It seems to me that much earlier, you stated that your goal was to be feminine while remaining openly queer. Has that changed?
It sounds like you are pushing yourself beyond that in your expectations, but then realizing that maybe only partway would also work. I agree with Sarah that you need to have a deep, honest discussion to figure out where exactly you want to be. Work towards that. Then later, if you feel you need more, pursue it then.
Very often, we see people here who are starting out and want to hurry and have it all done already. That would be nice, but it is unrealistic for many reasons. Some are financial limits, but many are able to get it done. Some are just the brain trying to catch up with all the drastic changes to voice, walk, mannerisms, and appearance.
You have come so far in 18 months; I wish I could have accomplished that. From my POV, you are miles ahead of many of us. Just slow down and make sure you understand what you want to accomplish. And hurting your body doesn't help change your body. It actually works against you. You may get temporary mental relief, but if you do damage, a surgeon could have a tough time repairing it while trying to give you the result you want.
Please be careful.
