Pugs4life - New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Pema]

Thank you, @coral. Those are really thoughtful and beautiful vignettes you shared. I'm so sorry that you lost your dear wife, but I'm glad you had all of those decades together.

Focusing on the love we have while we have it is what living life is all about.

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

I am SO sorry that it has taken me this long to get back to you.  My son just started back at school this week after being off for over two weeks.  I feel absolutely terrible at the amount of time it has taken me to get back with you.  You are right-caring for my son while carrying all of this emotional weight is certainly not small. It really is strength under pressure. 

Thank you very much for helping me to see that I am not flailing but someone integrating.  It gets hard to see that sometimes in the midst of things. 

I really appreciate you taking the time to explain why I am already letting Cynthia in.  I want to make sure that I am doing that and make a conscious decision to keep doing it.  I will let her see me while I am afraid.  I will let her see me in the middle of my growth.  I will let her see when my nervous system is activated.  I also really appreciate you showing me examples of how I let Cynthia in already.  It helps to know how I am doing that.  I do truly want to build intimacy with my spouse.  I will keep doing the small acts of truth offered without armor. 

I really don't want to lose myself in this process of loving my spouse through transition.  It is really good to know that letting Cynthia in doesn't mean dissolving. I needed to know that.  I can try to stay visible while remaining myself.  I am so glad to know that I am not erasing but rather evolving. 

I think I did miss the massive shift.  I really need to look back and see how far I have come in this journey.  Thank you for helping me to see it. 

I feel like I am still fighting the reality of change Susan.  I don't know how to stand inside of it.  How do I learn to do that? 

I will hold onto the fact that Cynthia and I are protecting this marriage together, mutually.  I did need to know that I wasn't carrying the bridge by myself. 

Thank you for saying that things feel hard because they are hard. This is something very big for me.  I am trying so hard to do this consciously and not destructively.  I will keep telling the truth in love, keep resting, and keep choosing the small moments.  I want to be able to keep taking steps forward and to keep letting Cynthia in. 

With love,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

@coral

Thank you, Coral, for your very thoughtful and beautiful post!  I am so grateful to have all of you wonderful people on here to provide advice and encouragement.  I would honestly be lost without you all!

My spouse and I are in separate therapy.  My spouse's therapist wasn't open to me sitting in on any sessions with her. I thank you for the encouragement to continue in therapy as I do think it is very helpful. You were married a long time when you came out to your wife.  It is so encouraging to know that even though the hormone therapy changed your relationship, you still loved each other.  Congrats on 53 years together! 

I am so sorry that you lost your wife, Coral.  I am sending you big hugs and love, 

We will try very hard to work together through this.  Thank you again for your post and for reaching out. I hope to be able to interact more with you on here.   

With love and care,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Focusing on the love we have while we have it is what living life is all about.

Dear Pema,

I just love this!  Thank you so much for posting this.

With love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

First — please do not apologize for the time. We are on your schedule, not mine. These posts are intensive, and they take real energy — emotional and mental. You are also parenting a sick child through all of this. Take the time you need. This thread will always be here, and so will I.

I want to name something gently: the impulse to apologize for having needs? That connects directly to what you asked me. It is part of the same pattern as the fear of disappearing. When we apologize for taking up space, for being human, for needing time — we are already practicing erasure on ourselves. So let this be a small place to practice something different: you needed to care for your son. You did. Life intrudes, so no apology is necessary.

Now for your real question. You said you feel like you are still fighting the reality of change and you don't know how to stand inside of it. I want to honor that question because it is an important one.

Here is what I have learned — from my own life, from thirty years of walking alongside people through transition, and from watching hundreds of partners navigate exactly where you are:

Standing inside change is not a skill you learn once. It is a practice you return to. It is more like balance than like a destination — you don't arrive. You keep adjusting.

But there are things that help:

When you notice yourself bracing against what is happening — the tightness in your chest, the racing thoughts, the urge to control or predict — try pausing and naming it. Not fixing it. Just naming it. "I am scared right now." "I don't know what this means yet." "This is uncomfortable and I am still here." That naming is standing inside it.

