Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, way to blend in to the background. 

In a sea of what looks like a lot of black you look like one of the rainbow beacons.

I love that you have the courage to go out and stand out.

Doesn't really take any courage to dress like that. Waking up every day is exponentially more terrifying than wearing any kind of clothing outside.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I just feel complete dysphoria. I honestly don't think I look at all like a woman. I don't want to look anything like I did as a man, but there is hardly any difference.

In total honestly I think I've just been lucky that no one has given me bother and just accepted me as a trans woman. At best I'm a slightly feminine man. After all I've not had any firm acknowledgement I'm a woman except from people that already know my preferred gender.

I'm again feeling intense regret that I even begun this journey. But I don't want to be a man again. So where do I go? I can't pretend transition is not making my mental health issues several times worse. I can't visualise ever getting to where I want to be. I'm awful now, and I'm still young. I'm gonna look like road kill in another 10 years. I'd rather be 20 years older and just not me. I feel very much in a body I don't want to be in. I'd ditch it in a heartbeat.

Charlotte ❤️

[ChrissyRyan]

I do not think CIS women get an acknowledgment that they are women, even by the OBGYN, so do not fret over this. This may get informed of their nice outfit, hair, adornments, or looks but not that they are women. 

[davina61]

As above, to be acknowledged as a women first they would have to say you are trans. If you are not "sired" then you are being taken as female.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I do not think CIS women get an acknowledgment that they are women, even by the OBGYN, so do not fret over this. This may get informed of their nice outfit, hair, adornments, or looks but not that they are women. 

I just feel totally in the dark. Really nothing has changed in the way I'm interacted with since being a man. Everything feels the same apart from i wear different clothes and goto different places. 

[Laura Squirrel]

I just feel complete dysphoria. I honestly don't think I look at all like a woman. I don't want to look anything like I did as a man, but there is hardly any difference.

In total honestly I think I've just been lucky that no one has given me bother and just accepted me as a trans woman. At best I'm a slightly feminine man. After all I've not had any firm acknowledgement I'm a woman except from people that already know my preferred gender.

I'm again feeling intense regret that I even begun this journey. But I don't want to be a man again. So where do I go? I can't pretend transition is not making my mental health issues several times worse. I can't visualise ever getting to where I want to be. I'm awful now, and I'm still young. I'm gonna look like road kill in another 10 years. I'd rather be 20 years older and just not me. I feel very much in a body I don't want to be in. I'd ditch it in a heartbeat.

Charlotte ❤️

I think that since we look at ourselves in the mirror each day, it's hard to see the changes. It took me years and years to see the difference.

[Laura Squirrel]

As above, to be acknowledged as a woman first, they would have to say you are trans. If you are not "sired," then you are being taken as female.

Exactly. Especially if you are speaking and no one questions you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I don't expect someone to literally say I'm a woman. But madam or referred to as the lady?

[Stottie Girl]

I don't expect someone to literally say I'm a woman. But madam or referred to as the lady?

People in the UK rarely address us by our gender. It's usually hello or can I help you rather than hello miss, can I help you miss.

You are reading way too much into it and you dysphoric mind is doing what dysphoric minds do to all of us. It focusses on the smallest of details and blows them up out of all proportion. Step away from the mirror for a while Charlotte. I know i have to do that regularly otherwise I feel like jacking everything in.

As an outsider your face reads totally female to me now. You have a voice in progress. Your body will gradually catch up with the reality of the new you but until then you can just adopt styling tricks to enhance your feminine appearance. You will get there, patience patience patience!

[Lori Dee ✅]

People in the UK rarely address us by our gender. It's usually hello or can I help you rather than hello miss, can I help you miss.

You are reading way too much into it and you dysphoric mind is doing what dysphoric minds do to all of us. It focusses on the smallest of details and blows them up out of all proportion. Step away from the mirror for a while Charlotte. I know i have to do that regularly otherwise I feel like jacking everything in.

As an outsider your face reads totally female to me now. You have a voice in progress. Your body will gradually catch up with the reality of the new you but until then you can just adopt styling tricks to enhance your feminine appearance. You will get there, patience patience patience!

THIS!

We are our own worst critic. You know this. We see the woman that you are. You show us how beautiful you look in beautiful dresses. That is definitely not a man in a dress; that is Charlotte in a dres and looking good.

