Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks all for the love yesterday and sorry for losing it. On Thursday night i broke quite badly, i couldn't barely even say a word to my boyfriend and sat in silence. Friday was much the same, just felt vacant all day.

Today a little better thank you although I still feel very emotionally drained.

I'm struggling massively with self image right now. Even around 20 cis women telling me they thought I was cis is not even cutting through the feeling. I think this is totally about what I see and feel and probably because I've got BPD which would explain everything. 

Thursday is the big day because i see a psychiatrist. I'm terrified.  What if they don't find I have BPD and I'm on my own again? What if the treatment is ages away or no good? What if they fob me off? I'm just scared as if i can't sort this, honestly I have no life.  I can't go on with this level of emotional volatility and the overall feeling I dont want to exist. Thats been my default position for 30+ years now.

Anyways enough of that. I just want you to know i dont want or like  any of these feelings and behaviours. But right now they totally own me.

@ChrissyRyan Thank you. I have electrolysis for GRS this afternoon. Tomorrow morning I have s charity 5k run. I do need to rest too as exhausted.  I hope you have a lovely weekend too.

Love Charlotte ❤️ 😍

They wont fob you off Charlotte, anyone can see you have some serious issues going on in that noggin of yours. They will know what steps to take to get you on the road to a better you. If they don't well, then I despair for the state of the NHS.

You will be in good hands.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Charlotte, I worry if I overstep the mark sometimes.

I'm OK I suppose, another day in male prison. It's hard to get motivated to be honest. It's grey and miserable and wet outside. A lovely change to be fair ha ha! I should probably make a move to go to my house soon and have a go at removing some more wallpaper.

I hope you can get out of the male prison soon. Maybe you wear some reminder, maybe a bracelet or necklace as this gotta be hard.

For wallpaper maybe you got a steamer? They are amazing and make it a breeze!

Charlotte ❤️

[Stottie Girl]

I hope you can get out of the male prison soon. Maybe you wear some reminder, maybe a bracelet or necklace as this gotta be hard.

For wallpaper maybe you got a steamer? They are amazing and make it a breeze!

Charlotte ❤️

Yeah, I went out and bought a wagner steamer this morning for £40. I've got the entire bedroom ceiling wallpaper off in 90 mins! Should have bought this earlier! Woohoo!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Today I feel a little more well in myself thankfully. It's still tough to keep my head above the water but I've managed. I loved being out in my cute outfit and just being me as much as possible. I put a little makeup on as its a bit cooler now and wanted to make myself pretty to  feel better about myself. My electrologist commented immediately she liked my makeup which was nice to hear. I honestly think I'm passing as get no comments, looks or anything. Add that to all the feedback from cis people and a transphobe mistaking and affirming me for being cis (crazy story) its seeming so.

Tomorrow I've got a charity 5k run at 9am, meet at 8.30 so gotta be up by 7am on Sunday!!!! I'm sure it'll be enjoyable.

[Finally Anna]

It's still tough to keep my head above the water but I've managed.

Well done! Perseverance is what we all need.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Have fun on the run!

Enjoy yourself.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Completed the charity 5k for the local Samaritans. I achieved a PB at 34 mins so I'm happy, then chatted in our little women's group which I love.

Definitely hit my limit today though, nothing left in the tank!

[davina61]

Better than me dear, I walked from my flat to the rugby field, walked around the cars, walked to the cafe and sat and drank a coffee, walked to the Plough and watched a band and then walked back home to recover. Might have been just over a mile and I was done!!!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Better than me dear, I walked from my flat to the rugby field, walked around the cars, walked to the cafe and sat and drank a coffee, walked to the Plough and watched a band and then walked back home to recover. Might have been just over a mile and I was done!!!

Awww but you did get out there and sounds like you had a nice day too. A nice sunday treat!:

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've finally got fed up fighting the folliculitis and hundreds of sores they cause on my butt and upper legs. Using chlorhexadine wash daily helped, but not solved. I now booked to get laser on them so hopefully can put an end to it. Then need to deal with around 50 brown hyperpigmemtation marks left by years of this happening.

Not sure how to deal with the acne i get on my face and neck this time of year. Honestly i feel like a teenager with these kinda problems lol

Charlotte ❤️

[Devlyn ✅]

Ummm, you are in puberty, honey. 🙂

Hugs, Devlyn

[Lori Dee ✅]

Most dermatologists in the U.S. recommend a face wash containing salicylic acid (aspirin). It kills bacteria and helps keep the pores clean.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Had to do this!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Love it!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Had a bit of dysphoria this evening.  I forgot to put my bra in my running kit so had to wear my care bears crop top with no bra. Unfortunately without the bra shaping and padding I was nearly flat chested and i really felt self conscious. I didn't honestly think I looked so bad with no bra!

Running club was good though as I moved to the faster group.  They nearly killed me with loads of hills and the 25c temperature, but did 6k which is my longest. So got a PB with time yesterday and a PB with distance today. Yeah not world breaking, but for me its made me feel good.

