Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

15st 10lb and I am having trouble shifting my fat tum, 12 and a half is my target. Size 20/22 tops and 18 bottoms . Size 9 wide feet as well so unless I get outsize shoes there is no women's shoes in the shops, your an 8 so just get in .

There are a lot more 9's available than 10's Davina! I live in hope that when my weight drops it will stop my foot spread and bring me into size 9's. For some reason the fashion industry has decided that women with size 10 feet either all want fla soled or kitten heel shoes (which make our feet look enormous) or we are after drag fetish shoes with 6" heels! Is it too much to ask for 3" heeled strappy sandals and courts in my size? I am happy to pay top dollar for them if I find them!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

This gurlll absolutely slayed at running club today! Was doing multiple loops up hills inbetweem longer stretches. I was burning past everyone sprinting up hill, kept hearing my name called in amazement. Then won a group sprint up hill near the end. Wow I felt strong today. These classes have built my stamina and core strength already.

[Courtney G]

Everyone made some really valid points, especially Lori's, regarding HRT/changes/time.

I really don't want to do this anymore...I wish i was never stupid enough to bring it into existence.

I get this. Dysmorphia does it to me. I see my man face and man hands and tall body and feel utterly hopeless. I cry a lot. I wish I'd never cracked my egg, never started HRT, never changed my body. I wish I didn't know what I know about myself. It happens.

I think about detransitioning and remember what I was like. I had no sense of self; no love for my body, not even a moment. I ate and slept and put clothes on but I never got to feel good about myself for a moment. I never looked in the mirror and admired my body or took the time to think about products that would help protect and beautify my face.

I remind myself that I've dreamed about this countless times over many decades, but I was scared to do anything and was sure that I wasn't legit. But the feeling doesn't go away. When I imagine never being honest with myself, never starting HRT and never experiencing all of this...

Yeah, this is hard but when I think about it, it's my feelings about how other people might feel about me that gives me the most trouble. I know what and who I am and while I have doubts, I know I'm not a man, know I like myself much more this way and I know I would never be happy if I went back. Yeah, I don't get to be 18 years old, fresh-faced, delicate and cute. I missed a lifetime of that, as I've missed many things. But there are still many pleasures to be had. There's still that peace, the calm sense that I'm living more truthfully. There are too many little, wonderful things to count, sometimes. The parts to work through are what we've missed, and our concerns about how others might see us or even say about us. Take that away and this is a lot easier.

It's a process, but letting go of "what could have been" and what we'd like to happen and focussing on what we've gained is the most important part of this. This is a miracle, getting to change ourselves to better fit who we are, to finally feel "right" about some parts of ourselves after feeling wrong for so long.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

TRIGGER WARNING

The thing is that i did have a sense of self before transitioning and did live a life. I looked  after myself and dressed in clothes i liked. I had no major issue being a man for the longest time. But I didn't really act or present particularly masculine. But then my feelings changed and didn't like who I was. Problem now is the cats out of the bag. In hindsight i know for certain i would have been better off not transitioning. I'd have chugged along as I was and known no different. Now I've seen what could be i can never go back. That'd be my end.

But no matter what reasoning or reassurance, i don't see a body in the mirror that i like more than my previous male self. I hate my body in a way I never have in my whole life. The one single thing i like is my face.  Thats literally it.

And really I have no care what others think of me. Its the fact I dont like my body. Others say they do like it. But i hate it. I find slim, shapeless bodies completely unattractive. That's just my opinion...i can't chasnge that. There's just no allure.

This was once a dream. Its now nearing the worst mental health crisis and nightmare ive ever had. And i don't want to protect Charlotte.  I want to hurt her. And hurt her even more. Ive cut both her arms, both her breasts, scratched up legs and smashed her head.

I'm soon going to offer myself out to be hurt and used by as many people as possible now im free to seek people outside my relationship.

[Courtney G]

I'm sure this is mentioned in your blog several times, but I'll go ahead and mention it now:

No one here is qualified to diagnose you or try to figure you out. We're here to listen and to support you in whatever way we can. We'll keep listening as long as you have something to say.

