New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Susan ✅]

Hi Amy,

Reading your updates together, I can see how intentionally you're doing this — one step, one breath, one clear piece of ground at a time. That's exactly the kind of progress that lasts. You've stopped trying to carry the whole mountain and instead you're choosing the next solid foothold and standing there until it feels steady. I'm proud of you for that.

The appointment on the 17th is a major milestone for both of you. It makes perfect sense to feel anxious even while Cynthia is excited — two true feelings can sit side by side. She's waited a lifetime for this, and her joy is beautiful. Your experience matters just as much. Loving her doesn't cancel the ache of change; it simply gives you a reason to keep walking through it with care.

I'm grateful you keep reminding yourself this is not the same story as the one your heart remembers. You're not being abandoned; you're being invited into a new chapter with the same person you love. When you wrote that you're "learning to love each other in a new light," you named the work exactly. Love isn't disappearing — it's adapting and finding new language.

I smiled repeatedly as I read about your counseling experience because I'd quietly predicted you would hear many of the same coping mechanisms and progressive steps there that we've talked about here. That tells me you're moving in a healthy direction, building a strong foundation that's being reinforced from every side. I'm really glad you have a therapist who gets it — and I want you to know that you're absolutely free to share any of my posts with her if it helps. In fact, it might be worth letting her read what you've written here yourself. It will help her see not only your fears, but also the progress you're making.

Your counselor affirmed something we've practiced: small steps are the way through. One bite at a time is how overwhelming things become survivable. What she described as "fight or flight" makes complete sense. Even when our minds understand that a change is good, our nervous systems can react as if the familiar has been pulled away. That doesn't mean you're resisting Cynthia; it means you're feeling the loss of what was familiar. Naming that reaction is the first step to soothing it.

About journaling — lean into it gently. You don't need perfect sentences or tidy paragraphs. Start anywhere and let it be honest: "I love..." or "I hate..." and then work through those thoughts. I love her courage. I hate feeling lost. I love how her smile is freer. I hate that my stomach knots when I see change. Let it come out as a jumble if that's what it is. Writing isn't about making sense first; it's about letting the noise leave your head long enough for meaning to start forming on the page. Processing happens through the words, not before them. If writing jams up, record a 30-second voice note and let yourself speak without editing. One clear thought captured can quiet the rest long enough for your system to settle.

When your mind feels crowded and loud, keep practicing what already helps: give just one thought your full attention, and let the next one wait its turn. Presence isn't silencing the noise; it's choosing which voice to listen to right now.

You also shared how hard it is to see Cynthia without the beard. That's honest and human; it doesn't make you unsupportive. One gentle way to meet that discomfort is to anchor every new change to something that hasn't moved: her laugh is still her laugh; we still make coffee together every morning; she still squeezes my hand three times. Those ordinary constants become handholds while the rest of the landscape shifts. Pair them with small grounding rituals — the same mug, the familiar walk, the playlist that lets you breathe. Safety often starts in the body before it reaches the mind.

Your counselor was right that this is life-saving for Cynthia. What's changing isn't who she is — it's that the outside is finally catching up to the inside you've known all along. That alignment doesn't erase your work; it gives your work purpose. And hearing that your counselor validated the support you've found here means a great deal to me. You sought out connection, shared honestly, and let others lift you when the weight was heavy. In doing so, you've become part of the support system that helps others, too.

You asked how people handle change. Everyone has a different language for it, but many of us do best when we pair each new, tender thing with one steady thing: a routine we can keep, a truth we can name, a relationship habit that remains. We let ourselves grieve what's shifting, and we celebrate what's enduring. We take the next right step, even without a perfect map.

As the 17th approaches, hold on to this: you are not losing her. You are both learning, patiently and imperfectly, to love each other in a new light. The woman she is becoming is the truest version of the person you already love. Through every anxious moment, every tear, and every quiet victory, you are not walking alone. I'm here, and this community is here, for the crowded-mind days and the peaceful ones that follow.

Keep grounding yourself in the small, steady things. Keep writing, even when it's messy. Keep giving yourself permission not to have it all figured out yet. Love doesn't break under change — it bends, reshapes, and, in time, becomes stronger.

With love, pride, and deep respect,
— Susan 💜

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Amy,

Glad to hear your appointment went well. One of the benefits of Susan's Place is the hundreds, or even thousands, of people who come here and share their stories. If you consider how many of us have spent years in therapy handling these types of situations, you can understand why professionals agree with what we say. It is just things we learned from other professionals over decades (in total) of therapy.

