New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Pugs4life]

Hi KathyLauren,

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate it. It does help to know that your wife struggled some with the same issues that I am struggling with. It makes me feel not so alone in this.

I dont consider myself a lesbian either. But am going to end up in a same sex marriage. How did your wife begin to process everything? 

My spouse keeps telling me he's not changing the person that he is on the inside. You touched on that by saying your wife made vows to the person you are versus to a man specifically. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It does help. Thank you, too, for telling me how your wife handles it with others.

It really is encouraging to know that they are couples out there that have made it through this process together.

[Pema]

@Pugs4life, even though I've found your thread extremely compelling from your very first post, I've resisted responding because I've felt like what you really want and need is to hear from another significant other, not another transwoman.

But now I can't resist any longer.

I just want to say how incredibly impressed I am by your open-heartedness and open-mindedness. You're aware of the conditioning you have (that we *all* have) about what is supposed to be "right" and "wrong" and you've seen the ways that those scripts haven't served you in the past. You're wrestling with the conflicts that you have inside of yourself, you've come here to share those feelings, and you're pursuing counseling. In my opinion, you are doing everything a person can possibly do to explore who they are - authentically - and what is important to them. And that's what all of us here are trying to do (and it sounds like your spouse is trying to do).

So, yes, it genuinely is messy and confusing. Anyone who says otherwise is either in denial or some ascended master. There is absolutely nothing "wrong" about feeling that and talking it through with others. All of us, at some time or another, are confronted with choices of following our own path of authenticity or conforming to societal expectations for approval. These can be very difficult choices.

People like you who are willing to put in the difficult work to suss out what's inside of themselves - you are the people who sustain my faith in humanity.

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Pugs4life

You said:

My spouse keeps telling me he's not changing the person that he is on the inside. You touched on that by saying your wife made vows to the person you are versus to a man specifically. I really appreciate you sharing that with me. It does help. Thank you, too, for telling me how your wife handles it with others.

When I changed my life around nearly 37 years ago. One of things I remember distinctly, not many times.  I was thinking about how I would conduct myself and worrying about what other people thought when they saw me (they never knew).  This was in the early phase of me being Sarah.  However one day while walking along George street, Sydney, I said to myself just be yourself, walk with confidence and if they knew then it did not matter as I would never see them again.

Which means that what your spouse said is absolutely right, my personality did not change I would continue swimming for instance and I would continue to study later on.  Yes, things changed but as one grows old things do change, but then that's just life and I was no different than any other person living their life.

Pema says this very well and also expresses my feeling and thoughts about you as well:

I just want to say how incredibly impressed I am by your open-heartedness and open-mindedness. You're aware of the conditioning you have (that we *all* have) about what is supposed to be "right" and "wrong" and you've seen the ways that those scripts haven't served you in the past. You're wrestling with the conflicts that you have inside of yourself, you've come here to share those feelings, and you're pursuing counseling. In my opinion, you are doing everything a person can possibly do to explore who they are - authentically - and what is important to them. And that's what all of us here are trying to do (and it sounds like your spouse is trying to do).

I'm sure you will survive whatever life throws at you, why?  Because your writings reflect this in their entirety.

Take care and all the best.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Pugs4life @Pema

[Pugs4life]

Hi Pema,

Thank you so much for your post. I am so glad you decided to make the post that you did. I absolutely want to hear from you and everyone. You all have so much wisdom and experience to share.

Thank you for your very kind words. I am humbled. Being in the midst of this, sometimes I cant see very clearly. And I dont  think Im handling things very well.

Thank you for the confirmation that this is indeed messy and confusing. It makes me feel less like Im wrong for feeling the way that I do. You are absolutely right when you say that we are all confronted with the choices to follow our authentic self or conform to societal expectations for approval. Those are truly difficult choices.

Do you have any advice on what my spouse needs from me right now?  I truly want to be there for him and support him in every way that I can.

Again, thank you for your post and your very kind words. It is so appreciated

[Pugs4life]

Hi Sarah B,

Thank you for your post. I am so happy to hear from you.

It is so reassuring to hear that your personality did not change at all. It struck such a chord with me when you said,
 "things changed but as one grows old things do change, but then that's just life and I was no different than any other person living their life.".  Thank you so much for those words. It made me realize that change happens no matter what and that didnt make you any different than anyone else.

Thank you for your very kind words. They mean alot to me. And thank you for your confidence in my ability to handle whatever life throws at me.

Wishing you all the best always.

[Lori Dee ✅]

At the same time, Im just so unsure about a same sex marriage. I am keeping an open mind to it though. I just have so much I need to work through. So many questions.

I understand your wrestling with the term "same-sex marriage", especially growing up in a Church environment. Set aside the biases of others. As you realized, their opinions don't matter. What matters is how you feel about the relationship without the labels.

Society is big on labels, so I will give you another to consider. Have you heard of a Boston Marriage?

