Charlotte's scratch post

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think you should consider attending. Your biggest obstacle is your fear of rejection. At every LGBTQ event I have attended, everyone has been very accepting, no matter how weird people looked or acted. Furry events are the same way. Many outsiders don't get it. But the people who attend do, and you are one of them.

As you know, from people here, our community is the most accepting place on Earth. I think if you dip your toes in the water there and see how fun it can be, you might be able to relax and enjoy yourself. Over time, definitely not right away, but over time, you can use that positive experience to expand your horizons a bit.

Give it some thought. I think it will be good for you.

[Stottie Girl]

Why feel guilt Charlotte? We like to see your journey and how your style and appearance is evolving. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Instead of comparing yourself to other trans women at this event and feeling you don't measure up I think it will be far more likely that the opposite will be true. You have come a very long way since I first met you on Susans. You can be proud of your journey so far.

[Petunia]

Charlotte, I agree with Courtney.

The first one sounds more feminine and listening to it that voice is coming from a woman.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I definitely would like to attend Lori as it's a particular space that I can be myself and move into another side of me that I want to explore. If it works out I can literally escape my reality for a while. But I do have to make sure I'm ready for it emotionally. Just happens that 70% of the people into this kinda thing are trans, and in their 20s/30s so lots of risk of me comparing to others or feeling inadequate. But I deliberately started the discussion with my therapist who knows exactly where I'm going so is ready to help me prepare (I cant really disclose the content on here as its NSFW and pretty taboo to some). Luckily I know one person going who I met at the furry con and will have my bf with me.

Sarah, I feel guilt as my whole schema is set that its vulgar to share stuff about yourself, particularly positive stuff as that is like showing off or bigging yourself up. Every time I share I go through this fight in my mind to as if I should, because it makes me vulgar as a person if I show people stuff about me that I'm proud of. This is in part why I'm hopeless at music. I make stuff but too scared to share it as don't want to seem too proud or big headed. And don't want to bother people as they'll think I'm pushy. I'm getting better but those feelings and ones of inadequacy still persist. I see posts by people online where they say things like "I think I look pretty today" with a photo. I find that absolutely impossible to do myself due to self doubt and those feelings as above. Being out there was met with mockery or disapproval for much of my life. That persists.

Thanks Petunia for the ->-bleeped-<-. With Courtney's thumbs up that gives me a good basis to work on. Thank you.

Charlotte X

@Lori Dee @Stottie Girl @Petunia

[davina61]

Well its time you "bigged" your self up then!!

[Petunia]

Charlotte, sweety, no judgement from me.

I thought I had a fetish for years but it was simply just me being happy.

Stop comparing yourself to kids half your age. Be happy for them and imerse yourself in their joy.

I know you will psych yourself up to go and then panic and want to stay home.

Get your gear ready and when you start to doubt yourself we are all here to push you forward.

I'd love to go somewhere that 70 % of people are trans.

Hot girlie, you're trans, you know it, you look like you're 30. Just smile that smile of yours and you are a winner.

What better place to try out that girl voice you have.

I wish I could walk in with you.

Stop overthinking it and go and do what you want and deserve.

💞

Sweetheart, nothing I say will make things better but if you stay home and do nothing then nothing will happen, until the day after. And you are just going to hate on yourself.

Or you go, nervous as every single transwoman does when they go out, and give it your best shot.

You can't honestly believe you are the only one of us with doubts.

I talk a good talk, but I calm the nerves and realise anyone who doesn't like me doesn't matter to me.

I focus on the occasional compliment

Moderator edit: Removed profanity

[Stottie Girl]

I can't say I've ever noticed someone saying "I think I look pretty today" Charlotte. More often I see people who are posting images of themselves who want ->-bleeped-<-. They want to know they are doing things right (or wrong).

If I post an image of myself then I am usually either implicitly or explicitly asking for an opinion rather than saying "here I am, I think I'm pretty". I'm sure that is all other posters are doing. A lot of us are in the closet so have no-one to source opinions or critique from. You are out in the world and you have a partner to ask but if you want to post images for opinion or just because you are proud then do it. Nobody here will judge you for it and we quite like to see this stuff. It can help us learn.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I can't say I've ever noticed someone saying "I think I look pretty today" Charlotte. More often I see people who are posting images of themselves who want ->-bleeped-<-. They want to know they are doing things right (or wrong).

