Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

You beat me to it. 🙂

I'm not referring to in real life spaces where I literally have minimal interaction. I'm referring to online where I see people referred as cute hundreds of times a day!

[Devlyn ✅]

Doesn't that come off as weird to you, though? It's people playing into the addictive algorithms hands, looking for micro dopamine hits.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Doesn't that come off as weird to you, though? It's people playing into the addictive algorithms hands, looking for micro dopamine hits.

I guess not particularly as its kinda the norm these days. As in person interaction where friends offer compliments are non existent, this seems the only way. I wouldn't say its perfect, but its the only thing some of us have really.

[Devlyn ✅]

When I run into someone in real life I might say "Love your hair!" or "Nice ink." but "OMG you are gorgeous!" would feel a bit creepy to me. So I have to disagree with your assessment that in person compliments don't exist.

Having said all that, my wife tells me that I freak out perfect strangers by talking to them, but that's how we roll in the US, and I brought it with me to the UK. I'm breaking down the famous British reserve one unsuspecting Brit at a time! 🤣

[Mariah ✅]

that is true. We tend to strike a conversation up here in person a regular thing where as Europe and Great Britain are not really that way The difference really is an interesting one to study. Hugs
Mariah

When I run into someone in real life I might say "Love your hair!" or "Nice ink." but "OMG you are gorgeous!" would feel a bit creepy to me. So I have to disagree with your assessment that in person compliments don't exist.

Having said all that, my wife tells me that I freak out perfect strangers by talking to them, but that's how we roll in the US, and I brought it with me to the UK. I'm breaking down the famous British reserve one unsuspecting Brit at a time! 🤣

[Lori Dee ✅]

Unfortunately I don't think I'm cute at all so deciding that I am would be completely lying to myself which never works. Always falls apart. I just need to learn to be resigned to the fact I'm ugly, not femme and then move on. But that questions if i should really bother making much effort?

There are the ANTs again. Let's look at them together.

Unfortunately I don't think I'm cute at all so deciding that I am would be completely lying to myself which never works.

You say that you don't think you are cute, so you would be lying to yourself. Does that mean you can never change your mind? If that never works, how did you learn things? You had to change your mind at some point, right?

Never works. Always falls apart. Those are absolutes, and they're the key sign of an ANT at work. I suspect they are not true in reality, only in your mind.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Your statement suggests your opinion is the only one that counts, and that no one else can honestly think you are cute or beautiful. We know that's not true. Your opinion does not change ours.

From the comments here, I would say that if it came to a vote, your opinion would lose, and that you are cute and femme, and making progress much faster than many of us could. Recognize when those negative thoughts start to bother you. Take a closer look and ask whether they are real. Don't forget that the people who know you better than strangers are telling you the truth. Yes, we like the dress, but we also like the total package of you in the dress. You look great.

Go easy on yourself.

[Courtney G]

I've noticed a distressing thing that other people probably haven't. On a discussion server, I noticed that in particular, the "CUTE!" reaction is used for people who don't necessarily present as traditionally female-looking. In some cases, some people might say that in fact, they're NOT cute. But why? Why pander to them? Seems insincere. And insincerity feels unkind.

Of course, I think the same thing Charlotte might be: they're just being nice because that's what you do online in a trans space.

So every time I've gotten that reaction, I've said to myself "See??? You're not cute. You don't pass. They're just being nice to you."

Problem solved. Their attempts to be nice to me failed. I'm sure I'm not cute and I have the data to prove it. I can labor on, knowing that I'm not cute and probably never will be. There's some part of my dysmorphic brain that needs this as food. I need to know that nothing has changed, that I wan wallow in this state of hopelessness forever.

Then I take a look at those photos of other people through different eyes and I realize some things:

Are they happy? Yes, I think they are.
Is their happiness infectious and cute? Yes.
Do they pass as female? Maybe. I don't know. Does it matter?
Is it beautiful and/or cute to see a person living authentically? Yes.
Can't they just be cute without all of this qualifying junk?

