Charlotte's scratch post

[ChrissyRyan]

Charlotte,

I hope that this week is wonderful for you.  I also hope your appointment on Tuesday is very helpful.

I do not make any effort to show my bra straps but if one shows up, so what, I am a woman.  I too realize that wow, only a woman would have that issue, so it is affirming in that way.  Each day I touch my breasts too as if in a way to confirm they are there and yes, my body has changed into more of what it should have been all my life.

I love the wearing of all these feminine clothes that I should have been wearing all my life.  Wearing them is yet another way that affirms my being a woman.  They can be so pretty.

Hugs,


Chrissy

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Went for a walk with Blueberry down the arboretum. We saw lots of squirrels, ducklings and we smelt lots of pretty roses in the rose garden. Also at the furry con another furry called Xerry from Malta gave me a squirrel plushie whilst attending the plushies panel. I'm really going to try and remain friends with the people I met no matter how hard I find it.

[Stottie Girl]

Went for a walk with Blueberry down the arboretum. We saw lots of squirrels, ducklings and we smelt lots of pretty roses in the rose garden. Also at the furry con another furry called Xerry from Malta gave me a squirrel plushie whilst attending the plushies panel. I'm really going to try and remain friends with the people I met no matter how hard I find it.

Lookin good again Charlotte! Yeah definitely keep in with Xerry, you might end up with a free holiday to Malta lol!

I'm crap at making friends so I'm a fine one to talk but I think it will be good for you to keep in touch with them.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm feeling really on edge and anxious today, its making me sick in my stomach and needing the loo a lot. But I don't know why. It's making me feel so low and I definitely took my meds this morning. I feel really scared.

I seriously hope run club sorts this.

[Devlyn ✅]

Big hug! The anxiety has me today, too. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Another morning and I feel on edge and anxious. I also dont feel feminine at all which is compounding this further. Something is wrong but i don't know what. I hope i can fight this today.

[Stottie Girl]

Another morning and I feel on edge and anxious. I also dont feel feminine at all which is compounding this further. Something is wrong but i don't know what. I hope i can fight this today.

I suffered with very bad anxiety and panic attacks so I feel for you. It cost me two jobs. Have you considered it could be your job that is making you feel this way? It seems to have happened at the start of the work week. It might not be anything to do with the whole trans thing.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I suffered with very bad anxiety and panic attacks so I feel for you. It cost me two jobs. Have you considered it could be your job that is making you feel this way? It seems to have happened at the start of the work week. It might not be anything to do with the whole trans thing.

It could be, but more likely the concept of working generally and not the particular job. In my whole life I've not experienced a job that I actually truly enjoy. Its only a means to make money that is needed to live! I find that anything I enjoy, once it becomes a job its no longer enjoyable.

But this week has been worse than many and a different feeling to normal. My brain also feels really foggy and I feel really tired and exhausted. I think the heat of the last weeks has wiped me out. My lower body is covered in sores and spots and my skin really bad. Probably just physically run down which then hits emotions.

[Stottie Girl]

It could be, but more likely the concept of working generally and not the particular job. In my whole life I've not experienced a job that I actually truly enjoy. Its only a means to make money that is needed to live! I find that anything I enjoy, once it becomes a job its no longer enjoyable.

But this week has been worse than many and a different feeling to normal. My brain also feels really foggy and I feel really tired and exhausted. I think the heat of the last weeks has wiped me out. My lower body is covered in sores and spots and my skin really bad. Probably just physically run down which then hits emotions.

If you are exhausted and rundown and aren't sleeping properly that can lead to skin breakouts I found.
I have had two jobs that I truly loved. My first proper job as an Architectual Technician and my current job which has close ties to my former role. Pretty much everything in between has been a source of anxiety and stress that i have not coped well with.

I know I have mentioned it before and I understand the financial pressures you are under but it might help you to just look around at the jobs market for a while and see if you can find a new challenge. I think my new job has been a catalyst to my recovery from the last breakdown.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

If you are exhausted and rundown and aren't sleeping properly that can lead to skin breakouts I found.
I have had two jobs that I truly loved. My first proper job as an Architectual Technician and my current job which has close ties to my former role. Pretty much everything in between has been a source of anxiety and stress that i have not coped well with.

I know I have mentioned it before and I understand the financial pressures you are under but it might help you to just look around at the jobs market for a while and see if you can find a new challenge. I think my new job has been a catalyst to my recovery from the last breakdown.

