Pugs4life - New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Jillian-TG]

If there's a silver lining here - or at least a fact that can dilute the seriousness of the topic at hand is that it's a slow moving reality. There's no magic wand that will instantly transform your husband into a woman overnight. This can take years. It will be a slow process and that means you will have lots of time to digest things as they move along.

You won't have to deal with massive change in a crazy short amount of time. So try to remind yourself that time is your friend here.

[Pugs4life]

Hi Jillian,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me.  It really helps me to hear you confirm that this is slow moving process and that I will have lots of time to digest things.  That it can take years.

I will try to remember that time is my friend and that massive change won't happen in a short amount of time.  Thank you for that reassurance. 

Warmly,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

I want to show you something. You said you haven't found the words yet - but sweetie, read your own post back to yourself. The words are already there. You've been writing them this whole time.

Look at what you said:

• "I want to lift that emotional weight off of her shoulders."
• "I do not want her to be shrinking herself at all."
• "I don't want her hiding her joy from me."
• "My fear is about my process and not about her."

Amy, those ARE the words. You don't need to find them - you need to say them. Out loud. To Cynthia. Exactly like that.

You could sit down with her tonight and say: "Cynthia, I need you to hear something. I don't want you shrinking yourself for me. I don't want you hiding your joy from me. When I'm struggling, that's about MY process - it's not about you. I want to lift this weight off your shoulders."

That's it. That's what she needs to hear. And you already wrote it.

The truth cards are wonderful - you took an idea and made it yours. That's not following advice, that's growth. You're building your own toolkit now.

As for supporting her publicly on the forum - you can start simple. When she posts something, you might say: "I'm proud of you for sharing this" or "I'm right here with you" or even just "My wife, everyone😘" You don't need a speech. You just need to show up visibly beside her.

You have everything you need, Amy. You just have to trust yourself enough to use it.

With love,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

Thank you so much for helping me to see what I could't see in my last post. That the words to say to Cynthia were there but I overlooked them.  Thank you for guiding me on what Cynthia needs to hear from me.  I want to make sure I am supporting her in a way that she needs me to and that feels good to her. 

I will be sure to sit down with Cynthia and tell her that I don't want her shrinking herself for me or hiding her joy from me.  I will explain that when I am struggling it's about my process and not about her. 

I can't thank you enough for all of the tools you have given me to use.  I am using them all Susan.  I am trying so hard to walk through this fog towards those lights that everyone is holding up for me. 

Thank you for giving me examples that I could say to Cynthia on the forum.  I want to show up visibly beside her. 

Thank you again for believing in me Susan. 

With much love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

I hear all those repeated thank yous. Now I need you to hear something back — because you're not giving yourself nearly enough credit.

It wasn't that I saw something you couldn't. You saw it first—you wrote those words yourself in your reply to me. As I said, they were already there.

I didn't give you what to say to Cynthia. You knew what she needed to hear. What you wrote came out of your love and care for her. You just wanted to confirm you weren't wrong. And you weren't—your instincts were absolutely correct. Trust your instincts.

You're not just walking toward lights other people are holding. The real light guiding you is coming from inside. That's all you, Amy—showing up, walking the hard miles in your own shoes. Keep walking. You're doing this.

You have the strength. I can see it. But strength by itself isn't enough—you have to build the confidence to trust it. That's what we're here for—holding up mirrors, reflecting your own light and wisdom back at you so you can build your own confidence. We're cheering you on as you walk the path. But we can't walk it for you.

The tools? You're the one picking them up. You're the one using them. I can hand someone a hammer all day long—it doesn't build anything until they swing it.

I believe in you because you keep showing me who you are. That's not my faith creating something from nothing. That's me seeing what's already there.

With love!
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

I did need to know that what to say to Cynthia was the right thing to say.  I need that confirmation that I wasn't wrong.  I just want to make sure that I am supporting Cynthia in the right ways and not say anything wrong or offend her in any way. 

I will try to keep walking forward Susan.  Today has been particularly hard for me.  I am feeling very overwhelmed right now.  I am using my grounding tools but you had mentioned in one of your earlier posts that it was ok to post on here when I was feeling overwhelmed. 

I really don't feel very strong right now.  I do need to build the confidence to see that strength that you can see in me.  How do I build that confidence to trust the strength?  I know this is a road that I have to walk myself; no one can walk it for me.  I am just so grateful to have this community to walk with me. 

With love,
Amy

[Lori Dee ✅]

Amy,

It is okay to feel overwhelmed at times. It happens to all of us for many reasons.

