Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Back home safe but with it the deep depression 😿

Charlotte X

[Pema]

Hang in there, sister. You'll get through this.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm not sure. Getting home has just validated that I hate my house, my life and my job. Being away from all 3 I had no depression symptoms.

[Pema]

How much of that is the contrast to the euphoria of being in a new and wonderful place, having the life-changing medical procedure, and being cared for by beautiful and loving people? It's hard to compete with that.

Are there even tiny forks in the road of your life that you could take that might seem to lead only to inconsequential improvements but might potentially reveal entirely new vistas with unknown paths? (The answer is yes, but we have to be open to seeing them - and taking them.)

Alison Gopnik has a great TED talk about how babies' brains are open to absolutely everything and how, starting at about age 6, we're all conditioned to stop doing that and focus on what we're told we should. But we have the capacity to return to it. I think we'd all benefit from becoming a bit more like babies.

[Stottie Girl]

I'm not sure. Getting home has just validated that I hate my house, my life and my job. Being away from all 3 I had no depression symptoms.

Your life is changing big time Charlotte the best is yet to come, don't get down petal! It will soon be warming up and Spring is starting up all over now. The days are getting lighter. The birds are starting to pair off. What's not to love when you look at the bigger picture!!

Your house and job, well they are also things you could change if you wanted to. You don't have to live with the status quo.

Chin up pet, you're further down the road than I am at least!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks @Pema I will take a look and see what I can get from it.

I think I've enjoyed literally spending each day chilling on my bed, a couple of walks out, get food and that's it.

Now I'm faced again with a house I've not cleaned for several months due to lack of motivation. The cat has peed in 6 different places around the house forcing me to clean more. I look at my house and have no care or love for it. No desire to make it a home. I haven't for a few years. I don't know why.

Work I'm absolutely terrified to return to as I only associate it with pain. My stomach feels like dropping on a roller-coaster every time a call or email comes in, as I'm terrified of the next big problem coming in. I'm not joking it's literally that feeling of your stomach coming up. Even my coleague gets the same now. I think 5 panic attacks at work have messed me up.

On top of this I think it's driven by BPD / ADHD too which certainly causes loss of interst in doing things you once loved.

Anyways I'll look at that video now and continue to push for the help I need now I'm back.

Charlotte

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks too @Stottie Girl. I am certainly looking forward to my walks out again for the spring.

I think really I honestly don't want to adult anymore. I can't say I like anything of it. Especially when motivation is at zero and has been so long. I fall out of love with every job and house I get. I think  I lose interst in everything very quickly and they just become a burden to me.

Like above I feel hsppy now doing...nothing. I'm not sure why I've become that way but it seems so. I need to get into my appointment Monday and push to the next stage.

I think several things are at play here now.

Charlotte 😻

[Rochelle]

It's good to see you home safe.  Sorry you are dealing with all the rest.  Hopefully you're healing well and will soon see the difference it makes for you.  You are in our thoughts.  💚

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks too @Stottie Girl. I am certainly looking forward to my walks out again for the spring.

I think really I honestly don't want to adult anymore. I can't say I like anything of it. Especially when motivation is at zero and has been so long. I fall out of love with every job and house I get. I think  I lose interst in everything very quickly and they just become a burden to me.

Like above I feel hsppy now doing...nothing. I'm not sure why I've become that way but it seems so. I need to get into my appointment Monday and push to the next stage.

I think several things are at play here now.

Charlotte 😻

Nowt wrong with doing nothing on a lazy day from time to time Charlotte! You'll be super tired from the flight too don't forget. Have yourself a little power nap if you like but I bet you'll feel rosier in the morning.

I know you were getting your surgery but it was also a bit of a holiday too and everyone gets the post holiday blues. How's the recovery going anyway? Is there more of the new you emerging?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Nowt wrong with doing nothing on a lazy day from time to time Charlotte! You'll be super tired from the flight too don't forget. Have yourself a little power nap if you like but I bet you'll feel rosier in the morning.

I know you were getting your surgery but it was also a bit of a holiday too and everyone gets the post holiday blues. How's the recovery going anyway? Is there more of the new you emerging?

