Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks so much for all the love, my friends ❤️

Today I've woken up a bit down again, but seeing everyone's words has softened me up a little.

@Sephirah You are right that inside my soul there is this happy, optimistic woman. It's weird because I lash out, fall, down deep holes and such. But this little bit inside is optimistic and makes me keep getting up. It doesn't die, it just gets buried in frustration. I just want to understand and find a way out of this pridon in my head.

I do love to smile but i can't force it. Ususlly something small and silly makes it come out. If you ask anyone that's worked with me they'll say I'm that funny, happy, goofy and together person. I think that's who I am inside, but am troubled by my own mind. I just want to be silly, childish and funny all the time really.

Well tonight I'm planning to goto my local trans meet up. Hopefully I'll feel in the mood for it. Still bruised and swollen. I'll look a bit of a mess though.

Charlotte 😻

[ChrissyRyan]

A smile goes a long way.

Make one so!


Chrissy

[ChrissyRyan]

Charlotte,


I hope your sores do not bother you today much.  I suppose discomfort comes and goes.

I also hope your evening event goes well.  Maybe you will take your cat's ears?

Wishing a speedy recovery for you of course still.


Hugs,


Chrissy

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte,


I hope your sores do not bother you today much.  I suppose discomfort comes and goes.

I also hope your evening event goes well.  Maybe you will take your cat's ears?

Wishing a speedy recovery for you of course still.


Hugs,


Chrissy

Thank youuu so much Chrissy. I'm feeling mostly ok at moment. I decided not to wear my rec dress as my face is still a mess. I need to feel 100% to pull off the red satin number with cat ears. There will be a time soon....that's for sure!

I've gone with a tartan goth style dress as that plays better with bruised eyes!!

I'm hoping to still have a nice evening and I think I look ok considering.

Hugs Charlotte xx

[Courtney G]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I get it. So much of this, transition, life, is so hard sometimes. And the excitement and euphoria over taking that big step with surgery has to wane a bit. I'm experiencing that now, that "what now?" feeling. Plus, I'm looking at my face, thinking "this is it?' despite everyone telling me to be patient and wait for the swelling to recede.

But all things must pass. There's a way forward, always. One day at a time.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I get it. So much of this, transition, life, is so hard sometimes. And the excitement and euphoria over taking that big step with surgery has to wane a bit. I'm experiencing that now, that "what now?" feeling. Plus, I'm looking at my face, thinking "this is it?' despite everyone telling me to be patient and wait for the swelling to recede.

But all things must pass. There's a way forward, always. One day at a time.

Thanks Courtney 😊  But so sad to hear you're struggling too. In bursts I'm seeing the improvement...just very subtle. I'm absolutely sure that as the swelling goes we will both see the next level we desire. Hopefully we will get some positive affirmations in the next few months, being seen as our true genders.

You're right...it's such a high. But with that comes the low. Sending you much love and hugs.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Went to the trans meet as planned. It was ok...I managed to speak to a couple of people which was nice. But then later I struggle to socialize as I'm terrified to just talk to anyone. Got really overwhelmed then just sat quietly. I do wonder if I'm autistic because everything I explain to my boyfriend who is autistic, he says he feels too. He keeps telling me he thinks I am considering his lived experience.

The plot thickens, I'm feeling there are a lot of issues with me that should have been resolved decades ago. Seems socializing is still off the cards for me.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Went to the trans meet as planned. It was ok...I managed to speak to a couple of people which was nice. But then later I struggle to socialize as I'm terrified to just talk to anyone. Got really overwhelmed then just sat quietly. I do wonder if I'm autistic because everything I explain to my boyfriend who is autistic, he says he feels too. He keeps telling me he thinks I am considering his lived experience.

The plot thickens, I'm feeling there are a lot of issues with me that should have been resolved decades ago. Seems socializing is still off the cards for me.

Charlotte 😻

Well if it's any consolation Charlotte I would be the same. I'm not to bad at doing a little smalltalk initially (was used to that in my working life) but beyond that I tend to just sit there quietly and hope that someone will come and talk to me. They usually don't and I skulk off never to return!

I heard that scientists are starting to come back round to the idea that the MMR jab we all got in the 70's and 80's might actually have caused some instances of Autism after all. There has been a very large spike in 40 somethings being late diagnosed autistic. I believe I am one.

There's nothing we can do with the diagnosis anyway really I suppose so does it actually matter? You will have made adjustments in your life by now to compensate.

[ChrissyRyan]

I broke out of some lingering shyness when involved with a book reading group.
Or try any group where you need to prepare to be an active participant.

If you happen to be actively involved with something the group is interested in, that can help immensely.  Being a speaker is good.

