Charlotte's scratch post

[Dawn Kellie]

Hope you feel better soon. Everyone is self conscious in some way. Some hide it better than other. Get some food, rest and a big hug from your sweetie

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks everyone and sorry I'm a total emotional car crash.

I feel absolutely exhausted now and a bit sickly. It's weird though as getting off the train a little while ago I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

Charlotte 😻

There she is! Nice to have you back with us Charlotte. You scared me a bit there!

[Lori Dee ✅]

I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

That is one of the most affirming moments. I still remember the first time I looked in a mirror and saw HER. Remember this. Remember what you saw and how it made you feel. You caught a glimpse of what we see.

[Dawn Kellie]

There she is! Nice to have you back with us Charlotte. You scared me a bit there!

I don't but barely know Charlotte and it scared me.

[Sephirah]

Thanks everyone and sorry I'm a total emotional car crash.

I feel absolutely exhausted now and a bit sickly. It's weird though as getting off the train a little while ago I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

Charlotte 😻

We all are, in our own way, Charlotte. There is never any need to apologise for showing people who care about you what's in your heart, okay? You can't have the light without the dark. You can't have the day without the night. You can't have the cat without the... cat litter?

It's okay, sweetie. You will get through this. Emotions are messy, complicated, sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful, sometimes completely baffling, but always interesting.

You have people who care about you, and who want the best for you. And are willing to share their view of who you are when sometimes you get lost in your own. The important thing is... you don't keep it inside. And I am the queen of keeping stuff inside. I need people like the people here to bring the jaws of life sometimes. That you're okay talking about all of this is a big positive. And it shows that you haven't given up on you just yet.

Keep talking about it, Charlotte. Whatever it is, however you feel, whatever you see. You are not alone, sweetie.

*massive hugs*

And anyway... people get rescued from car crashes all the time.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sorry I scared you all. I dont mean to and I'm usually ok. Its been about 20 years since I last attempted suicide so i have a little more control these days at least. It's like an out of body experience though. I leave the room, turn into someone else, offload. Then I rebuild myself and feel back in the room. Exhausted but tonnes of weight lifted. I don't quite understand it.

My boyfriend unfortunately has had to witness the full extent of this including hurting myself. I really must avoid that as my head is still healing right now and will probably break before the door now.

Charlotte 😻

[Sephirah]

Stop apologising, sweetie. It's okay. That's what we're here for. When people don't want to see you at your worst, they don't deserve to see you at your best.

You need to get it out, whatever is eating at you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed.

It's okay to not be okay, Charlotte. It's okay to feel bruised, or battered, or broken. What matters most is that you don't keep it all building inside like a volcano, until it explodes in the form of something that might be too much to undo.

You are as human as the rest of us. We get through it all together, okay? So... when you don't feel okay... talk about it. And let people be there for you. It will be okay.

Never apologise, honey. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are as broken and beautiful as the rest of us. We all just figure it out together. <3

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte if venting your thoughts on here prevents you harming yourself then don't ever apologise, vent away.

Did you say you had an appointment next week with the mental health professionals? You must must tell them everything that's going on in your mind. Don't hold back. Tell them about your journey and the direction you want to go in too as they might be able to steer you in the right direction. They will be able to help you, honest.

Sarah xx

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte if venting your thoughts on here prevents you harming yourself then don't ever apologise, vent away.

Did you say you had an appointment next week with the mental health professionals? You must must tell them everything that's going on in your mind. Don't hold back. Tell them about your journey and the direction you want to go in too as they might be able to steer you in the right direction. They will be able to help you, honest.

Sarah xx

I had that appointment on Monday and was in for well over an hour telling the therapist everything. She agreed my case was way beyond the councelling service and has recommended psychiatric assessment leading to in depth psychotherapy. However this is no guarantee that I will be accepted for assessment and treatment. I now have to wait as it will go in front of the board to assess and make a decision.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Oh sorry Charlotte, I have totally misunderstood. I thought you were booked in with the psychiatric people. Any idea how long it might take? Doesn't sound like a fast process.

[Sephirah]

It kind of annoys me how you have to stand trial just to work through what you're dealing with.

When it seems to me that you just need someone to listen to you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

She said 2-3 weeks for a decision then another wait before I get seen. Probably at least a few months knowing these things. I'm on a waiting list with Birmingham LGBT for some trans related councelling too. I'm hoping to work through my gender related thoughts with them at least. Just in limbo right now really whilst awaiting appropriately qualified assistance.

My hope is to get referred for DBT which is most likely what I need. However if I still think there's a chance I have ADHD then there is another different route I need to follow for that. Honestly don't see why I can't go to one professional who works out what's wrong. I have to self diagnose so I can refer myself to who I need. It's all over the place!

[Sephirah]

She said 2-3 weeks for a decision then another wait before I get seen. Probably at least a few months knowing these things. I'm on a waiting list with Birmingham LGBT for some trans related councelling too. I'm hoping to work through my gender related thoughts with them at least. Just in limbo right now really whilst awaiting appropriately qualified assistance.

My hope is to get referred for DBT which is most likely what I need. However if I still think there's a chance I have ADHD then there is another different route I need to follow for that. Honestly don't see why I can't go to one professional who works out what's wrong. I have to self diagnose so I can refer myself to who I need. It's all over the place!

For those who don't know, DBT is an acronym for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It's based off CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and follows a lot of similar practices. They are both largely based off examining the views you have about yourself and working on ways to challenge them, in an effort to change them.

I think it could be good for you, Charlotte.

I agree with you and you should just be able to be put in contact with someone who forms a relationship with you, to work out what you're dealing with, and how to work with you to understand how to work on the issues you're facing. It should be far more personal than it is. It's kind of why I want to go into counselling. Which is probably nowhere as in depth as what you ideally want... but I firmly believe that someone just needs someone to listen to them. And ask the right questions.

[Stottie Girl]

I did a little bit of CBT when I was dealing with depression and anxiety attacks. It was very helpful indeed.

I thought when you had a history of self harm and suicide they were supposed to treat you as an emergency. Bloody system is kaput! It makes me so cross. They talk a good game but don't follow it up with actions. Hang on in there Charlotte and if you need to vent on here with us in the meantime please do so.

[Dawn Kellie]

I'll listen and give you a virtual hug.

[davina61]

Have you thought about getting a punch bag? great for taking frustrations out on!! If I get very cross with something not working out on my car I have been known to take a large hammer and a bit of scrap and beat 7 bells out of it, works every time!

[Sephirah]

There are a lot of very fragile, very scared V8 engines in Davina's workshop, I am guessing, haha.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Have you thought about getting a punch bag? great for taking frustrations out on!! If I get very cross with something not working out on my car I have been known to take a large hammer and a bit of scrap and beat 7 bells out of it, works every time!

I would quite like one that's coloured orange, like fake tan colour. That's a punch bag I'd really use. It might be interesting to try although I need to clear space in my house first!

I've hurt my foot several times kicking car parts myself lol. Especially when bolts don't come undone! Now I limit to changing break parts, servicing and such. Haven't needed to change a cylinder head again thankfully!

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

How are you today Charlotte?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

How are you today Charlotte?

I don't feel particularly down today thank you. Still feel very tired although that's just every day to be honest. I would like to walk out somewhere but the wind is awful with things flying around. Hope that you're doing ok?

Charlotte 😻