If I post an image of myself then I am usually either implicitly or explicitly asking for an opinion rather than saying "here I am, I think I'm pretty". I'm sure that is all other posters are doing. A lot of us are in the closet so have no-one to source opinions or critique from. You are out in the world and you have a partner to ask but if you want to post images for opinion or just because you are proud then do it. Nobody here will judge you for it and we quite like to see this stuff. It can help us learn.

Oh you'd probably not see anyone posting here like that, but on Threads its quite common for trans women to post selfies affirming themselves. I discussed this with my therapist and agreed there is nothing inherently wrong with this. I might try it when I'm feeling good one day just to feel what thats like. The other side though I've already had random guys hitting on me lol. Their lines definitely need some work! And occasionally getting slightly flirty with some other trans women is fun!

[Stottie Girl]

Excuse my ignorance but what is Threads? To me it's an extremely bleak film about a nuclear attack in Sheffield!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Excuse my ignorance but what is Threads? To me it's an extremely bleak film about a nuclear attack in Sheffield!

Its a spin off from Instagram where you post stuff and it ends up in people's streams to see and comment.
Now I've been invited to snuggle up by someone on there lol. I might have posted a slightly suggestive picture though 😆


Soon going into round table group on testing for hrt. Should be interesting.

[Alana Ashleigh]

Its a spin off from Instagram where you post stuff and it ends up in people's streams to see and comment.
Now I've been invited to snuggle up by someone on there lol. I might have posted a slightly suggestive picture though 😆


Soon going into round table group on testing for hrt. Should be interesting.

Threads is the one thing I can't bring myself to join. I get alerts from IG to join.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

The meet was really good and had lots of positive conversations about diy hrt and potentially an offering of free hornone testing at some point if the project comes off. Great to hear all the different opinions and glad i was there as almost certainly the oldest attendee, unless someone else is very blessed!! I'm enjoying getting involved in these kinds of things. They even gave us all a £50 voucher for it.

Thursday voice 🔗 [Link: drive.google.com/file/d/1eldx7ULRa9oY3GA2PIJjaBZbWJAqiWg7/view/]

Here is today's voice test. As mentioned earlier my colleagues said i sounded female and i didn't even bring the subject up. The only thing is by the evening i struggle to feel my larynx so much and its fatigued. Feels like after a days effort the sensation is lost so i struggle to hold the voice later. Is this normal? I'm guessing i just need to keep at it and hopefully it'll get both more natural and the muscle will build?

Charlotte ❤️

[Lori Dee ✅]

by the evening i struggle to feel my larynx so much and its fatigued. Feels like after a days effort the sensation is lost so i struggle to hold the voice later. Is this normal? I'm guessing i just need to keep at it and hopefully it'll get both more natural and the muscle will build?

Like any muscle, it takes time and exercise to build. Keep at it. You are doing great. Eventually, you will get to the point where this becomes your normal voice, and you will struggle to change it back.

The first time I met @Jessica_Rose in South Dakota, I was so impressed with her voice. She struggled for a moment to show me her old voice. What a difference. I also told her to never do that again. It was almost scary.

You will get there. Your dedication to this will pay off. You are making very quick progress!

[Sephirah]

I only really got to know this one person at the furry meet as she had a problem with the illuminated eyes on her fursuit. I offered to fix them so went to her house and sorted it one day. As such we now catch up at every meet.

Its kinda like if I feel I have a reason to chat with people I will, but struggle if that's not the case. And even when I get to know someone a bit more, I'm very reluctant to try take a friendship to say meeting up outside of that context. I have a paralysing feeling that they wont really want to be friends as why would they with me? And then what do we talk about, do we really have much in common or will they just agree to be sort of friends just cos they don't want to say no.

Overwhelmingly I firmly believe that no one would really want to be friends as I'm boring and they've got so many more interesting people to choose from. Then if we were friends I seriously would feel so uncomfortable, constantly overthinking every word I say and then go home after completely overwhelmed replaying the whole conversations and engagement wondering if I did something stupid. I'd worry that they wouldn't want to be friends after that.

