Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

I've got so much cuteness in my wardrobe and these I've not even worn out yet. Next furry meet maybe if warm enough. I just need a way to get better pictures. I love fashion and need to find a way to show it off better.

My home lighting is for mood not photos. And my rooms are tiny and cluttered. Maybe need to do outdoors.

is that a Rah Rah skirt like in the 80's?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

is that a Rah Rah skirt like in the 80's?

Yeah all frilly mesh and very thick. From one of the Kawaii cutesy fashion shops. I need to get out with this one asap!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Only just noticed it's April now so. my 12 month Anniversary of starting HRT.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Congratulations Charlotte! I wish I had made a note when I started, I can't even remember the year! ha ha!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Congratulations Charlotte! I wish I had made a note when I started, I can't even remember the year! ha ha!

I only know as I have the email invoice still from when I ordered it online!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Today's cute work outfit!

[Emma1017]

Looking good, Charlotte!!!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Still when I think about it I don't know exactly why I started transitioning. It was an experiment one year ago, I decided I wanted to be more feminine/androgynous. Since then it's just stuck and progressed.

But I don't feel like a woman. Bur neither do I feel like a man. All I know is that I really hate masculinity and everything about it. So that's possibly the driver. I do get euphoria from femininity at least.

The weird thing is I don't see Charlotte as me but never also saw Christopher as me either. These all feel third person. Just manifestations of myself that aren't really mys3lf.

The real me I don't want to exist in the world and I really don't like. So I try to keep them locked away. Forgotten about. There is no persona or gender I can attach to the real me. They are just a notional ball of confusion, childishness and darkness. An entity that has never grown up and never found it's place in the world. A soul that never became is completely detached from the body it inhabits. Because I can't let that soul be visible and it's completely dysfunctional, I have to construct versions of me that I can face the world with.

Still really confused!

Charlotte 😻

[Sephirah]

Still when I think about it I don't know exactly why I started transitioning. It was an experiment one year ago, I decided I wanted to be more feminine/androgynous. Since then it's just stuck and progressed.

But I don't feel like a woman. Bur neither do I feel like a man. All I know is that I really hate masculinity and everything about it. So that's possibly the driver. I do get euphoria from femininity at least.

The weird thing is I don't see Charlotte as me but never also saw Christopher as me either. These all feel third person. Just manifestations of myself that aren't really mys3lf.

The real me I don't want to exist in the world and I really don't like. So I try to keep them locked away. Forgotten about. There is no persona or gender I can attach to the real me. They are just a notional ball of confusion, childishness and darkness. An entity that has never grown up and never found it's place in the world. A soul that never became is completely detached from the body it inhabits. Because I can't let that soul be visible and it's completely dysfunctional, I have to construct versions of me that I can face the world with.

Still really confused!

Charlotte 😻

I think I understand this. Maybe more than I am comfortable admitting.

If you could give voice to the real you, what would that be? Outside of gender. If you could put form to the formless... how would that manifest?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I think I understand this. Maybe more than I am comfortable admitting.

If you could give voice to the real you, what would that be? Outside of gender. If you could put form to the formless... how would that manifest?

That's a very complex one Lauren and thanks for asking. I don't think they would have a voice. They would just scream at having to exist in this dimension. I think all they want is to be a child with no adult expectations or pressures. To just live out the rest of the time with no requirements or demands. The weight of this existence lifted away. Complete freedom to express as they wish, depending how they feel. Totally flexible so they are never the same, just evolving.

I wonder if my inside is partly demonic. Before I transitioned I was troubled by thoughts of people suffering or being humiliated which went through my head regularly. I dont get them much at all now. I also see 666 all the time in my life. Pops up so often. My dad seemed very demonic at times.

Charlotte 😻

[Sephirah]

That's a very complex one Lauren and thanks for asking. I don't think they would have a voice. They would just scream at having to exist in this dimension. I think all they want is to be a child with no adult expectations or pressures. To just live out the rest of the time with no requirements or demands. The weight of this existence lifted away. Complete freedom to express as they wish, depending how they feel. Totally flexible so they are never the same, just evolving.

I wonder if my inside is partly demonic. Before I transitioned I was troubled by thoughts of people suffering or being humiliated which went through my head regularly. I dont get them much at all now. I also see 666 all the time in my life. Pops up so often. My dad seemed very demonic at times.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, from reading how you express yourself and how you are... I don't think there's anything demonic about you. Or, if there is, you probably should be worried about renouncing your ID. Because I think most of you is quite the opposite. I think you're incredibly hard on yourself, honey. A lot to do with your dad. And you've internalised a lot of things. Blame yourself for a lot of things that really aren't your fault. It's caused you to see yourself a certain way. I'm not going to go full shrink, haha. Because this isn't the place. Other than to say... I think you are very fragile, and very beautiful, and you're dealing with a lot, Charlotte. A lot that I'm not sure even you fully understand. You have a lot of scars that... I feel like you're not sure where the itches come from sometimes. And I hope... that you can find, and treat them, sweetie. Because I think that... hmm... you've created a shell around yourself that you're reluctant to leave. For obvious reasons. But I see how you are when you do... and, that girl is someone worth encouraging.

