Pugs4life - New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

There is no need to apologize.  I know how busy you are behind the scenes keeping this site up and running smoothly.  We all appreciate everything that you do Susan. 

Thank you for confirming that I am understanding correctly how I found the real Cynthia.  I have been loving her all along but just recently found out her name, right?  I didn't have a name yet for the person I was loving? I thought I was loving the male all along but actually it was her that I was loving the whole time.  I understand that the transition is the outside catching up to the inside. 

Thank you for being so patient and understanding as I circle back on some questions.  I really appreciate that I can ask as many times as I need to.  I appreciate everyone still being there.

Cynthia and I have had a couple of different conversations recently.  It was good for me to hear what was on her mind and in her heart.  I  listened as she talked.  It did help to hear from her about what has been on her mind and in her heart. 

I really do want to give back.  I have received so much help and support.  I want to offer that same support to others that may be on this journey.  I was so thrilled when Moonflower came back to the site.  It was good connecting with her. 

I guess I have come a long way from the place I started in.  I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have received to get me where I am today. It is my hope to offer that same love and support to others.  I really like how you said it is a long chain of people who were helped turning around to help others.  Thank you that I am a link in that chain.  It  is truly an honor.  It is a honor being able to be part of this family.  Thank you Susan. 

One day at a time...I will keep doing what I am doing Susan.  Thank you for your encouragement. 

With love,
Amy 

[KristaFairchild]

Dear Susan,

There is no need to apologize.  I know how busy you are behind the scenes keeping this site up and running smoothly.  We all appreciate everything that you do Susan. 

Thank you for confirming that I am understanding correctly how I found the real Cynthia.  I have been loving her all along but just recently found out her name, right?  I didn't have a name yet for the person I was loving? I thought I was loving the male all along but actually it was her that I was loving the whole time.  I understand that the transition is the outside catching up to the inside. 

Thank you for being so patient and understanding as I circle back on some questions.  I really appreciate that I can ask as many times as I need to.  I appreciate everyone still being there.

Cynthia and I have had a couple of different conversations recently.  It was good for me to hear what was on her mind and in her heart.  I  listened as she talked.  It did help to hear from her about what has been on her mind and in her heart. 

I really do want to give back.  I have received so much help and support.  I want to offer that same support to others that may be on this journey.  I was so thrilled when Moonflower came back to the site.  It was good connecting with her. 

I guess I have come a long way from the place I started in.  I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have received to get me where I am today. It is my hope to offer that same love and support to others.  I really like how you said it is a long chain of people who were helped turning around to help others.  Thank you that I am a link in that chain.  It  is truly an honor.  It is a honor being able to be part of this family.  Thank you Susan. 

One day at a time...I will keep doing what I am doing Susan.  Thank you for your encouragement. 

With love,
Amy 

Your thoughts have been incredibly important to me, Amy! 

[Petunia]

Your thoughts have been incredibly important to me, Amy!

This. Thanks Amy

[Finally Anna]

I have been loving her all along but just recently found out her name, right?  I didn't have a name yet for the person I was loving? I thought I was loving the male all along but actually it was her that I was loving the whole time.  I understand that the transition is the outside catching up to the inside.

The very essence and beautiful in its simplicity (and complexity). 💕

[Pugs4life]

Your thoughts have been incredibly important to me, Amy!

@KristaFairchild Thank you so much! 

[Pugs4life]

@Petunia

💜

[Pugs4life]

Thank you @Finally Anna for your response!  It is so nice to hear from you!

[Pugs4life]

Hello All,

I am writing because I am having an incredibly hard time with my spouse's transition.  I am feeling quite "stuck" and don't know what to do.  We seem to be at an impass.  She isn't happy about where I am at and I am not happy about where she is at.  I want to work through what I am feeling but I don't know what to do or how to do it. 

My spouse is currently doing vocal coaching and has an appointment in September for an intake with the surgeons office. Next week she has an hair consultation appointment with a stylist.  She also wants to explore her presentation more and practice things.  These are big steps for me and make me feel like things are moving way too quickly for me.  It makes me feel like she is moving full steam ahead regardless of anyone or anything  I want to be able to more accepting of the changes as they come.  I am just at a loss as to how to accept the changes when I feel the way that I do. 

Any advice or help you guys can offer would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you so much for listening. 

With love,
Amy

[KristaFairchild]

Every person has their own experience; I'll share mine as related to speed of transition. 

I had my ears pierced in 2022, thinking I could be trans. Had I been more aware of myself, I would have said probably trans. 

I fully transitioned this past month. 

I'm a science person and if I graphed this, it would look like acceleration, like climate temperatures over the past 170 years. So slow, then slightly faster, then OMG THIS IS HAPPENING NOW!!!

All my "choices" felt like a battle between who I was vs how society and loved ones perceived me. 

The biggest roadblock was my wife - and my fears about our marriage.

Anyway, you've heard this all before. Glacially slow transition from 2022 to fall of 2025. I knew my presentation had changed a lot but others were less sure. This helped me feel safe but also frustrated me at times. I had built a dam and the gates allowed a trickle of transition to pass through. It was enough for a long time. 