So mostly I'm too shy to talk with anyone else either without a good reason or minimised to compliments and small talk.

Charlotte

@Stottie Girl @Petunia

Sorry for chiming in on this, Charlotte, but... I don't think you're introverted... at all. And I think this contributes to a lot of your frustration. You strike me as someone who, when she feels at ease and comfortable, is... and wants to be... the life of the party. But most of the time you don't feel you can be, and it makes you feel worse because it makes you feel somehow inadequate.

A lot of what you've said in this post strikes me as not so much introversion, but rock bottom self-esteem and social anxiety. Mainly because you talk about why would someone want to be friends with you, rather than why would you want to be friends with them, you know? Which is a small but important difference.

It is something you can work on, sweetie. Something you can overcome. It doesn't always have to be that way. No doubt someone in your life will have told you that you're boring, and no one would want to be friends with you, as a way to be nasty to you. To hurt you. And you took it to heart to such a degree that it's on your checklist for how you see the world. Long after the person who said it, or implied it, is gone. That's kind of how our brains work. Constantly reading from scripts set down sometimes years ago. They are very slow to embrace change and new ideas. And try to protect us from being hurt. Usually via isolation. No one can hurt you if no one can get to know you, you know? So your mind has a little cocktail of fear and insecurity and self-hatred it likes to inject whenever there's the possibility of you being vulnerable. To make you avoid it entirely.

The interesting thing is, the other person you're worrying about how you are towards, Charlotte, is quite probably worrying about the same thing towards you. Because we kind of share a degree of messed up-ness.

Anyway... my point is that it's not who you are, sweetie. It's what you believe. And beliefs can change.

*big hugs*

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sorry for chiming in on this, Charlotte, but... I don't think you're introverted... at all. And I think this contributes to a lot of your frustration. You strike me as someone who, when she feels at ease and comfortable, is... and wants to be... the life of the party. But most of the time you don't feel you can be, and it makes you feel worse because it makes you feel somehow inadequate.

A lot of what you've said in this post strikes me as not so much introversion, but rock bottom self-esteem and social anxiety. Mainly because you talk about why would someone want to be friends with you, rather than why would you want to be friends with them, you know? Which is a small but important difference.

It is something you can work on, sweetie. Something you can overcome. It doesn't always have to be that way. No doubt someone in your life will have told you that you're boring, and no one would want to be friends with you, as a way to be nasty to you. To hurt you. And you took it to heart to such a degree that it's on your checklist for how you see the world. Long after the person who said it, or implied it, is gone. That's kind of how our brains work. Constantly reading from scripts set down sometimes years ago. They are very slow to embrace change and new ideas. And try to protect us from being hurt. Usually via isolation. No one can hurt you if no one can get to know you, you know? So your mind has a little cocktail of fear and insecurity and self-hatred it likes to inject whenever there's the possibility of you being vulnerable. To make you avoid it entirely.

The interesting thing is, the other person you're worrying about how you are towards, Charlotte, is quite probably worrying about the same thing towards you. Because we kind of share a degree of messed up-ness.

Anyway... my point is that it's not who you are, sweetie. It's what you believe. And beliefs can change.

*big hugs*

Hey Lauren, I hope that you are doing ok and yes scarily I think we share some similar demons! The thing here os you're probably right with 90% of this. There is a huge bit of me that wants to be larger than life, be out there and alive, be liked and obviously I crave some of the limelight. But thats backed by a big dose of guilt that I hold because in my mind craving those kinda things is vulgar. Makes you a show off or like you love yourself. I cant do that because it feels wrong. And I'm totally scared to mess up and look silly. Add that I definitely don't think ive got anything intersting to talk about, it becomes a contradictive mess. I see myself as a contradiction - fearless going out there wearing attention grabbing stuff and owning it with attitude. Yet terrified to make friends. I love what I see in myself one minute and hate it the next. I'm kind like a house of cards. Impressive but fall with a slight breeze.

And its scary you totally get how I feel and how I function.

Thank you sooo much for supporting me and making me really think about stuff. You are so kind, articulate and empathetic. Yet i know you are dealing with your own stuff. Sending so many cuddles and lots of love.