Charlotte ❤️

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

That was a very deep and intense session with my therapist. She is amazing and having someone who understands is so nice. I'm a total contradiction though. I fiercely want to be unique, be me, be queer. But then I compare to others and beat myself up because I'm not / don't have what they do. A unachievable moving goalpost.

I really need to learn my identity as a woman, which in a way is changing. But more so, why do I find it so easy to focus on the things I dont have, that aren't working out? I could be loving the fact that loads of people think I'm cis and I dont get any looks / bother as the woman I am. I guess some doubt still exists, but I should just forget that an enjoy. I want to be unique so should just enjoy the fact i'm being that...i go out as me, however loud as and when i want. OK I'm having to do some tricks around my breasts, but I'm doing ok and look convincing.

So I guess the big thing. How do I just breathe and enjoy everything I am right now, which is amazing compared to 12 months ago. I need to learn not to be so self destructive. How do I learn to feel grateful for the fact i am in a good position all things considered.

Phew thats a lot - my brain is a battlefield that I need to calm urgently!


Charlotte ❤️

[Devlyn ✅]

Ancient Chinese proverb: "Count the things you have, not the things you don't have."

Okay, that might not be an ancient Chinese proverb. 😂

I want to go back to one of your earlier posts if you don't mind.

Well, I can say sublingually taking too many estradiol pills at once is a strange experience. My whole mouth tingled, then filled with liquid that turned milky with the pills. Tasted awful. Started feeling a slight high after about an hour, and my heart rate went up. Now just feel really wiped out.

BTW I DON'T RECOMMEND TRYING IF YOU VALUE YOUR HEALTH!

There's a lot of reasons to follow the doctor's advice, and if you are doing DIY it's super important to do lots of homework.

Premature Breast Fusion:

Supraphysiologic doses of estrogen (especially early in a transition) can cause rapid, premature fusion of the breast bud tissue matrix and premature nipple maturation. This cuts the long-term growth phase short, resulting in smaller overall volume or a conical shape.

HRT isn't magic, and it's long term exposure to it that brings changes.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Ancient Chinese proverb: "Count the things you have, not the things you don't have."

Okay, that might not be an ancient Chinese proverb. 😂

I want to go back to one of your earlier posts if you don't mind.

There's a lot of reasons to follow the doctor's advice, and if you are doing DIY it's super important to do lots of homework.

Premature Breast Fusion:

Supraphysiologic doses of estrogen (especially early in a transition) can cause rapid, premature fusion of the breast bud tissue matrix and premature nipple maturation. This cuts the long-term growth phase short, resulting in smaller overall volume or a conical shape.

HRT isn't magic, and it's long term exposure to it that brings changes.

Hugs, Devlyn

Oh yeah i know that too high E can cause that. Thats why I've been for 12 months around the 300pmol/l E and at the start 250pmol/l E. Now I ramped up to just below 500pmol/l. I decided to follow a slow ramp which mimics normal puberty which some providers do. In reality i have good control over my HRT and understand it reasonably well. But my mind isn't always sane unfortunately. This is someone that fantasizes being badly hurt sometimes!

That the other day was self destruct mode. I wanted to push a boundary and see if it hurt me.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I had a therapist appointment today too. I am happy you are able to freely discuss your concerns. That is very important.

I want to be unique so should just enjoy the fact i'm being that...i go out as me, however loud as and when i want. OK I'm having to do some tricks around my breasts, but I'm doing ok and look convincing.

You are unique, and how you express yourself is up to you. I think in an earlier post you said you want to embrace the femme side, but also express the queer aspect as well. Have you thought about how you might want to do that? It could be anything from jewelry (think heavy chains) to hair color or style, to clothing or makeup.

You are still exploring, so have fun with it.
 

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I had a therapist appointment today too. I am happy you are able to freely discuss your concerns. That is very important.
 
You are unique, and how you express yourself is up to you. I think in an earlier post you said you want to embrace the femme side, but also express the queer aspect as well. Have you thought about how you might want to do that? It could be anything from jewelry (think heavy chains) to hair color or style, to clothing or makeup.

You are still exploring, so have fun with it.
 

Thanks Lori. I hope your session went ok too. Its just nice to be fully heard, but also put everything out there and then piece together why it might be so. Identifying contradictions - there are many! I think for this I really needed to get worse before I got better. Transitioning has forced me to really look at myself in the mirror and ask myself who I am. Who I want to be. And that's opened up some troublesome feelings which I just put up with for years.

I never lived my life for me leading up to recent years. I focused on my career because I lost trust in relying on others, so needed to be self sufficient. My ex was addicted to Heroin although wss fighting it. Those times a lot of which he didn't work. So I was funding his living, drug habits and he was taking money from me. That meant I lived little life sometimes and ended up in 17k of debt.

Roll forwards I find the furry fandom and a better life. I find a new partner, very kind. But i dont really know me anymore. I only know how to function in pain or survival mode.

As for queerness I have my trans tattoo and wear rainbow beads, rainbow tops and loud clothing. I guess my queerness is shouting in rainbows and pink kawaii clothes. But i need to find more!