Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

You've been awfully quiet of late Charlotte. Is everything OK?

I'm away up to Alnwick for the day but I'll check back in with you when I get back.

Sarah xx

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi Charlotte!


I hope your week is going well.


Chrissy

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hey Sarah, Hey Chrissy.

Thanks for your messages.
I'm ok I guess. Been avoiding posting anything as nothing good i want to say. I really enjoyed the furry convention. Still detest my body and lack of femininity, and still nothing I really want to do with my life.

[Stottie Girl]

Hey Sarah, Hey Chrissy.

Thanks for your messages.
I'm ok I guess. Been avoiding posting anything as nothing good i want to say. I really enjoyed the furry convention. Still detest my body and lack of femininity, and still nothing I really want to do with my life.

Hey! there you are! Just checking up on you!

It's hard to get motivated to do anything in this heat mind. I had to force myself to go out today.

What's the revised femininity timescales now then? Was it February you are planing for the op? Are there any other things you are looking to do to boost your femininity in the mean time? i know you are getting electrolysis, How's that going? Are you noticing a difference with the beard stubble yet?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks for checking in on me. It's very appreciated. Going the convention I would say i easily saw at least 50 other trans women which was both highly elating and confusing at the same time. In the fandom its fairly common for trans people to take a very middle ground and not go fully into presenting as a woman. But they were all stunning and I was fixated on how beautiful each of their individual presentations were. In a way I felt like I might find my own peace in that way too. But the fandom is a safe space, which is obvious with all the bathrooms turned gender neutral. I still fear how much strength I would need to wear a non passing, queer, mtf presentation outside the fandom. But its alluring - retaining that link to my trans roots. Visibily flying the flag without hiding my journey.

But I still feel a lot of envy too. On one hand I'm experiencing a deep appreciation of alternative gender expression, but on the other had highly envious of some. Its a weird space to be in for someone like me as you're subjected to great highs yet big self esteem issues all at once. I guess I get really overwhelmed and need to release. There was a trans meet and greet. I couldn't go...I knew it would overwhelm me as a currently feel. I need to protect my mental health. I neex to control what I see and experience to avoid triggers or just overstimulation. Both would floor me.

A good thing is I had the intro with my counsellor from Birmingham LGBT. She is a trans women herself and I've got up to 16 free sessions to go over all my issues with trabsitioning. I'm hoping to work this out with here and determine what I really want. Is fully passing what I really want? Or do I want a more alternative gender expression and if so, how do I grow with this and find contentment.

I'm only having electrolysis down there for my GRS in February. But laser has removed 85% of the dark hairs on my face. Basically facial hair is gone enough to not show at all once shaved. I want more from my hair  but i just need it to grow and eventually get hair transplant as I've lost a lot on the front and probably 40% from my crown. Its fully covered  but too thin to get much volume for women's styles. I'd love enough length to put it in a bun. I think it will come. Then i need to take stock again in a few months.

I think 1st year onwards for HRT can be a tough time. Things happening but a lot of uncertainty.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Here is a few pictures from Confuzzled if you're interested. I'm really missing it. I miss the freedom. Just being yourself and surrounded by the most beautiful people ever. Playing Magic The Gathering with new people. Meeting cute fursuiters. And made a couple of friends. Its a very special thing for people that really don't fit in out there.

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks for checking in on me. It's very appreciated. Going the convention I would say i easily saw at least 50 other trans women which was both highly elating and confusing at the same time. In the fandom its fairly common for trans people to take a very middle ground and not go fully into presenting as a woman. But they were all stunning and I was fixated on how beautiful each of their individual presentations were. In a way I felt like I might find my own peace in that way too. But the fandom is a safe space, which is obvious with all the bathrooms turned gender neutral. I still fear how much strength I would need to wear a non passing, queer, mtf presentation outside the fandom. But its alluring - retaining that link to my trans roots. Visibily flying the flag without hiding my journey.

But I still feel a lot of envy too. On one hand I'm experiencing a deep appreciation of alternative gender expression, but on the other had highly envious of some. Its a weird space to be in for someone like me as you're subjected to great highs yet big self esteem issues all at once. I guess I get really overwhelmed and need to release. There was a trans meet and greet. I couldn't go...I knew it would overwhelm me as a currently feel. I need to protect my mental health. I neex to control what I see and experience to avoid triggers or just overstimulation. Both would floor me.

A good thing is I had the intro with my counsellor from Birmingham LGBT. She is a trans women herself and I've got up to 16 free sessions to go over all my issues with trabsitioning. I'm hoping to work this out with here and determine what I really want. Is fully passing what I really want? Or do I want a more alternative gender expression and if so, how do I grow with this and find contentment.

I'm only having electrolysis down there for my GRS in February. But laser has removed 85% of the dark hairs on my face. Basically facial hair is gone enough to not show at all once shaved. I want more from my hair  but i just need it to grow and eventually get hair transplant as I've lost a lot on the front and probably 40% from my crown. Its fully covered  but too thin to get much volume for women's styles. I'd love enough length to put it in a bun. I think it will come. Then i need to take stock again in a few months.