To be fair all things considered work is about as good as it can be right now. I'm writing code and designing electronics most of my time. In terms or content and stress its good. I think the problems are internal to me in that I'm still fighting stuff that's bringing my energy levels down. When your energy is low I think most things become a grind. This week I think its something else - could be heat, stuffiness or high pollen as all these affect me and cause fog. Then I just get down as my body is run down.

Practically as well I have 8 years service now at my employer so in the current climate this leaves me safer if I was ever let go in terms of pay outs. Add to that my employer is totally trans friendly and I'm held in very high regard here. I have very high autonomy, access to resources and finances with none or little approval needed. I'm basically next level under the directors as the company is tiny. In a way that's good because I'm not micromanaged at all. Add there are not many jobs c. 65K out there right now and wanna get my surgeries out the way and paid off. I think our director will also retire in 5-10 years so I should probably just hold on!

Its always a case of being pragmatic but I feel a lot of this is me. I'm not in a bad situation in terms of my life in all honesty. I just have something up there malevolent that I need to learn to control. And it has many very different facets so that's not so easy!

[Stottie Girl]

Doesn't sound like it's your work then. It was just a thought as that was my personal experiance on three separate occasions.

If it's not yuor job and you are on megabucks like that and happy there then yeah, no point in looking around.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Doesn't sound like it's your work then. It was just a thought as that was my personal experiance on three separate occasions.

If it's not yuor job and you are on megabucks like that and happy there then yeah, no point in looking around.

Yeah I totally get that - my work was bad at one time as I had several panic attacks and hurt myself on a couple of them. If you were experiencing breakdowns often then I expect you had no option but to look after yourself and get out. My employer luckily put things in place to push issues to the directors if I was struggling to handle them as is their duty of care.

Its good that you've found somewhere you like and are going full time soon which will help with your transition costs at least.

Your new avatar is cute too. Very pretty. I can see it as on a PC at work. At home on my phone I don't see them!

[Stottie Girl]

Aw thanks Charlotte!😁 it was just an excuse to show off a new top ha ha!

Yeah one example I had with work happened when I was changing a circulating pump at a persons home and I could not clear the air out of the system. I could not work out what was wrong and when I tried to call the other engineers for help, no one answered time and time again. I was stuck there on my own in a customers house, who was getting increasingly impatient, for 5 hours trying to clear it before my manger realised I was stuck. By the time he called, I had broken down completely and was shaking and in floods of uncontrolable tears. He sent one of the other engineers round to help out and he took one look at it and realised I had installed the pump upside down and as a result, every time the pump was switched on it was drawing fresh air into the system. I was clearing it only as fast as it was getting into the system. I could not see what I had done because I could not think objectively because the panic attack had set in. I went home that night and handed my notice in the next morning.

Prior to that I was finding I was bursting into tears on the way to work for no reason.

I'm so glad I'm where I am now. I was beginning to think I would never work again!

[Devlyn ✅]

Yeah I totally get that - my work was bad at one time as I had several panic attacks and hurt myself on a couple of them. If you were experiencing breakdowns often then I expect you had no option but to look after yourself and get out. My employer luckily put things in place to push issues to the directors if I was struggling to handle them as is their duty of care.

Its good that you've found somewhere you like and are going full time soon which will help with your transition costs at least.

Your new avatar is cute too. Very pretty. I can see it as on a PC at work. At home on my phone I don't see them!

On my phone the avatars only show up if the phone is horizontal.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I had my therapy this evening with my trans counsellor. Finally I've been able to discuss my journey in detail with someone who understands me. She was unsurprised by both my feelings and also the difference between my journey others. She affirmed that she's worked with many trans people sharing both my journey and feelings around my gender. I didn't feel like a fraud or partial trans woman for once. I think I'll finally figure out my relationship with my gender and maybe learn to appreciate and like myself.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

That is great news, Charlotte!

We don't really realize how important a good therapist can be until we find THE ONE™ and it becomes so easy to explain things to them.

I had a psychologist like that in South Dakota, and she scared me a few times by finishing my thoughts or saying something that I had only thought about. Then I realized it was proof that she truly understood my thinking. That becomes very important when they offer a different perspective on a situation. It builds trust to the point where you are not suspicious of an agenda but can trust their honesty.

I am so happy for you!

[ChrissyRyan]

Good news Charlotte!  It is good to have someone who understands.


Chrissy

[Stottie Girl]

Wow Charlotte that sounds like you had a great session there. So positive! I hope you don't have too long to wait for your next one to one with her.

[Pema]

That's great, Charlotte. I'm very pleased to hear that you've found someone who's understanding and who you feel can help you get to where you want to be.