Mairen's Journey, so far...

[Mairen]

I just thought I'd share a bit of my journey so far — maybe it'll help someone else who's in a similar place.

For a long time, I didn't think I could be a transgender woman. I hadn't felt the kind of intense dysphoria I'd read about, and I didn't grow up with a strong sense of certainty about it. So I figured I must be something else — close, maybe, but not quite.

But looking back, I did feel different as a child — I just didn't know how or why. I was always drawn to female clothes, and that feeling has stayed with me my whole life. Alongside it came all the emotional turmoil that you will no doubt recognise. The push and pull, the purging, the longing, the confusion, the ache.

Over time, I've realised I don't need to tick every box or follow a set path. I am a transgender woman. That truth came slowly, gently, and with a lot of reflection.

I've also made peace with the fact that I won't be transitioning medically or socially. It's not about giving up — it's about the shape of my life. I don't know what kind of reaction I'd get if I did transition. It frightens me, if I'm honest. And I want to protect the people around me from any hurt. It would also make it almost impossible for me to keep supporting my family in the way I do. So I've chosen a quieter way forward.

My femininity lives in how I feel. In how I move through the world. How I speak, how I care, how I show up. As much as I'd love to, I don't need to prove it outwardly to know it's real. That said, I do hope to find moments — days here and there — where I can step away and present as female. I haven't managed that yet, but I hold the hope gently.

I'm 47 now, and only just starting to feel some kind of peace with it all. I'm not saying everything will be smooth sailing from here—but I feel better. And that's something.

With love,

Mairen

[Sephirah]

Speaking as someone who can't transition for medical reasons, this is a wonderful post, Mairen. And thank you for sharing your journey and the conclusions you've come to about how you want to live your life. I can relate to a lot of it. Especially this:

My femininity lives in how I feel. In how I move through the world. How I speak, how I care, how I show up. As much as I'd love to, I don't need to prove it outwardly to know it's real. That said, I do hope to find moments — days here and there — where I can step away and present as female. I haven't managed that yet, but I hold the hope gently.

When you are who you are, then you can find ways to express that. Even if it isn't the same as others. That doesn't make it less meaningful, or important.

It is real. You are real. You have a gentle vibe, Mairen. And yes I can be a kind of a hippie sometimes but I get feelings from people. I guess you'd call it subconscious cues if you want to be technical. Take what moments you can and enjoy them for as long as you have them. You don't need to prove anything to anyone but yourself. And if you're okay with you then that's all that matters. <3

[Mairen]

Thanks Sephirah, I really appreciate that 💖

[Lori Dee]

My femininity lives in how I feel. In how I move through the world. How I speak, how I care, how I show up. As much as I'd love to, I don't need to prove it outwardly to know it's real.

This EXACTLY.

No matter how you present yourself to the world, there will always be people who do not understand. Some want to, and may try. Most won't bother. The people who matter are not offended, and those who are offended don't matter.

The only person living your life is you, and it is yours to live however you choose.

You nailed it. Welcome to the Sisterhood. 😊

[Mairen]

Thanks Lori, and I really do feel so welcome here 💗

[Northern Star Girl]

@Mairen
Dear Mairen:
Since you very recently became a member of Susan's Place and the Forum I have very much
enjoyed watching your postings around the Forum and reading what you have been saying...
...you have been sharing wonderful affirming words in your postings with our membership.
It is not only helping and supporting some of our members but when you take the time
to write it out it will inevitably be a help to you also.

I will soon be moving your thread "My Journey, so far..." to
the Forum Member Blogs section of the Forum.
      https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,326.0.html

... please allow me to explain:

The "MEMBER BLOGS" on the Forum are not a replacement for private "member/follower" blog sites
that are available elsewhere on the internet. 

What we have on the Forum with Member Blogs is meant to be a HOME for our members to share
about their life journey and  where they can be easily found to get involved in conversation and sharing
of thoughts with their readers, friends and followers on the Forum regarding their life events and future plans... 
          thus providing continuity of discussions.
When your share your good news regarding your journey we will all be rooting for your continued successes...
and when you share your disappointments and not-so-good news we will offer our shoulders for you to
lean on and our ears to listen.

The Forum MEMBER BLOGS are NOT intended to be a "private" place where deep dark secrets and
non-public information is revealed.

We often strongly caution and remind every Susan's Place Forum member to NOT share
private contact information, as the  Internet never forgets ..... 
The Forum NON-Staff-Only Boards postings on the Forum are viewable by non-members and members alike...
and with specific searching on Google or other web search sites, much of what is posted can be found by
just about anyone.

Any questions can be referred to me and/or any Staff Member
of our FORUM Moderator Team
                              @Devlyn                       
                              @LoriDee                         
                              @Sarah B
                              @Jessica_Rose
                              @Mariah

            The FORUM Administrator
                              @Northern Star Girl [Danielle] 

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator  My Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

                cc: @Susan  The Susan's Place Founder and Website Administrator

[Alana Ashleigh]

My femininity lives in how I feel. In how I move through the world. How I speak, how I care, how I show up. As much as I'd love to, I don't need to prove it outwardly to know it's real. That said, I do hope to find moments — days here and there — where I can step away and present as female. I haven't managed that yet, but I hold the hope gently.

Just getting to enjoy small moments of femininity is so satisfying. getting to be yourself is incredibly liberating.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Mairen
Dear Mairen:

Your thread is now located on member blogs.

I took the liberty of changing the subject title of your thread
  from:  My journey, so far...
,    to:  Mairen's Journey, so far...

Enjoy your new blog thread.  Along with me your other avid followers and readers will be
eagerly looking for your postings and updates.

Any questions?  Please feel free to contact me.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
      The Forum Administrator  Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[davina61]

Welcome to the basement dear, my joke as we are right at the bottom of the page!! Good to see another UK girl join the gang. XX

[Lori Dee]

Welcome to your Member Blog, Marien.

We look forward to updates on your journey and other fun stuff you are up to.

[tgirlamg]

Welcome To Your New Blog Mairen 🌻

My femininity lives in how I feel. In how I move through the world. How I speak, how I care, how I show up. As much as I'd love to, I don't need to prove it outwardly to know it's real.

☝️😀 This is the key that opens many doors... everything else is just window dressing to some degree... Whatever degree of transition someone seeks is fine but, the heart of things is the decision to simply "be yourself"... To walk out the door each day without armor... without pretense... and offer the world, life and those you meet... the soul that resides within... It sounds so simple but, it can take us so very long to reach the point where we are prepared to do so...

We can be so fearful of the judgements of others without realizing that vulnerability is also strength...

I know that in the future, if you feel the need for more physical outward expression of self... you will find opportunities to experience that as well!!! 🌻

Wishing You All Good Things Along Your Path Ahead! 🌻

Also, leaving you a snippet of Walt Whitman to fuel your journey. It speaks to finding yourself, your place in the world and amongst others along life's journey!

"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me."

Onward We Go Brave Sister! 🌻

Ashley 💕