Hi Pugs4life,
Your spouse reached out privately to thank me for the support you've been receiving here, and to let me know that she is deliberately staying out of your thread so that you have a space that is fully yours. I told her that giving you that space is an act of real love and respect.
I also shared, in very general terms, that you are carrying more than just the news of her transition: that old wounds and fears around judgment are being stirred up by all of this, that you are often very hard on yourself and worry that your feelings make you "unsupportive," and that this has felt lonely and isolating at times. None of that is something she has to "fix," but understanding it can help both of you offer each other more grace as you move through this together. I ended by reminding her to take care of you, and also to take care of herself.
Reading your latest post, what stands out to me most is not the turmoil you feel, but the fact that *in the middle* of that turmoil, you are still showing up. You are scared, confused, worried about the future of your marriage, worried about your children, and yet you keep reaching out, reflecting, and trying to respond with love. From the inside it feels like "barely holding it together." From the outside, it looks a lot like courage.
You asked whether you will be able to handle the challenges ahead and whether the two of you as a couple will hold up under the pressure. Those are enormous questions, and it makes sense that they sit heavy on your heart. No one in your position could answer them right now. What you *are* doing is what matters most at this stage: you are talking with your spouse, you have reached out for a therapist, you are asking hard questions, you are listening to others who have walked this road, and you are refusing to shut down even when it would be easier to turn away. That is what handling it looks like in real time, even if it does not feel "beautiful" from the inside.
I also want to say this clearly: you do not owe any of us "thank you just isn't enough." The fact that you are here, trusting us with your fears and your hopes, is more than enough. Susan's Place exists so that people in exactly your situation would have somewhere to go when there are no local resources, no obvious road map, and no one else in their circle who really understands. You belong here just as much as anyone else.
Your Family and the Ripple EffectsYou are absolutely right that your spouse's transition will touch many lives, and of course your thoughts go straight to the children. That tells me a lot about the kind of mother and stepmother you are. You are not only thinking about your own pain; you are already trying to cushion theirs.
The good news is that children often take their cues from the adults around them. They pay as much attention to *how* something is talked about as to *what* is said. If the underlying message they receive is, "You are safe, you are loved, and you still have two parents who are here for you," that foundation matters more than having perfect words. There may still be big reactions, questions, and feelings — especially from teenagers — but those unfold over time, and you do not have to solve everything in the first conversation.
It can help to break this big, overwhelming "How will the kids take it?" worry into smaller, more manageable pieces. One small step is for you and your spouse to talk privately, maybe with your therapist's help, about a few basics before you tell them: what you want each child to hear first, what you both feel ready to say now, and what you are *not* ready to answer yet. It is completely okay to tell a child, "We do not have all the answers right now, but you can ask us anything, and we will figure things out together as we go." That is an honest, loving answer.
Talking with Your ChildrenBecause your kids are at very different ages, it may also help to think of separate "versions" of the same truth rather than one big announcement you have to get exactly right.
For your nine-year-old, you might lean on simple, concrete ideas: that their parent has something important to share about who they are inside, that this is about being more honest and happier in themselves, and that none of this changes how much they are loved or that their parent will still be there for bedtime, school, and the everyday things that matter. Younger children often absorb "my parent is still my parent, and I am still loved" more than any detailed vocabulary about gender. If it feels helpful, a picture book like
It Feels Good to Be Yourself 🔗 [Link: us.macmillan.com/books/9781250302953/itfeelsgoodtobeyourself/] can give you gentle, child-friendly language to lean on. For kids whose parent is transitioning, there is also
She's My Dad! 🔗 [Link: amazon.com/dp/1785926311/], which follows a child whose dad transitions and can make the idea less abstract and more reassuring.
For your spouse's sixteen-year-old, the conversation can be more direct and more collaborative. Teenagers often have strong opinions and big feelings, and they also tend to appreciate being treated as someone whose perspective matters. There may be questions about what this means socially, at school, or with extended family. It is okay if some of those questions do not have immediate answers. What will matter most is that they can see the two of you are being honest with them and that their own feelings are allowed in the room.
For older teens and your adult children, a resource like
My Trans Parent 🔗 [Link: heatherbryantauthor.com/my-trans-parent/] can help them see that they are not the only ones navigating a parent's transition and give them language and stories of their own.
Helpful Resources for You and Your SpouseFor you and your spouse as adults, organizations like PFLAG have free guides for families of transgender people. One that many partners and relatives find helpful is
Our Trans Loved Ones 🔗 [Link: pflag.org/resource/our-trans-loved-ones/], which is written specifically for people who have a trans or gender-expansive person in their family. You can read it on your own, share sections with your spouse, or offer it to your older kids or other relatives if and when that feels right. None of these are obligations; they are simply tools you can pick up when you are ready.
All of that is just to say: you are not expected to invent every word yourself or to carry all of this without support. You have a therapist coming into the picture, you have your spouse, and you now have a community here that understands the particular mix of love, fear, grief, and hope you are trying to hold at the same time. And please know that you are always free to share anything from this thread with your counselor if you think it might help. Sometimes simply putting these conversations in front of a professional can open doors for insight, healing, or even help someone else down the road.
Moving Forward, One Step at a TimeYou wrote: "This is something big and it's messy. But I am trying and will continue to try." That is the heart of it. There is no clean, tidy way through something that reshapes a whole life and family. Messy does not mean you are failing. It means you are human, in the middle of a very real, very complex story — and instead of shutting down, you are staying present.
When everything feels too big, it can help to gently shrink the frame. Instead of asking yourself, "How will I handle all of this?" you might ask, "What is one small thing I can do today that will help me feel a little more grounded?" Big changes — like your spouse's transition, your own emotional adjustment, and preparing your children — can feel impossible when you look at them all at once. But when you break everything down and organize it into a few broad topics, with small, practical steps under each one, it becomes much more manageable and less overwhelming. Every one of those small steps is real progress. And you do not have to rush; you are allowed to move at the pace your heart can handle.
Here is one way you might start to break it down:
| Taking Care of Yourself | Communicating with Your Spouse |
Attend your counseling session and
write down any insights afterward.
Make time each day, even a few
minutes, for something that helps you
breathe or rest.
Remind yourself that your emotions are
valid and do not make you unsupportive.
| Have small, calm conversations about
what feels manageable for each of you.
Agree on what to share with others and
when.
Give each other permission to step back
if emotions run high, then return to
the topic when you both feel ready. |
| Preparing to Talk with the Children[/b] | Building a Support System |
Discuss with your spouse, or with
your therapist, what each child most
needs to hear first.
Choose simple, age-appropriate language
for your youngest child.
Plan a more open, question-based talk
for your teenagers and adult children.
Allow space for their reactions and
reassure them that they can ask
anything, any time.
| Use your therapist, your spouse,
and this community as sources of
understanding.
Reach out to local or online groups
such as PFLAG when you are ready.
Remember that seeking help is
strength, not weakness. |
Breaking things into smaller pieces allows your mind and heart to catch up to each other. Each step you take — no matter how small — brings a bit more clarity, a bit more steadiness, and a sense that things are slowly coming together. You do not have to have the full picture yet; you just need to keep moving gently forward, one piece at a time.
Please keep using this thread for whatever you need: sorting out your thoughts before you talk to the kids, practicing what you might want to say, sharing how that first counseling session goes, or just coming here on a hard day to say, "This is a lot," and letting us sit with you in it.
You are not alone in this. We are right here beside you, for as long as you need us.
— Susan