When you catch yourself trying to figure out the whole future at once — where this goes, who Cynthia becomes, what your marriage will look like in five years — try pulling back to today. Not because the future doesn't matter, but because you cannot stand inside something that hasn't happened yet. You can only stand inside now.

When grief comes — and it will, in waves, because transition involves real loss even when it also brings real gain — let it come. Do not judge it. Do not rush it. Grief and love can exist in the same breath. Letting yourself grieve what is changing does not mean you are against the change. It means you are human.

And here is maybe the most important thing: you said you feel like you are still fighting. That word — still — carries judgment. As if by now you should have stopped. Amy, you have been in this for weeks, not years. Fighting is what the nervous system does when it perceives threat to something it loves. You are not failing because your body is still activated. You are a person whose entire life framework shifted, and your system is still catching up. That is normal. That is expected.

Standing inside change does not mean the fight disappears. It means you stop punishing yourself for the fight. It means you let it be there — and choose your next small act anyway.

You are already doing this more than you realize. Every time you write here, every time you choose honesty with Cynthia, every time you show up to therapy, every time you pause and reflect instead of react — you are practicing standing inside it.

The fact that it still feels like fighting does not mean you are failing. It means you are early. And early is exactly where you are supposed to be. Keep going, because you are doing this.

With love,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

I have missed you and the forum so much!  I apologize for all of the time away.  When my son finally went back to school after having the flu and an ear infection, he ended up getting strep throat two days after being back in school!  The poor kid has been so sick.  Once I finally got him back in school, I realized that my earring back had gotten embedded in my ear and was infected.  I had to go to the doctor to get antibiotics.  All of this has kept me from being able to post any updates or reply to your post. 

Thank you for saying that this thread and you will always be here. That is so comforting to me.  This forum and you mean so much to me. 

I want to also thank you for explaining to me about how change is not a skill that you learn once.  It is more of a practice that you return to.  It is something that I keep adjusting to.  When I catch myself bracing against what is happening, I will try pausing and naming it. 

I frequently catch myself trying to figure out the whole future at once Susan.  I will try to remember to pull back to today when that happens.  It really makes sense that I can't stand inside something that hasn't happened yet.  I can only stand inside the now. 

Grief does seem come in waves.  Thank you for pointing out that transition does involve real loss.  I needed to know that and know that it is okay to grieve still.  I also needed to know that grief and love can exist at the same time.  I really do need to let myself grieve what is changing. 

I do feel like I should have stopped fighting the changes by now.  Thank you so much for letting me know that it is okay that I am still fighting it.  And it is okay that my body is still activated. I am relieved to hear that it is normal and expected that my system is still catching up.  My entire life framework did shift in a big way. 

I am so glad that you said standing inside change does not man the fight disappears.  I needed to know that Susan.  I will also try to stop punishing myself for fighting the change.  I will try really hard to let the change be there and choose my next small act anyway. 

I am so glad to know that the fact that I am still fighting does not mean I am failing.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  I will try so hard to keep doing what I am doing and keep going.  Thank you for seeing that I am doing this and reminding me of that.  Sometimes I can't see that. 

Susan, thank you for being there and for all that you do.  I would be lost without you and this forum. 

With love,
Amy

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Pugs4life  cc: Cynthia R

Dear Amy:
Thank you for coming back to the Forum after your time away.  I had been a little concerned that
you had been away for so long... forgive me for being a worry-wart.

I trust that all is OK with you and with Cynthia, and that you are staying healthy and safe...
... and enjoying your evolving relationship with Cynthia.

I always am eager to see and read your postings here on this thread and around the other threads
and topics around the Susan's Place Forum.

You are an important part of our membership, especially regarding your thread here.  We have many
members that I am aware of that can glean hope and encouragement when reading your story.

Again, I am glad that you are back, that your son is getting over his sickness, and that your
infected ear is being taken care of.
      ❤️❤️❤️   
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  Forum Admin

[Susan ✅]

Amy,

Welcome back. I'm so glad to hear from you.

