to check the humidity. I remembered one clock shows temperature and humidity besides the time. I had some difficulty as the clock was up higher and finally I focused and read 5%. looking on the internet determined 30% should be optimal. At first I tried my electric tea kettle, I think the water ran out too fast. Grabbed the 3 quart pan, and put in on the stove before going out. Later turning up the dial, checking later still not boiling, but bubbles on the bottom. Just where I want it,just hot enough to put moisture into the air. It surprised me how toasty warm the kitchen felt.

Going out to shovel snow, I tried something different. On my right foot I removed the diabetic sock, and put on the knee high sock and boot. Before removing my diabetic sock on my left foot, I had a thought and just put the knee high on over it. then removed my boot from my right foot and put the diabetic sock over the knee high. Not that I need diabetic socks, but it was a way to get multiple white socks without buying a bunch of other colors. 12 inch high leather boots, with zippers. then my ski pants (snow pants), cloth wrist bands, and finally a heavy duty jacket that goes down to the knees. My heavy duty gloves and stocking cap. When my fingers started getting cold I stopped and went into the house to warm up. Once warmed back up, then out to do more shoveling.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I think I did mention once that I have no hair on my lower legs. I know it has been decades since Dressed up for Halloween with my Gothic Witch Gown. Since I used a cream hair remover on my legs, I can assume I had hair on legs at some time, though it might have been very fine. One of those things if I intended to remove the hair permanently, it would not have have done so. Since I had done this as a one time thing just for a costume, it permanently removed the hair on my lower legs. There may have been a few that came back that I removed through electrolysis especially on my toes, though I might not have put the cream onto my toes.
At the time I was still trying to live as a male, and a bit afraid of what people would say about my hairless legs. No matter how hot the weather, I would be wearing long pants. Living as a female, I wear a skirt and the hairless legs do not bother, and I am a lot cooler in the hot weather.

Scanning some Polaroid photos into my computer, I finally came across a couple that were dated 1993. Since they were from my brothers wedding, I can figure the dates of other photos are within a few years. I have some Polaroid photos of my private lingerie show. I used a pool stick to push the button on the Polaroid camera. In a few, I can see the uneven hips, caused by a short leg. I can even see the rib deformity.

The thing is, a lot of the transgender stuff does not apply to me. I find it hard to believe that having long hair and a fanny pack would be enough, that others would clock me as being female. At the very least a feminine male, that put up with the harassment. Part of it may be my attitude, practicing my feminine walk back as a child. At the same time learning the proper way for a lady to sit, it is very natural for me to sit with my knees together, occasionally crossing my ankles. learn how to squat to pick up my pencil from the floor, of course if I bend at the waist I might get a lot of back pain.
I never married, so no spouse or children, but then somebody might have told me I need to set a male example for my nieces and nephews. I get called weird by my nieces for not having the proper gender toys, boys don't play with dolls.

It might have been a problem with the language, I may have misunderstood what was said. Having two or three younger sisters at the time. Just a little cord organ, but my one sister tells me that my dad has stated that I am not allowed to play it. Her wording "Only us girls are allowed to play the cord organ." The same applies to the piano. To me it is only the girls can play the piano, or the cord organ. Now, present time, I do not know if my dad really said that or if the whole thing was a lie made up by my sister, just so that I never got my turn to learn to play.

Kind of expecting to be called out as a man wearing a dress, and it never comes. A lot different from the Walmart janitor that time in the men's restroom telling me to use the family restroom. There was one time when the janitor just got done and was removing the barrier. He says careful, the floor is still wet.
Or the time before my cataract surgery trying to see the sign at the men's rest room, and some guy points towards the women's restroom for me.

I have some makeup around here someplace. I planned on trying it out, but I never learned how to put on makeup. So, I go do my shopping without makeup. I don't really go out due to my anxiety, but I should go to the local pride event. It's just that it is after dark, and I can use that excuse. Mostly, being a pride event, it is a bit scary, getting to know other people, and feeling I won't fit in.
Michelle
  I must be getting tired I came back after uploading a photo and noticed I forgot to post.

[Michelle_K]

I got the new zipper for my Tweety hoodie. Removing the old broken zipper from the one side got to be a project in itself. I was using the spring clips to hold the zipper in place for pinning. This will be a little more difficult to sew. I need to sew material on both sides of the zipper, ending up with the needle going through 5 layers of material. I want to finish sewing one side before removing the broken zipper from the other side.

[Lori Dee ✅]

That's a cute hoodie, Michelle.

[Michelle_K]

Watching videos and reading other forums. One such video told how difficult is is to get gender affirming care when there is such a shortage of doctors willing to give that care. It appears that the result is a waiting list that may take years.
Another problem is that the endocrinologist may not be up to date on the DSM, and wanting a written referral for estrogen from a psychologist, or some other proof that psychological therapy has been done to confirm a diagnosis of gender dysphoria, even though I am well into the age of consent, and I live in a state that has implied consent.