Charlotte  😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Like any muscle, it takes time and exercise to build. Keep at it. You are doing great. Eventually, you will get to the point where this becomes your normal voice, and you will struggle to change it back.

The first time I met @Jessica_Rose in South Dakota, I was so impressed with her voice. She struggled for a moment to show me her old voice. What a difference. I also told her to never do that again. It was almost scary.

You will get there. Your dedication to this will pay off. You are making very quick progress!

I get this could be true as at some points in the day I'm struggling to switch back. Like when trying to show my old voice. I think im dropping to an intermediate voice rather than my old one.

It was the Whisper Siren exercise that made it all click for me. Built on all that range I'd exercised to achieve

[Sephirah]

Makes you a show off or like you love yourself. I cant do that because it feels wrong. And I'm totally scared to mess up and look silly. Add that I definitely don't think ive got anything intersting to talk about, it becomes a contradictive mess.

Sweetie it isn't a contradiction, it's all part of the same thing. You feel like it's not okay to love yourself. To be okay with yourself and be out there in the world for the exact same reason you are scared to make friends.

Because you don't feel like anyone could love you for who you are. You don't feel like people could "get" you. And that it's not okay to show off. To love yourself. To be into what you're into and find anyone who shares your passions. To flaunt who you are for the world to see. Girl... you have been through a lot in your life. I know you have. From what you've shared with me. And thank you for your trust, by the way, I know that isn't easy. You've been put in a corner and made to feel like you're less than. To the point that you've internalised it to such a degree that you feel like you don't deserve to be "more than". And... when you compare yourself to other people, it isn't about what they have that you don't... it's about how they use it in a way you don't feel you can. That's what eats you up.

Sweetie, I do get you. And I just... I know me telling you that you're not who or what you think you are won't change how you feel. Because it has to come from inside you. But I want to tell you that... it doesn't always have to be like this okay? It is not something you have to deal with forever. It is something you can work on, if you want to.

You don't have to believe in yourself straight away. Just... know that there are people out there who do believe in you, and believe that you have it within you to be the person you want to be. Outside of the negative self-talk and incessant questioning. People who see you outside of you. Outside of the emotional mind games our brains are fascinated with.

You are worth it, Charlotte. You are.

[Courtney G]

Here is today's voice test. As mentioned earlier my colleagues said i sounded female and i didn't even bring the subject up. The only thing is by the evening i struggle to feel my larynx so much and it's fatigued. Feels like after a days effort the sensation is lost so i struggle to hold the voice later. Is this normal? I'm guessing i just need to keep at it and hopefully it'll get both more natural and the muscle will build?

It sounds quite nice, Charlotte. As I said before, I truly think you'd benefit from slowing down, more than anything. Reading at about 1/2 of that speed would be a good place to start. I have a feeling it's going to be difficult for you, but please go easy on yourself.

I hear the strain in your voice, as this sounds a bit higher in pitch and a bit thinner/smaller than your other practice. I'm far from an expert on this but I think you should let pitch go a bit and focus on inflection. It's more important than pitch, anyway. You have the tools there, though.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Courtney said what I heard, too. Your voice is right on. Try slowing down a little and working on enunciation. I don't mean Sarah's "plum in your mouth" level, just take your time and work on speaking clearly.

You got the hard part down. Now you are just fine-tuning. By keeping your voice at the level that you want and introducing speed and clarity, you are exercising different muscles and teaching them to all work together.

You have the throat under control; now you are working with the mouth and tongue. This should help you with everything from speaking to singing. You are doing a wonderful job!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you Lauren for the additional kind, but again very poignant words. You seem to repeatedly hit the nail on the head and have a really special talent to see these depths very clearly. There is a lot to work on, but this helps and can also discuss with my therapist. Hopefully progress will come.


Thanks Lori and Courtney for your constructive ->-bleeped-<-. This is so useful as it gets harder to determine the next meaningful steps towards the goal. I'll work on those points tomorrow. I'm trying and have slown down a little, but it is tough for me. I've never been great at talking slowly! Just trying to bring in inflection too. Its actually tougher not to overdo it. Some of my tries sounded weird with too much. I guess its finding the right places and how much. But kinda got to learn every word and how i form it best.  Guess that is time and practice.

@Sephirah @Lori Dee @Courtney G