Sometimes it is because many things are happening at once, and our subconscious mind is trying to understand it all. It looks like a bunch of messy papers on the floor, and your mind is trying to figure out which filing cabinet they need to go into.

Sometimes, it isn't really a lot of things happening, but only one. It is only one piece of paper that is a list of things that you are trying to make sense of. When things are related to each other like that, we think there are many things on that list, but really, it is only one thing: one piece of paper.

Don't force it. Relax. Your mind will work in the background on the issues without you even thinking about them. This is where your grounding tools come in handy. They remind you that you do not need to worry about it right now. Focus on something else for a while.

There are three things you can do to help.

1. Change your thoughts. Just think about something else. Use your grounding tools and pay attention to what is really happening right now.
2. Change your activity. Instead of focusing on the issues, watch a movie, play a game, listen to music, or take a nap or a nice warm bubble bath.
3. Change your environment. Go for a walk, go shopping, take a drive, or visit a friend or relative. It is okay to step away from this now and then.

You have been very busy working hard on this every day. Take a break. Nothing will change in the meantime. You can revisit it when your mind is refreshed.

Have faith that you have the strength to do this. Throughout your life, you have faced bigger issues than this. Not one of them beat you. We know this because you are still here. Pro Tip: You will never face any problem that can beat you. All you have to do is not give up. Taking a break from something so you can tackle it later when you are refreshed is not giving up. It gives you strength, so you are stronger to hit it again next time. Even race car drivers take breaks in the middle of the race.

Go easy on yourself. You got this.

Hugs!

Lori Dee

[CynthiaR]

I did need to know that what to say to Cynthia was the right thing to say.  I need that confirmation that I wasn't wrong.  I just want to make sure that I am supporting Cynthia in the right ways and not say anything wrong or offend her in any way. 

Hon, I have to say you're overthinking this. Just go with what's in your heart and you'll never be wrong. Don't ever be afraid you'll offend me. You'd have to work hard at it to ever offend. I love you and nothing is going to change that.

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

You just answered your own question.

You are overwhelmed. You are having a hard day. And what did you do? You used your grounding tools. You reached out. You kept walking.

That is how confidence is built—not by feeling strong, but by noticing that you keep showing up even when you do not feel strong. Confidence isn't the absence of doubt. It is looking back and realizing you have survived every hard day so far. Including this one.

You are doing it right now, Amy. Even today.

And then look at what happened. While you were worrying about saying the wrong thing, Cynthia showed up and told you the truth: "Just go with what is in your heart and you'll never be wrong."

That is not me saying it. That is her. The very person you were afraid of hurting just told you that you can't. Believe her.

I also want to name something that often goes unspoken. You were not born without confidence. It was taken from you over years of being told your instincts were wrong, your choices were sinful, or your love was somehow shameful. When people spend that long teaching you not to trust yourself, eventually you stop trusting yourself. That is not a flaw in you—that is what happens when the people who were supposed to guide you used criticism and shame to attack your confidence.

So when you ask how to rebuild confidence, remember this: you are not building something from nothing. You are reclaiming what was always yours.

Your truth cards are already part of that work. Now start collecting evidence. Write down the moments in your life when you were right about something important, when you let go of fear and stepped forward anyway, when you showed up even though it was difficult. You left that church. You are still here. You found Cynthia. And tonight—she found you right back.

You do not have to be perfect. Confidence is not about always getting it right; it is trusting yourself to navigate whatever comes, even if you stumble. And Amy? You are not wrong about Cynthia. She just told you so.

Lori Dee is right—when it feels like a thousand problems, it is often one tender place wearing different masks. Your mind will keep processing even when you rest. You do not have to solve anything tonight or tomorrow.

On Thanksgiving, take a break. You have carried this every day for the last three weeks, and you deserve a moment to breathe. Nothing will change overnight. The path will still be here on Friday.

With love,
— Susan 💜

[Pema]

Very well said:

So when you ask how to rebuild confidence, remember this: you are not building something from nothing. You are reclaiming what was always yours.

I think this should be everyone's mantra.

[Courtney G]

Amy, I tend to be a provocateur, but I think of it as being realistic and pragmatic. While we *all* want to see love win and we want you two stay together and happy, it's possible that it just won't feel right for you. It's possible that you'll feel off-balance and that the sense of loss will not be something you can't work through.

I want you to know that it's OK for you to feel that way. It's important for you to be honest with yourself and Cynthia. It will be painful for both of you but probably better in the long run if you listen to yourself and follow your heart and walk away, if that's how you truly feel.