Back in about the 1990s, I went through the psychological therapy, exploring my gender. In that was mentioned the sudden blindness while using a urinal during the night. It was thought of not wanting to see that on my body, now thinking it was due to having low blood pressure, not getting proper blood flow to my eyes.
At one point it was decided that because I masturbated, I enjoyed being a male, and therefore was not trans. There was no discussion about my reason was that I did not enjoy waking up during the night and having to clean up the sticky mess. To me it was like saying that I couldn't be transgender because my birth certificate said male. By this time I had already gotten a response of it never happens, when I told a therapist that I felt I had been sexually changed at birth.
I may be wrong, but I think the DSM at that time required living as a female wearing dresses and skirts, and using the women's rest room for a year before even getting estrogen. I not sure if the employer turned in a report showing the requirements were being followed.  I have seen complaints that some employers would not allow the skirts or the use of the requested restroom quoting some company policy. I've heard of some having to head across the street to a service station to use the restroom.
Michelle

[MaryT]

The problems that you have highlighted make me wonder:
Where it is illegal for trans women to use women's bathroom facilities, are any trans women going to satisfy the requirements for HRT and surgery?

[Michelle_K]

The problems that you have highlighted make me wonder:
Where it is illegal for trans women to use women's bathroom facilities, are any trans women going to satisfy the requirements for HRT and surgery?

At the time,1990s, it was the old DSM. There was no transgender rights. Going against company policy could be grounds for firing. In the 1990s, I could not medically transition, but I could wear women's jeans and shirts. My supervisor informed me that unless I had bottom surgery, I was not allowed to use the women's restroom. If I had problems with using the men's restroom in the production area, I could use the restroom in the office area. That did not work out due to the cleaning service decided to put out of service signs on the office restroom during our shift.
I don't know when the restroom laws in Minnesota were changed to allow a transgender person to use the public restroom that matched the gender or the clothing worn. But, I think the private, company restrooms were left up to the company policy.

I saw some video, I think it was UK, where clarifying a ban of the restrooms, it stated that cis men are not banned from the women's restroom, only trans women are banned.
Michelle

[Lori Dee ✅]

Informed consent is all you need.

Even after I had my diagnosis (through the VA), I argued with my Endocrinologist about what my dose should be. I gave her published studies, but she was still hesitant. I told her to write in my records that she has informed consent and that I am well aware of the risks. She did, and I got my prescription adjusted.

The WPATH guideline used to require a year of Real Life Experience before surgery, not hormones. That guideline has since been changed. It was decided that forcing someone to cross-dress full-time was dangerous to require before surgery.

There are also exceptions for people who cannot undergo hormone therapy for whatever reason. So there are ways to get through all of the gatekeeping. It is up to us to inform the providers of what the rules actually say. They don't have time to read all the studies and updates. We must advocate for ourselves.

[Michelle_K]

I think I need some psychiatric therapy to undo the damages done by previous therapists. In particular, the idea put into my head that my actions proved I was not transgender. The other was the physical impossibly that I might be intersex.

It gets to me, wondering if I should even bother. Sometimes I feel like I am getting the run around. It states on the ST Cloud VA website, that there is no referral needed for the psychiatric therapy. yet, when I tried to find the appointment desk, I ended up at the wrong desk and ended up being shown back to the main building, where I got appointments with the social worker with the thought of needing a referral for the therapy.

When I broke my wrists, I was wearing women's clothes, and got listed as transgender. When I went to my appointments with a provider at the local clinic I was wearing women's clothes. I was given a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. At the VA with the social worker, I would wear skirts, I got another diagnosis of gender dysphoria, and finally appointments for getting my estrogen. Two appointments canceled. The final endocrinologist sent me to a therapist to verify my dysphoria and evaluate my depression. No more gender care through the VA.

It looks like I can get psychiatric gender therapy at a local clinic, but medicare will only pay if I get a referral from my primary provider.

My dad did not help matters any. I heard all about how he had smashed his fingers, and due to the pain he could not use that hand. Any complaints about any pain from me, and I was told to quit faking it. Any aches I had were not enough to need medical attention. I don't know which hand my dad had injured. Most likely it was the one the beer bottle was always in.
My sister was another. She could quote the Bible where it says men are not to wear women's clothes. How horrible that I would go against the Bible, but her adultery was no problem.

If I seem to stop in the middle of thoughts, that means my mind has gone on to other things.

I requested a autism evaluation through my VA provider. After my appointment was scheduled, 2 more hours were added making my appointment 2 hours earlier. That meant I had no time for breakfast, as it was 1 hour driving time. I spent 6 hours answering various questionnaires, and doing memory tests, also missing lunch.
When done, I was informed that I have enough autism traits to say I had autism, but he was not qualified to give me an autism diagnosis. I had received a psychiatric evaluation, and deemed not too depressed. If I wanted an autism diagnosis I would have to go through another therapy session.
Michelle