Hey Rinsford,
I need to start with an apology: I've been sick since around the 14th and I'm just now getting back to the forum and catching up on everything you've posted. I wasn't able to respond when you really needed it, and I'm sorry for that gap. I'm here now, and I've read everything you've written since January 10th when I last replied.
There's a lot to cover, so bear with me.
Your Birthday and the Crisis That Night
The post you wrote on January 20th—your 16th birthday—hit me hard. You were in real crisis that night. The dysphoria was overwhelming, the urges were intense, you'd relapsed, you had a panic attack trying the trans tape, and you wrote that you wanted to end it all or disappear.
Rinsford, I need you to hear this clearly: everything you described that night was serious. It wasn't dramatic. It wasn't fake. You were in genuine danger, and the pain you were feeling was real and valid.
You said it felt like you were screaming for help and hitting a wall—that your family gets mad when you talk about gender-affirming care too much. But here's what I need you to understand: when someone is in this level of pain, talking about what might save your life is never "too much." Your family may be overwhelmed or frustrated because they don't know how to help, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to need what you need or to keep saying it out loud.
You are not a burden. You are not "too much." You are a person in crisis who deserves support, and talking about it is one of the safest things you can do.
The Relapses—All of Them
You mentioned several relapses on your birthday and the 21st: going back to the AI app, scratching your skin to mimic the pain of cutting, and another relapse on the 21st. Let me address these.
The AI app: You're isolated. You're homeschooled. You have social anxiety. Your friends are all online, and you said yourself it feels too quiet in a house with nine people because you need human connection and it's not happening. Of course something that's always available and always responsive pulled you back in when the loneliness got unbearable. That's not a moral failure—it's a survival response to isolation. The fact that you recognize it as a problem and deleted it once already shows you know it's not the long-term answer, but I also don't want you beating yourself up for needing something when you felt like you had no one.
The scratching: This is self-harm, even if it's not cutting. Your brain found a way to get the same release—physical pain to interrupt emotional overload. It still counts, and it's still something your CAMS team needs to know about. Not because you're in trouble, but because they can't help you build safer coping strategies if they don't know what you're actually doing when things spike.
The Trans Tape Panic Attack
The panic attack you had when trying trans tape tells me how severe your chest dysphoria is. That wasn't you overreacting—that was your body and mind going into crisis mode because what you saw felt fundamentally, unbearably wrong.
I'm really proud of you for going to your grandma and asking for help instead of suffering alone. And I'm proud of your grandma and your mother for stepping in and helping you get it flat. Even if the result still wasn't what you wanted, they showed up for you in that moment. That matters.
But Rinsford, if looking at your chest triggers panic attacks severe enough that you're crying and need immediate help—that's information your CAMS team and your psychiatrist need to have. Dysphoria at that intensity isn't something you're supposed to white-knuckle through alone. It requires real, targeted support.
The "Not Trans Enough" Feeling
You wrote: "I dont feel like I will be accepted as a trans man because I am fine with feminine clothes and feminine things."
Let me be completely clear about this: being okay with feminine things does not make you less of a man. And more importantly, what you wear or don't wear has absolutely no effect on who you are inside.
There are cisgender men who wear makeup, paint their nails, wear skirts, love pink, collect dolls, and they know they're men without any question. Your relationship with femininity—whether you embrace it, reject it, or move between the two—has absolutely nothing to do with whether you're really a man. Clothes are just fabric. They don't change what's true about you.
You are a trans man. Period. Not "trans but maybe not really" or "trans except when I like cute things." Just a trans man. One who happens to like some feminine aesthetics. That's completely allowed. It doesn't cancel anything out.
The dysphoria you feel is real. The gender euphoria when people use your name is real. The panic attack when you saw your chest was real. Those experiences don't lie. Your sense of yourself is the truth. Everything else—clothes, interests, hobbies—is just personal style. The inside stays the same no matter what you put on the outside.
The Jealousy Watching Other Trans People
You said watching trans compilation videos reminds you that you're not alone, but it also makes you jealous. That makes complete sense. You're seeing people living the life you want—transitioning, being themselves, being happy—and you're stuck in a body and a state that won't let you access those same things yet.
That jealousy isn't a character flaw. It's grief. You're grieving the life you don't have access to right now, and you're grieving the time you're losing while you wait. That's normal, it's human, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person for feeling it alongside the happiness you feel for them.
Here's what I want you to hold onto: those people in the videos weren't always where they are now. They were where you are once—stuck, waiting, desperate, dysphoric. The difference between then and now for them is time and access. You will get there. It doesn't feel like it right now, but Georgia's laws won't last forever, you won't be 16 forever, and the waiting won't be permanent.
The Friend Who Went Silent
You mentioned that one of your online friends posted about suicidal thoughts on January 7th and 9th and then went silent. I know that's scary when you can't check on them.