So...maybe people do see the beauty in others, in you, in me that we don't necessarily let ourselves see. This isn't unique to trans people; cis people go through it. It's time to start accepting the fact that while we might not be 18 years old, fresh-faced and objectively pretty in that way that young women are, we still get to be cute.

And for the record, you are cute, Charlotte. You're pretty. Sometimes, the camera angle isn't kind and you don't look your best. Well, that's nothing unusual. Do I think you're cute like a 16 year old modeling an outfit in a magazine? No. But we're not 16 and we didn't get to have that. We get to be our own version of cute, if we just let ourselves.

[Finally Anna]

Do I think you're cute like a 16 year old modeling an outfit in a magazine? No. But we're not 16 and we didn't get to have that. We get to be our own version of cute, if we just let ourselves.

This! Absolutely this!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks for your replies. I have such a hard time with this. Everything is evolving and a moving goalpost. And self esteem, that's something that was removed from me at a very young age. Its weird as on a surface level I can literally love myself. But then I place no value on that. I don't value myself. I crave external validation... always have. The condition that I've felt since being so young. So... add in transition... thats throwing fuel onto the blaze. Transition tests those that have self esteem. For me it's an inferno.

@Lori Dee I think that sure I really can change my mind on myself. But then I quickly change it back again. It's like a merry go around. Like, dislike cycle. But it's inherently linked to external events such as external validation, comparison to others, reactions to me, how tired i am, progress of transition. Should I let those things change my mind? Probably not. But it was burnt into me long ago to let this stuff bother me. Breaking those dependencies is the major challenge. Almost like my brain needs to be broken then reassembled correctly. Right now I'm riding a rollercoaster.

@Courtney G I do totally get everything you say there and your analysis of word usage and context is very similar to how I read and analyse almost every interaction to determine how I might be perceived. Of course in relation to me personally, analysis is to the fine detail.

Cute is intersting to me. Cute implies a level of beauty thats not necessarily universal, but beauty with an everyday, innocent feel to it. For me someone I call cute I probably find attractive on a high level. Beautiful is a more open definition to me. Beauty is universal in all people, but beauty can die as a result of an unkind soul. I can find so visually, physically and mentally beautiful without say having full attraction to them. Gorgeous to me has similar connotations although more focused on the visual and say presentation. I guess I'm rambling on now! Overanalysing and creating my own narrative. But hey, it's an insight into up there.

I must say in your case Courtney that you're definitely cute! In a parallel universe / fantasy the answer would definitely be yes 🤭

Its interesting you mention camera angles too. I'm deliberately sharing more pictures of me from unfavourable angles. I don't want my own perception of myself to be defined only by the most favourable images. I want to see and learn eventually to appreciate myself from all angles. I also want others too see that so I'm real. There's no point learning to love a version on myself that is curated. That'll end in tears. And I hope I'm appreciated for being real. Even if that's underselling myself.

Charlotte ❤️

[Finally Anna]

I don't want my own perception of myself to be defined only by the most favourable images.

Do you apply the same logic to other pictures?
Almost all of the pictures on social media, that you refer to as cute, are certain to be from a flattering angle and with a bit of effort to look as cute as possible, don't you think?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Do you apply the same logic to other pictures?
Almost all of the pictures on social media, that you refer to as cute, are certain to be from a flattering angle and with a bit of effort to look as cute as possible, don't you think?

That's definitely quite possible in many cases. I do see some people who are comfortable posting images that probably aren't their best.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I'm deliberately sharing more pictures of me from unfavourable angles. I don't want my own perception of myself to be defined only by the most favourable images. I want to see and learn eventually to appreciate myself from all angles. I also want others too see that so I'm real. There's no point learning to love a version on myself that is curated. That'll end in tears. And I hope I'm appreciated for being real. Even if that's underselling myself.

I think this is a healthy way to learn to accept ourselves for who we are.

I was already past 60 years old when I started transitioning. I knew from the beginning that I would never achieve an Instagram model level of beauty. I am just an old lady. If I come across as a nice old lady, I can be happy with that. Try to keep your goals realistic, and you have a better chance of reaching them.

You are doing great, Charlotte!