The reason journaling is so helpful is that you must think about what to write before you can write it. Your mind focuses on the thought and begins to organize your thoughts so that you can write a sentence about it. Focusing on one thought at a time helps keep you focused and prevents other thoughts from interfering and getting you sidetracked. Try writing the thought at the top of the page so you can keep looking at it and stay with that topic. If a new topic pops up, put that on a different page. Go back to it later.

Don't worry about being resistant to change. All humans resist change. We like our "comfort zone" and don't like being pushed out of it. This is normal human behavior. When I am forced to change something (I recently moved out of state), I think about what it is about that that bothers me. Most of the time, it is Fear of the Unknown. We don't know what will happen, and we fear the worst. We play "What If..." games in our minds, and it can drive us crazy! To combat Fear of the Unknown, do exactly what you are doing now: Learn. The more you know about something, the less fear you will have.

As a kid growing up in the California desert, I was scared to death of snakes. I had nightmares almost every night. One day on a class field trip, we visited the Desert Research Station, and they had every kind of snake local to the area. I was terrified. The Ranger asked me about my fear, and he told me the reason I was afraid was that I didn't know the difference between a poisonous snake and a non-poisonous snake. So he taught me. I never had that fear again, and even volunteered at the station where I was handling snakes of all kinds.

The problem here is that we cannot know all there is to know about the future. So the Fear of the Unknown will always rear its head. This is where faith plays its role. Faith in yourself that you will get through this. Faith in your spouse that they want you at their side throughout the process. And faith that you are not alone in this, because many people have walked this path and are cheering you on.

My dad says that 90% of the things we worry about never happen. So don't waste time worrying.

Something that I learned long ago: If you look back on your life, you have faced some really hard times. And yet, not one of them has beaten you! You are still here. I submit that you will never face any challenge that you cannot beat, as long as you don't give up.

Thanks for sharing about your appointment. It means a lot to us, too.

[Pema]

Amy, you continue to amaze me. I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever seen anybody handle such a huge life change with so much openness, integrity, and grace. Keep in mind that very few people experience something like this often in a lifetime, so nobody really gets the opportunity to "get good" at it. If and when it does happen, we have to deal with our own enormous discomfort at the same time as we try to navigate the situation that brought it about. Who is good at that? And yet here you are, showing up and working through it in exactly the way you need to. I'm humbled by your strength.

Susan has already made some phenomenal observations and recommendations. In particular, I think this is perfectly stated:

You're not being abandoned; you're being invited into a new chapter with the same person you love.

The clarity of that truth cannot be overstated. When Cynthia came out to you, she wrote this:

I cannot express in words what an absolute angel that woman is. I can only hope that her support continues as she begins to see the woman revealed.

And later she added this:

Yes, I have found a therapist. I've been working with her the past few weeks and will continue to work with her. Honestly, it was her just confirming that what I was experiencing was gender dysphoria, that gave me the courage to finally admit who I am, to the most important person in my life, my wife. I must admit, after some of our recent conversations, I've never felt closer to her. I certainly do want her involved and my intention is to have her attend upcoming sessions as my therapist and her see to be beneficial.

There is no question that she wants you right there with her. So it sounds like you two want the same thing; it's just a matter of adapting to a new way to be herself fully.

You mentioned that you don't feel like you've been "fighting back." I wonder if those words evoke too specific a meaning and that "resistance" wouldn't be a simpler way to think of it. It's pretty natural for us to encounter a situation that isn't what we expected or wanted and find ourselves in resistance to it. "No, I don't want this." "This isn't what was supposed to happen." "I wasn't ready for this." But reality is whatever it is, and sometimes that is really different from our expectations. Resisting reality just makes the experience that much harder for us and potentially for others. There comes a point when surrendering and accepting is a more effective approach, maybe the only option.

I say this from direct experience. At the beginning of this year, I got hit with a life-shaking bombshell. I didn't sleep for 3 days and felt unsure what to do about anything. My wife recommended that I read Eckhart Tolle's "Stillness Speaks" - something she'd asked me to do years earlier, but I, well... I had resisted. I read it very slowly, making sure I absorbed every sentence, and I quickly began to get it. I was too much in my mind, living my life from a template of how I thought I'm supposed to be, how other people should be, how life ought to be. And none of those things were exactly as my mind conceived them, so I was always in some way or another resisting what is actually true. The solution is very simply (though not simply does not mean easily) to shed that nonsense about shoulds, surrender to what is, and accept that what is actually happening is what life actually is. I realized that what that meant for me in practice was living my life from my heart instead of from my head. As crazy as it may sound, it was when I began doing that that it became crystal clear to me that I am a woman. I can tell you that I've never been happier than I am now, but that's not what I think is the important part. It's that I am at peace in a way that I never knew was possible. I accept that the world is the way that it is, and I find this entire experience of life as a human to be utterly miraculous - even when my best-laid plans go completely sideways.

