Charlotte's scratch post

[Anne_lifetrip]

I remember when I used to go to the UK for summer courses and improve my English and it was great because I would enjoy the cool temperatures

Set for 30+ Celsius from the middle of next week

...I can't believe it.

Last time I was in London for a MSc it was the winter with -20ºC and the airports had to close for Xmas (2010).

Central and South UK and Wales are lovely and the greyish skies make it somewhat special.
Can't image the Uk with so much sun.

Finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist on my birthday.

Happy birthday! 🎂🥳

[Finally Anna]

it was great because I would enjoy the cool temperatures

I totally understand that. Spain in the summer is too hot for me, with temp in the +35 to +40 region.

Currently at 16-17 C here. That's a bit lower than we normally have during summer, but it is not unusually low. We get 30C every 4-5 year or so, and then just the odd day during a heat-wave.
To compensate for the relatively cool summers we also have relatively cool winters 😉 where -25 is quite common and it can go down to -35 at times, with -42 as my personal "record" low around here.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Petunia I will be looking to get AC even if portable units ready for next year. Luckily in summer energy isn't a concern as I have a 3kW PV array and made my own c. 9kwh battery storage system using modules from a scrapped hybrid Range Rover. Nice Samsung SDA lithium modules and I managed to get control of the internal battery management ICs on each module using my own home made interface and microcontroller. So all safety and balancing is per manufacturer design. Was a nice project and I run fully off PV / battery from about April to September if the sun is reasonably out.

Sorry to hear your wife is depressed. Wishing her lots of hugs and care. I hope she'll feel better sometime soon.

@Anne_lifetrip The UK is nowhere near as cool as it was. Everyday I'm finding incredibly uncomfortable and sweating uncontrollably unless AC is present. Even winter doesn't get so cold anymore.

My appointment is on my birthday but that's not until 23rd July. Just be weird going to a psychiatrist right on my birthday! Besides I rarely celebrate much on my birthday and will be at work as normal after my appointment. Thanks for the kind wishes though.

@Finally Anna I keep telling people here my ideal place would be around 18C maximum so that sounds comfortable where you are, at least weather wise in the summer - winter not so much! I do remember being in Ibiza at 42C suffering with a really bad cold. That was no fun!



Yesterday I really hit on the extent of my issues with my therapist, she was pretty shocked to the extent of how I feel emotion, how often and that it's been since around 7yo. She acknowledges this must be exhausting so understands the instability I feel so much of the time. Like I was obsessively in love with my friend age 7 and to this day I get obsessive feelings for random others and have done ever since then. I think I idealise myself through others, but can never settle on a true identity. I get obsessive over others the encompass what I see myself as wanting to be, yet that soon changes and is another person the next week or month - continues my whole life for 37 years so far. I think my sense of self esteem is so broken this is all I have.

Anyways much of this is very BPD like and I get to discuss with a psychiatrist soon thankfully.

Charlotte X

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

A couple of good things have come up despite feeling quite scared and deflated this week.

I've been speaking to a lady in Australia who had GRS last year with the same hospital and surgeon I'm going to. She had no complications and is over the moon with the result. I feel completely relaxed that I've made the right choice. Just need to wait.

Also I've been chatting with a local trans lady who was a a bit worried about my mental state and messaged me. She lives 20 minutes away and gave me her number. She checked in on my this morning and have been chatting a bit. I'm really hoping I can make a IRL friendship here. But I'm so scared I'm gonna mess it up as this is so alien to me now. I worry, do I message too little or too much? Like, dont want to be overbearing but don't want to seem disinterested. Then when do I  suggest meeting IRL? I'd be so excited to go shopping with her and have some lunch. I'm worried she'll think I'm boring and rubbish if she gets to know me. I'm excited but so nervous I'll mess this up.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

@Charlotte Kitty If there's one thing you are NOT it's boring and rubbish Charlotte! Have a word with your self!

You are musically creative, you live an alternative Furry Life with multiple alter ego's, you have a love of wild fashion, you're always up to stuff. You are a hell of a lot more interesting than me! You are so spontaneous I would imagine you are exciting and unpredictable to be around. Boring? Nah not ever!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Charlotte Kitty If there's one thing you are NOT it's boring and rubbish Charlotte! Have a word with your self!