And please, don't apologize for the time away. Your son had the flu, an ear infection, *and* then strep throat — that poor kid really got hit with everything at once. And then your ear on top of all of that. I hope the antibiotics are working and you're both starting to feel human again. You were doing exactly what you needed to be doing — taking care of your child and then taking care of yourself. That's not something to apologize for. That's just being a good mom.

Now let me say something about what you wrote, because I want you to really hear this:

You didn't just read what I shared with you last time. You *absorbed* it. You took it in and made it yours. Look at what you wrote back to me — you're already doing the things we talked about. You're catching yourself when you brace. You're noticing when you try to solve the whole future at once. You're recognizing the waves of grief as they come. Amy, that *is* the practice. You're not just learning about it — you're living it. That's enormous, and I don't want you to miss that about yourself.

I want to gently point something out. You used the words "try really hard" several times in what you wrote. And I understand that impulse — it comes from how much you care, how much you want to get this right. But I want to offer you something: you don't have to try *hard*. Trying hard at acceptance is almost a contradiction, because it turns self-compassion into another performance you have to get right. Another thing to grade yourself on. And you have enough of that already. So the fact that you trying at all is more than enough.

When you catch yourself bracing — that's not a failure you need to fix harder. That's awareness. That's you waking up inside your own experience. The noticing *is* the practice. You don't then have to muscle through it perfectly.

You said you feel like you should have stopped fighting by now. I want to sit with that word "should" for a moment. Who decided the timeline? There isn't one. There's no deadline for when a heart is supposed to finish being shaken by something this big. Your entire understanding of your life and your partnership shifted. The fact that your system is still processing that isn't a sign that you're behind schedule. It's a sign that what you had mattered. That what's changing is real. That you loved deeply and still do.

And you're right — grief and love do exist at the same time. They aren't opposites. They're actually proof of each other. You wouldn't grieve something you didn't love. So when the grief washes in, it's not a sign that something is wrong with you. It's a sign that something was profoundly right, and it's shifting into a new shape, and your heart is doing the honest work of feeling that.

You said you'd be lost without this forum and without me. I want to receive that with the love it's offered in, and I also want to reflect something back to you: you found your way here. You keep coming back. You keep showing up, even after weeks of a sick kid and an infected ear and exhaustion. You are not someone who gets lost, Amy. You are someone who keeps finding her way, even when the path isn't clear. That's not me. That's you.

I'm here. This thread is here. There is no clock on any of this. You come when you can, and when you get here, you are always welcome.

With love right back,
— Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Hi Danielle,

I am so glad to be back.  I have missed you all so much.  I am touched by your concern for us.  No worries on being a worry-wart.    I am one too. 

Cynthia and I are OK and we have managed to stay healthy.  I am trying to enjoy my evolving relationship with Cynthia.  Sometimes things feel weird and I have to work through that. 

Thank you so much for reading our postings. It means so much to know that you are eager to see them and read them.  It also means so much to know that I am an important part of the membership here.  I am truly honored to be here.  It is my sincere hope that others would be able to receive hope and encouragement from our story. 

I am so glad to be back and to be able to be here and be part of this amazing community. 

With love and hugs,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

The antibiotics are working on my ear and it is healing nicely.  My son is all better now and is back to being himself. 

I want to thank you for showing me that I am really doing this and absorbing everything that you are telling me.  It is so easy for me to miss that about myself. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I am doing very good at this. Things still seem to bother me. 

You are so right Susan-I want to get this right so badly.  I will try to see that the fact I am trying at all is more than enough and not "try hard".  I will also see that when I catch myself bracing, it is awareness and not something that I need to fix harder.  I really needed to know that it isn't something that I have to muscle through perfectly.  I mess up alot Susan. 

What a relief it is to know that there isn't a timeline and there is no deadline for when my heart is supposed to finish being shaken.  This is something big and it is going to take me some time to work through this and for my system to catch up.  I am so glad to know that that doesn't mean I am behind schedule.  What I had did matter.  Everything that is changing is very real.  I still do love deeply. 