If I may quote the All-Knowing Professor Google:

A "Boston marriage" was a long-term, committed relationship between two middle or upper-class women in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, characterized by them living together in a household. These relationships were common in New England, particularly among college-educated women who sought independence from traditional marriage, and could range from close friendships and professional partnerships to romantic or sexual partnerships.
 
Motivation: Women who entered "Boston marriages" often wanted to maintain their financial independence and careers, which was difficult for women who married men at the time.

Social context: Victorian society was less accepting of homosexuality, and these relationships were sometimes seen as simple close friendships or spinster partnerships rather than what a modern person might view as a lesbian relationship.

Romantic and sexual relationships: The term encompasses relationships that were romantic and/or sexual, but not all "Boston marriages" were sexual. They were a social and economic partnership, often romantic, that provided an alternative to heterosexual marriage for women.

Examples: Notable examples include the relationships between writer Annie Fields and author Sarah Orne Jewett, or poet Katharine Lee Bates and economist Katharine Ellis Coman.

Origin: The term is believed to have originated from Henry James's 1886 novel The Bostonians, which depicted the relationship between two women.

My point is that from the inside, your relationship is your relationship, and it is nobody's business. If someone rudely accuses you of being in a lesbian marriage, you can easily correct them by telling them it is a Boston Marriage. They probably won't know what that means and will shut up. If they do, or if they look it up, they will find that from a societal viewpoint, it is perfectly acceptable.

What label you use is totally up to you two. It is your relationship and no one else's. Don't let others dictate your terms to you. You get to make that decision, not them.

[ChrissyRyan]

Life can be a struggle at times to figure what to do, what society thinks, and how some new situation can throw you off. . .

It sounds as if you are hearing from many members here and that is good.  Counseling is something that seems to be worthwhile to try to sort things out and to gain clarity.

I wish you the best!


Chrissy

[Pema]

Do you have any advice on what my spouse needs from me right now?  I truly want to be there for him and support him in every way that I can.

I'm definitely not someone who feels qualified to give advice, but even more so on behalf of a third party. My suggestion would be to ask them yourself and to say exactly what you said to me. I'm willing to bet that hearing those words from you would mean the world to your mate.

Something else you might consider as a way of dipping your toe in the water is asking what pronouns they'd prefer and then experiment with using them. I know it's awkward at first, but it's equally awkward to continue using pronouns that don't match someone's identity. It will take time and practice, but I think the intention and the effort would demonstrate to your spouse that you want to be part of the transition.

On the question of personality change, I'd like to share my own experience. Now, my wife has been fully supportive from the beginning - which was only February of this year - but I still felt concern that I might be becoming a different person and that maybe she wouldn't care for that person as she had for "who I was before." So I asked her: "How different do I seem to you?" Her answer was: "You aren't really a different person. You're just more you. It's as if you were a garden that had a fence around it, and now that fence has been removed. Suddenly, the sunlight is reaching it, and it's flourishing; and now I can see it and appreciate it for everything that it is." It was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever said about me.

I strongly encourage open dialogue between the two of you. There are many aspects of this path that are challenging, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. Having each other and knowing that you're there for one another... That makes it all so much smoother. Neither of you wants to hide parts of yourself from the other, and there's so much to learn and share. It's a process that we continue to practice for as long as we live, so don't be afraid to stretch yourself - patiently and lovingly.

Again, I applaud your commitment not only to your spouse but to being a multi-dimensional human being yourself.

[Pugs4life]

Lori Dee,

Your words of "What matters is how you feel about the relationship without the labels" really has me thinking about my relationship with my spouse without the labels. I never thought to look at that way.

That is really interesting information on the Boston Marriage. I had never heard of that before. Thank you so much for sharing that information with me. I can definitely use that to correct people that accuse me of being in a lesbian marriage. 

Thank you,too, for pointing out that our relationship is between the two of us and nobody else's business. I will try really hard not to let others put a label on our relationship.

[Pugs4life]

ChrissyRyan,

Thank you for your post. I am hearing from quite a few members and am overwhelmed by the love, support, and encouragement I am finding here.

[Lori Dee ✅]

How you choose to handle the situations that arise is up to you. At first, I was very defensive and spent a lot of time (and wasted energy) trying to educate the ignorant. That has changed now.

The opposition mostly came from my father (and still does). At first, I tried to explain things so he could understand. Since that time (about five years later), he continues to make comments that make it clear that he has learned nothing and is stuck in his perception of me. The last time I saw him, after he made such a comment, I looked him in the eye and said, "I am not going to get upset with you because I know that you are not trying to be malicious." I left it at that.

I am just throwing out suggestions here. You will know better what suits your personality. There is no right or wrong way. Sometimes, you need to fight. Sometimes, it is easier to just walk away.

What I am saying is that if you feel compelled to defend yourself, by all means do so. However, just understand that "haters gonna hate" and you are the bigger person by not pointing out how ignorant they are. This will depend on your personality and what you are comfortable with. Do not feel that you must say anything in response. Sometimes, my comment is just, "That's personal," to indicate they have crossed a line without being aggressive.