You are musically creative, you live an alternative Furry Life with multiple alter ego's, you have a love of wild fashion, you're always up to stuff. You are a hell of a lot more interesting than me! You are so spontaneous I would imagine you are exciting and unpredictable to be around. Boring? Nah not ever!

Thank you Sarah that's very kind. Maybe its more I've not done this for so long and very liable to clam up on the spot even if somewhere in my head there is lots of wit, humour  and 1001 things I could talk about. My ex's family thought I was ignorant and antisocial for weeks - then when I came out of my shell they absolutely adored me. That's my problem! I'm so reserved until I get comfortable.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

That's my problem! I'm so reserved until I get comfortable.

If you trust this person, be honest with them. She was worried about your mental health and cared enough to reach out to you. Tell her that this is new to you and you would like to do lunch or go shopping, but you are shy at first. Ask her if she minds taking the lead until you get to know each other better. Let her know that you are open to it; you just don't know how to ask. Let her know that you feel awkward and are afraid you might seem distant or uninterested. If she knows what you just posted, maybe she will invite you. Maybe she will carry the conversation to start to give you a chance to relax and open up.

What is the worst that could happen? She says no, she can't do that? Really? I don't think so. I think she will be willing, at least, to do some shopping or have lunch to see how things go. If you feel like you are not "performing" well, just ask her or tell her you are concerned.

The best path to a true friendship is being open and honest. I think you will be just fine.

[Petunia]

What Lori said. Be honest be you

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you @Lori Dee for the advice. I will give that a try and hopefully being open will make things smoother and reduce my stress.

@Petunia Thanks, it does make sense. I will try that.

Charlotte 😻

[Courtney G]

Lori said exactly what I was going to say: let her know a bit about you so she better understands and doesn't misinterpret you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'll probably message her tomorrow to say hi and see if she's enjoying the weekend. Then I'll have a little chat about catching up IRL. I'm sure it'll be OK. I've got to bite the bullet sometime or just spend my whole life with no friends IRL.

I got my test results back since moving to mostly Estradiol gel and hitting a healthy 495pmol/l E. T still around 0.5ish nmol/l. So the gel seems to work great with me at 4 pumps and 1 x 2mg tablet. May go fully gel sometime.

Not sure if its the progesterone or I'm going through some changes, but I feel so on heat its agitating me and I cant concentrate at some points of the day. I have a huge urge for someone to just massively take advantage of me. Grrr.

Charlotte X

[Petunia]

Charlotte, you have a partner at home and some toys.

Dress up in something he likes and make him happy.

Explain what you want and why.

It can't hurt to try

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, you have a partner at home and some toys.

Dress up in something he likes and make him happy.

Explain what you want and why.

It can't hurt to try

I will deffo give it a go for sure. Inflatable pool toys are his 'interest'...I'll suggest we explore this together.

On another note looks like I might be able to join a little friend group going shopping, nights out etc. Sounds like one of the girls in the group was similar to me and needed a confidence boost and some kind friends.

Charlotte x

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well I did get some enjoyment with my boyfriend this morning at lesst. Still a million miles from what I'm feeling inside however. Far to tame. I dont know what transition is doing to me. I've never felt this way so badly before. I feel feral and on serious heat. Honestly I'd let almost anyone do almost anything with me right now.

Charlotte ❤️

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

In way of an update I'm going to be completely honest. A huge part of me doesn't feel like I want to stick around here anymore. I can't say much of what I read here resonates with me. I'm finding transition and HRT particularly is not this magical and positive thing. This feeling is completely contrary to the vibe here, so I have nothing really to add or contribute or that really helps me on my journey. Part of me keeps getting emotional and making me come back, but then another part is in constant pain and has no desire to be here at all and wants to run forever. This is a daily fight in my head, and in reality I cant make sense of it. I can't tell if being on here is making my mental health worse or better.

I hope things might change but as they stand there is no indication of this happening unless indeed over time things do improve (I'm not optimistic knowing my life).

I think really my engagement here from now will be in bursts only when I feel good and I'll just go and hide when I don't feel good. I hope anyone that might actually like me understands - I'm basically extremely volatile right now.

Love Charlotte X

[Stottie Girl]

First off Charlotte, Love the avatar pic and that dress looks awesome!

Secondly we all like you on here Charlotte, don't you ever doubt that.

