In need of advice or a relatable story

[Ollie_]

I'm Male and 18 years old and for like the last 2-3 years I've been feeling a little down, not to the point of self-harm or anything, but to the point where it feels like it limits me in my capabilties. Like I'm not starting new projects and hate the entirety of studying (even though I want to learn new things).

So the reason for all this, that I came up with is that I might be trans. Like I even recall from my childhood let's from about 6-9 years old, I would sometimes have this 'dream' where I would transform into a girl, almost like a second skin (I'll spare you the details). I did usually supress that dream because it didn't feel correct as in the sense that it didn't fit within my living enviromnent. Like it was a fun dream, but something didn't feel right about it.

In the next like 6+ years I don't recall having that dream again and then we get back to about 2-3 years ago, in this time not much changed although I did start thinking about the possibility of being trans or something that comes close (like crossdressing). In this time if I had the choice I would regularly pick the girlier options (purely on feeling) in simple choices like, ordering a cocktail instead of a beer or choosing pink bath towels instead of blue.

So now we get to about a week ago and I went to a psychologist to talk about my problems where I mentioned that I sometimes feel like being a woman would have made me happier in this current moment and she told me that's normal and that maybe that I should experiment with girl clothes and make up.

Fast forward to today, I tried on a skirt and vest but I didn't feel anything I kinda felt ugly when looking in the mirror (I do that quite often though), so now I'm confused is it because I didn't shave for this or is there something else going on.

If anyone relates and could give me some advice or herhaps your story, I would love to hear it, because I feel stuck.

(Note: copied this from my ->-bleeped-<- post)

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hello Ollie_,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

We strive to make this a safe space for you to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

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What you describe is normal behavior. Your question is whether or not you might be transgender. That will be for you and your psychologist to sort out. None of us can specifically say yes, you are, or no, you are not. There are too many variables. A therapist with experience in gender identities can help you figure that out.

As you read other members' stories here, you may find some that are very familiar to your experience. We have forums for cross-dressing, intersex, non-binary, and transgender.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.

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@Ollie_
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Athena]

I spent many many years in self hatred because of internalized transphobia. I was in my 40's before I could finally accept myself. I remember a dream from many years ago I was still in elementary where I was in a battle between boys and girls and whomever was captured by the other side had their gender changed then they fought for the other side. Also I really wanted to know what it felt like to be female even if it was only temporary. Finally I would dress in women's clothing whenever my libido took control but once my libido was satisfied I felt nothing but utter disgust towards myself.

Now at 57 I am 2 years out of the closet and being the real me and 1 1/2 years post op and I can finally feel comfortable.

That was my story, it doesn't mean that you are trans. The only one that can truly tell you that you are trans is you. For me I knew 100 % when I first started hrt, I had spent the previous 2 years wanting to die or worse. The difference for me was almost immediate, the first day I took estrogen I stopped wanting to die.

[Sephirah]

First I'd like to give you a big hug and say that people are rarely ever stuck. We just haven't found the path forward yet.

Secondly I'd like to ask you a question, if that's okay. It sounds simple when asked, but the answer says a lot. That question is: "What is being a woman to you?" I should probably go on and expand a little and ask a few more, like "What, in your view, would being female be to you?" "How would that manifest and present itself?"

The answer to this is different for everyone and the reason I ask is that for some women... clothes and makeup have little to do with it. It's fundamentally something else. Which equates to them not caring particularly about wearing "girly" clothes or using makeup.

And to further complicate the issue, for some trans folks... there can be a fundamental disconnect pre-transition. There is for me. I have never, and have no desire to wear female clothes or use makeup (aside from lip gloss... but we won't talk about that incident) as I am now because I would look like Frankenstein's monster in a dress. I know this to be true so I don't subject myself to that. It is, for me, putting the cart before the horse in the worst way, so to speak.

That doesn't, however, mean I don't see myself as female, or that people who know me don't either. Just that I don't feel that clothes or makeup make me how I feel. So to reiterate, the question is... what do you think of when you think of being a woman? Maybe if you can start to answer that question, you can start to become unstuck, just a little.

*extra hug* Don't worry, sweetie. This is a complicated deal sometimes, but you don't have to go through it alone.