Some slight reduction in swelling but the bruises still very bad. Plus I look a bit run down. I put some concealer and BB cream on as we're going to see Hoppers as last night at cinema. It softens rather than hides the bruises. Plus hard to do my hair with stitches in and tenderness. I look ok. Got some way to go but so much better.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Hey, look at you Charlotte! That is quite the transformation. Love the top too.

Actually you look like you have your war paint on!

[Sephirah]

You do look... sad, Charlotte. It's in your eyes. I am so very sorry, sweetie. I can only offer a big, massive hug and to say... look at everything you've done to get to where you want to be, sweetie. If you can change one thing, you can change everything.

It's all inside you, okay?

You've got this. I believe in you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

TRIGGER WARNING

Thanks @Sephirah and all. Hoppers was fun to watch with my boyfriend which at least helps. Honestly deep inside I am very sad though as you identify. Partly I'm still tired from surgery. I put on a smile and happy exterior a lot of my life, but the intense darkness is always just one slight downer or stress away from all consuming me again. I'm getting angry on top of it and smashing things up too. Now got a broken mirror and door to sort. I'm on the edge 24/7.

I feel at the end of the line. Either somehow I sort my mental health or one of these breakdowns will be my last. I've visited that banned website so many times now that I even know exactly what I need. It kinda brings me comfort playing through the process. Knowing i have that ultimate control.

I need to rest soon and hope I have enough energy to feel better tomorrow.

Love and hugs
Charlotte

[Sephirah]

TRIGGER WARNING

Thanks @Sephirah and all. Hoppers was fun to watch with my boyfriend which at least helps. Honestly deep inside I am very sad though as you identify. Partly I'm still tired from surgery. I put on a smile and happy exterior a lot of my life, but the intense darkness is always just one slight downer or stress away from all consuming me again. I'm getting angry on top of it and smashing things up too. Now got a broken mirror and door to sort. I'm on the edge 24/7.

I feel at the end of the line. Either somehow I sort my mental health or one of these breakdowns will be my last. I've visited that banned website so many times now that I even know exactly what I need. It kinda brings me comfort playing through the process. Knowing i have that ultimate control.

I need to rest soon and hope I have enough energy to feel better tomorrow.

Love and hugs
Charlotte

Charlotte, trust me, sweetie, I know extremely well how you feel. How I feel inside isn't how I want to be with others a lot of the time. Especially places like here. So I don't. I can see it in others, though. I have an intensely dark side, too.

I always say, you can't have the light without the dark, though. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow it casts. That's kind of just how it is.

Sorting mental health is a hard thing, Charlotte. Break it down into small steps. That helps. Do you have anyone you can talk to? I don't mean necessarily about trans issues. But just how you feel? That helps, sweetie. And if it helps you, you can always shoot me a PM. Even just to vent if that's what you want to do. To get it out of your system. I don't judge and I can listen.

If not... take it one step at a time, sweetie. Nothing is so broken it can't be fixed, okay?

*extra hugs*

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Felling quite swollen and tight this morning around eyes and nose. However I think this is expected sometimes for a few weeks at least. Need to do shopping later, but resting for now.

Added a couple of pix from my surgery travels. One in the park the day before my surgery. Then playing with the cute dog in my surgeons office. Others are a few showing me from the morning after surgery to a few days later to see how it is!

Charlotte 😻

[davina61]

Hugs to you from me dear, there must be somethings that are positive so focus on those. You need a distraction to keep your mind busy like a new hobby .

[Lori Dee ✅]

Looks like you are healing up quickly. The bruising seems to take the longest to go away. It scared me a bit when they turned from green to yellow, but I just used some arnica cream to get them to finally go away.

I love the pink top too.

[Pema]

You're well on your way back - to a new you. I hope you continue to feel better with every day.

[ChrissyRyan]

My wishes are the same.

You will be better!


Chrissy

[Sephirah]

You are another person here who has an amazing smile, Charlotte. It seems to be a common thing among Susan's members. Those times where you allow yourself to smile, it lights up your whole face.

Hold onto that, okay? Whatever else is going on. *hugs* I like to think that is the essence of who you are. Not the things you're dealing with.

Also that pupper in the second picture is quite possibly the most adorable dog I have ever seen!