My wife and I are together right now, but we've lost something that we might never get back. I'm older and just can't bear the thought of starting over, but a little voice suggests that I might end up happier that way and my wife might, as well. I feel a little stuck in the mud because my concerns over her feelings are modulating my transition.

Again, I truly hope that you two find a way forward. It is very possible and usually ends up in a stronger bond, but please don't punish yourself over this if you find you can't do it.

[Lori Dee ✅]

@Courtney_G

Amy and Cynthia have been working very hard together on this. Neither is willing to give up and walk away, especially at this very early stage. It is clear from all they have said here and to each other that quitting is not an option. I agree that those thoughts may come to mind, and are normal to consider, but I truly believe that these two are deeply committed to each other, and are willing to do the hard work to stay together.

I am quite proud of both Cynthia and Amy because they realized early on that this might be a difficult issue, and they immediately came here for information and support. We will continue to make that available to them throughout this journey. They know the road will be rough at times, but they are ready to fight like Champions. I think the best thing we can do for them is to cheer them on because success is not only possible, but very likely.

[Courtney G]

Yes, of course

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori,

I really like that analogy of a bunch of papers on the floor and my mind is trying to figure out which filing cabinet they go in.  You are so right Lori-sometimes it is just one thing.  Just one piece of paper that has a list of things on it. 

I will really try not to force it and relax.  I will use my grounding tools and the list of the three things you gave me to do that can help.  Thank you for giving me those things to do.

I will try to have faith that I have the strength to do this.  Oh Lori, thank you for your words of encouragement.  I have faced bigger issues than this and not one of them has beat me; I am still here.  Your words confirm for me a quote I saw recently, "You have survived every single thing you thought you wouldn't".  I won't give up even when it is hard.  I need to remember that taking a break when I need it isn't giving up. Resting will give me the strength I need to tackle things.   

Thank you so much, again, Lori. I really appreciate you. 

Love,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

@CynthiaR

Thank you for your reassurance that I am not wrong in what to say to you.  I just care very much for you and want to make sure I am supporting you in every way possible. Thank you, too, of the reassurance that your love for me will not change,  I love you too. 

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

Thank you for showing me how confidence is built-by noticing that I keep showing up even though I don't feel strong and noticing that I have survived every hard day so far. 

I am so grateful that Cynthia showed up and told me the truth "to just go with what is in my heart and I will never go wrong".  I will believe her Susan. 

I am so glad that you explained how I was not born without confidence.  It is something that has been taken from me over years.  It really explains why I have so much trouble trusting myself.  I love how you say that I am not building something from nothing.  That I am reclaiming what was always mine.  I will remember this. 

I will continue to use my truth cards and start collecting evidence that shows I am strong and confident.  It really helps to know that I don't have to be perfect. It is about trusting myself to navigate whatever comes my way even if I stumble along the way. 

Sometimes it does feel like a thousand different problems all at once.  But it is often just one problem.  Thank you and Lori Dee for helping me to see that.  I need to remember that it is ok to rest and that I don't have to solve anything today. 

With much love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

Do you see what just happened in your own words?

Read them back. Count the "I will" statements. I will believe her. I will remember this. I will continue. You are not asking for permission anymore. You have found your footing, even if it still feels shaky underneath.

And Amy—Cynthia showed up. Right here in this thread. She told you to trust your heart. She told you her love won't change.

That's not me saying that "it will probably be okay." That's the person you fell in love with saying "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Let that land. Allow yourself to receive it, and feel reassured.

You wrote that confidence was taken from you over years. That's important. Because it means, underneath all those years of erosion, there's bedrock. You're not building on sand. You're excavating something solid that was buried.

Every time you show up here, every time you write what's true, every time you don't quit even when you want to—you're clearing away rubble and finding the foundation that was always there.

The fact that you can articulate all of this so clearly? That's the evidence you have been looking for. So it is time to put them on your truth cards:

• "I can name what's happening to me."
• "I can receive love."
• "I can rest without calling it failure."
• "I have survived every hard thing so far—I am still here."
• And most importantly: "Cynthia is not going anywhere!"

Twenty-five days ago you didn't know how to begin. Now you're teaching yourself how to heal.

You're doing this, Amy. One paper at a time.

With love,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

The ground still feels very shaky underneath me still. Especially today-I am wrestling with a bunch of "what if" questions. What if the sense of loss isn't something I can work through?  What if we lose something that we cant get back?  I am being as honest and open as I can possibly be. I am trying to not predict any outcomes.  I am trying to commit to today-to trying, to staying present, to being honest, and to seeing what unfolds. 