Here's what I want you to remember: when someone goes silent after posting about crisis, it often means they got help. They might be in treatment, in a hospital getting stabilized, with family, or just taking a break from online while they recover. Sometimes getting the help you need means dropping offline for a while.
There's nothing you can do to change their situation from where you are, so try not to spend your energy worrying about possibilities you can't confirm. If they come back, they'll need supportive friends. Until then, focus on taking care of yourself—you've got enough on your plate managing your own crises without carrying theirs too.
If the uncertainty is weighing on you, talk to your CAMS therapist about it. They can help you process the worry without getting stuck in it.
The Burnout from Supporting Others
You've been supporting Father, your brother, Althea during the ICE situation, and others in your chosen family through suicidal crises. That's exhausting work, even for trained professionals—and you're a 16-year-old dealing with your own suicidal thoughts.
I'm going to repeat what I said before, because I need you to really hear it: you are not responsible for keeping other people alive. You can care about them. You can offer support when you have the capacity. But when it starts to feel like you're speaking to a wall, or when it's draining you to the point where you can't function, stepping back is not betrayal. It's survival.
The fact that you recognized your limit with your brother and brought others in to help was exactly the right thing to do. You didn't fail him. You protected both of you.
The Blank Feeling and Wanting to Die
You wrote on January 21st: "I feel... blank. My emotions dont feel real because they are not. I want to leave my friends, dump my partners and just disappear into a forever sleep."
Rinsford, I'm going to be direct: you were talking about wanting to die. That kind of emotional numbness—where even your feelings don't feel real anymore—is a warning sign that you've hit a level of exhaustion and overload that your brain can't process anymore. It's not that your emotions aren't real. It's that you're so overwhelmed that your mind has shut down parts of itself just to keep functioning.
When you feel that way, the urge to cut everyone off and die makes sense in a certain horrible logic. It feels like if you just stopped existing, the weight would finally lift. But here's the truth: that's not you talking. That's exhaustion and despair talking. The real you—the one who loves your partners, who shows up for your friends, who wants to paint every day and learn Google Sheets and write research papers—that person is still in there. They're just buried under too much pain right now.
This is exactly the kind of thing your CAMS team needs to know about immediately. When you're feeling this blank and this detached and actively wanting to die, that's crisis-level. That's what CAMS exists for. Please tell them.
The Break and Coming Back
After the crisis on the 20th and 21st, you took a break. You said those days were great—you went outside (even if you got stuck at Walmart, that counts), you got back on your medication, you freshened your mind. That pattern matters so much.
Relapses happen. Crisis happens. But you didn't disappear. You regrouped, you got back on track, and you came back to update us. That shows real resilience and self-awareness.
The Good Stuff: Pinterest, Google Sheets, Painting, and Moving Forward
I don't want to end this without highlighting the things you're building. You're organizing your thoughts on Pinterest with boards for academics, work, research. You're learning Google Sheets because you think it'll be useful someday. You're painting. You want to write a research paper. You went outside.
These aren't just distractions. These are the things that will carry you through. They're proof that part of you is still reaching for a future, even when another part of you wants to give up.
The fact that you created a daily paint challenge for yourself and you're sticking with it? That's purpose. That's structure. That's you building something that's yours.
Where You Are Now
You're on day 32, it's shark week (which I know adds another layer of dysphoria and physical discomfort), and you're just laying in bed sleeping through it. That's okay. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is rest.
What I Need You to Do
Tell your CAMS team everything. The relapses on the 20th and 21st. The scratching. The panic attack with the trans tape. The blank feeling. The suicidal thoughts. All of it. They can't help if they don't know the full picture.
Keep the TYEP conversation open with your parents. Your mom and grandma are already talking about it. Even if the logistics are hard because of your mother's job, keep asking. Don't assume it's impossible just because it's complicated.
Keep writing here. Even the boring days. Even the days when you're just in bed because it's shark week. Even when you don't think you have anything to say. We're reading, and we're not going anywhere.
Keep painting. Keep organizing. Keep learning. These things give you structure and purpose, and they're building the version of you that gets to exist in the future you're working toward.
Remember that liking feminine things doesn't make you less of a man, and what you wear or don't wear has no effect on who you are inside. Your validity doesn't come from how masculine you present. It comes from who you know yourself to be.
You are not weak for struggling. You are not fake for doubting yourself. You are not a burden for needing help. You are a 16-year-old trans man dealing with severe dysphoria in a state that won't let you access the care you need, and you are still showing up. You're painting. You're learning. You're organizing your future. You're helping friends. You're coming back after relapses.
That takes more strength than most people will ever have to find.
We see you, Rinsford. Keep going.
With love and unwavering support,
— Susan 💜