In way of an update I'm going to be completely honest. A huge part of me doesn't feel like I want to stick around here anymore. I can't say much of what I read here resonates with me. I'm finding transition and HRT particularly is not this magical and positive thing. This feeling is completely contrary to the vibe here, so I have nothing really to add or contribute or that really helps me on my journey.

You sound like you are very unsure of your path forward and more worryingly, whether HRT and full gender transition is the right path for you at all. I am saying this from a place of kindness and concern but I really think you should hit the pause button until you get these thoughts clear in your head.

I can't speak for anyone else on here but I have found that HRT has only confirmed to me that I am absolutely on the right path, it sounds like that is not the case with you and maybe some time on pause can help you re-assess what your life goal is. A pause in transition and temporary cessation of HRT might simply confirm to you that you were on the right path all along but it might make you realise you don't need the full transition experience. You seem to have significant doubts or at least are not getting the same relief or validation from the transition journey.

Maybe full transition isn't the right path for you? You can still enjoy being feminine without all the life changing surgery, huge social upheaval and all that goes with completely changing sex. Maybe you more align with femboy rather than transexual prefering gender expression rather than a complete change of gender identity. As many have said, being transgender is a spectrum. Nobody says it has to be all or nothing, you need to find where on the spectrum you are happiest.

If you do decide to take a break from here, know that you were one of the first to welcome me here and have been a constant source of encouragement to me as I found my feet. I can't thank you enough for that Charlotte.

Sarah xx

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you Sarah, you're very sweet as always.

I think I'm going to draw a little mind map of the things I really like, neutral, and what's bothering me. I know for sure I want a woman's body and I really love the curvy look. My face, well I'm really happy with that now and when I get a hair transplant and my hair is longer - perfect. I've already been mistaken for being be cis by a transphobe trolling another trans person (long story). That's all good I have a plan. Very comfortable with the idea of getting GRS as the prospect of this brings great joy. I even considered if I ever de-transitioned (however unlikely), for me being a man with female features would not cause me any discomfort! But my desire to be female remains so strong and gives euphoria.

The problem I think, is an intense fear that my image and desire of the woman I want to be will not materialise. Its like my body is going to fight me all the way. It feels like HRT will not do what I want, so I'll have to brute force what I want with countless expensive surgeries. My body type seems all wrong for what I'm trying to be. My natural mental state is anxious and I like definites - if you do X then you'll get Y. But HRT is my nightmare as you can do X and get A, B, C, D.......Z. That kind of uncertainty is my biggest enemy in life and always has been! I can count back decades of feeling like this about everything big in my life. At high school I laid awake every night worrying about my future, if I'd be OK and would be be a failure? So the reality...HRT and transition is the key to such much euphoria but also hits those worst parts of my thinking process at 1000 miles and hour.

Another thing I really need to find is my identity as a woman. A bit of me really wants to be just an average woman as when I see myself that way I feel so much warmth and comfort. But I still in another part long to be an alt girl. Can I be both and bits inbetween? Finding who Charlotte really is can be tough.

I'd say you're right on on part very much - I am agender / fluid. I don't feel very feminine inside some days but I still get the feminine euphoria. Other days I feel hyper feminine inside too and get this real warmth.

Charlotte XX

[ChrissyRyan]

Charlotte,


I care about your well being. 


Super big hugs,

Chrissy

[Stottie Girl]

Life rarely delivers certainties Charlotte. I think what you need to do is let go of any preconceived ideas of the woman you WANT to be and accept the woman you ARE going to be just like any other CIS teenage girl growing up. And make no bones about it, you ARE a teenage girl right now, physically and emotionally speaking. You are still very early in transition and you have the awkward teenage years ahead of you, complete with out of control emotions, changing body shapes and all that comes with that.

You do not strike me as someone who possesess patience. You seem to want to go from A-C without passing through B but life just isn't like that. The journey to our destination is what makes us who we are, there is no cheat code for life unfortunately.

If you continue on your path you will become the woman you were meant to be. That may not be who you THINK you want to be right now but I will put money on it that if you are truly transexual you will be so much more happier in your skin when you become her.

There is nothing wrong with being an "average" woman (in fact it is what I aspire to be) you can be that average woman through the day or through the week but indulge your inner alt girl on nights out or events. What is wrong with that?