Sorry. I can be more intrusive than I intend a lot of the time. It's just... I think you are worth believing in, Charlotte. I think you've been through a lot, and need time to work out how to process it all. I think you will get there. If you are demonic, then there's no hope for humanity. That's all I'm saying.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Sephirah Thank you for your care. Some of what you say there is what my therapist put to me before I was discharged. Never got to explore it in depth. I'm hopeful soon that'll change when / if the NHS cogs finally start moving! They don't work fast...it's been over a year since I went in with pains in the rear and found I got polyps which need removing! Still awaiting my operation to remove them.

Charlotte 😻

[Sephirah]

Pretty sure glaciers move faster than the NHS. But like I said, it's a numbers game.

I hope you can effect climate change though, Charlotte. Because I think you deserve to work through everything and get to a place you feel okay with yourself. Whatever that takes. Not a prescription, or a bunch of homework, but someone to listen. It's quite amazing how often that's what someone needs, but never gets.

[Stottie Girl]

@Sephirah Thank you for your care. Some of what you say there is what my therapist put to me before I was discharged. Never got to explore it in depth. I'm hopeful soon that'll change when / if the NHS cogs finally start moving! They don't work fast...it's been over a year since I went in with pains in the rear and found I got polyps which need removing! Still awaiting my operation to remove them.

Charlotte 😻

It's nice to see you have hope within you Charlotte. You seem to have a war raging in your mind switching from the dark to the light all the time. I hope the upcoming treatment can help you learn to live at peace with who you are.

You have shown everyone on here real kindness. You were the first to welcome me in this place. I struggle to believe you have such darkness in you. If you do it's a very small part.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I've let off some steam shooting some targets with my air gun. I'm having to learn go shoot left handed because I'm right handed but left eye dominant. Add to this everything in my right eye is heavily blurred and can't be corrected as has been since I was young.

Hopefully holding left handed will start to feel more natural over time. As a note if I lost my left eye I'd  no longer be able to drive or read.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

It's nice to see you have hope within you Charlotte. You seem to have a war raging in your mind switching from the dark to the light all the time. I hope the upcoming treatment can help you learn to live at peace with who you are.

You have shown everyone on here real kindness. You were the first to welcome me in this place. I struggle to believe you have such darkness in you. If you do it's a very small part.

Thanks Sarah. You are such a kind sweetheart. I have to keep some hope or my life is basically over. Oddly I'm very optimistic at the point of occurrence, always thinking each event in my life will go ok. Keeping positivity on that surface level. It's deeper in my mind that the darkness lives. I'm both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Very indicative of my mind being in the 3rd person. I have a lot of internal dialogue and conversations all day, every day. I don't know if that's normal or not!

Hope you're getting towards feeling better today. You don't deserve such pain.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

I'm left eye dominant too. It's a bit of a pain in photography as it means my nose is squished up against the camera and with the advent of touchscreens I'm forever changing settings inadvertently. Word of advice, if I ever lend you my camera give it a clean first ha ha!

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks Sarah. You are such a kind sweetheart. I have to keep some hope or my life is basically over. Oddly I'm very optimistic at the point of occurrence, always thinking each event in my life will go ok. Keeping positivity on that surface level. It's deeper in my mind that the darkness lives. I'm both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Very indicative of my mind being in the 3rd person. I have a lot of internal dialogue and conversations all day, every day. I don't know if that's normal or not!

Hope you're getting towards feeling better today. You don't deserve such pain.

Charlotte 😻

Thanks Charlotte.

I've lived alone all my life so I'm not only having conversations with myself in my head I'm often catching myself vocalising out loud sometimes! Seems totally normal to me "twitches".

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm left eye dominant too. It's a bit of a pain in photography as it means my nose is squished up against the camera and with the advent of touchscreens I'm forever changing settings inadvertently. Word of advice, if I ever lend you my camera give it a clean first ha ha!

Oh yeah I've done the same, it's very awkward. I can do the same with my rifle but then it's not anchored into my shoulder enough. Today it kicked and hurt my new nose trying that method! So I changed to left hand and wasn't too bad. It's only an air rifle but because it's legal limit it still recoils if not pushed tight into the shoulder.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Each season my local vets has these cute murals painted in their windows. Every time they make me smile on my way home. I then take my boyfriend out to see them too so we can smile and laugh together.