A Journey of a Thousand Miles

[Alana Ashleigh]

Annika, congratulations 🥳🥳

[Dances With Trees]

Annika, congratulations

Thanks, Alana! When the Wal-Mart pharmacist asked why I was prescribed Estradiol, I proudly stood my ground and said: gender affirming. Then, I went into the ladies section and picked out two dresses I paid for at non-self checkout. And all of this happened this morning in Butte, Montana. Who says drugs aren't empowering?

[Pema]

I guess I'm surprised they asked why, although pharmacists do need to think about the complexities of people's medications.

Good for you for being unafraid to say what's true for you. I'm proud to call you my sister.

[Pema]

Annika, I love Ponderosa pines (but I love almost every kind of tree). I planted a dozen a few years ago. They're not native here, though they do exist about 40 miles north. I figured with our summers getting hotter and drier all the time, I should try filling some of the gaps with a species that might do better in those extremes than some of our moisture-loving natives. A couple have passed to the great beyond, but the rest are doing quite well. It's the very wet fall, spring, and winter that I think may be their biggest challenge.

[Dances With Trees]

It's the very wet fall, spring, and winter that I think may be their biggest challenge.

From what my daughter told me (she's the one with a degree in environmental horticulture, not me), Ponderosa pine are drought tolerant but not resistant (Douglas-fir was my first choice but the state nursery was sold out). From what I understand, they are taking over irrigated parts of eastern Montana (almost like an invasive weed). I'm not sure where you live, Pema, but if you can pack your bags (or pinecones in this case) and thrive in Roundup, Montana, you can adapt to just about anything.

[TanyaG]

The forester stated: sir, it will take a thousand years for the trees to mature. To which the general replied: that's why you should have planted them yesterday.

There's a remarkable intro in one of the Meetings with Remarkable Trees series the BBC did (which is good). Somewhere in an intro, one of the interviewees points at a planting which was two centuries old and says, 'My great, great, great grandfather planted those. As a cash crop.'

Patience is a virtue.

[Sephirah]

"Trees are poems that the earth writes upon the sky." - Kahil Gibran



So proud of you, Anni. <3

[Dances With Trees]

Maybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

[Dances With Trees]

Clarification: Bod died a few weeks ago (not months). Must be the patch.

[Pema]

Maybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

Annika, I am an avid cryer, and I'm elated to have you join me. Know that you are loved, my sister.

[Sinclair]

Maybe it is just the day. There is so much going on in my life and it's hard to believe a tiny little patch changes things overnight. But I have shed more tears today than I have since my best friend died a few months ago. If this is what it means to 'transition', then I'm all in. Until today, I didn't realize I had forgotten how to feel.

Best wishes ... being a "cryer" .. like me as well, simply means you have the ability to empathize with others. That's very important, and means you're normal.

[Dances With Trees]

A mock orange fronted by a peony. Poor execution of landscaping design but the two seem happy together at least for now.  As Lee Ann Womack suggested, "I hope you dance."

[Pema]

It looks to me like they are dancing.

Sometimes I feel like landscape design is for people who like things manicured and just-so. (And sometimes I do have to recognize that things simply don't work where I've put them.) Just yesterday, I had to trim and wrangle and separate an absolutely massive double-flowered peony and a gigantic calla, both just loaded with blossoms. I'd constructed a cordon around them to try to keep them upright, but their combined weight had made a joke of my effort. I was telling my wife last night that they're both too large to be where they are, but both of them together are preposterous.

And yet... They're obviously very happy there, together. I have until October to figure out what I want to do about it.

I say let them dance.

[Dances With Trees]

I can't even remember the song title and I'm too hard of hearing to sort through a song list searching for a single line. Floor Jensen and Nightwish is all I remember. And the line goes something like this: How can I cry on someone's shoulder when the shoulder cries more than I?.
  I am blessed to be among so many empaths. And so many times you have heard my plea and excised my pain. And so many times it must have seemed as though you cast pearls before swine when you read my awkward and banal response to your words of love and kindness.
  Excising pain is similar to surgery and as soon as the anesthetic wears off, I go back and read your words and also my response. Often with embarrassment or worse, fearing my words might have been painful for you to read. And I wish I could change them, but even if I did delete them that might do little more than pour salt on the wound I inflicted. The bell has been rung, and I must abide the ensuing silence.
  It is small consolation, but if you look at me on this site when I am full of joy and so alive in the company of so many beautiful people, you might notice the pearl necklace so large it adorns my shoulders and bosom. You gave that gift to me. All of you gave it to me and asked nothing in return. Not even a proper thank you. But I assure, that necklace is my most cherished treasure.

[Dances With Trees]

I say let them dance.

I sometimes sense we are kindred spirits, Pema. I am more comfortable in the company of trees and flowers than in the company of men or even women. I am patient enough to watch trees dance even on a calm day and the moment my greenhouse explodes with color never fails to surprise me. We're Zone 4, borderline 5, so I don't think most lilies would do well here. But I would love to see a picture of your calla dancing with peonies.   

[Pema]

I sometimes sense we are kindred spirits, Pema. I am more comfortable in the company of trees and flowers than in the company of men or even women. I am patient enough to watch trees dance even on a calm day and the moment my greenhouse explodes with color never fails to surprise me. We're Zone 4, borderline 5, so I don't think most lilies would do well here. But I would love to see a picture of your calla dancing with peonies. 