[Dances With Trees]

I would sometimes have this 'dream' where I would transform into a girl,

Sephirah is so right: clothes or makeup don't make you how you feel.
But dreams do. I was a girl when I was four years old because of dreams. Dreams that shattered against the reality of my parents' disapproval. Invidious dreams that did not emerge again until I was in my mid-60's. I did not want to admit that I was a woman because of the complications involved: with my daughter, with my siblings.
But the dreams were too wonderful, too magical, to discount. And, six or seven years ago, I embraced them. I love wearing a pretty lavender skirt now. Not because it makes me look pretty. But because it makes me feel pretty.
Before, when I cross-dressed, I felt dirty. Now, I feel liberated. I don't know, Ollie, who you are or what is best for you. But your dreams do.

[ChrissyRyan]

There is definitely some realism in "feeling pretty" from the proper gender conforming clothing, or jewelry, or from a hair salon visit, or taking a soak in a lavender bath, or someone opening a door for you, and so on.

Chrissy

[Susan ✅]

Hi Ollie,

Reading through your post and the responses here, something really stands out to me: you're doing exactly what you should be doing - exploring, questioning, and being honest about what you're experiencing. That confusion you're feeling right now? That's not a sign you're doing it wrong. It's a sign you're doing it right.

The others here have touched on something really important that I want to expand on a bit: clothes and makeup aren't a litmus test for being trans. They're just... clothes and makeup. Some trans women love fashion and cosmetics. Some don't care at all. Some cis men enjoy feminine presentation. The clothes don't tell you who you are - they're just one possible way of expressing something that runs much deeper.

What strikes me about your story is the pattern over time. That childhood dream that felt both appealing and somehow "not right" in your environment. The years of suppression. The gradual drift toward choices that felt more aligned with something you couldn't quite name. The persistent sense that being a woman "would have made me happier." That's not about skirts - that's about something fundamental in how you see yourself.

When you looked in the mirror and "didn't feel anything," that's actually really valuable information. Not because it means you're not trans, but because it tells you that this particular experiment didn't unlock what you were hoping to find. And that makes sense - because if your dysphoria (if that's what this is) is about something deeper than presentation, then changing presentation alone won't suddenly make everything click into place.

Sephirah asked you a crucial question: "What is being a woman to you?" I'd encourage you to sit with that, but I'd also add another angle: What is it about being perceived and treated as male that feels limiting or wrong? What specific aspects of "being a woman" call to you when you imagine it? Is it about how others see you? How you see yourself? The social role? The physical body? The freedom to express certain parts of yourself?

These aren't questions with quick answers, and the answers might surprise you. But they're worth exploring with your therapist.

A few practical thoughts:

On the experiment that didn't work: There could be lots of reasons it felt flat. Maybe you needed more than just trying on clothes - maybe you needed to see yourself in a fuller context. Maybe body hair does matter to you (and that's okay to notice). Maybe clothes just aren't the thing that would make you feel aligned. Or maybe - and this is important to consider too - maybe the discomfort you felt was actually gender discomfort, just not in the direction you expected. Sometimes we feel ugly in feminine clothes because we're looking at a masculine body in feminine presentation, and the disconnect is jarring.

On feeling stuck: That low-level depression you describe - the lack of motivation, the difficulty starting projects - this is actually a really common experience for people dealing with unresolved gender questions. It's hard to invest energy in building a life when you're not sure you're building it as the right person. If exploring your gender identity helps lift that fog, that's meaningful information.

On next steps: Keep talking to your therapist. Keep exploring, but remember that exploration doesn't have to mean "trying on the full costume and seeing if it fits." It can mean journaling. It can mean reading other people's stories and noticing which ones resonate. It can mean asking yourself thought experiments: "If I could press a button and wake up as a woman tomorrow, would I?" "If I knew no one would ever know or judge me, what would I choose?"

You mentioned you're 18. I want you to know that wherever this journey takes you - whether you're trans, nonbinary, gender-questioning, or ultimately decide you're a guy who just needed to explore this - you have time. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You don't have to commit to anything you're not ready for. And you definitely don't have to figure it out based on one experiment with a skirt.

The fact that you're here, asking these questions, being honest about your confusion - that takes courage. Keep going. The answers will come.

with care,
— Susan 💜

[Paulie]

Hi Ollie,

There's very little for us to go on here, to really provide advice, but I'm going to offer mine anyway.  Because I don't know you I'm going to assume you fit the profile of a typical 18 year old. 

Very little person to person interaction, possibly some in classrooms but that's a controlled environment.  You get a lot of your social interaction through social media and sites like "rhymes with edit".