The dam cracked in late 2025. I stopped denying I was trans, to myself. I knew who I was and what I NEEDED, not wanted. I tried to keep the brakes on, fearing for my marriage. At night I dreamed of advancing my presentation, and in the morning I watered it down for my wife. 

I couldn't hold it back 🥹. The choice became a compulsion. I've experienced negative and addictive compulsions and this was not that. 

The real me was desperate to be seen and also terrified. 

At some point I realized I had to be me. I could no more stay Nate than I could become a D&D character. We don't choose our identities. 

I realized something that I hated. Something I didn't share, to anyone. It angered and saddened me. I was torn apart inside and wanted to scream! 

I could no longer pretend to be someone that I'm not. Not even for my beloved wife of 23 years. 

I fought that at times, trying to go slowly for her. But OMG the skirts at the back of my closet whispered their delights. Dammit! 

Then dam broke!!! I started taking my most feminine things in the car with me when I went to the Genderquest meeting and changing in the car. 

It was scary but OH! It felt so right! 

By then I had an Amazon wish list full of items I wanted. Maybe needed. Male clothes felt disgusting. My body parts seemed wrong. I read stories of people in Susan's Place, in biographies, in local meetings. I needed what they had. 

It kept accelerating. Going fully femme to work was scary yet right. Within a month I was doing so regularly. Then came a meeting of 400 coworkers. Then I was on TV. 

I had never felt so alive. The sky seemed brighter and the trees greener. I knew I could not stop. I was on a freight train. 

In the midst of this my wife and I talked and she affirmed and supported my transition. This launched me even faster. I was deeply grateful. 

What helped her was a YouTube channel about Shay and Amanda, a cis couple that became a trans and cis couple. I think she saw me. Saw us. Saw love. 

My love for my wife never faltered. My urge to be who she wanted me to be was powerful. But I HAD to be me! 

Now I am. There was no choice for me. 

[Finally Anna]

To get also a (possibly) different view, possibly as in yet to see.

I'm out to myself since five months. Fully out to wife since two, half-out since four.
So far my changes move slowly. Hair is way longer and will continue to get longer, androgynous clothing, femmeish perfumes, long nails with polish, a bit of change movement/behaviour, more or less unnoticeable makeup, always underdressing, ...
But, I am on a slippery slope. The femme gravitation is there all the time and it seems to slowly work its pull.

I am feeling quite "stuck" and don't know what to do.  We seem to be at an impass.  She isn't happy about where I am at and I am not happy about where she is at. 

We, I and wife, both know and have agreed together that we just don't know how things will play out. But we do know that we really WANT to be together and that is our "foundation" in this journey. She understands that I need some level of feminisation and she will be as welcoming and accepting as she can, but will tell me if she gets uncomfortably uneasy about things. I will (try to) go slowly, meaning to not rush things just because of euphoria but instead be intentionally hesitant until I know that I cannot avoid doing whatever change I have to do.
However, since things are moving a bit slowly for me she hasn't really been put to the test yet and I plainly don't know what I will need when it comes to femininity. I don't know and the only way of knowing is to continue living the life.

I think she saw me. Saw us. Saw love.

My wife now gets the real me. The softer and more sensitive me that she met 40 yrs ago and that she loves a lot, loves more than the closeted life-happened male version of me. The road towards that real me might be bumpy, but it's a road worth travelling.
💕

[darilee]

This is an interesting topic I'm 69 years old, married for 38 years, three adult children, seven grandchildren, and retired nine years.

I began sensing I was transgender roughly in 2010 I didn't think of it as mtf transitioning I viewed myself as a gay bottom. I don't want to bore anyone with everything in between up to April 2021 that's the date I had my orchiectomy.

I hadn't yet begun estrogen at that point; nobody was interested in giving me a vaginoplasty and I really didn't want it, I felt that the surgery was too extreme. I drove 2-1/2 hours to the hospital with my wife at my side and was back home by nighttime, two weeks later I was injecting testosterone and four months after that I started on estradiol valerate.

I told my wife that this is as far as I wanted to take this, I remember her mentioning that she had zero interest to being married to a Caitlyn Jenner that actually scared the heck out of me because I didn't want to lose her.

This past January I had gotten my weight from 184 down to 120 and started wearing women's Jeans and tops with her support, I have gotten so small that I don't fit into men's clothing anymore they just don't fit right because of the changes that has occurred to my body, I got my required 2 wpath letters and have a surgery date for a peritoneal pull thru vaginoplasty this December 2nd, 2026.

Our marriage has definitely been strained as a result of all this, but she is still by my side. She asks me questions that I just have such a hard time answering, we've been fighting and yelling at each other almost regularly as a result of all the stress this has produced but were still together.

I don't present female in public meaning I don't wear a wig, makeup, dresses, but I have continued wearing women's jeans and tops and under clothing. That is where we are at, she is presently attending all my psychologist and doctor appointments with me, and she has agreed to support and help me get thru recovery. It has taken 15+ years to get this far; we still support and love each other.