Annika, there is no doubt we are kindred spirits. You may recall that my initial name on this site was "flowers_and_trees." Plants are my family of origin.

Every year, I start my vegetables and many, many flowers indoors under lamps on a table I built for that purpose in 1994. And every time that first seed germinates, I am in awe. Every time. The same is true of the absurd growth of my garden from bare ground to a dense jungle with a riot of color - year after year. You'd think I'd get used to it, but it never ceases to fill me with wonder and joy.

I didn't want to flood your quasi-blog with images, but I did get a photo of the dancers and threw in a few others, too. Please take a look at them in my blog:

Calla and Peony for Annika (and more)

See also what I said there about growing lilies where you live. I think you have options.

Thank you for being you and loving the way you do.

Pema

[Dances With Trees]

Such an odd feeling reading through some of my posts on this thread and the conversations they engendered. Reminders of all the support and encouragement I've received inside SP; much of it from people who haven't visited Susan's for a long time. I hope they return. I miss them.

I began this topic last June after my first appointment with Planned Parenthood. Winter was unusually long this year and began for me in October when I suspended HRT for medical reasons. I was determined to resume HRT this spring and move to somewhere safer than rural Montana. I fantasized about living my life as the woman I've become. The woman I've always been. Plans change. A few weeks ago I realized that I am no longer able to live independently. I've lost so much since that sudden and devastating realization: connections, strength, positive attitude, determination to write the Great American Novel. But the hardest part was watching the castle I had built in the clouds crumble into dust. I considered stopping my transition entirely, revert to my deadname, burn all my feminine attire, cut my hair, even allow my facial hair to once again hide my face. But the dreams of being a woman intervened and I am sitting at my laptop wearing a lavender skirt and an embroidered top. I can do that because my daughter and her partner are at work. I will change into boy clothes before they return home. My daughter loves me and will take good care of me but she cannot bring herself to call me mom. And I am too old and tired to bring more discord into our home than absolutely necessary. So I will change clothes before she returns home.

I have not posted on SP for the past week or two as I considered these things and this will probably be my last post on this topic because, well, because in a way I feel as though I am writing Anni's obituary. I will keep her alive in my heart for as long as my mind allows but I suspect she will become a bit of a recluse over the coming months.

This amazing place is filled with beautiful people. Strong and gentle. Kind and compassionate. I am honored to call each of you my friend and will visit often. Love--Anni   

[Stottie Girl]

That's a very sad post Anni.

It is a crying shame that your daughter cannot accept you for who you are but you can't make people accept you. Anni will always be a part of you because she is you even if she is repressed.

Come visit as much as you can. I may be a newbie poster but I know what you mean about supportive and kind posts from the people on here. I will try to pay it forward whenever I can, as will everyone else so the experience shouldn't be too different than before I hope.

Sarah xx

[Pema]

Oh, Anni, thank you for posting this.

I'm so sorry that the challenges of life as a human have complicated your hopes of realizing your deepest desires. But I understand the choices you face and why you feel the way(s) you do. I wish it were simpler, easier, more fulfilling for you.

I know that you know this, but I want to say it anyway. You are so loved, not just by me but by so many here, not for who you could be but for who you *are*, exactly as you are.

And we'll continue to be here for you and with you whether you're in that lavender skirt or anything else, because it's you on the inside that matters to us, not the packaging.

I hope you will visit whenever you feel like it. You're unconditionally a part of our community.

Love,
Pema

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Such an odd feeling reading through some of my posts on this thread and the conversations they engendered. Reminders of all the support and encouragement I've received inside SP; much of it from people who haven't visited Susan's for a long time. I hope they return. I miss them.

I began this topic last June after my first appointment with Planned Parenthood. Winter was unusually long this year and began for me in October when I suspended HRT for medical reasons. I was determined to resume HRT this spring and move to somewhere safer than rural Montana. I fantasized about living my life as the woman I've become. The woman I've always been. Plans change. A few weeks ago I realized that I am no longer able to live independently. I've lost so much since that sudden and devastating realization: connections, strength, positive attitude, determination to write the Great American Novel. But the hardest part was watching the castle I had built in the clouds crumble into dust. I considered stopping my transition entirely, revert to my deadname, burn all my feminine attire, cut my hair, even allow my facial hair to once again hide my face. But the dreams of being a woman intervened and I am sitting at my laptop wearing a lavender skirt and an embroidered top. I can do that because my daughter and her partner are at work. I will change into boy clothes before they return home. My daughter loves me and will take good care of me but she cannot bring herself to call me mom. And I am too old and tired to bring more discord into our home than absolutely necessary. So I will change clothes before she returns home.

I have not posted on SP for the past week or two as I considered these things and this will probably be my last post on this topic because, well, because in a way I feel as though I am writing Anni's obituary. I will keep her alive in my heart for as long as my mind allows but I suspect she will become a bit of a recluse over the coming months.

This amazing place is filled with beautiful people. Strong and gentle. Kind and compassionate. I am honored to call each of you my friend and will visit often. Love--Anni   

Hey Anni, reading this has brought a tear to my eyes. You are always you in your heart, but I really wish it could be more for you. You're such a lovely soul, you deserve more happiness.

Sending you my love, hugs and best wishes.

Charlotte 😻