Don't let looks get in your way. It is a long road, and you are just getting started. If you look at photos of how you looked before surgery compared to how you look now... well, if you can't see the difference, your brain is lying to you. Don't let it win.

You know how to get through this. You have done it many times before.
Put away the mirror and go for a run. You'll feel better.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks for the kind replies all. I do have a theory and for me understanding is power. I hate being in the dark. I prefer to know either way!

Yesterday was hard because with my body covered by jacket(s), and my hair wet, i don't think I looked female. With no visible humps and my hair it nods me back to masc.

But I have a theory - its not totally damning as it's infinitely better than not passing at all,  which I thought would be my reality at one time.

I think I'm bang on androgynous in terms of my face. As such my gender is 100% reinforced by other elements. If boobs are heavily visible I'm read as a woman without doubt. If I'm in feminine fit clothing I'm read as a woman. If my boobs are hidden and I'm wearing non feminine fits, I could easily read as a man still. 

This theory really makes sense as I can totally see androgyny in my face, but flips to feminity in my playsuit showing my boobs. Yesterday was the opposite. 

As above its not a terrible place to be...thinking about it this way gives me some understanding and empowerment that maybe i can control my gender with how I dress.

I'm going to try my new outfit on later, maybe that'll help too.

Charlotte ❤️

[Stottie Girl]

It's dysphoria plain and simple if you ask me Charlotte. You are over thinking it. AS Lori says. go for a run or do something else to take your mind off things.

Your face reads as female end of story. You are not androgynous, you are well past male fail in my opinion and as fat redistributes and your cheeks get fuller and your face gets softer it will only get more and more feminine. the body? well, you may not have the curves you want yet but believe me they are coming.

[tammy753]

I would agree I think that you can't pass as a man at all so I have no idea what you are talking about. You are all woman when i see your pictures.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you. Just another day on the rollercoaster. If I had an untreated physical illness I wouldn't expect to get better. Why would I get better from untreated mental illness. I've basically got one of the worst. 10% of people with BPD end it. I don't want to be that statistic. Love and hugs sweeties. Love you all 🥰

[davina61]

One thing I picked up on was you saying you dont feel different, TBH I dont feel different as always felt this way. Same for you, your brain has always been on the fem side.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Today I wore a dress that was the first I ever bought and wore in boy mode, so did a now and then. Probably 18 months difference.

Also tried on my new outfit but unfortunately the top doesn't really work as my boobs are too small. Still don't understand how C boobs can look flat...doesn't make sense! Back in the bag for that one and maybe will work next year after BA. Hopefully will as I really like that top.

My local council is Reform, but the pride flag is flying! Get that one?

[Stottie Girl]

And you think you still look male or androgynous?!!! Just look at where you've come from!

Dysphoria, I'm telling you!

Regarding the bra size, I can see what you mean. A broader chest can play havoc with standard size calculators. Can I suggest you give "a bra that fits" calculator a go. It will give you a much more acurate bra size than standard calculators (though still not ideal) It measures your bust, standing, leaning and lying as well as your underbust. Calculators will only get you into a ball park size though. learning about bra fit or simply going for a bra fitting will probably be your best answer here.

Bra sizing is a surprisingly complex subject!

What band size are you if you don't mind me asking?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Sarah...ill try that site. I might need to experiment or just wait 5 months, although will still need to find a fitment! I'm a 38 band with bust being 41.

[Finally Anna]

Having never had a single friend as an adult, I haven't a clue what to say or do.

Making friends is not as easy as it perhaps can seem to be. I have but one piece of advice: Be yourself!
If you happen to run (sic) into someone with whom you click, then it will work itself out.

Go, have as good a time as you can.
Just keep talking to people the way you do here.

Like that!

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks Sarah...ill try that site. I might need to experiment or just wait 5 months, although will still need to find a fitment! I'm a 38 band with bust being 41.

38 band isn't all that broad Charlotte. I used to wear 36 and 38 C bras and I have to say I seemed to have quite a visible boobage (assuming I was wearing the right size of course it was pure guesswork for me back then). What type of bras are you wearing? You might be better trying different styles because those measurements do put you in a 38C bra.