What did this group talk about when you attended?  If it was just a mixer, that is usually social only.  That can be a toughie if you basically know no one there.

Chrissy

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

[ChrissyRyan]

@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

I see.  I hope you find such a group.

[Sephirah]

@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

We have a place for that here, Charlotte, if you feel comfortable using it.

[davina61]

being dyslexic my brain struggles to think of stuff to say at times, after cars and cooking I am a bit lost!

[Emma1017]

Charlotte, I am so happy for you and your surgery, but I am sorry for your ongoing stress.

I remember early in my transition, someone shared this with me:

"Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional."

You are entitled to joy in your life, and you have a right to demand it.  Don't let the occasional transgender blues get you down.

 

[Stottie Girl]

Is it first day back at work tomorrow Charlotte? If so, I hope it all goes well. Don't be shy to take a sicky if you start feeling unwell. I still worry a bit that it's too early. I'm sure they will understand given what you've been through. Best of British anyway.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks @Emma1017 for your words. I am working to try and sort the happiness situation, albeit a slow process with the limited UK mental health support. Hopefully in a few months I'll be on a path to a better place.  I think the transition related downers are giggles and minimal, but I'm very certain I have undiagnosed 'serious' issues to get sorted.


@Stottie Girl yes tomorrow I'm back which will be interesting. I feel well enough but they are aware I might check out if I need to. Thank you so much for the best wishes and support  Sarah.

Charlotte 😻 xx

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks @Emma1017 for your words. I am working to try and sort the happiness situation, albeit a slow process with the limited UK mental health support. Hopefully in a few months I'll be on a path to a better place.  I think the transition related downers are giggles and minimal, but I'm very certain I have undiagnosed 'serious' issues to get sorted.


@Stottie Girl yes tomorrow I'm back which will be interesting. I feel well enough but they are aware I might check out if I need to. Thank you so much for the best wishes and support  Sarah.

Charlotte 😻 xx

You'll be fine Charlotte, I bet you get nothing but positive comments from everyone.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm hoping that the fact that my breasts no longer having any tenderness/ pain doesn't mean they have stopped growing! Really they are basically man boobs with little feeling now. Could really do without having to find another 4k to get them done too.

Swelling is bad today around my eyes and have a dull headache. My whole head is still weird and painful to touch in places. Hoping it'll improve soon as 14 days since surgery tomorrow.

Not really feeling great today to be honest, even though we got out for a nice walk. Still just chronically empty and don't have a clue who I am or what I want from this life. Sleeping 20 hours a day still feels like my ideal life. My ultimate hope is not to reach an older age and go early,  but I worry for my partner. I can't face so many more years. I need to check out my work life insurance policy to see if he'd be covered well, as that'd make me feel a lot better. Else I'll look to take one out soon.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

I'm hoping that the fact that my breasts no longer having any tenderness/ pain doesn't mean they have stopped growing! Really they are basically man boobs with little feeling now. Could really do without having to find another 4k to get them done too.

Swelling is bad today around my eyes and have a dull headache. My whole head is still weird and painful to touch in places. Hoping it'll improve soon as 14 days since surgery tomorrow.

Not really feeling great today to be honest, even though we got out for a nice walk. Still just chronically empty and don't have a clue who I am or what I want from this life. Sleeping 20 hours a day still feels like my ideal life. My ultimate hope is not to reach an older age and go early,  but I worry for my partner. I can't face so many more years. I need to check out my work life insurance policy to see if he'd be covered well, as that'd make me feel a lot better. Else I'll look to take one out soon.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte where is this coming from pet? I don't like it when you get maudlin like this. If it's the boob thing don't worry, they go through growth spurts for years. But it seems to me that it's much more than that. You are looking great, you're making progress towards a new life. There is loads to look forward to.

Don't think like that, you have so much to give to the world.

Have you been assigned a therapist yet? I'm pretty sure you can self refer to NHS talking therapies if you think that will help. They are pretty good actually.

You can PM me anytime you know, if you want to talk.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Stottie Girl It's just part of me unfortunately and has been since I was about 15 years old. Unfortunately they have moved my assessment appointment to next week as the assessor is ill.

I just feel empty. There used to be a time when I had dreams and ambitions. But now I just don't have any apart from my transition stuff. I don't have any goals or even a bucket list. In essence I've done everything I want to do apart from my transition, then that's it. I'm done. Just feels odd as I'm basically treading water until it's my time to go!

I did use NHS talking therapies. Was awful and they didn't even listen to me. Just try and get me to do these tasks I have no interest in doing the way I feel!

Anyways thank youu. Really appreciate your kindness. I'm just chilling now in my Hello Kitty PJs with a cup of tea...that feels nice.

Charlotte 😻