Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Small talk is just about practice really. You can't help but get that here as everyone is always chatty. It's when it is more than small talk that I start to crumble a bit.

Oh i can absolutely do small talk no problems. I just find every minute of it distressing and it drains my battery really fast. If i feel good then I can enjoy it, but thats a vert rare occurrence. I'd fit in perfectly in London!

[PhilippaRees]

Hi Emma I've been out of the loop for a while so just catching up.
I don't think you will have any bathroom issues. Everyone in my London support group continues to use them as they have always done.
I'm half an hour away from London, I'd be happy to meet even if its just coffee and cake.

[Emma1017]

Philippa, thank you for the offer.  I am only going to be in London for half a day.  I am catching a train to Southampton to make it easier to catch the ship.

I thought I would squeeze in one more "Emma in Manhattan." with my friend Jenna.  We thought we would dare the traffic on Lower Broadway for a real city moment.

🔗 [Link: ibb.co/kV4fQ8Rn/]

We timed the traffic lights just right, or I wouldn't be here right now...

[Emma1017]

By the way, don't think that NYC is that empty. Jenn found the app that deletes people and things from a photo.

She used it gleefully. 

I'm glad she kept me in the photo...

[Stottie Girl]

Philippa, thank you for the offer.  I am only going to be in London for half a day.  I am catching a train to Southampton to make it easier to catch the ship.

I thought I would squeeze in one more "Emma in Manhattan." with my friend Jenna.  We thought we would dare the traffic on Lower Broadway for a real city moment.

🔗 [Link: ibb.co/kV4fQ8Rn/]

We timed the traffic lights just right, or I wouldn't be here right now...

Gasp! Are you breaking the law there Emma!!! Jaywalking isn't it ha ha!

Looking good there though! You have a great smile!

Looks awesome weather too.

[Emma1017]

Jaywalking in NYC is an art form with cars, taxis,  buses, trucks, pedicabs,messenger bikes, food deliveries, bikers, electric scooters and tourists everywhere.

I don't need yoga. I flex just crossing the street.

[Emma1017]

Oh, and I forgot the idiots who walk while looking at their phones!

[Stottie Girl]

Jaywalking in NYC is an art form with cars, taxis,  buses, trucks, pedicabs,messenger bikes, food deliveries, bikers, electric scooters and tourists everywhere.

I don't need yoga. I flex just crossing the street.

You little rebel you! ha ha! You would fit right in at St Trinians with me and Lauren!

[PhilippaRees]

I hope you have a good trip.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Phillipa!

I packed rain gear for the Atlantic crossing, so I am all set for a soggy London.  I also packed suntan lotion just in case.

Cunard told me the cruise is sold out.  The lecture hall holds 500 people.  I want to see how many I can put to sleep in 45 minute...😁

I love the fact when the QM2 enters the NYC harbor and passes under the Verrazano Bridge, its just few blocks from my house.  It then docks only 5 miles from my house. Now if I can only find a taxi to get me home.

[Stottie Girl]

I don't think you will bore anyone Emma! I wish I was on that crossing too!

If you ever get around to doing a world lecture tour and you pop back to the North East I'll be there! I want backstage passes though!

[Emma1017]

Sarah, I am really sorry I didn't know you all when I was excavating all those years at Vindolanda.  It would have been a rousing time at the Twice Brewed Pub near Haltwhistle...or any other pub for that matter!

Sadly, most of this trip will be done in male drag.  Sadly, like all of us, I have had way too much experience.  The beauty of it now is that I know that I am doing male drag as a woman.

[Stottie Girl]

Sarah, I am really sorry I didn't know you all when I was excavating all those years at Vindolanda.  It would have been a rousing time at the Twice Brewed Pub near Haltwhistle...or any other pub for that matter!

Sadly, most of this trip will be done in male drag.  Sadly, like all of us, I have had way too much experience.  The beauty of it now is that I know that I am doing male drag as a woman.

I didn't know you weren't full transitioned Emma! I'm surprised given all your Emma in Manhattan pics. You look effortlesly female to me, I just assumed you transitioned years ago.

Colour me surprised!

[Emma1017]

Sorry Sarah, I take for granted that everyone knows my story.

My half transition is a compromise for my wife. Also, my son is taking over my practice, so I also compromised for him as well.

You can read all about my trauma in my first postings here starting in 2018.

Also, thank you for you compliment!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sorry Sarah, I take for granted that everyone knows my story.

My half transition is a compromise for my wife. Also, my son is taking over my practice, so I also compromised for him as well.

You can read all about my trauma in my first postings here starting in 2018.

Also, thank you for you compliment!

I must say I thought the same as you always look so beautifully feminine and free in all your wonderful pictures.

Lots of tough compromises there.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Sorry Sarah, I take for granted that everyone knows my story.

My half transition is a compromise for my wife. Also, my son is taking over my practice, so I also compromised for him as well.

You can read all about my trauma in my first postings here starting in 2018.

Also, thank you for you compliment!

That's tough to live with. I'm totally closeted as you know but to be half out in public, to know what happiness that can bring, very tough. It shows how much you love your wife and son. Have you resolved never to transition fully?

[Emma1017]

Sorry for the delayed response because the internet on the ship is spotty.

We all know the extraordinary pressure that gender dysphoria creates.  Each of us tries to navigate our own solutions.  Mine is working for me.

Every day I wish I could fully transition.  Every day I wish I wasn't transgender. Neither is going to happen. 

I am transgender.  Of that I am absolutely certain.  My therapist told me she has never met anyone work so hard to not be transgender.

I struggled in the beginning with my need to transition versus my love of my wife, hence the name of my blog here, "which hurts less?" not transitioning or losing the love of my wife.  I decided that I am happier with her more than I would be happy fully transitioning and losing her. 

We both compromised in different ways.  Today we laugh together every day.  It was the right decision for me.  I get to be Emma, in spirit all the time.  I see Emma in the mirror every day.  I have a world that sees me as Emma all the time.  It includes the friends I have here, a group of cisgender women who know me as me, some lesbian friends who militantly support me, the students and teachers at a LGBTQ school that I substitute teach at and numerous friends in the LGBTQ community as well.

I am no longer terrified and lonely like I was in the beginning.  I refused to be a victim and I refused to be afraid.  I took risks to find my "tribe" who like me as me.  It was a lot of work and a lot fear, but I recommend it to everyone to take a chance.

The world is not all hate. It is mostly filled with wonderful people if you take the chance to find them.

Sorry for the speech.  Your comments triggered thoughts of how far I have come.

A lot of that progress came from the support I got from you all here.

[Lori Dee ✅]

You have come a long way. So often, we gauge our progress by what we see in the mirror or on the measuring tape. You have just reminded us that the most difficult part of the journey is self-acceptance. And when you achieve that and find your tribe, the rest is just cosmetics and not very important at all.

Thanks, Emma!

[Stottie Girl]

Well you have managed to achieve so much more than me, a scaredy cat closet dweller!

I think it is beautiful the way you have managed to carve out a happy medium. It does sound like it works well for you and I'm so glad you have such a large support group of friends and family around you. I will admit to being a liitle envious of that.

I have never had to fight being transgender and I have never once wished I was a normal male. I have of course constantly wished I could have been born female but in my eyes, this is the next best thing.

It is really nice to learn a bit more about your journey Emma.

I hope you are enjoying your luxury cruise and I hope your lectures are packed to the rafters! Do ships have rafters? hmmmm, packed to the gunnels then!

Take us some nice pics as you sail past lady liberty and under the bridges into manhattan!

Bon voyage!