I think 1st year onwards for HRT can be a tough time. Things happening but a lot of uncertainty.

Charlotte 😻

It sounds great news about your counsellor, I think it will do you the power of good to talk through all these issues with her. As so many people have said, full transition is only one option among many. There is no defined path just the path that is right for you. She should be able to help you refine your journey.

I think most people feel a little envy when they see beautiful women, particularly stunning trans women. I know I do. I think it is perfectly normal, though I know it seems to be a bigger issue with you.

50 trans people there? That's very significant! I know it's dificult but you mustn't compare yourself to them. They are all on different journeys and diferent timescales. I'm not sure how I would deal with it to be honest. I've only met two trans people in my life to talk to. I probably wouldn't be able to shut up talking to them asking 101 questions ha ha! I'd probably get booted out for annoying everyone!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Charlotte,

As you contemplate your transition and expression goals, do not limit yourself to a linear progression M ----------> F. I know you want to be on the F end of it, but also be able to express something in between.

What's to stop you from moving to F with surgery, etc., but then in your daily expression, slip slightly back toward M? Or just incorporate things to make it appear that way.

You keep your inner peace knowing you are a woman, and still maintain your trans roots through your expression.

Even if someone were to question it, perhaps you are FtM instead of MtF. How would they know? Most just won't care.

Just something to consider. You are not locking yourself into any one thing.

[davina61]

I do hot rod building but there are a lot of ladies that do as well, gives me an "excuse" to still be a bit blokey ! No I dont wear a pink boiler suit either.

[Petunia]

Charlotte, of the 50 trans girls you saw how many were younger than you?

How many were teenagers or in their twenties?

I find all kids these days are pretty.

[Gina P]

I love that rainbow top. Looks so cute on you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Heyya,
I'm going to have a break from here for a week or two. I don't feel great about myself and consequently being here is more triggering than helping. I don't feel I belong as a trans person right now so not really relating to anything I see here at the moment.

I just feel like nothing is happening right now or going to happen in the near future. I'm not good with patience as patience is just anxiety over what probably won't go that well over the next months. I've learnt to not be optimistic.

Thanks for your support, I'll try back in a while if i feel better.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

That's disapointing to hear Charlotte but you have to do what you think is best for you. I appreciate you letting us know at least. It's awful when people dissapear and you have no idea what happened to them.

You need to sort through these feelings before you go for major surgery so if going on a break helps you do that, then I'm all for it.

Know that you will be missed. Catch up when you return petal. Take care.

Sarah xx

[Sephirah]

I am so sorry I got to this too late, Charlotte.

If you see this, please email me okay? I would like to talk to you about some things, if that's okay. No pressure but, maybe you don't have to feel so lost. Or just reply to this if you want.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm back tentatively. I've been figuring some stuff out in my head. I think I'm begining to piece together who I am again and relieve this identity crisis.

Conclusion - transition can be tough! It should make us feel great all the time because its what we've always wanted. But the reality - its amazing- overall. But its not painless. The reconfiguration of our being comes with a mess of confusion and expectation vs. reality. This all comes with no warning.

Well I can't wait to talk to my trans therapist on Tuesday who will undoubtedly help. I've also made a few friend's from the furry con whilst reconnecting with my little side. All very kind, creative and gentle people.  Inherently part of me never grew up and is something I need to retain to be free. So will be an interesting journey maybe.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

Glad to see you posting, Charlotte.

It never hurts to take a break and reassess. Sometimes we need to unplug and recharge the batteries so we can keep going.

Your assessment is correct. It is hard. And there are people who think this is just a fad, or we woke up one morning and decided this is what we want to do for kicks. They have no idea just how hard it can be.

I am glad you have your furry friends and running group to help you see that being you is a good thing and far from impossible. Just keep being you. Never grow up.

Hugs!

[Stottie Girl]

Well that's all fantastic news Charlotte, great to have you back with us.

Love the office girl avatar! I really hope everything goes well for you on Thursday and great news about your furry connections!

Missed ya!

Sarah xx

[Petunia]

+1 to Sarahs post. I'm really happy for you that you're back.

I always click on your avatar to see what your next delight is.

I love this one. It really suits you

It looks like a lacy cami there and a very nicely matched necklace. Nicely done girl

[davina61]

Glad you have thought things through, just keep doing you again my dear and stuff will work out. Your looking great as well, tell those doubts to do one!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm trying, but did need a few days away or I'll just have snapped into a bad narrative. I think when I'm tired and burnt out this happens too.

Appreciate the compliments on the avatar. I've been waiting for the weather to wear this. Might seen silly but showing my bra straps was so affirming. Just seeing them there felt so nice. And I've figured something out...natural boobs under fitted stuff and I put the boosters in to wear loose fitting stuff and feel more affirmed. That works for me and maximises my femininity.

Hope everyone is ok too?

Charlotte 😻