Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, from what you've told me... I don't think it's inherited from your dad as much as it is caused by him. And the stuff you went through at a very vulnerable age. It... affected you, deeply. Things you think you would just grow out of... you don't.

Can I ask, Charlotte... did you ever talk to someone about your relationship with your dad? I know what you told me and I can only give you a luddite's take on it. Take that for what it is. But more to the point, did they let you explain what that meant to you? And how you can even start to deal with it?

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

I think a lot was caused by him for sure, but his mental state was very questionable too. I believe he attempted suicide twice and had very down, depressive episodes at times. He was however very controlling.

I have discussed quite a bit with my therapist which helps. However I'm awaiting psychiatry as this is just part of a very broken sense of self and extremely volatile self esteem. For instance I'll admit that yesterday I cut both of my arms on the train with my keys. All because I saw someone compared their before and after transition photos in AI and said they were only like 40% similar. I did the same with my photos and it said 82% similar. My whole self is and always has been sat on a knife edge.  Takes virtually nothing to break it completely. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train but couldn't as thought about my partner at home. Honestly its not normal to have that fragile sense of self. But absolutely normal in BPD. Because your whole identity and feeling is totally dependant on outside appraisal. I feel exactly like that. Honestly its exhausting and completely debilitating.

Thank you for so much kindness Lauren. Despite a rocky start today i pulled myself out the darkness and had a nice day. So right now I speak from clarity and a good place.

Hoping you're doing ok and had a lovely day too?

Hugs
Charlotte 😻

[Sephirah]

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

I think a lot was caused by him for sure, but his mental state was very questionable too. I believe he attempted suicide twice and had very down, depressive episodes at times. He was however very controlling.

I have discussed quite a bit with my therapist which helps. However I'm awaiting psychiatry as this is just part of a very broken sense of self and extremely volatile self esteem. For instance I'll admit that yesterday I cut both of my arms on the train with my keys. All because I saw someone compared their before and after transition photos in AI and said they were only like 40% similar. I did the same with my photos and it said 82% similar. My whole self is and always has been sat on a knife edge.  Takes virtually nothing to break it completely. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train but couldn't as thought about my partner at home. Honestly its not normal to have that fragile sense of self. But absolutely normal in BPD. Because your whole identity and feeling is totally dependant on outside appraisal. I feel exactly like that. Honestly its exhausting and completely debilitating.

Thank you for so much kindness Lauren. Despite a rocky start today i pulled myself out the darkness and had a nice day. So right now I speak from clarity and a good place.

Hoping you're doing ok and had a lovely day too?

Hugs
Charlotte 😻

Sweeie don't worry about me, okay?

This is about you.

Can I ask... why do you feel your sense of self is based on outside approval? What is it that other people can tell you that you can't tell yourself? Why does their opinion matter more than your own?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Just something to think about.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sweeie don't worry about me, okay?

This is about you.

Can I ask... why do you feel your sense of self is based on outside approval? What is it that other people can tell you that you can't tell yourself? Why does their opinion matter more than your own?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Just something to think about.

This is the bit I don't know. Its not even a thought, its deeper imside than that. Without external validation I'm completely empty inside. I get really stressed and then just hate on myself. I've not known any different for 40 odd years. Its less a thought and more like sustenance that I need to exist. I know its irrational but its well under my consciousness and at times controls everything about my conscious mind.

Hugs Charlotte x

[Sephirah]

This is the bit I don't know. Its not even a thought, its deeper imside than that. Without external validation I'm completely empty inside. I get really stressed and then just hate on myself. I've not known any different for 40 odd years. Its less a thought and more like sustenance that I need to exist. I know its irrational but its well under my consciousness and at times controls everything about my conscious mind.

Hugs Charlotte x

Then it isn't irrational, Charlotte. There's a reason for it. You just don't know what it is. That's not your fault. Something caused you to feel this way. Something you either can't remember, or don't want to. But it happened all the same.

I suspect... that people have given you a sense of worth, throughout your life. People have told you who you are, and who you should be. To the point that you lost your own voice. You've become reliant on what people tell you that you are. Because when YOU try to tell you who you are, it gets drowned out. Lost. So you've got to a point that you don't even hear it anymore.

