Charlotte's gender perspectives

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Is it weird or unusual that I don't feel any internal gender but am compelled to femininity as it just feels so good...so comfortable...so safe?  I got to 43 with no major dysphoria when I was male, but just felt I was naturally evolving into a women organically. I just followed my feelings and it really feels right.

However in hindsight there were many elements of my life where I acted and lived with a female like bias despite being male. But like I said thinking now I just feel agender e.g. just me. For family etc the idea of changing gender is s big deal, but to me it's easy a decision as deciding I want to change job. I dunno if I'm just odd having such a casual view of my life.

I think I just have a very fluid and short term attitude to life. Living each moment and whim because tomorrow is so uncertain.  I have no issues but I struggle to explain myself to family who are terrified how quickly I'm moving. But i have no regrets for anything I've decided to do ever.  I accept every part of  my life gives me something.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

I struggle to find a frame of reference to understand internal gender feelings. I see that gender is often defined by physical characteristics, personality traits, fashion, presentation etc. But these are not certainties and mostly preconceptions prescribed by society. In  my mind these make personality rather than gender.

In a way from my minds view gender ceases to exist and a singular set of personality traits and physical characteristics remain. This more closely fits my internal view...just definitions and feelings of me. I don't profess any of this to be fact. Just my experience of being.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I don't think it is weird at all. I view gender as a facet of our spirit, an aspect of our soul.

When I was very young, I did not feel like a boy or a girl, even though I was told I was one. I recognized that humans are spirits that have living bodies, and those bodies are very different from one another. At that time, my feelings and sense of self would be called agender, but I didn't think about it, nor were there any terms to describe it.

As we grew up and hormones decided to play with our bodies, I became very alarmed that mine was not following the path that I expected it to. Others around me seemed unconcerned about theirs and even looked forward to a future of sex. I didn't know if they were okay with the changes they were experiencing, or if they were not in touch with their inner spirit, and did not know the difference.

It wasn't until I got into therapy that I had a chance to talk to someone who understands what gender identity is. It is not how we act, speak, look, or dress. Those are expressions of what we feel we are inside.

When society or circumstances force us to behave, speak, look, or dress in a way that is not in alignment with our inner spirit, disharmony results. Many people do not feel it or are not aware of it. For you, it is not the disharmony you feel, but the harmony you feel when you are doing something in alignment with your inner self. That is equally significant. It is an inner guide showing you the path.

It is not about male or female, masculine or feminine. Those are terms used to describe a concept for others to help them understand. But for those who do not experience the difference (dysphoria or euphoria), there is no frame of reference, so they don't understand. If you have never given birth, you cannot know what it is like to experience that. You can understand the words and concepts used to describe it, but that is not the same as experiencing it for yourself.

I think you are doing a good thing by exploring these feelings to understand where they come from and what they mean. Getting to know yourself is never a bad idea. Keep at it, and one day someone will say something that clicks for you. And all the puzzle pieces will fall right into place.

[davina61]

I just had to get rid of the dangly bits, now I am just myself. The same self I always was .

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

As part of my day job as a lighting engineer I occasionally work on construction sites. The last few days this has been the case. I recently announced my new name at work to all clients including those on this site. Now I knew for certain that once this hit the site office cabin I would be the hot topic. I don't mind...these places run on banter which as long as friendly, tactful and measured I'm good with. Still I was a little worried turning up the first time since this news.

Well, it's been brilliant. Everyone has called my Charlotte with no issues and I still feel very respected. The electrician I work with asked if I minded answering questions for him. He was curious about my experiences and journey so I happily shared. I think this is good as these people could be allies for others having taken time to understand my journey.

One person was quote funny. A guy from the building mechanical team had heard about me as made a point to meet me! Like I said, I'm sure I was juicy gossip for a while. Asked "are you Charlotte". Now when I said yes he looked so very happy to see me and again asked if I minded sharing about changing names, gender etc and how hard it is. He was genuine; I can tell sarcasm etc so there is no malice. But he wasn't great at his use of words as described me as a "curiosity" in relation to wanting to know about me. To be honest I found it hilarious where I know it could be taken offensively to some!

I genuinely think he and others wanted to know about me so that's OK. I also understand that in these places a sign of someone liking you is to show interest and have a laugh with you or at your expense. When they don't like you they don't interact and are very cold.

As it stands I'm very comfortable working there, I'm respected and hope that for many meeting a trans women for the first time has normalized our existence as women working and living just as they are. Fitting into the team but still having that individuality.

[Lori Dee ✅]

That is wonderful news! I, too, worked construction for years, so I am familiar with the behavior. As a member of the electricians' union (IBEW), there was often friendly in-fighting. But as you said, you can tell when it is friendly jesting or they just don't like you.

I am happy it went so well. When they ask serious questions, we need to give them good explanations. As you said, they could become an ally for us, or others that they meet. For all you know, their teenager just came out to them, so they have questions. That makes you the resident expert. Good job!

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Everyone

When I was young, I never even thought I was a "boy or girl" or, I never "asserted my gender" as far as I can recall.  So like your description, "I don't feel any internal gender", this seems to be true.  It was not until I was about 51 years old and 19 years after my surgery that I finally realized that I was a female and expressed it here on Susan's.

The funny thing is, I still do not express or talk about my gender in real life, except here on Susan's occasionally, because for me there is no need.  It is given that I'm a female and that is what society sees.  It's only recently, that in hindsight I realized that when I approached a pile of mixed clothing with trepidation at the age of four or five looking for female clothing that I have always been a female. 

I was not compelled to "femininity" as I was inherently female and when I dressed as a female later on during my twenties, "it felt right".  Yes, during my twenties, my desire to become a female grew stronger and stronger, until I changed my life around.  Eventually the desire to be a female was no longer in my thoughts.  Why?  I was living my life as a female, even though I did not know this at the time.  Like you, I never suffered from any gender or body dysphoria and this still perplexes me to this day as to why.  Even so I went through with surgery to align my body and I wanted to function like any other female in society.  I think the simplest answer to this conundrum is, "I was a female and I have always been a female".

There were elements in my life where those female traits surfaced, but I never thought to bury or suppress them.  Hence no dysphoria.  This brings me to the possibility I also had no dysphoria.  Because I was not "changing" my gender and inherently or instinctively, I knew this without really consciously thinking about it.  Family was not around so there was no pressure upon me to conform and luckily for me they accept me unconditionally,  I don't know what would have happened if I did not do what I did.

When I consider that 36 years have passed since I changed my life around, my life has been normal.  Even the two years before surgery were just like any other day like today.  I took on the physical characteristics, fashion, presentation as if they had always been there and I never changed who I was fundamentally.  I have never ever regretted what I have done and I have achieved far more than I ever did in becoming who I am today.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Charlotte_Ringwood @Lori Dee @davina61

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Thanks for sharing your similar experiences Sarah. So much of that resonates with me too, although I've still got some more soul searching to really understand this part of myself.

Like you though I really just did what I wanted and presented as I wanted even in boy mode. Funnily I've revceived more verbal abuse from strangers before transition than after, as I never presented as a man is expected to. Now it's like everything aligns and people see that.

I never felt I fitted into male groups well though and always felt an outsider, but in female groups I tended to gel and relax.

Charlotte x

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

This is me in literally my favorite dress right now! I love cute dresses.

[Lori Dee ✅]

You're adorable!

That color really suits you.

Thanks for sharing.