Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 04:47:30 PMLauren, I really hope that you don't mind helping me and reading through the complexities of my mind! Really there is so much and I don't want you to feel like you're just working as a therapist for me or that I'm taking too much.
You're probably right in a way. I grew up with two older half brothers that got all the attention. Add to that think I was a bit slow as a kid, not helped by being a July baby so starting school aged 4 in with far advanced classmates.
Basically everyone thought I was lame and my half brothers said I was rubbish regularly. I was taught to succeed using fear of violence, humiliation or the threat of being kicked out the house. So ultimately I learnt over time to succeed. At high school I laid in bed every night worrying that I'd never get a job, never succeed in life and that I'd be a failure. I'd written myself off.
So now i think my whole system is setup to prove myself and seek persistent external validation.
But I probably have ADHD / personality disorder / autism or similar. In my first years of primary school I was useless and weird. I ate wax crayons, ate newspaper and pooped myself hiding behind the blackboard. Yet 5 minutes later I had wired lights in series with a battery and switch! Even the teachers didn't understand how to do it.
But I just got punished by having my underwear pulled down in front of assembly and smacked on my bare butt in front of whole school.
Honestly there's so many things that I can't get my head around it. But these things almost certainly have shaped my reward / coping systems.
Charlotte 😻
Listen, honey... you are beautiful and you deserve to be okay with yourself. I just want you to feel okay, okay? And whatever I can do to facilitate that, is worth it. We all have a literal minefield of crap in our heads. It comes from being human. Being able to navigate it is kind of the key to a successful life.
Can I ask... where did this violence and humiliation come from, primarily? From your siblings or your parents or somewhere else?
Listen, honey. It's okay. You're not weird and you're not defective and you're not useless. You're just trying to deal with a lifetime of programming that's left you feeling this way. Me saying it won't undo how you feel, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, okay? And there are people in your life who respect you for you. <3