[Pugs4life]

Pema,

I will definitely make sure my spouse knows that I want to support him fully and be there for him. I will ask him what I can do to support him through this transition.

I will also have the conversation about what pronouns I should be using and try them out. You are right...it will probably be awkward at first but its equally awkward to continue to use pronouns that do not match his identity. I definitely want to be part of his transition.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. That is just so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

I will make sure to keep an open dialog with my spouse. I want us to get through this together.

Thank you for your wonderful advice and words of wisdom. I really appreciate it.

[Pugs4life]

Lori Dee,

I am not even sure yet how I will respond to these situations as they come up. I really appreciate all of your suggestions.

That was a really good respnse that you said to your father. I am sorry to hear that you receive such opposition from him.

Thank you for your wonderful advice and suggestions on things I could say in response to the opposition I know we are going to receive. It really helps so much.

[Lori Dee ✅]

That was a really good respnse that you said to your father. I am sorry to hear that you receive such opposition from him.

My mom tries to defend me, so I am sure that he got an earful when I left.

😄

[Susan ✅]

Hi Pugs4life,

What you just described—the judgments you received from your faith community—those were not small wounds. They were cruel, harmful messages delivered at some of your most vulnerable moments.

Being told your son's autism was caused by not tithing is not theology—it is spiritual abuse. Being judged for holding hands, for an unplanned pregnancy, for a divorce—these are human experiences, and the response you received was not grace or compassion. It was judgment masquerading as righteousness, and it hurt you. It makes complete sense that you carry that fear now, that you brace yourself for more of the same.

I understand that fear more than you might realize. I was religious until I went through a crisis of faith and stopped attending church. Three or four months later, an envelope arrived from the church. I got excited—I thought they were worried about me, that they wanted to make sure I was okay. It turned out to be a tithing envelope. I haven't been back to church since.

But that does not mean I gave up my faith. I decided I did not need anyone between myself and the divine. You do not need that either.

The Bible itself says, "Ye shall know them by their fruits" (Matthew 7:16). The fruits you received from that church were cruelty, condemnation, and spiritual harm. That tells you everything you need to know about them—and nothing true about you or your worth.

While it is considered apocryphal, the Gospel of Thomas has a verse I have always loved. I first discovered it in the movie Stigmata: "I am the light that is over all things. I am all: from me all came forth, and to me all attained. Split a piece of wood; I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there" (Gospel of Thomas, 77). The divine is in you and part of you. You do not need a church or a pastor to talk to your God for you. You have a direct line.

You wrote something important: "those opinions and judgments will only carry as much weight as I give them." Please do keep reminding yourself of that. The people who said those things to you were wrong—not just unkind, but factually and spiritually wrong. Their cruelty says everything about their own limitations and nothing true about you, your son, your choices, or your worth.

Fear of judgment is not irrational when you have been judged harshly and repeatedly. Your fear makes sense. But you are no longer in that church, and you do not owe those voices your future. You get to decide whose opinions matter, and you get to build a life based on love, not fear of condemnation.

You also said something I want to reflect back to you: "I want to be there for my spouse and support him. Yet, I have my own feelings and emotions to work through." This is not a contradiction. Both of those things are true and both are allowed to exist at the same time. You are not failing your spouse by having your own process. Supporting someone does not mean you stop having feelings, needs, or questions. It means you show up honestly, and you are doing that.

This is messy and confusing, and you are handling it exactly as well as anyone could. There is no "better" way to react. You are being honest, vulnerable, and willing to stay present even when it is hard. That is everything.

We see you and what you are going through, and we are right there walking this road with you without judgment, only neighborly love and companionship.
— Susan

[Pugs4life]

Lori Dee,

That is awesome that your Mom tries to defend you. I am so glad to hear that you her support! 

[Pugs4life]

Hi Susan,

It is comforting to know that you can understand my fear of judgement. I am sorry that you had to go through your own faith crisis. That had to hurt when the church sent you a tithe envelope instead of it being a letter checking on you to make sure you were ok.

I am encouraged to know that you didnt give up your faith but rather realized you didnt need anyone between you and the divine. Thank you for helping me to see that too.

Thank you so much for sharing that verse from the Gospel of Thomas. I love it!  I will try to remember that I have a direct line to my God and dont need a church or a pastor to talk to him for me. That is really eye opening for me.

I will try to remember to keep telling myself that the opinions of others only have as much weight as I give them. It can be so hard when people are so judgemental. I really like how you said that I do not owe those voices my future.

Thank you for giving me permission to feel what Im feeling while also trying to support my spouse. It helps so much to know that both of those things can be true at the same time and can sit next to each other. I want to continue to show up honestly to continue being vulnerable. 

I find your words so comforting that everyone here sees me and are right there walking this road with me without judgment, only love and companionship. That means the world to me right now. Thank you so very much!