That's a long way of saying that "fighting back" can take many forms, but I think they all come from a place of resisting what is. Seeing that and learning to let it go is a huge challenge that far too many people never confront in their lives.

I also second Susan's suggestions about journaling. You don't need to do it for anyone but yourself, so it can be as messy as it needs to be. I know I have times when I'll have a clear thought or feeling and then later can't remember or recreate it. If I'd just had a couple of words written down, I'd have been able to look at and maybe pick up where I left off. Sometimes when I read things I wrote even yesterday, I'll think, "What did I mean by that?" Then I'll explore it a bit more inside myself and come up with one more detail or example that helps flesh it out a bit more. Digging around inside yourself to observe how your heart works, how your mind works, and how they work together or against each other is challenging, but it's so worth it. All too often, we find that we've been operating for decades on "instincts" that were developed in response to stimuli during our early lives, and they're not only no longer necessary but they're actually impeding our growth and success.

So, Amy, again I say: You are doing this so beautifully. Please be gentle with yourself. Show yourself the same love and patience that you do to Cynthia and to your children. You deserve that.

Thank you again.

Pema

[Pugs4life]

Hi Susan,

I am intentionally reminding myself to take one step, one breath at a time.  When my anxiety wants to know all the answers and figure everything out now, I have to stop it and remind myself to shrink that frame back down and focus on one thing at a time. I really like how you say that "one bite at a time it how overwhelming things become survivable".  Things definitely become more manageable when they are broken down into smaller pieces.  It means so much to me that you are proud of me.  Thank you for that. 

Thank you for reminding me that two true feelings can sit side by side; that I can feel anxious even while Cynthia is excited. Her joy is beautiful to see and I don't want to take any of that joy from her.  She has waited so long for this to happen and I am truly happy for her and also have the ache of change within me. 

I find myself needing to remind myself frequently that this is not the same story that my heart remembers.  I am truly honored to be invited into a new chapter with Cynthia.  I am grateful she trusts me enough to have me along this journey with her. 

It is really good to hear you say that I am moving in the right direction and building a foundation that is being reinforced on all sides.  It is because of all of you on here that I am able to move through the fog and see the light.  I am hopeful that this counselor will be helpful to me.  Thank you for your permission to share your posts with my counselor.  I think it would be a great idea to also have her read my posts on here.   

I think that is how my nervous system is reacting-as if the familiar has been pulled away from me.  I am resisting losing what I know and not resisting Cynthia.  Thank you for pointing that out.

I will begin to journal gently.  I really like starting with the thoughts of "I love" or "I hate".  That gives me a starting point to get my thoughts out of my head and down on paper.  I also like the idea of recording a voice note if I cannot write.  I think that would really help me. I will try to give just one thought my attention at a time. 

Yeah, it is really hard for me to see my spouse without the beard and also to see her growing out her hair.  I will try to meet this discomfort by anchoring these new changes to something that hasn't moved.  That really helps to do that.  I will also do the small grounding rituals that you mentioned. 

Cynthia was just explaining to me today how it felt like she had been in a prison and not finally feels like she is being set free. I know she has struggled for so long in such a dark place and how life saving this transition really is for her.  I never thought to look at it as the outside is finally catching up to the inside that I have known all along.  It definitely helps to see it that way. 

I have found beautiful support here and am so happy that the counselor saw that and validated that.  I truly don't know what I would do without all of you.  I hope to one day being able to offer others the same support I have and do receive. 

Thank you for that beautiful explanation on how to handle change.  I love how you say to pair each new thing with one steady thing.  And to let myself grieve what is shifting and celebrate what is enduring.  I also need to remember to take the next step even though I don't have a perfect map. 

As Cynthia's appointment approaches, I will hold onto the truth that I am not losing her.  I will try to remember that we are learning to love each other in a new light. Thank you as well for reminding me that I am not walking alone. You and this beautiful community are here.  That means the world to me.  Thank you Susan.

With love and gratitude,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori Dee,

I am so grateful for all you on here and for sharing your experiences with me and words of wisdom and encouragement.  I know so many here have walked this journey before me and I am so thankful for this space where they can come and share that experience with others.  I have already learned so much. 

