Quote from: Sephirah on March 27, 2026, 02:04:36 PMSorry for the late reply to this, Charlotte. Takes me a while to claw my way out of my coffin from time to time, haha.
The thing with NHS... well... anything, is that it's a numbers game. How can someone do just enough for the most amount of people in the least amount of time. And often the more... in depth stuff is overlooked in order to deal out the most band-aids, as it were. These tasks are primarily designed to help, but not really when just dished out like school homework, and very little actual consideration for the person you want to undertake them. It's like trying to throw out a cure for a sore throat when you don't take the time work out someone has laryngitis. So yeah, I kind of understand how you feel.
Can I ask you a question, if you don't mind? Transition is a means to an end. So what is the "end" that you see for yourself, Charlotte? I don't mean that kind of end. More... where do you see your life when you've done everything you feel you can do to affect your transition?
The reason I ask is... well... sometimes, you can feel a disconnect from yourself. This empty feeling you speak of. I sometimes feel that way, and for me it comes from feeling like my life doesn't feel like mine. Like... it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, because it's like looking out through someone else's eyes, you know? And anything that happens... it happens to this other person. I am wondering if you're looking for a way to get your life back, and feel in sort of a holding pattern until then.
In any case, here's a massive *monster hug* from me. <3
Thanks Lauren for your reply and no worries as we all have different lives and amounts of time we spend on here. I'm hugely grateful for anyone that replies to me after any amount of time.
Well on Monday I'm having my assessment and hopefully a step closer to getting psychiatric help.
Transition wise I guess I see myself just feeling that maximum amount of warmth about who I am. That's the end game, although I think I will constantly evolve as a woman long after my transition goals are complete. I did so as a man, and becoming a woman is just this stage of my evolving body and personality. It's not necessarily a paradigm shift to me; it's the unfolding of a long story. To some transitioning is quite a big decision. To me it's just another change like many I've made. I go with my instinct and just do. I didn't even think much about it. It just happened and oh...ok...I'm transitioning.
I think my issue is that life in general to me is very understimulating and when things do stimulate my mind they only do so for a very short amount of time. Then I'm bored of that thing forever. Add to that now I just feel devoid of energy after working. I dunno I just look around and nothing really excites me enough to break through the fatigue I feel.
Honestly I enjoyed being away recovering because I did nothing most of the day, went out for a little walk, had a drink in the coffee shop, some food and that's it. No stresses or expectations to poison my mind. Back here to normality, I feel like I'm wearing a solid lead jacket that's pulling me under water. Everything feels heavy and difficult. Too much effort. On edge feeling.
I don't think a period of work stress giving me multiple breakdowns helped. A switch flipped and now I find it hard to enjoy much.
So yeah between all that i don't know who I am. Plus I think most of my life has just been one big show to give everyone what they expect of me or to make myself appear better so I get more recognition. So much so I don't actually know what I really enjoy or want from life. I think this comes from abuse and humiliation when I was aged 4-7 years and inherited from my dad who was messed up badly too. I feel his mind inside of me. It's haunting.
Charlotte 😻