I missed the fact that Cynthia showing up on this thread was her saying she isn't going anywhere.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I really needed that reassurance and I will let that sink in and receive it. 

I will try to remember that I am not building on sand but rather excavating something solid that has been buried.  Thank you for showing me how I am clearing away the rubble and finding the foundation that has always been there.  I will keep doing what I have been doing. 

I am going to write all the points you gave me down on my truth cards.  Thank you for giving me what to write down.  The tools you have given me to use help me so much Susan.

Some days I still don't know what I am doing Susan.  I will try to remember that I am teaching myself to heal even if I can't see that sometimes. 

With much love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

The ground feels shaky because you are still learning to trust that it can hold you. That is not failure. It is what healing feels like from the inside — unsteady at first, then gradually more solid as each step teaches you that you are not going to fall.

Look at what you wrote: "I am trying to commit to today — to trying, to staying present, to being honest, and to seeing what unfolds." Amy, that is the entire practice. You just described exactly what healing looks like. You are not lost. You are doing it.

The "what if" questions you are wrestling with are anxiety trying to run ahead of your life. "What if the loss is not something I can work through?" is not a question that belongs to this moment. You are still in the middle of working through it. You cannot judge the end from the very beginning.

The only question that has an answer today is: What is true right now? Right now, you are here. Cynthia is here. You are both choosing to stay. That is the truth you can actually stand on.

Write this on a truth card: "'What if' questions have no answers. 'What is' questions do."

When your mind drags you into the future, bring yourself back to what is real in this moment. Cynthia showed up in this thread because she wanted you to know she is not going anywhere.

You missed it because you were taught to look for danger, not safety. You learned to scan for abandonment because that was what once protected you.

But now you are learning something different: how to notice the love that is actually there.

A small practice can help retrain your eyes. Before bed, ask yourself: "What did Cynthia do today that showed she is still here?" It does not need to be big — a message, a look, the way she showed up here.

You are teaching yourself to see what you have been conditioned to overlook.

You asked what if you lose something you cannot get back. The truth is that some parts of what you had have already changed. It is okay to grieve that.

Grief is not a sign that the relationship is breaking. Grief is a sign that it matters.

You can mourn what was and build what is coming at the same time. You do not have to finish grieving before you start hoping.

What you are afraid of losing forever may become the ground for something deeper — something built on the foundation you are excavating together. You are not building on sand.

You are uncovering what was buried by fear, silence, and misunderstanding — clearing away the rubble and finding the bedrock that was always there.

It's great that you can recognize that some days you don't know what you are doing. You are exactly where you need to be — learning as you go, one truth card at a time. No one! Not me, not Cynthia, expects you to have everything figured out. The knowing comes from the doing. It comes from showing up, even on the shaky days.

Especially on the shaky days.

With much love,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

I will try to remember that I am still learning and feeling my way through this.  I will keep taking it one step at a time. 

I forgot to notice when my mind has spiraled into "what if" to use the grounding tools to bring me back in the now.  Thank you for reminding me that the "what if" questions are my anxiety trying to run ahead of me.  I will recognize that the question of whether or not I can work through the loss is not a question that has an answer in this moment.  I need to not judge the end from the beginning and not prejudge any outcomes. 

I will try to remember those truths that I am able to stand on and realize that the only question that has an answer today is: "what is true right now?".  I have written that question down on my cards and added "what if questions have no answers.  What is questions do" on my truth cards. 

When I catch my mind dragging me into the future, I will stop and name what is real in this moment. I will also remember to use my grounding tools that will help bring my body back into the "now". 

I really am learning how to notice the love that is present.  I will make sure I ask myself that question before bed each night.  I really don't want to overlook all ways that Cynthia shows me that she is still here.  I don't want to overlook that love and her presence with me. 

Oh Susan, it is such a relief to know that I can mourn what was and build what is coming at the same time.  I am grieving so much right now.  Grief and hope can exist at the same time. 

You are so right Susan-what I am afraid of losing forever could become the ground for something deeper and beautiful. 

I really don't know what I am doing some days Susan.  It is good to know that I am right where I need to be-learning as I go.  I have to remember that I don't need to have everything figured out.  I just need to keep "doing" and keep showing up. Giving up just isn't an option for me even on the days I feel like I want to.  I need to keep going and keep showing up even on the hard,shaky days. 

With much love,
Amy