But you must know that there are people who can help. It's very clear that you need professional support. It may be a chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication or an issue that can be treated through psychotherapy. As I understand it, care through the NHS might be harder to access, but I think it's important that you contact someone and tell them very bluntly that you're in peril. In the U.S., we tell people to "walk into an emergency room" in order to move up the priority list. They won't let you go without coming up with some sort of care plan and connecting you with a provider.

I think it's important to seek care despite that voice(s) inside that says you're not worth it. It's hard, but one must step outside of oneself and reach out to someone outside who can help. Also, don't dismiss the agitating power of hormone level changes. I've found myself bawling, at the edge of the abyss and realized "oh, my levels are (this) and it's definitely not helping me right now."

If you're anything like me, you're a doer who's always the one to figure everything out for ourselves and for others and to "fix" things, but fixing oneself almost always requires someone else's help. It can be done, and I want it so badly for you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm sure this is mentioned in your blog several times, but I'll go ahead and mention it now:

No one here is qualified to diagnose you or try to figure you out. We're here to listen and to support you in whatever way we can. We'll keep listening as long as you have something to say.

But you must know that there are people who can help. It's very clear that you need professional support. It may be a chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication or an issue that can be treated through psychotherapy. As I understand it, care through the NHS might be harder to access, but I think it's important that you contact someone and tell them very bluntly that you're in peril. In the U.S., we tell people to "walk into an emergency room" in order to move up the priority list. They won't let you go without coming up with some sort of care plan and connecting you with a provider.

I think it's important to seek care despite that voice(s) inside that says you're not worth it. It's hard, but one must step outside of oneself and reach out to someone outside who can help. Also, don't dismiss the agitating power of hormone level changes. I've found myself bawling, at the edge of the abyss and realized "oh, my levels are (this) and it's definitely not helping me right now."

If you're anything like me, you're a doer who's always the one to figure everything out for ourselves and for others and to "fix" things, but fixing oneself almost always requires someone else's help. It can be done, and I want it so badly for you.

Thanks Courtney. I know all that makes sense. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to wait until next year for just group DBT. until then I'm on my own unless i hurt myself badly and get sectioned. It is what it is i guess. I may have to wait until after GRS tbh.

[Petunia]

Charlotte, is there anybody you can talk to right now?

Courtney is correct. None of here can give you all the help you need. We can comfort and support you but you need more than that.

Just talking to a trained councellor or pschologist can help while you wait for a diagnosis. 

The fact that you are exercising and loving it is great as is your excitement in connecting with new groups.

It seems you are struggling when you have time to stop and think too much. Councelling can help by providing coping strategies for that.

We all wish you could be as kind to yourself as you are to other people

[Lori Dee ✅]

Charlotte,

Have you looked into pain stim devices instead of cutting?

In my therapist's office, she had one and I was curious and asked about it. She explained that you roll it over the body part that hurts and it helps without damaging the skin.

The company that hers was from is Little Ouchies. They have some interesting variations. It might help you get through the dark times.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks @Petunia I do have weekly therapy sessions but I think they can only do so much against the intensity and instability I'm experiencing. I can only deduce that second puberty is a major driver for this emotional rollercosster. Ive always had these issues, but i didn't feel as vulnerable in boy mode. Please i am dealing with disappointment and unknown emotions. I'm going to see if i can bring it under control with meds for now.

Thanks @Lori Dee I will have a look at those devices as last night I hurt my body much worse and now worry that i can inflict more damsge without caring in those episodes.

Hugs Charlotte ❤️

[big kim]

I was a cutter as a teenager. I slowly stopped after 17. It resurfaced again in my mid 40s during a stressful period(living in London, driving a bus on 12 hour shifts and then having to care for my flatmates disabled mother). I found that flicking a rubber band hard against my forearm helped me to stop again.
Hope things get better for you ASAP