Thank you for sharing with me why journaling is so helpful.  I am hopeful that journaling will slow my thoughts down enough to get them on paper.  I really like the idea of writing the thought at the top of the page.  I am definitely going to try that. 

I find that I am so resistant to change.  I do like my comfort zone and don't like being pushed out of it.  Thank you for affirming that it is normal behavior.  Fear of the Unknown is huge.  I play the "what if" games in my head constantly right now Lori.  Thank you for telling me how to combat that fear of the unknown.  I will continue to learn as much as I can.  Thank you for your example of your fear with the snakes.  I appreciate it. 

You are so right...there is no way to know all there is to know about the future.  That fear of the unknown will always be there.  I will remember that this is where faith comes in. I really like what your Dad says: "90% of the things we worry about never happen. So don't waste time worrying".  Those are very wise words to live by.

Thank you for sharing with me what you learned: that when you look back on your life, you have faced some really hard times but no one of them has beaten you!  I will remember that and try to remember that I will never face any challenge that I cannot beat as long as I don't give up.  Thank you for those words and your support.  It means so much to me. 

With warmth and thanks,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi Pema,

Thank you once again for your beautiful words and your faith in me.  It means more than you know.  That is really something good to keep in my mind-that very few people experience something like this in their lives so no one really gets the opportunity to get good at it.  I am dealing with my discomfort at the same time trying to navigate my spouse's transition.  I don't feel very strong right now Pema.

I really like how Susan said that too; that I am not being abandoned but that I am being invited into a new chapter with Cynthia.  I am so humbled by the words Cynthia wrote when she came out to me.  I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful words.  I want to be right there with her throughout her transition journey. 

Resistance is a simpler way to think of it versus fighting back.  I have thought all of those thoughts that you listed.  My new reality is very different from my expectations.  You are right;  I am going to have to stop resisting my new reality and surrender and accept it.  Thank you so much for sharing your most recent experience with me Pema.  I really appreciate you doing that.  I find that I am now too much in my mind right now. I really like how you said that for you in practice meant living your life from the heart instead of the head.  That is really beautiful.  Thank you for the name of the book your read and the author's name.  It sounds like a really
good book to read. I am so happy for you that you have never been happier and are at peace in a way that you never knew was possible.  That makes my heart happy to hear that. 

I think you are absolutely right.  Fighting back comes from a place of resisting what is. That is the challenge for me right now.  I need to confront that. 

Thank you for your confirmation that journaling is a good idea.  Thank you too for sharing your experience with journaling with me.  It helps to hear all of that. 

Thank you so much Pema for your very kind words and your vote of confidence in me  Some days I am not sure I am handling this very well at all.  Your words mean so much to me. 

With love,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

I was too much in my mind, living my life from a template of how I thought I'm supposed to be, how other people should be, how life ought to be. And none of those things were exactly as my mind conceived them, so I was always in some way or another resisting what is actually true. The solution is very simply (though not simply does not mean easily) to shed that nonsense about shoulds, surrender to what is, and accept that what is actually happening is what life actually is. I realized that what that meant for me in practice was living my life from my heart instead of from my head. As crazy as it may sound, it was when I began doing that that it became crystal clear to me that I am a woman. I can tell you that I've never been happier than I am now, but that's not what I think is the important part. It's that I am at peace in a way that I never knew was possible. I accept that the world is the way that it is, and I find this entire experience of life as a human to be utterly miraculous - even when my best-laid plans go completely sideways. 

That's a long way of saying that "fighting back" can take many forms, but I think they all come from a place of resisting what is. Seeing that and learning to let it go is a huge challenge that far too many people never confront in their lives.

Hi Pema,

After reading through your post again, I have a question.  How do I surrender to what is and accept that what is actually happening is what life actually is?  How do I accept my new reality and not resist it?  How do I let go of resisting what is?  You mentioned that you what that meant for you in practice was to live life from your heart instead of from your head. How do you live life from the heart instead of from the head? 

Thank you for any advice/input you have.  My apologies if you already answered these questions in your last post and I overlooked your answers. 

With love,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi and welcome 💛

It think it really shows your strength that you're choosing to work through this with your husband. That's not easy, and it says a lot about the love between you. I'm so glad you've got an appointment to speak to a therapist — that's such a good step. You don't need to feel alone in this. There are so many lovely people here who truly understand and will meet you with kindness. I've found support here too, in my own situation, and I hope you'll feel that soon, one gentle step at a time.

With love,

Mairen

Hi Mairen, 

I apoligize that I didn't respond sooner to your post. I just saw it.  I feel so bad for not responding sooner. 

