I just wrote this, and I wanted to share it here:
Katie slowly rolled out of bed.
She hated mornings.
As her feet touched the floor, she found her slippers and made her way to the bathroom. Once again, she confronted her nemesis, the mirror. Her hair was a mess and still thinning. Her eyes looked puffy and she noted that the aging brown spots that her dermatologist said would never go away, were still there.
With a deep sigh, she also noted that she still needed to shave her face. She had hours of painful electrolysis to go. Fortunately, her hormone therapy had solved most of the tough transgender issues for her, she lost all of her body hair, she had natural size D breasts, her body was acceptably female and her facial features were feminine without surgery. Her voice was a work in motion.
Who was she to complain?
Of course, every morning, as she looked into the mirror, she did. Cisgender girlfriends told her repeatedly that it made her officially a woman. Most women hated what they saw in the mirror first thing in the morning.
With another sigh, Katie continued to get dressed. She was meeting her friend, Jenn, to go shopping in the East Village, one of her favorite places in New York City. Her family lived there two generations ago, and she always feels an emotional connection there.
She chose an outfit somewhere between androgynous and a slightly lesbian female, which, technically, she was. Regardless, she loved makeup and surrendered to many of the girly pleasures she was denied when she was forced to live male for the first four decades of her life.
Discovering that she was a transgender female transgender, eight years ago, tore her apart. It created too many lonely, dark moments. It started with unexplained stretches of depression and confusion. Her despair finally forced her to seek therapy. After two psychiatrists and two psychologists, she finally accepted what she already knew: she was transgender. Unfortunately, her wife was firmly cisgender, and their love was not strong enough to overcome the gender gulf. They were still friendly, but the painful separation hadn't fully healed yet.
Katie met Jenn at their favorite coffee shop, a Ukrainian restaurant on Second Avenue that served the best bottomless coffee in the area. Jenn was always on time, and they found a great table by the window looking out at the social parade that the East Village always provided.
The East Village has always been a place where every version of humanity found a home and a community that supported them. It was filled with every style of human interaction, from coffee shops to ancient saloons, from Ukrainian Orthodox churches to Buddhist temples, to new age crystal shops, and from cisgender to LGBTQ clubs and everything in between.
This was where Katie felt most at home in the world.
Jenn believed in crystals, omens, tarot cards, and spirits. There was a shop nearby that she loved to visit. Katie was not a believer. This time Jenn insisted on dragging Katie along. They walked through the residual piles of old NYC snow and made their way uptown to the store.
The store was called Spiritual Energy and was eclectically cluttered with crystals, books on witchcraft, potions, lotions, candles, and statues. Exactly what you would expect from a store willing to sell you whatever your spirit needed. As Jenn pushed a grumpy Katie through the door, all Katie felt her spirit needed a nice bottle of red wine and a bar of Swiss chocolates.
Denise, the store owner, recognized Jenn immediately, which told Katie a lot more about her friend, Jenn.
As Denise shared some of the new crystals that were just delivered to Jenn, Katie wandered unrestricted past the counters crammed with the tools of the spirit world. After a few moments, her attention was drawn to what looked like an ancient Egyptian statue of a man with white ivory eyes staring at her, almost through her.
The statue was 12 inches tall, carved out of desert-dried wood. He was wearing only a wrap-around, knee-length skirt and was holding a long black staff in his left hand. In the middle of his forehead, there was a faint red dot.
Katie walked over and picked up the statue. Dennis noticed Katie holding the statue and said, " I see that you found Ka."
Katie asked, "What is a Ka?"
Dennis responded, "Ka is the supposed spiritual part of an individual human being or god, which survives (with the soul) after death and could reside in a statue of the person. Egyptians believed that you could communicate with the god associated with that Ka by holding the red dot on the forehead to your own. You can then ask one question and get an absolute answer, your answer."
Jenn laughed and said that Katie was a non-believer. Jenn and Denise both turned back to discuss the power of a certain crystal Jenn was holding.
Katie continued to hold the statue and look into its eyes. The statue seemed to radiate a warmth that Katie could feel move from her hand to the rest of her body. She could hear the one question she had been asking herself for the last eight years, "Who was she supposed to be? Male or female?" Being transgender always felt unfinished.
Entranced with her question, Katie slowly drew the red dot to her forehead. As they touched, the store dissolved into the background, and she heard words whispered quietly in the back of her mind.
"What do you wish to know?" The voice asked.
"Why am I transgender?" Katie asked quietly.
Katie had felt cursed to be part male and part female. She was raised male, but she was wired female prior to birth. She wished she were one or the other, not both, as she felt. There were days that she hated being transgender, and the world around her shared that hate of anyone transgender.
The voice listened to her thoughts and then spoke, "You are transgender because you are perfect." The voice stated simply. "Most humans are forced to live as one or the other gender. You, on the other hand, were chosen to know both. That knowledge makes you superior to other humans. You have been blessed by the gods. Do not let an inferior human make you feel less because you are really more."
Katie felt the warmth leave the statue and the store come back into focus. She looked around the store. Nothing had changed. Jenn and Denise were still talking about crystals and did not hear the voice.
Katie put the statue back on the counter.
She realized that Ka had been right; she loved who she was. Being transgender was better than being just male or female. It made her a better person because she understood and could empathize with everyone, regardless of gender. She had no hate in her heart, only the desire to see someone smile or to help someone feel better.
The red dot showed her that she was the right gender after all, she was transgender.