Pretty much everyone on this site has an average 40 years on you.  We grew up playing, fighting, laughing, and crying in the real world. We were able to find out who we are by being our selfs in the real world.  Good or bad we learned who we are.  You mention you were searching for a reason why you feel unmotivated, stuck.  This is something you need to learned about yourself, not find in a scavenger hunt.

You're not going to find it by taking in stuff on the internet, you need to get out in the real world and put yourself out to learn who you are.

Get yourself out into a real physical activity.  Join a bike club, they almost always have a new riders level.  Look for a hiking club or group, join a bowling league, they're a fun crowd.  Join a church youth group, they are very welcoming and you may find it fills another need you didn't know  you had.

I have have never had any other social media accounts other than Susan's, and I've only been on here for a few years.  The members here, make Susan's a wonderful resource and thanks to the great moderators, it's a safe place.  I'm just not sure this is what you need now. 

I could be wrong, you might just be a social butterfly, but I guessing you're not.  So, again, my advice is for you get out, put yourself out, and learn who you are. 

My very best wishes for you,
Paulie

[Sephirah]

I'd encourage you to sit with that, but I'd also add another angle: What is it about being perceived and treated as male that feels limiting or wrong?

This is something I think people don't really consider enough. And is brilliantly insightful. All too often we are so focused on where we're going that we forget why we're going there. We see El Dorado and forget why we're not happy where we are. I admit I have thought on this a lot since you brought it up, Susan. It's the other side to the coin that we don't see when we flip it.

Thank you for this.

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Ollie

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

First, I want to say that what you describe does not sound unusual or alarming in itself.  Feeling low level flatness, lack of motivation and a sense of being stuck is something many people experience around your age, especially when they are trying to work out who they are and where they fit in.  Take me for example.  I never knew what I wanted to do with my life and it was years before I settled into teaching computers and mathematics.  The fact that you are questioning rather than ignoring it is actually a healthy sign.

You mentioned the childhood dream of becoming a girl and how it felt appealing but also somehow wrong in your environment.  That tension matters.  A lot of people here have had moments like that, not always dreams, sometimes thoughts or fantasies, that felt meaningful but unsafe or out of place at the time.  When I was a child searching for female clothes one day, one of my earliest memories, for some unknown reason I kept it private and that side of me, keeping things private, persists to this day.  Later on, when I was fully dressed, it felt right and I knew that I was not a crossdresser, although it was generally frowned upon in my time.  Suppressing something because it does not fit the environment often does not mean it disappears, it just goes quiet for a while.

It is also worth gently separating a few things that often get tangled together.  Feeling that being a woman might make you happier is not the same thing as liking skirts or makeup.  As several people have already said, clothes and presentation are not a test.  Some women, trans or cis, care a lot about them.  Others do not at all.  Seeing yourself dressed up like that is not something that you would see every day.  Looking in the mirror and feeling ugly does not answer the question one way or the other.  It might be about body image, about unfamiliarity, about timing, or simply that clothes are not where this sits for you.

What Sephirah asked is an important question and I will echo it.  What does being a woman actually mean to you, not visually, but internally and socially.  At the same time, Susan raised the other side of that coin, what is it about being seen and treated as male that feels limiting or uncomfortable.  Sometimes clarity comes as much from understanding what does not fit as from imagining what might.

It is good that you are already seeing a psychologist and that they responded calmly rather than dismissively.  If you continue exploring this, it can help to work with someone who has experience with gender questioning and who is familiar with informed consent models.  That does not mean you need to take any steps or make any decisions.  It simply means you have accurate information and a safe space to think out loud.

One other thing I want to emphasise is pace.  For many people, moving forward happens in very small steps, often just one at a time.  For others it can be much faster, as it was for me, depending on who they are.  There is no requirement to label yourself, experiment in any particular way or reach conclusions quickly.  You are 18.  You have time to explore, reflect, pull back and revisit questions as needed.

You also asked for relatable stories.  You have already received several and you will likely find more as you read around.  Some people here knew very early and very clearly.  Others took decades.  Some found answers through transition.  For me, some of my questions were only fully answered many years later, long after surgery.  Others found them through self understanding without changing their bodies at all.  None of those paths are failures.

Right now, even if it does not feel like it, you do have people here who understand and who will listen.  You are not expected to figure this out alone and you are not expected to have it solved by one experiment or one week.

You are not stuck forever.  You just have not found the next step yet.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Ollie