I really like how you said that grief and love are actually proof of each other.  You are right-I wouldn't be grieving something I didn't love.  When that grief comes, I will remember that it isn't something wrong with me. It's my heart doing the work of seeing everything shifting into a new shape. 

It really helps to know that you are there and this thread is there.  Thank you for that and thank you for being so welcoming to me.  I love it here. 💜

With love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Dear Amy,

I'm so glad the antibiotics are working and your son is back to himself. You've had a rough stretch and it's good to hear you're both on the other side of it.

I want to start with something you said to Danielle, because I think it's important and I don't want it to slip by unnoticed. You said, "I am trying to enjoy my evolving relationship with Cynthia. Sometimes things feel weird and I have to work through that."

Amy, there is so much in those two sentences.

First — "trying to enjoy." I want to sit with that for a moment. Enjoyment isn't something you can try your way into. It's not an assignment. When you say you're trying to enjoy it, what I hear underneath that is the same pattern we've talked about — you wanting to get this right, wanting to be further along than you are, grading yourself on how well you're handling it.

I want to gently push back on that. You don't owe anyone enjoyment right now. What you owe yourself is honesty. Some moments with Cynthia will feel warm and connected and genuinely good. Some will feel strange. Some will feel like grief sneaking in sideways when you weren't expecting it. All of that is allowed.

You don't have to curate your emotional experience into something that looks like progress.

Now — "things feel weird." I want you to know that weird is exactly where you're supposed to be right now. You've moved out of the crisis stage. The initial shock has passed. You're not in freefall anymore.

But what comes after freefall isn't solid ground — it's this. It's the long, quiet, unfamiliar middle where your daily life looks mostly normal but nothing feels quite the way it used to. The person across from you at breakfast is the same person you married, and also not.

The relationship is continuing, and also becoming something new.

That's disorienting in a way that's hard to name because nothing is technically wrong. It's just... different. And your nervous system is trying to figure out what to do with "different" when it doesn't come with a clear threat or a clear resolution.

Weird is what it feels like when your heart is ahead of your body. Part of you has already accepted this. Part of you is still catching up. That gap between the two — that's the weird. And it doesn't mean something is wrong.

It means you're in transition too, Amy. Not the same kind as Cynthia's, but a real one. Your understanding of your partner, your marriage, your future — all of it is being reorganized. That takes time, and it doesn't happen in a straight line, and some days it's going to feel like you've gone backwards even when you haven't.

I also want to name something I see in your reply to me that tells me more than you might realize. You took everything I said last time — the bracing, the timeline, grief and love as proof of each other — and you didn't just repeat it. You rewrote it in your own words. You made it yours.

"It's my heart doing the work of seeing everything shifting into a new shape" — Amy, that's not you quoting me. That's you understanding something at a level that goes deeper than words on a screen. You're not performing progress. You're living it.

The fact that things still bother you, that you still mess up, that it still feels weird — none of that cancels out what you've internalized. It's all part of the same process.

You said "I mess up a lot." I want to challenge that. What are you calling a mess-up? Is it the bracing? The moments where things feel weird and you pull back? The times when grief catches you off guard and you don't respond the way you think you should?

Because none of those are mess-ups, Amy. Those are a human being living through something enormous and feeling every bit of it. A mess-up would be not caring. A mess-up would be checking out. You're doing the opposite of that. You're so far from messing up that you can't even see it from where you're standing.

You said something else to Danielle that I want to honor — you said you hope others can receive hope and encouragement from your story.

Amy, they already are. You may not see it, but the way you show up in this thread — honest, scared, trying, loving — that's what hope looks like to someone who just found out about their partner and doesn't know if they can do this.

You're not just getting yourself through it. You're showing all the lurkers reading these posts that coming through in a good place is possible if they want it enough, and are willing to do the work.

I'm still here for you cheering you along,  and your thread is here.

And between you and I, you are doing so much better than you think you are.

With love,
— Susan 💜