Again, that's not your fault, Charlotte. You grew up in that kind of environment. Where you were told who and what to be. Or if not told... shown, sometimes forcefully. It's what you know. And how you feel like the only way you can be anything, is to get approval for it.

Your own voice got silenced, Charlotte. A long time ago. That's what it seems like to me. Like... you're too scared to speak. For fear of what it might mean. And this isn't just about being trans, sweetie. It's about other things you've dealt with. You know what I mean.

So... you forgot how to listen to yourself, and you learned only how to listen to everyone else. Because... it's a defence mechanism for you. To not be hurt. To be someone you think everyone else wants you to be. Because you don't want to face what could happen if you didn't. And if you chose to ignore what people want for you.

I understand why you feel this way, Charlotte. Girl, you've had to deal with a lot. And the things you've been through have done a real number on you. Just... have a think about it okay? People have decided who you're supposed to be for a lot of your life. Without you really getting a say. To the point that you're not really sure how to go about having one.

That doesn't mean you can't.

<3

[Petunia]

I want to be careful about what I write.  I know the feeling of depression that seems to come out suddenly.

I know the feeling of self hate. Nothing anybody says really alters that desparate despair.

What helped me most was my therapist talking me through what has happened to me.

If you look at your life from the outside as if it's another person.

What you've said about your father is he abused you. Yeah his mental health would have been hard for him but it doesn't mean he had to treat you the way he did.

A parent is meant to love, protect and nuture their children. Not having that always causes issues for a child.

You've talked about how you felt growing up. You didn't have enough love from others and not much support.

You mentioned how you've been ridiculed. Spat on. Verbally abused.

If you saw this happening to someone else would you show them compassion? Would you expect they would have a hard time living from day to day?

Would you want to give them a big hug and a shoulder to cry on?

Would you try and explain to that person that their transition is going fine? They look like and sound like a woman even if they don't have the capacity to believe you?

Would you point out to this person how loved they are because you've seen them reach out and help other people when they themselves are suffering?

Would you try to convince them they need to put themselves first? Tell them it is totally understandable to feel how they do?
Wish they can afford themselves some self compassion, the same compassion they show other people?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks all for the feedback - much appreciated. I'm going to stop blogging for a bit to be honest as I haven't really got anything exciting to say a and I can't say I'm really enjoying it anymore. Of course the replies I get have been appreciated, but I feel I'm really at a brick wall right now and to be honest I can just keep a private diary if I wish.

Will catch up again maybe if I have something worthwhile to add.

Charlotte X

[Devlyn ✅]

If you don't feel like blogging just pop into one of my topics. We can just use double entendres and innuendo all day and have a great time. 😀

Hugs, Devlyn

[Petunia]

Take care Charlotte

💓

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

A few things happened now over the week. Been ill with a cold through these hot days which has made my voice training difficult. Had laser yesterday, but unfortunately this hot weather has made my skin damp so the laser has burnt a patch of my neck. The skin has disintegrated and left a sore open wound and red blotches. Trying not to let it get me down but I look and feel a mess and drenched with it!

I've received 6 months worth of estradiol gel and 12 months of progesterone. Its now time to seriously tell my body I'm expecting it to grow into the shape I'm after. Also now snacking on a whole 500g jar of peabut butter each week. Aiming to gain 5-10 kg in the next months.

I did manage to perform my full rap track and put it to music as a test.  I think it aounds ok, so hopefully when I'm better can finish it.

[Stottie Girl]

Oooh, that's not good Charlotte. I hope it heals quickly. I would be a nightmare if I had to get laser as I'm a right sweaty betty right now with the heat. Roll on next week and the cooler temperatures!

[davina61]

Not good my dear, have you got some cream to help it heal?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I totally feel you with that Sarah, sweatiness that won't subside is definitely rough. It's a little cooler today at least.

Davina, I put sudocreme on it as that will keep infection out and stop further sweat getting into it.

I had a picnic with my fiance today which was nice. We have also booked a few days in Bournemouth. Hopefully it'll be sunny, I can go in the sea in my cute swimsuit! Be nice to enjoy some time with him away.

I honestly still feel very fragile, but trying to fight it! The heat and illness is tiring me out a bit though which always makes me vulnerable to the dark. But I'm winning more battles.