Hi Pugs4life,
I flagged you as a significant other so that you and other significant others can find each other.
I am really glad you decided to reach out and share what is happening. You have come to a place where people understand what gender dysphoria is and how deeply it can affect not only the person coming out, but everyone close to them. What you are feeling right now – the shock, the grief, the confusion, the depression and anxiety – all of it is real, all of it matters, and all of it is completely understandable. News like this can change the shape of the future you thought you were headed toward, and it takes time to find your balance again.
It has also not been very long. Your spouse was diagnosed in August and came out to you in mid-September. That is a matter of weeks for something that touches every part of your life and identity. You absolutely do not need to know yet whether you can be in a same-sex marriage, or what you will want years from now. Right now, it is enough to focus on what you can cope with today, and maybe tomorrow. "I do not know if I can do this" and "I want to try" can both be honest answers at this stage.
There is something I want you to hear clearly: your feelings and your needs are just as important as your spouse's. When someone transitions, a lot of attention quite rightly goes to the person who is coming out, but it is very easy for the partner's emotional world to get pushed into the background. You have lost your footing too. You are allowed to feel hurt, scared, angry, sad, or numb, even while you are trying to be supportive. None of that makes you a bad partner or an unsupportive person.
Many partners find it helpful to think of this as two parallel journeys: your spouse's gender transition, and your own emotional transition. They have had years, often a lifetime, to wrestle with their feelings before speaking them aloud. You have had weeks. You can care very much about your spouse and still be unsure about what this means for your marriage. You can want to keep the relationship and still struggle with the idea of a same-sex marriage. Those truths can sit side by side. This is not about choosing sides; it is about finding something that is sustainable and healthy for both of you.
You also mentioned depression and anxiety, and I want to take that seriously. Those are not small things; they are signs that your system is under a lot of strain. If you can, I strongly encourage you to find a therapist or counselor for yourself, ideally someone who has experience with transgender issues and with partners of transgender people. Not couples counseling right now, but a space that is just for you. You need somewhere you can say the hard, messy, honest things you might not feel able to say to your spouse, family, or friends, without having to protect anyone else's feelings while you are still trying to understand your own.
The question of the marriage is a big one, and it is at the center of what you wrote: both of you have said you want to stay married, but you are not sure if you can be in a same-sex relationship. That is the heart of what many partners go through. You do not have to force an answer before you are ready. Over time, some people find that what they are attracted to is this particular person, regardless of gender; others discover that their sexual orientation and comfort level mean they cannot continue as romantic partners, even if they still care deeply about each other. Both paths can be honest and loving outcomes. Sometimes staying together is an act of love; sometimes changing the shape of the relationship, or separating, is also an act of love and respect, allowing both people to live more fully.
For now, it can help to focus on small, manageable steps instead of trying to solve the whole future at once. Talking with your spouse about pace, boundaries, and what you are and are not ready for yet can make things feel a little less overwhelming. It is okay to say, "I need to go slowly," or "I am trying, but this is hard for me." It is also okay to step back for a bit when everything feels like too much. You are allowed to protect your own emotional safety.
You said that you do not want to feel so alone in this and that you hope to connect with people who are going through it or have been through it. That is exactly what this section of the forum is for. There are partners here whose marriages continued, partners whose marriages changed form, and partners who decided to part ways, and many of them have stood in the place you are standing now. I hope you will keep posting as you feel able, and read some of their stories. Sometimes just knowing that other people have walked this road and survived it can make it feel a little less impossible.
Whatever happens, your well-being matters. Your spouse's transition is important, and so are your heart, your mental health, your sense of safety, and your ability to live a life that feels true to you.
You do not have to carry this alone. We are listening, and you are welcome here.
— Susan
