Charlotte's scratch post

[Pema]

Charlotte, I'm so glad you were able to be there in your finest form, representing yourself and your "home family" fully as you. I think that's the kind of authenticity that really allows us to show up and be there for others even in difficult times.

[Charlotte_Ringwood ✅]

Having had my therapy I've got 2 weeks until I'm discharged due to my case being too complex. At this point I either have to appoint a more qualified therapist at £100 per session. I can't afford that weekly or wait it out and hope my second attempt at getting referred to a psychiatrist through NHS is successful.

Unfortunately I'm still completely disengaged from all my hobbies and activities I used to enjoy. And I still hate my own body and ugly reflection at least 75% of the time. Not sure if my surgeon can perform the miracles needed to fix the fact I'm just ugly. I just got to hope.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

That seems crazy to just boot you out due to complexity but I'm not surprised, I was booted out of NHS talking therapies (wouldn't even give me a face to face session) after eight 1 hour long online meetings. Not knocking the girl who did them though, she was great and really helped me. Is something like the online Talking Therapies an option? It's far from ideal and not sure if they can deal with trans issues or not though?

For what it's worth, my hobbies and interests have always changed over the years, I've gone from learning to fly to model making, to cooking, bread making and baking. Then I was onto building road/racer bikes and on to woodworking, but the only one that stuck was photography (even then, I'm not out as much as i want to be). I do vary the genres a bit though and that can keep me focussed (Pun not intended!) I still dabble in woodworking but only in the summer and I'm glad I got into cooking as that's been bloody useful. I suppose hiking has been a constant too if that's a hobby.

My point is that if you aren't engaging in what you used to do, try a new hobby/activity. Keeping interested in something is key to mental health in my (less than expert) opinion. It is when I get stuck in a rut that my mind starts to go to darker thoughts. Maybe try an adult learing course of some sort? Anything to occupy the mind really.

We all look in the mirror and see ugly from time to time. We are often our worst critics. I'm hoping the FFS knife jockeys can perform miracles with me too!

[Charlotte_Ringwood ✅]

Honestly I've had so many hobbies it's untrue. All follow the same pattern. I go hyper focused on the subject, wanting to spend every moment doing something revolving around it. Even can't concentrate at work because of the intense interest. I stay up late doing it. It's like I can't absorb enough of it.

The thing is that I get very good at these. I make good achievements and progress. I don't usually fail then give up. I'm normally doing good.

Then it stabilises...still interested but at a more normal level outside work on occasions I engage in the hobby. Then suddenly the interest drops...I can't even get the energy or motivation for anything to do with the subject. It feels cold and uninspiring. This is usually about 4 to 8 months.

Then I go down a huge depressive hole for many months after with no engagement in any activities I'm not obliged to do.

The cycle is all I've known since being very young. It's very exhausting. I just need to figure this stuff out.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Well, I don't know if it's normal but that is exactly the same as me Charlotte. I get so involved in a subject that it's all I can do, I buy book after book and study everything I can online, obsessively so....and then I get good at it and the interest wanes. I'm not sure if the challenge diminishing is what drives it or whether I get distracted by the next shiny thing. My therapist thought I might actually be somewhere on the autistic spectrum as this trait is common with that condition (I also have problems with crowded spaces and certain types of noise). I've never taken it further though as I get by

On the plus side mastering new skills is very very useful.

As I said this has been a pattern for me from way back and it's only photography that has been relatively constant. Why not try re-visiting some of the hobbies that you gave up on from a long time ago. That's what I did with both woodworking and photography. There are so many hobbies though you're bound to find something.

[Charlotte_Ringwood ✅]

Thanks Stottie Girl for sharing. It does sound very similar for sure. You're correct about being common in autism but also very connected with ADHD. For me this is one of the major issues which on its own is pretty tough. It's coupled with major depressive disorder, which I still think is born from Borderline personality disorder. I don't share everything because it's kinda embarrassing and I feel it paints me as a really awful person, but involves extreme envy coupled with low self image as at least part of it. Part of me knows it's irrational but it's very deeply set in the subconscious.

Anyways I'll have to look through my old hobbies and see if anything jumps out.

Charlotte xXx

[Stottie Girl]

Yeah, My therapist mentioned ADHD as well but I don't think I fit that description. What is totally clear though is that the UK is woeful on mental health help despite all the media hype and publicity, I actually think it is getting worse and there isn't a lot of sympathy out there with the general public I find. So share away if it helps, nobody on here would judge you I'm sure. Only share what you're comfortable with though and don't forget this is public viewing!

I have been envious of women all my life and have always had a feeling that nobody (of either sex) would find me attractive or that people don't like me when they meet me. It's probably baseless but it's how I sometimes feel and distraction is my way of dealing with it. Not sure if a therapist would think thats a good idea though! probably say it's running away.

[Lori Dee ✅]

To me, it sounds like it is not the subject itself, but the learning process you enjoy. When you get good at it, the challenge is gone, so you move to something else. Maybe, instead of just searching for new hobbies, the key is to find new interests or expand your knowledge on things you already enjoy.

Maybe take a class in music theory, production, or something. You already have an interest in it, and you are good at it. But there is always more to learn. Just something to keep you learning, and that learning becomes useful in your career.

[Charlotte_Ringwood ✅]

@Stottie Girl I feel a little more at ease knowing I'm not alone in these kind of thoughts and patterns. I wish that you didn't have to suffer them too though. No thoughts are baseless as they mean something to you, but from the outside perspective you are very attractive (inside and out)...anyone would be very lucky to have your attentions!

@Lori Dee I'm trying to find in person groups to attend as I think I need that social boost. Oddly I've been keeping an eye for poetry or lyrics writing as I still need to cook up some vocals of my own. I just dont feel confident, but know a group setting would really help. I've always thrived with peer support. But everything seems to be online. It's so not the same. I've studied evening classes and you end up having a laugh whilst learning. Then you support and cheer each other on.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Aw Charlotte thanks, You're a beautiful human being, don't ever forget that!

Groups and classes are a great move, I'm not much of a "joiner" myself and am a bit awkward socially so I've always found them daunting but when I have gone, I do thoroughly enjoy them. I tend to crawl back into my shell afterwards though! I'm actually giving serious thought to going to a class near me to learn how to make proper Stotties seeing as it's my namesake!