Thank you so much for your post welcoming me and your kind words.  I remain committed to working through this with my spouse. Thank you for the confirmation that speaking with therapist is a good step to take.  I agree that it was a very important step to take.   I have been met with such kindness and love on here.  Everyone has been so great.  It has been a life line for me.  I am so very glad to hear that you have support here too in your own situation.  I look forward to engaging with you on here. 

Thank you again for your post.

Warmly,
Amy

[Pema]

Hi, Amy.

How to do those things... That's the real challenge, isn't it? I can't do justice to what Eckhart Tolle says in "Stillness Speaks," so I definitely encourage you to read it and really try to feel and practice what he describes in it.

Meanwhile, here's what I took away from it and what really opened things up for me.

• When you experience that familiar anxiety, become aware of it and observe it closely - as if you're an impartial observer watching someone else. Notice what you feel in your body and where.
• Try not to judge it as "bad." Just allow it to be, but bring it forward from your reactive subconscious to your very present-in-the-moment conscious. "Oh, there it is. Look at what I'm doing."
• Also ask yourself: Am I fully here in the present moment, or am I allowing my mind to carry me into the past or the future? (Neither the past nor the future actually exist. All we ever have is this moment.) If you are in your mind at some other time, you are essentially not engaging in what is actually occurring right now but are instead fantasizing about something that isn't happening.
• Now ask yourself: Is my doing this serving me? Is it serving anyone else?
• Finally, ask yourself: Can I just stop engaging in it? Can I let it go and be fully present in this moment (where there really is no actual "problem")?
• Then just practice letting it go and being present with what is right there in front of you instead of engaging with the stories your mind wants you to worry about.

The specifics of my circumstances were different from yours, but the process was the same. I got to watch myself "do what I always do" and decided that I didn't want to do it anymore. It doesn't come naturally, because most of us are sleepwalking, living our lives through the stories that we were told about who we were and that we internalized and continued to tell ourselves. The truth is that we have the opportunity to respond to every moment from our heart with integrity, but we can't do that if we're lost in our heads imagining a reality that doesn't exist.

It takes practice. Except for a small handful of people, nobody just flips a switch and does this from that point forward. First you have to see yourself doing your routine and realize that you are getting in your own way. In time, I would start to see the very early signs of my emotional reactions, and I would just stop what I was doing and cry - partly because I recognized how rigid and automated I had been and the ways that that had harmed my relationships with people who loved me, and partly because a doorway was now wide-open in front of me, and all I had to do was walk through it and be who I really am. And who I really am is a wide-awake, fully present person, not someone living in a fantasy of supposed-to-bes.

So there is no shortcut. You just have to observe yourself, ask whether you want to keep doing what you're doing to yourself, and stop doing what isn't working for you.

When I started shedding what didn't serve me, it left an enormous void in my sense of who I was. For 61 years, I'd lived my life seeing myself as "this way," and suddenly a big chunk of that was just gone. Without my doing anything about it, I felt as if out of nowhere, unconditional love rushed in to fill that space. What I learned was that I had been actively shutting out this amazing experience of joy by clinging to a false story about myself and my life. I don't ever want to do that again, but I will if I allow myself to go back to sleep. It's all about being here, now, present with what is.

But again, Eckhart spells much more clearly than I can.

I wish you the very best on this path to knowing yourself and allowing yourself to grow beyond the bounds of conditioning that your life has imposed on you. I have absolutely no doubt that you are up to the task. We are cheering for you.

Love,
Pema

[Pugs4life]

Hi Pema,

It is certainly a challenge to do those things.  I will get the book "Stillness Speaks".  Thank you for the recommendation.

Thank you so much for sharing with me what you took away from the book and what really opened things up for you.  Those are some great techniques to use and I really look forward to reading the book. 

I love the idea of responding to each moment from the heart and not our head. It is definitely going to take some practice on my part.  I get so lost in my head sometimes that I can't see clearly.  That is the fog that Susan refers to. I find myself living in the "supposed-to-bes" alot.

I really like how you said that you shed what didn't serve you.  Thank you so much for sharing that process with me.  It is truly heart warming and encouraging to me.  I also like how you said that it is about being present with what is.  I can see that my mind does go back to the past and tries to predict the future.   

Thank you so much for sharing everything that you did with me. I wish I had the words to give a more meaningful response to such a beautiful reply from you.   

Thank you for your very kind words.  I do want to know myself and allow myself to grow. Thank you for being there and for cheering me on.  It means so much to me.

With love,
Amy